The Brain Expert: How To Raise Mentally Resilient Children (According To Science) | Dr. Daniel Amen

you don't solve all your

children

's problems, that's the heart of love and logic, that's what you want kids to make mistakes and you want them to pay the consequences so they learn before jumping into this episode. I would like to invite you to join this. community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and healthier. All I want you to do is click the Subscribe button. I love your support, it's amazing to see all your comments and we're just getting started. I can not wait. going on this journey with you thank you so much for subscribing means a lot to me the number one health and wellness podcast J shett J shett the only Jett you talk about

mentally

strong

children

live by clearly defined goals and I was thinking About that I was thinking how do you set a goal for a child and at what age a goal becomes really good.

The goal starts with parents, what kind of dad or mom I want to be and what kind of children I want to

raise

. So, raising

mentally

strong children, I mean the first principle is that you need to be mentally strong, right? You have to model the message and at Amen Clinics our first core value is authenticity and what that means to be mentally strong. Well, the first principle is. The clarity is that you want to know, so when I was a kid, my mom was great, she was around, but there were too many of us, there were seven of us.

I'm the third means irrelevant, at least that's what I thought, you know, Prince Harry's spare book. Well, in a Lebanese family the eldest child is golden and the second child is irrelevant. Now there's a big upside to irrelevance, which means I can do whatever she wants, but my mom was around and she was fun and playful and strict, all good qualities, my dad was gone and so on. When I think about what kind of father I want to be, I want to be present because that caused a lot of bitterness in my life and if you read the latest in neuro

science

about attachment to motherhood, it is very important in preventing mental illness. illness or mental health issues, so if I want to be present, that brings me to the second principle, which is bonding, which is connection and how it connects, and a lot of parents make a mistake and say, "Well, let me solve all the problems." of my son". which creates rights and disaster, but the first is what do you want? and I think it's a big question for kids when they're six or seven years old, what do you want in our relationship?

I treat many difficult children and one of my favorites. You ask parents how many times out of 10, when you ask this child to do something, they will do it the first time without arguing or fighting and seven is the average for healthy children, so very few children always do something well, except the children who look at me is zero or less than three and when I ask the children about this 78 n I say that your goal is to make your mother cry I say I don't say why you do it I don't know and the fact is that they don't know because it is not driven by will, it is driven by the

brain

and that concept alone, plus if a child doesn't do what you ask them to do and you ignore it or just repeat it what you are doing is teaching them to do that and the

brain

is lazy, so this will be a fun conversation.

What about people who would say that may make children obedient but it doesn't make them free thinkers or independently reflective. I think sometimes we feel like these two things go against each other, like we feel like they listen to everything we say and do what we say, so how do they build their own? sense of identity how that works well that's totally in the book on how to do that and that's because you don't solve all of your children's problems that's the heart of love and logic is what you want children to make mistakes and you want them to. make them pay the consequences so they learn agency is a very important word in life um so I have six children three of them are adopted and Chloe um who is now 20 years old is a bit Helen and uh argumentative oppositionist and I am a child psychiatrist and Chloe Eran two years when Tan and I met and I said, Tana, you've finished second grade, but they'd like to do it badly for homework for a couple of hours and I said, and then Tana got a program, uh.

I co-wrote the book with Charles Fay, president of the Institute of Love and Logic, so she began raising her children with love and logic and then took everything they had created one night, when I finally understood that she had finished second grade, she he said to Chloe. She would never ask him to do her homework again. She said, "Hey, I'm done with second grade, this is your responsibility and if you're okay with the consequences of not doing your homework, Mrs. M, her teacher will be mad at you, you're not going." She goes out to recess and if she really decides that you're not going to do it you'll make new friends when you repeat second grade that was that Epiphany moment Chloe got upset and said I never said I wasn't going to do my homework.

