The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts: Muhammad Ali - Season 1 Episode 12 (2/19/76)

the

dean

martin

celebrity

roast arrives from the mgm grand hotel in the entertainment capital of the world las vegas nevada the sparkling city of excitement and laughter provides the sparkling backdrop for tonight's star-studded pink ladies and gents from the grand hotel's ziegfeld room some of the world's greatest artists are here tonight as

dean

martin

honors our man of the moment

muhammad

ali with tonight's guest howard costell orson welles teddy friends gabe kaplan tony orlando gene kelly isabel sanford wilke chamberlain sherman hemsley red button rocky graziano georgia angle lord patterson foster brookslipsy russell herbert mohammed and your roastmaster dean martin with tonight's very special man of the moment, mohammed ali every time you see this guy, he always shouts: "the best are the best "Now many people do not agree with Joe Frazier, Ken Norton and a cocktail waitress in Cleveland.

I think he is a great fighter, a great wit and a great humanitarian. I say this out of respect, esteem and fear, no one can deny that he is a great fighter. He has the whole team great body great legs and he has a 21 inch reach and that's just his tongue you hit me and flattened me i will call frank and mr freddie thank you, thank you dean hello champion, I'm very proud to be here because, when I was As a kid growing up in Spanish Harlem, I used to watch Muhammad Ali on TV all the time, which was hard to do while two guys were pulling him out the window.

Muhammad Ali is, I like him because he is a very moral man, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, he doesn't gamble. He wouldn't hang around wild women if he did, he might as well beat everyone up and he's a God fearing man. It's good to know that he is afraid of someone seeing him, but Muhammad Ali showed all of us children that it was possible for a poor child to be converted. out of the ghetto and that's what my mother always wanted for me she told me freddie what's wrong you don't want to be a doctor with my name but it's hard to make a house call to a house on fire well she would say Freddy be a dentist, there is a lot of teeth in the neighborhood and she was right, they were there anyway, what's the problem with going to college to learn how to be something, especially with the current job situation, what do you need college for?

You can have a better conversation in the unemployment line so you can tell the cashier: Can I have my weekly benefits instead of giving me my money? Why I was fascinated by a man like Ali. You know, because he got out of poverty with his fists. then I thought to myself why couldn't he do it. Everyone told me he had fast, exciting hands, hands that could penetrate any defense and do a magnificent job. If you don't believe me ask Conchita Louella Shirley Shirley Silberg she was a social worker and she did the best job and she was sociable there is a difference between a black wrestler and a Puerto Rican wrestler like a black wrestler come at you okay you fool , look here, I'll come show me your best stuff, Puerto Rican fight, just come out, okay, man, look.

But having Ali is my idol and uh, I gave up the idea of ​​being a fighter, even though you knew it because, uh, a champion, I'll tell you why, in your own poetic way, I thought I would start fighting to earn my fortune in fame I thought that I could beat the other cats and be the best at the fighting game, so I showed my stuff to my friends and this is what they saw. I was fighting like Ali, but I did it like Ali McGraw. He looks good. Thanks anyway, really. I can relate to being here tonight because I have a history of boxers in my family.

First of all, it was my uncle Slapsie Maxie Kaplan. You know, a lot of fighters train with bets. My uncle ate nothing but Pickle Harry. He couldn't box but he punched. he lets his opponents escape with his breath we're talking about boxes we have a lot of big guys here tonight we have floyd patterson floyd is the first man to win back the heavyweight championship some people say floyd couldn't take a punch well i don't know , but the Corning Glass company is bidding for its chin. The second man to regain the heavyweight championship was Muhammad Ali Mohamed.

I took a poll in the lobby of this hotel right before this barbecue and people here expect you to keep that heavyweight championship belt. for a long time there is one condition: you agree to put it over your mouth and listen to mohammed your poetry, that's enough, this is the only man here who made rod mcewen vomit, mohammed always says it's pretty, i mean, anyone would do it. You look pretty if you're the only man who ever stood by Howard Coast selling Joe Frazier, but this is a man who never forgets his beginnings. Muhammad Ali in the men's room of this hotel today gave his cousin a dollar tip, but at least he's playing. safe with his money i was talking to mohammed's main financial advisor, joe lewis, and they have big plans for

muhammad

's money, they're going to invest in a chain of howard cosell charm schools.