I'm just not going to do it now she stormed out 20 minutes later she came back no one asked her to do her homework again she's going to graduate with a business degree from Chapman University she's brilliant she's independent she has agency she's a hard worker and a free thinker because she couldn't pressure her mother to solve her problems, she had to solve it with of course the right support and by the way, to really push this idea, if Khloe forgot her homework, there is no way her mother would do it. Bring it to school because then she would only forget it once, right, if she forgot her homework and we brought it to school, we would always bring her homework to school if it was cold and she forgot to bring a sweater, no one will bring a sweater she forgot her lunch no one will bring him lunch we are teaching him probably the most important skill of mentally strong people I am responsible for my life and if there are consequences I will pay them and you want them to be done to you mistakes when the consequences are affordable and at what age is it a particular age or there's a time when, like four five six, you know sooner, better and of course you're always putting, you know, think about the bowling alley you're Putting pads on to protect them, but when I was a young father I think my self-esteem was not very good and I would gain self-esteem by solving my children's problems and what I realized was that I was robbing them of their self-esteem. esteem because where do we get self-esteem?

There's a big Harvard study where they followed 454 kids from inner-city Boston schools for 70 years. I mean, think about that, one of the longest longevity studies ever done and they looked at what was happening to you. I know with mental illness with addiction with self-esteem and the only thing that correlated with self-esteem was whether or not you worked when I was a child whether or not you had responsibility at home did you have a paper route did you have an outside job when I was At 10 years old I went to work because my dad owned grocery stores and the work is good, but for rich people who have help at home and everything is done for the child, they are really setting him up to have difficulties in his life because he will not develop a sense of agency, that's so interesting to hear that I always felt like I started doing.

I was a paperboy when I was 14 and I remember going down the local streets and delivering the papers and it was raining and it was, you know, at some time of the year in England it would snow over the Christmas period and it was the hardest because I'm pulling this like If you knew this tram, we'd call it. I don't know what you would call it here. but pulling this cart that has all the newspapers stacked in it and then I worked in re and then I worked in a grocery store and then I worked in retail and I've been working since I was 14 and I couldn't.

I don't agree with you anymore. I learned so many interesting skills. I developed so many amazing habits because you had to do it to be able to do it and that resonates strongly with me. How comfortable are you with seeing your child feel uncomfortable? Because I imagine that's the biggest thing. challenge as a parent who loves his worshipers cares about this child he does not want it to be cold he does not want the child to be late for school he does not want the child to perform poorly his ego is somewhat attached to the child's ego and level of success How are you comfortable seeing your child feel uncomfortable in a way that is not unemotional and not insensitive?

It's hard to keep the big picture and long-term game in mind. What do I want? What kind of father does he make? I want to be effective present, what kind of child do I want to

raise

independent, competent, strong? If I do too much, I'm robbing them of their self-esteem, their sense of responsibility and agency, and that's a disaster, you just don't do it. you want and you need to see it in advance and that's why you know the first principle is to know what you want and always ask your kids, so what's the goal for this year? what do you want?

It's not that you don't tell them. objective I refer to an example when I turned 18, it was the first time I could vote and my father told me that if I voted for Senator McGovern, the country would go to hell, so 1972 Richard Nixon is running for re-election, it is a very popular president even though he will turn out to be a disaster against the senator, my government, I'm 18 and I don't have a relationship with my father, I mean, we are rather angry with each other, he is trying to have influence about me, but because we're not in a relationship, I'd rather piss him off right now, it wasn't my conscious thought, but I'd rather piss him off and I voted to move out and the country went to hell, but I had nothing.

As far as McGovern was concerned, it was all Nixon and Watergate, etc., but it was that lack of relationship and if people do what I talk about in the book, you have more influence with them and that leads to the first principle being setting goals , the second. one is the bond, the attachment, if you want to have influence with your children, if you want them to seriously consider your values, you have to be connected with them and what does that take time, like real physical time where you are not on your phone but if? You put your phone away and you spend 20 minutes a day with a child so there's an exercise that I talk about in the book that I love so much you know all the things that I've recommended to my patients for the last 45 years when I decided to Be psychiatrist 45 years ago is a special moment, it is crazy magic and 20 minutes a day do something with your child that the child wants to do and that is reasonable.

You can do it in 20 minutes, so it's like not taking me to Nordstroms and during that time there are no orders or questions. there's no instructions, it's just time to be together and it's money in the relational bank and I remember when I first discovered this, my literary agent uh had a son later in life we ​​were talking on the phone and he's like my daughter Laura she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me and she has to do it and he said that's like a girl thing, right, a mother and daughter thing, they don't want anything.