I would like to close muhammad with a small house and you. You'll excuse me if the style sounds a little familiar tonight we're roasting the best live wrestler. People say different things about everyone. Some of them are really funny. I'm going to tell you something that I don't know if you knew you understood. to his people, but he also gives to other people, so I'm going to say this right now as loud as I can, sitting here is a very big man, yeah, why are they giving this man a roast when some of the best black people in the world? the history of the world never had a dinner, that is, when they never had a dinner, sidney poitier, who once said that lester maddox guesses who won't come to dinner, got a dinner, george foreman, who set up the place for the referee during the fight with ali, i think he has a razors christmas addicts the black revolutionary war hero who said at the battle of bunker hill don't shoot until you see the whites will chamberlain the mother who once said that children already they don't admire their parents yes, judge thurgood marshall who said when he was appointed to the supreme court, had come to judge jemima, who once said that these pancakes sell like pancakes, uncle remus, who once told her she said to uncle ben, you are a credit to your rice, baby said when she was invited to the white house.

I will sing and dance, but I don't do Windows, I have a dinner and, without a doubt, one of the best black women of all time, Shirley Temple Black, will not be at the dinner, but as an ambassador to Ghana, she could be at the dinner an excellent young and great singer. friend of the champions sir tony orlando you can't keep fighting forever muhammad i mean let's face it you are not sonny and share in fact he is slow and enterprising muhammad one night he called freddie and I freddie prince with the house remember this freddie calls always creating a new business idea in case it all ends and Tony says, I got it.

Freddie and I are going into a detergent and soap business. We will call it and we will shine. You told me backstage that you wanted to do Halloween. a legal black holiday he did it he told me he said after all it's the only night of the year when the ghosts come out to chase the honkeys this is all very funny muhammad don't hold this against me actually good luck champ cause you are undoubtedly the best wrestler since Casa's Clay over the years. Muhammad Ali has faced every heavyweight challenger except one and that fighter is here with us tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the beast of Bayonne, the great white hope, Billy Boom Boom, Berkowitz, I'll show him.

You program this body, what do you think of it? Tell me the truth, what do you think of this body? The last time I saw something like this, my dog ​​was burying it. Howard, you've been avoiding me for years. You'll get a five million dollar fight. there I can't get a fifty dollar Poland all you give me is your promises you are all their talk that's what I talk when they built your mouthpiece they made the mold of the dutch tunnel that was mr. charlie will chamberlain our next guest is a athlete who has all kinds of scoring records and some of them in basketball come here withered or whatever you like, they don't have me here because they weren't someone tall, dark and handsome, they have someone. much darker most people don't realize you had a physical disability when you were born did you know muhammad was a girl one of the favorite people and one of the nicest ladies i know is georgia engel the mary tyler moore show Georgia is so kind and considerate that she leaves a nightlight on for thieves.

No, you can call me by my name, okay, what's up? Every time I do these

roasts

, the producer gives me some rude comments to say about the guests here on the stand, so here. I'm back, once again, with more swings, sticks, and a couple of shots at the rim. Ok, my first comment. Glad to see Howard Cosell here. Howard recently had his own television variety show. The rating was so low that only the gophers were watching. It was a terrible thing to say, I think the only reason you didn't do it was because of the opposition, unfortunately the other two networks had a show at the same time, of course Dean Martin is here, as always, don't do it. you like that handkerchief in his breast pocket it used to be white until he rubbed his eyes with it that was terrible i don't think your eyes are wet because i never saw them open it's nice to see my friend tony orlando here tonight the way he Tony sings, dances and does comedy they should change the name of their act to yawn and dawn it really doesn't matter that you don't have much talent you are a star and now we come with our guest of honor muhammad ali i wouldn't say that Ali has an ego problem, but he's the only person I know who has exact touch-ups that really weren't pleasant.