I'm like no, Carl, you're ignoring her, what do you mean, I'm ignoring her. I'm like you're ignoring her, do this and he said it won't work. I say, oh great, you represent an idiot. My own literary era will not do what I say. Do it. In fact, I'm going to put you. on my schedule for 3 weeks I'm going to call you to start the party and so three weeks go by I call him Carl Daniel she won't leave me alone as soon as I walk in the door she grabs my leg and wants her time the only thing she wants to do is to be with me.

I think that's the problem. That's what we earn. That's what we are after so much physical time and now parents are so busy that they don't spend this time alone. listening time, so that's the second part, so real physical time and shut up, it's so important, so you love them so much that you want to pour out all your knowledge, all your wisdom that you worked on your whole life and download it. in their head, don't do that, listen to them and therapists learned this technique called active listening: every time someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how to think, you repeat it and listen to the feelings behind the words, so if my son She came home and said Dad, I want to have blue hair.

I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said. No, when while you live in this house, you can have blue air, but that just stops the conversation or starts a fight. Listen to her. active teaches you to repeat what you hear oh you want to have blue hair and then be silent long enough for them to explain what's really going on and he could say all the kids now have blue hair. I have been to a school. I know not everyone has blue hair and if I had said that to my dad, I don't know what your dad would have said.

I don't care what other people are. As long as you live in this house you're not going to have blue hair if they're going to jump off a bridge you're going with them I'm sure I've heard it many times and what's the point stop the conversation or start a fight it sounds like you want to be like the other kids conversation completely different but that's it and he could say dad, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in now my mother would have said what do you mean? you don't fit in of course you fit in you're a good boy you're a good looking boy you're a good boy and that doesn't help either what's helpful is that sometimes you feel like you don't fit in and then give them a break so they can solve their problem Now after half an hour he says I still want to have hair.Blue, I'm going to tell him no way while you live in my house because it's not okay to look weird, I mean, if you look weird, you're going to hang out with weird people, right, it's okay to have limits regarding behavior.

Some parents have no boundaries and I think some boundaries are appropriate. What does Limitless lead to? I like it from a neuro

science

and from a perspective of studying what happens if it leads to mental health problems, so there's a big study from the University of Oregon that we looked at 10,000 families and they looked at parenting in two dimensions: parents who were um firm versus permissive and then hostile versus loving and if you take those two dimensions you end up with four types of parents uh permissive and hostile permissive and firm loving and permissive loving and firm and looked at what the consequences or the outcome of each style were. parenting do you have any idea what would be worse? which would be the worst? the one that creates the most problems you would think is hostile and permissive hostile and permissive the worst which one do you think is the second worst? loving and permissive loving and permissive shocking Wow, because children need limits and the loving and permissive ones had more mental health problems than the hostile and firm ones.

That doesn't help, right, that creates anxiety, but children need limits. I often say that God gave us parents until our frontal loes develop right in the front third of The brain is the most human part of the brain. Focus for thinking, judgment, impulse control and that is why you need parents to help guide you and one of the big mistakes we make as a society is that we abdicate parenting before their front parts develop. I'm not a big fan of sending kids to college because you're going to take their undeveloped prefrontal cortex and put them in a dorm with a bunch of other undeveloped prefrontal courtesies, bad idea and you know, I learned this as the child psychiatrist sends the kids to school the incident anxiety increases depression increases suicide increases addiction increases and uh, it's not good, how could you avoid that if your kids were also going to college?

My daughters always wanted to go to the University of Virginia on the other side. I say no, you have to go somewhere I can drive to see you in three hours. Wow, wow, so yeah, it's really interesting, these boundaries and rules build mental toughness. you talk about that because it's hard to know, I think as a parent, and it goes back to the previous point where you were saying that we're dealing with so many things with ourselves, like people are busy, they're stressed, they're on the phone. trying to decompress after a long day and what I liked about what you said was 20 minutes with no questions, no commands, no instructions, which I think is really powerful and a special takeaway for people because it can be very difficult to take time to quality, but I love the definition of quality time: there are no instructions, no orders, no questions, because it seems that that is what our relationship with children is about and what are all those doing if their relationship is just giving the children orders , instructions, questions, what ends up happening with the children? relationship, they close down and if you're just in his space and you know, as a child psychiatrist, you know I've seen thousands of children over the years and often the parents go, he doesn't talk to you, he doesn't want to be here, he won't talk to you, I go, yeah, it's very hard to be me and I just sit there and play with them, but while I play with them in a game, they choose, they talk, you know? they talk about what happens in their dreams what happens at home what happens what game would you play with them I mean we'll play cards, we'll play Shoots and Ladders, we'll play Monopoly, we'll play all kinds of different games um and one of my games Favorites is the storytelling game where they will start a story and have one sentence, one sentence, one sentence and you can really see how their minds work. work, why does it work?, why?