I'm sorry. You have the right to be cocky. You're the best. Why did you actually say that? If you weren't a wrestler you would be a contortionist so you could die in your own arms I haven't offended anyone that's all for the zingers Muhammad Ali's record in the ring is loaded with impressive words his recent knockout of Joe Frazier in Manila was a one of the most exciting fights of this decade and many sports journalists have written about it well in glowing terms here with us tonight he is one of those writers who covered this fight he is from the louisville post office ladies and gentlemen Mr.

Bill Crystal thank you Mr. Martin , you are absolutely right when you say that the Manila fight was one of the biggest fights in history, but it wasn't perfect. This was missing. Hello once again everyone, Howard Kosel, we come to you live via satellite. from manila to the philippines pearl of the south pacific muhammad come angelo bring muhammad here here he is now muhammad ali muhammad frazier was amazing how did you feel about the contest? everyone's talking about Joel Fraser don't talk about that it's a lot of nonsense I'm still so fast and you know I'm so pretty I'm so fast I can turn off the lights in my room be in bed before the room goes dark in retrospect looking back there is only one ali who can never be another he is singularly ali only ali that is the fact that makes him great the fact that there is only one ali number one there is little I can say about this man that he himself has not said Since Floyd Patterson was always considered one of the smartest fighters in the business, he knew that if you were going to fight guys like Ali you needed two things, a good right cross and the phone number of the Blue Cross, ladies and gentlemen. , a great champion, Floyd Patterson, thanks Dean, it's good to be here because Whether you like it or not, the champion has to admire me, I'm sure he invested his portfolios wisely buying stocks bonds and real estate, but now he must be interested in the bakery business because no fighter has had so much experience. with cream puffs, if you don't challenge me you'll soon have to invest in chicken delicacies.

I guess my biggest mistake was not taking the champion seriously when I signed to fight him. All I heard about him was that he danced around the ring spouting poetry. He kept saying, I'm going to scream, scream, whip you, I said, that's whip, whip, you don't care if you're brutal, but don't be illiterate. The champion always says that he is the best, but he never finishes that statement if you listen. him long enough, you can fill in the blanks yourself, thanks floyd and after the show, i would love for you to stop by my dressing room.

I'll show you what it's like to have a real championship belt and Jim, here it is, oh mighty one. mouth my humble friend howard koh sal thank you dino somehow it's true you have to call me dina the sudden resort to vocal truculence hardly becomes unique i never drove a truck in my life you know my friend, it suddenly occurred to me that you and i could do a little dance act do it together next time you perform at this hotel, we could call it a tempting toe tapping tandem terp sakori. I can see our names on the humble marquee and stumble.

I have admired this man since that fateful night in lewiston maine when he stopped that fearsome sunny black specimen listen like a black panther don't call him blind sit down what you want me to do I call you white tornado suddenly it was all over in less than a round the punch invisible the referee couldn't kill, it was jersey joelWalcott, went up to 24 and Fleischer told him the fight was over, the only thing that went down faster than List that night was the ratings for my Saturday night shows, many of you have criticized Ali's performance in the ring but you have every right to say I'm the best, what another fighter has a heartbeat of 50 per minute and a mouthbeat of 280.

Muhammad, I don't care what any of these detractors have to say if I shipwreck in a desert island and could choose a man to have as a companion. I would pick you on a desert island you need.un mann friday talks about you everyone wants to see me do something to you right i want your lawyers to sue me i don't want a tv company to sue me but i've been waiting you always say mohammed you're not him same man you were years ago, show people now show the American public that you are not the same man that you were not two years ago.

Do you wanna know the truth. I found him when I was a black kid in Louisville stealing bikes I made. He, what he is, that's it, no fighter practices longer and harder than our guest of honor. We have with us tonight the person who helps perfect this great fighting machine to the peak of his, ladies and gentlemen, Muhammad Ali's training partner, ko Kelly, his ko Kelly, no, I am. his girlfriend, oh I figured you out, drunk, I wasn't born yesterday, I know you couldn't get that ugly in 24 hours, just hold it down, everyone, I didn't come here to joke with this bar fly, just sit back and find your own business there's something i want to say to this brass thug this and jive turkey the man ruined my life every time my boyfriend comes over after boxing with him he's so tired of doing the shuffle with ali he can't do the hustle with me He starts with the morning jumping rope and then at night I jump rope.