It's a great point of interaction that allows them to open up because children, if you just say, tell me your problem, they will have no idea and they will freeze if you play a game with them or go on a walk with them then they start to open up if they know that You'll hear and we're just in a society that talks over each other, parents are anxious and they want to resolve things and they talk too much, so if I can get it, let people use fewer words and be more present. It's gold for them.

How do you know if a child is getting stronger or weaker mentally while he practices some of these methods? What do you notice? What are the core habits or traits? of a mentally strong child and a mentally weak child so mentally strong children don't believe everything they think this is so important before in other episodes we have talked about killing ants automatic negative thoughts I actually have a children's book called Captain Snout and superpowers questions I wrote specifically to teach children to question their automatic thoughts and therefore a vulnerable child, so maybe I wouldn't say mentally weak, we just say vulnerable, if you notice that they smell bad, they think who read minds, guess, focus on what's wrong instead of what's right a strong child still has those thoughts but will question them they just won't stick to what I call the different types of ants and guilt is like the worst ant, you know, you blame other people.

For your life you become a victim and become helpless. What can I do today to solve this problem? And that is the essence of the book along with love and logic. What can I do today to solve this problem? Yes, obviously, none of us. They are perfect and I think all parents are already judging themselves on how they parent. I think a lot of people carry that weight and stress of I'm not a good parent. I wish I could have handled that better. I shouldn't have said that I should have said what's a healthy way to make up for a mistake you've made maybe you've said something you wish you hadn't said you did something you shouldn't have done and you've done it a few times what's a healthy way to repair that bond, well, there's a cycle of blame that people get into, they overreact and then they feel bad about it, so they don't react and they let go of the bad behavior and they let it go and they let it go. he leaves and then they can't stand it and then they explode and then they feel guilty and then they don't react and they don't react and then they don't react and then they overreact and then the trick is when their Behavior that you don't like to face it instead of letting it go, it's how to deal with it in the moment and you are going to make mistakes.

God knows I have made many mistakes, but every day I win or learn well. I'm working with an Olympic athlete that I love very much, Alicia Newman, she's the Canadian record holder for pole vating and, um, she's a disaster when I saw her, she did my program, she tricked my brain and now she's so mentally strong because every tourn

amen

t. she wins or she learns and as a parent, that's the mentality: you know we had a great day and when you don't have a great day, why didn't we have a great day? And you think about it in the book. types of brain reasons why you didn't have a great day, you didn't sleep, you went too long without eating, um, there's the jet lag, you know, that has more bad days just because you know as a society we all suffer from jet lag. at the same time, so If you can just be curious instead of being furious, it helps you a lot, so if we have a great day, it's like okay, why is that happening?

Just think and the default is always firm and kind, and the softer your voice, the more they pay attention if you're yelling, they tune you out and get angry. It's very interesting as I listen to you. I think, like you gave the example of the Olympic athlete, we need this for ourselves right now. age because our child probably didn't receive this type of parenting or wasn't exposed to this, and even that statement that you just said, I either gain or I learn, I think it's a habit for any of us to hear this right now. We need to develop ourselves because I think that just as we are harder on children or on another person, this is due to the fact that we are hard on ourselves, like there is this inner critic and this inner voice that breathes negativity and, like you said, the blame cycle. that goes on, it seems like then it becomes the externalized version of how we treat children and then again we feel guilty for doing that because we know it's wrong when you're trying to become mentally strong but you feel like you don't have it.

When your kids need dinner prepared, you need to do their homework with them. I feel like there is a massive loss of time, balance, the ability to attend to this. What do people do when they're like Jay? I'm just surviving as if it were me. Just by putting food on the table we almost survive to be able to turn on the TV at night after the kids are asleep like I don't have time for myself how do we balance that time? That's why special time is not two hours with the child, it's doable, you're playing for the long haul and very often parents love their children so much that we're going to play soccer and we're going to dance and we're going to make music and we're going to and it's like stop, they need time to spend with each other and you say, well, but I have to do my homework with the kids, it's like, please, no, that's not what they want you to do, they want the kids to do the homework. homework and if they don't do it, they let the kids pay the consequences, but then what the parents do is they get into this guessing thing, it's like, well, then they won't get into the best preschool and they won't get into the best one. school and they won't go to Harvard and their life will be terrible and because I went to a junior college, a community college, I'm actually in the Orange Co College Hall of Fame and I think a lot of people, Mark Cubin, said that . it's like most people should go to a community college because it's very low cost and it's the same education, right, but people have this idea of ​​prestige that's tied to myself, esteem and it's and Prestige is a French word that comes from a French word that means deception, right?

I mean, I went to community college, my life is amazing because I work hard, and ultimately another point: You never want to tell a kid that they're smart. I mean, parents are so proud that you're so smart. Never do that. Go, work hard because if you tell them that they are smart and they can't learn something, their self-esteem goes down. If you go, I really like how hard you're working and they come up with something difficult, they work harder and so do you. teach kids because mentally strong people ask questions and very often it's like no, I want to ask questions.

I don't want to sound stupid, it's like mentally strong people to ask questions, so when I was in elementary school I never asked a question. and then I realized because I was in the military and it took me three years between high school and college and I was able to grow and I thought, oh, you have to ask questions well. I learned that in the military if you ask a question. and someone says no, ask someone else because they're more likely to say yes, so I learned that I don't just take no, but in school it's like, oh, let me ask questions if I don't understand something, chances are that people don't understand it.

I don't quite understand what some of those other statements are that parents say to their kids that they think are saying the right thing but end up being counterproductive because they make it harder for the child to live up to it. What are some of those others? statements will be fine like or I will take care of it for you if they have problems with another child at school immediately in the principal's office they don't listen to the child and leave then how do you think they can handle that or what did they do and fix it and that's death to their self esteem now of course if it's dangerous, bullying or abuse you have to step in and deal with it but for day to day things how?

Do you think you can solve this instead of good? I had that problem when you had when I was your age and this is what I did and this is what you should do don't do that because it steals their self esteem it steals their agency what can you do? I'm rooting for you instead of a guy. It's a dumb decision, yes, yes, wow, no, I'm rooting for it. I mean, that's so big in our friendships, it's so big in marriage, it's huge with kids, I think. it's very easy to just say this is what I did this is what you should do this is the right way to do it this is easy and we think we're basically taking a shortcut because we're not listening we're not actually joining in we're not connecting and we're trying to come to a conclusion that hopefully we think solves the problem and a lot of this goes back to what we've both mentioned in this conversation is that there is this subconscious attachment of the ego to the child who is succeeding.

It is being a reflection of our self-esteem our self-esteem our self-esteem is wrapped up in our child's self-esteem and self-esteem and now you know that unconsciously we are living our dreams through them, that is not as basic as saying I want my child to be a doctor because I am, but there are other more subtle versions of that, how do you disconnect thepeople with that ego? Because it seems to be so subtle and so hidden, but it's there and I think everyone notices it with their parents when their parents are acting that way but almost when we become parents we are completely oblivious to that ego and it's so important, it's often so toxic if someone lives an unfulfilled life that they pour a lot of it into their children and that makes these children miserable and it doesn't give them a sense of agency, it limits them um and they often rebel against that instead of what you want to do .

It will allow you to live well, so I don't have to support you and I love my six children, but I never want to have to live with them. I want to create competent people who can take care of themselves, it's like, oh, live your dream, whether you can take care of yourself or not, and that will make them miserable if you depend on someone else, uh, you're miserable. entitled people are never happy um another thing is and uh I posted this on Tik Tok and it got like 7 million views um Seal of mental toughness um I don't do things for people who don't treat me with respect whoa so you know the kid se misbehaves you love him so much it doesn't matter you know give them everything they want anyway death I don't do good things for people who I feel don't treat me with respect doesn't mean you don't feed them of course you feed them but you won't carry them to the store nor do you good things for them.