Never forget when I met K.O. Kelly. He was fighting three rounds in the prelims, but we looked at each other and decided to skip the prelims. Everything was wonderful until him. he became Ali's training partner and then he trains all the time day and night night and day even in the back seat of the jeep he never put an ollie glove on me he always made fun of my boyfriend just because his hair is turning gray doesn't mean that you I have to call him whitey, I just begged him to stop talking, I talk and talk and talk until my face turns black, but you wouldn't know what that means, you know, before I sit down, I have to say one thing, it's all yours. guilt and if you want to do something about it I want you to meet me in the parking lot and we'll have it ready man ready hmm that was the fabric ruth buzzy so ladies and gentlemen one of the truly most talented actors in Hollywood. dancer singer director superstar mr jean kelly thank you dean your performance was very nice it may not have been hilarious but at least you knew who i was you are truly a magnificent fighter and i can say this because i have seen some of the greats, the unforgettable joe lewis, billy khan, the dragomat fight rocky graziano, tony's beer fight and probably the bloodiest of all, the classic battle between sonny and share, I guess the reason why wrestlers in general and you in particular have always attracted a For me it's because in every great fighter I visualize a dance master with Tony Galento, with you it was the beer keg polka, it's the alley shuffle and anyone who has ever paid a hundred dollars to see you fight knows that you are so good at the hustle like I respect you as a fighter, I respect you more as a human being because I will never forget the moment when you gave that press conference in beverly hills and I brought my two children, bridget and tim, there because they wanted to meet you and even though many journalists bombarded you around you and asking you questions, you stopped everything and had a small private and quiet session with my two children and neither I nor my children will ever forget your warmth and your tenants, now ladies and gentlemen, the stars of the Jeffersons. sherman hensley and isabelle sandcard thanks dean oh okay i hope someone thanks demar and i will oh okay go ahead but who wants to thank that turkey?

You want to go out into the alley, too bad. You are no longer like Muhammad Ali. Look at him tall, handsome and has the manners of a gentleman. Big Deal. I happen to have the manners of a gentleman. Really, which gentlemen do they belong to? We'll sell this once and for all. Him, get up, jump, what are you going to do, no, you're lucky, I can't stand the sight of blood, especially yours, ladies and gentlemen, he's 170 pounds and still a champion and a boy. I love this man. He is also Italian. Rocky Graziano. We have so much. a lot of common mohammed i read a book you read a book of course my book was written before yours my book was called someone up there liked me they made a movie with paul newman i could have played the role you know but i wanted to Dale a break from that Paul Newman.

For me it is real literature when they list the literati. Wake up on paper. Your name will be there with all the other great writers. Rocky. You are beautiful, but the book was not rotten. He was rotten with us tonight. the trainer and bodybuilding genius who made the champion what he is today let's give a warm welcome to foster brooks he is incredible, he is a fighter and you have the alcohol rub, the first thing I did to strengthen muhammad mohammed, mom and almond, you know to this brown clown. here the first thing I did was change my hammer's diet he was he was here he was eating collard greens but that's what colored people eat I filled this little plum body with wheat germ and when I ran out of wheat germ he say sick wheat after building his body he had to eat he had beauty to eat it the famous ali shuffle how to move around the ring how to dance you know, these people don't have any rhythm before he changes the champion into a super cool jewish super wrestler yesterday he he was he was a different man he was young with no experience he weighed 97 pounds a week and oh yeah another thing he was white when I changed the man I'm going all the way all the way our next guest is the brilliant Orson Welles, Who will forget that terrifying radio show he did?

He led thousands of people into the streets screaming. The last time I heard those screams was the night Howard Cosell walked into the MGM Grand casino without his hairpiece. I thought he was. making these two guys laugh they were getting my good friend and a genius and when I say a genius I mean a genius if there ever was one, Mr. Orson, well, I'm very grateful for that eloquent and complimentary introduction, it's a shame. You are not here to enjoy it on this solemn occasion for justice, since there is no real chance for Muhammad Ali to toot his own horn and therefore since he cannot be the one who toots the horn, I will be the honkey , I didn't come here to bury this cuttlefish.