I mean, you have to teach them their consequences, so the third part is setting goals, putting as many ties in there and so on. Many mental illnesses are attached to attachments that are broken, could you explain to us how to do it? John Bul is kind of a famous attachment psychologist and he said that if we're not connected to our moms or dads, that puts us in a big situation. risk of mental health problems and you are absolutely right and often the breakdown of the bond between your mother or your father or it can be any primary caregiver creates this anger within you and then you feel guilty about the anger and then you lash out. yourself and You know a lot of people who live with this negative chatter in their head and often it's that specific dynamic that makes them angry at their mother or their father.

You know, maybe they got divorced when they were four or five or a brother died when they were going through something. This happens, they get very angry, but that's not appropriate because these are the people who feed me so much anger, guilt over anger, and then self-attack, and they live with it their whole lives. I can't tell you the number of people and when. When you're four, five or six, you think you're the center of the world and if something good happens you think it's because of you, if something bad happens you think it's your fault and you end up with this chronic sense of being. bad and there is a specific type of therapy that I like, it's called short-term intensive dynamic psychotherapy and it's often about getting to the underlying feelings and the anger, the attachment and the guilt about the anger is usually the important part, sometimes It's hard because I feel like a lot of people can feel like I don't understand my son, they're angry, they're upset, they know they want to disconnect.

What do you do in that situation? Where do you start right? I think First you start with the simple things and look at what they are eating because that matters. I have a patient who got angry every time he dyed red and people dyed red, yes, red dye number 40, and just like everyone else. Sweet in candy, think Red Vines, yes, and it's even in children's cough syrup or hard candies. He dyed red number 40 and he would get angry and when they took away the red die, he would be fine, but sometimes he would get it accidentally. and he would get angry, so I scanned him, you know, that's what I do.

I look at people's brains, so we scanned him without red dye for a month and his brain was healthy. We gave him Red Vines that have the 40th red D on them and his brain kind of exploded that dramatic hyperactivity in his brain, so if you're really struggling with your child and you use the principles that Dr. Fay and I talked about in this book and you're still struggling, it's probably a good idea. to be evaluated, and on average, it's years between the time a child first has a symptom, anxiety, depression, OCD, it adds up between them having a symptom and being evaluated, and so many brilliant people go.

I never give my children medication and it's like I'm diabetic. giving them medication if he had a heart condition giving them medication is like and I'm not advocating drugs, right? I mean, I own a supplement company, um, but I don't mind if I do all the things I know how to do then. I use medicine to do it, people don't really see the brain as an organ, they have to get the progression of your brain, the physical function of your brain creates your mind and if your brain is not right, your mind is not right, and So what are they? the ways in which a mind can be problematic, so if you have a child who doesn't sleep, who has nightmares, who has tantrums that won't go away, doesn't connect socially, is obsessive, it's like at some point you have to go to the to be.

It happens in his brain and there's a whole section in the book on brain health for kids, of course you have to model it as a parent, but what you feed them matters, how much they sleep matters. I have another really fun book called Time for Bed Sleepy Head, which is a hypnotic bedtime story for kids. In fact, I used to do it with my daughter Brienne when she was three years old. I did it from three to eight. She loved the story very much. And think of your children in four big circles that they have. a biology, so we talk about their brain, they have a psychology, how they think they have a social circle, what their environment is like and there's a spiritual circle that most Christ child wouldn't touch, but it's kind of like why do you care? ? you know why?

Do you think you are on the planet? What is your sense of meaning and purpose? Because determined people are happier and more determined people. I mean, what am I on purpose? True, they live longer and, therefore, nourish those four circles that are so important for children. What does what? Do you see yourself loving the discipline because I think it sounds good? As if we were all like that. Yes, I would love to be disciplined, but I would love to be loving and often we don't even realize what that means in the workplace. and much less with children, we are affectionate or disciplined, but we are not.

I think it should be both. How does it look? Well, you know, we haven't come up with rules. I think families should have them. Society has rules like telling the truth. uh, do what mom and dad say the first time. I love that rule, uh, because you know your chances of abusing the child? If you tell a child to do something five times, your chances of abusing that child increase significantly and so if you have the expectation that they do things the first time it's like Caitlyn taking me, you know, I want You take out the trash in like the next half hour and if she doesn't, it's like, honey, you have a choice, you can take it out now or you can have this consequence and then you can take it out.

I don't care, it's up to you and I love that part of not being attached to it. I love her. I am very clear and she will receive that consequence if she does not have it. move like um stop threatening them and then you don't follow through uh because you teach them that you have to tell them and get angry and be a little crazy to get them to do what you ask them to do and I like the rules and the rhythms and routines that I remember in my house afterwards After dinner, my sister and I cleaned and we had a little rotor of who was washing that day and who was cleaning the table that day and it was something that circulated every day, we took it in turns and My sister was four years younger than me and we did it together and it became something that we just did and it became natural, it became a habit and it made us responsible to each other and also to our parents.

It was a really great way to give us those rules and you know, I think sometimes we think of rules as strict rules and guidelines, but really it can be just a rhythm and a routine and it's building confidence and skill and you. You are part of the family instead of having the right to live in that family, yes, yes, and the sooner you start the better it will be for the children, I mean it is difficult if you don't spend time with the children when they are already 14 their friends are more important than you and that's the heartbreaking thing that I've learned is that if you don't spend time with them, their friends will take your place and they may not have the advice, they may not have the right ear for you. and makes them more vulnerable to all the scary things on social media.

Well, I was going to ask you about that. I think a lot of the challenges that parents face today are: my son is addicted to social media, Ed, he's addicted to his phone. Forget about spending time with them. I can't even get them to look up and communicate with me. What have you seen? What have you experienced? There is a whole section on technology. Yes, you can have technology and I recommend that you delay it as much as humanly possible. because it is not the best for them, but you can have technology as long as it does not create a problem in the family and if we do not connect, that is a problem in the family if you are having dinner, now you cannot be there.

Keep your phone on throughout dinner and tell your child that you can't be on his right, so everyone should probably put their phones away so he can connect properly. Modeling mentally strong parents, ultimately raising mentally strong children, but the problem with social media and you are on social media. media I'm on social media creates this toxic level of self-absorption you know who's watching me who's me watching who's following me um and self-absorbed people are never, ever happy, but that's become a big challenge right now. It's what everyone is addicted to It's what everyone wants It's like you said parents are on their phones they're not going to stop right away what do you think is going to be the silver lining or the light at the end of a tunnel that is going to have that breakthrough with a child like what do you think would be good, you know I would come back to delay it as long as you can, you even know if the child is like everyone is doing it CU, not everyone is doing it, but it's like I I love you so much I'm going to protect you all the studies all say it makes children more vulnerable to bad things um and then what are they doing to our brain?

What are social networks doing to our brain? Well, addictive, that, um, there's a book. I love to call myself excited to death, uh, it's continually pushing your nucleus accumbens, which produces dopamine, continually pushing the pleasure centers in your brain, but the problem with that is the more you push them, they start to go numb and you need more. and more emotion. more and more stimulation to be able to feel anything and you know, I see it with the wonderful famous people that I have been lucky enough to see. I see it in kids who are addicted, I mean they're actually shipped programs and I've shipped.

Several children went on the Internet video game addiction M program and when they get away from it they become sweet again. I had a boy whose parents took away his video games, he broke all the furniture in his room and I think he needs the program. We decided to remove all of his devices and I scanned him a month later and then I scanned him while he was playing one of the violin video games he was addicted to and it disabled his frontal lobes and his left temporal lobe which is an area that is often involved in violence like it's not a good thing what about parents who are parents going through a divorce going through a tough time what's the healthiest way to communicate that to a child?

I know, I know couples who are staying together for the kids, they don't want to get divorced even though they don't have a healthy relationship. I know others who got divorced, but they are very scared about how that little devil affects the child. What have you seen through neuroscience and research about when you stay together or break up, so it's not good, divorce is not good for the child, but staying in a chronically unhappy conflictive negative relationship is worse, so that neither of them are good. I often tell people that I see the best they can do.