Caesar, but to praise him, on the other hand, every time he opens his mouth he buries himself, so Muhammad Muhammad Ali, the author, seriously, the diversifier, the poet, I would like to talk and I'm sure Dean is vitally interested in that aspect. of muhammad's versatility, aren't you a dean? don't fade away the innocence of poetic art dean for once tonight drop your façade on all these people not at family time no no no surely surely dean you are moved by the names shelly keats and byron, well the name ruby ​​began to sound, it doesn't matter, I didn't come to talk common sense with you nor have I come to discuss the literary quality of the poetry written by this colorful creator of cacophonous couplets, those incredible kkk sounds turned into nipsy russell. two shades whiter mr. nixon, everyone has told you and they rhyme how he wins every time he is the biggest to take the cup well if he can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, why can't he imitate a clam and shut up ? tonight we are roasting the most illustrious, most magnificent superhuman on planet Earth, he is truly a great man in every aspect, great reputation and great size, if you would appreciate our great years, we were in the casino, there was a little white man there . gambling I was 21 and I was afraid to say blackjack the dealer said what you have he said gin but he's a peaceful man I just hope he doesn't turn around and hit Howard Cosell he's already pretty ugly I uh I guess I don't have to tell you how beautiful that is, but I can say that he was backstage with the mirror in his hand, he said mirror, mirror in my hand, who is the most beautiful on this earth.

Cosell leaned over and said, She's still white as snow, darling, don't forget it. that baby you can get rich if you find the doctor who gave birth to you I guarantee you have a big case of negligence he said sir when I'm around you I get so nervous and upset he said you can be nervous baby but you won't bother me tony orlando we hear your jokes and we've heard you sing and we're going to tie that yellow ribbon around your mouth freddy friends look alike freddy and tony I guess they all look alike too, don't you think, freddie?

Not only does he look great in this tuxedo, but on the way to the desk tonight he made 15 tips waiting at the table on his wedding night here he got married at Caesar's palace he asked to see the Puerto Rican wedding candy and they took him to the kitchen Freddie He got angry when he didn't push the guy because you see that Puerto Ricans don't like to fight with just one man. Look, when you fight a man you can only cut one way, they like to fight in a group where you throw your swords everywhere. You find someone who's okay, Freddie, the Mexicans don't want you, but we'll take you, you're not a special twin, speaking of ghost, you know whatever the fights are on Kaplan's gay show, come back Carter, I thought it was about a convict You see where I live when we say to a guy welcome back, there's only one place he's been, they say he's Jewish, but with that kind of afro hair there's a watermelon in your future somewhere.

Coastel did one thing that made all black people happy: he was born. white, but tonight we are talking about, I suppose, the most agile technician in the history of boxing. Salute to you, Mohamed Ali, you are a universal star. Mohamed means enlightened leader and that is exactly what you are. Now it's time for the ko punch. Here is our man of the hour the world heavyweight champion ladies and gentlemen sir muhammad ali thank you some comedians here i have heard of guys doing fights im sure you all have heard of guys doing fights but this is the first time I've seen someone throw a roast and Isabel Sanford and Sherman Hemsley the way he was fighting and fighting you were almost as bad as the white people and Floyd Patterson.

You know, when I fought you, man, I almost put you to sleep with those things you talked about tonight. put me to sleep and you're smart you two smart fighters most boxers couldn't even read what you guys read i'll watch you no kidding you get the george foreman or joe quote are you kidding no no pretty good and you're great , you're really cool, I mean, you come here, you reach high and you can still make it look good, it doesn't seem like a man had a big TV show like this and such a pretty world figure and he.

He doesn't care about these shows, he doesn't care about the comics, he came in and said, Hey, how are you feeling? I'm not so good, it's okay, I've got yours, we'll see each other well, I'm leaving, yeah, John, he's serious. but everyone has some kind of talent, because we've made it, whether it's cool, good looks, personality or connections or some kind of influence, but you're living proof that you don't need anything to make it.