What you can do for your child is love your spouse, the best thing you can do to model a healthy relationship, but you know there is no education in school on how to have a healthy relationship, so there should be, that would be helpful when you pass for a divorce. Be very careful not to speak badly about the other person because that child is half you and half him. If you talk bad about his mother, he feels bad about himself, it also increases cortisol in his body and makes him much more likely to get sick. It's so bad that often if you're getting divorced you go to therapy together and figure out how we're going to parent together, raising mentally strong kids is great, it's like we're going to parent this way, you know, we have goals, we have time. together we have rules, one thing we haven't talked about yet is noticing what you like more than what you don't, there's my whole penguin story, which I think I've probably told here before, but I'd love that heads up. what you like every day you are molding your child by what you notice you are molding your partner you are molding your employees you are molding everyone by what you pay attention and so you notice what you like more than what you don't and that really solidifies the kind part of parentingeffective one that I've also been thinking about a lot.

I was sharing with some families last week when I was doing some events this idea about how mindfulness and meditation can look very different for kids and so on. I don't think it's necessary to force all children to sit in one place and close their eyes. I also believe that mindfulness can be an activity. Hey, when you're out today, see if you can find as many red things as possible, like when you walk out the door today come back and give me a list of things you found that were red or you can find as many leaves that look like stars or rocks that look like stars. today when you're away from home and I think mindfulness can actually come to life when we live it and breathe it when they're away from home, as opposed to this feeling that kids need to learn it a certain way, what have you seen?

Good and don't feel good. Yes Yes. exactly that's my, it doesn't mean they have ADHD It may mean their nervous system is not fully melinized right, it's not fully myelinated for people who don't know what that means when you're born, you don't actually have much myin in your brain, a As we develop, our neurons become wrapped with a white fatty substance called myelin and a myelinated neuron works 10 to 100 times faster than an uncoupled one and by the time we are 2 months old, our occipital operations at the back of vision become melinized and So, when you look at a baby and smile, he smiles back.

They don't do it as newborns because their visual cortex doesn't work quickly and then slowly the myelination goes from the back and reaches the front when it ends, around the time we are 25 years old. and then expect the child to act like an adult bad bad bad but you can teach them self-soothing techniques from the age of four. I think breathing deeply, very slow, slow, because you can exhale as slowly as you can and that Cal, when they get anxious, then you know, yeah, what I'm hearing from you today is that it's really helping them develop the tools that they will need in the long term.

The challenge is that we need to know what those tools are for. we make them for ourselves we believe in them because otherwise we like you said we rush to solve their problems we try to make up for their losses they never become independent and

resilient

individuals and they talk to us about where love fits into all of this like what What does love look like with your child? Beyond time and beyond certain things you've said today, what does love really look like? What does love mean? Because I think when you think about what parents ultimately want, they want to be loving parents, that's what everyone wants.

They want to love their children, but love overtakes them, as overcompensating love often results in over-resolving rather than fixing the overblown and overwhelming and forcing them to excel, and therefore, even though we love them, we end up doing all these things that cause them pain, so love is when you want to take their homework to school it's not because you love them and you want the best for them, which is to become mentally strong, that's love, love is putting away your phone and passing time with them, love is when they leave and when they are 10 years old. and come on, all my friends have a phone, what if a school shooter comes and I can't reach them?

Children are manipulative, frankly, we are all manipulative and it's like you know there are too many risks with that, that's love. it's about setting limited boundaries in a kind and consistent way and ultimately Love Is You develops these tools so that you can be firm and kind at the same time, beautiful Dr. Daniel to everyone, the book is called raising mentally strong children , how to combine the power of neuroscience with love. and logic to develop confident, kind, responsible and

resilient

children and young adults, if you don't already have a copy, go grab yours right now, Dr.

D, what a gift to talk to you again about this topic, like we told you. It had appeared many, many times, the first time we really took an interest in children and raised them, uh, and I'm very grateful that you put this book together for everyone else to read and share, and I hope that parents develop book clubs around it. communities around them because I believe that this conversation about raising mentally strong children needs to be at the center of our schools, our homes, our families, because it will prepare them and prepare our society and the world for so much success, so thank you very much for Making this honestly, thank you my friend, thank you if you love this episode, you will love my interview with Dr.

Gabo Mate on how to understand your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to begin to let go of the past. Everything in nature grows only where it is vulnerable. A tree does not grow where it is hard and thick, does it go where it is soft, green and vulnerable?