The Better Boarding Method Airlines Won't Use

What is the fastest way to board a plane? I mean, you can't just open the doors like you're funneling cattle into a chute. That's not for us. We are primates, after all! So let's put our monkey brains to work tackling this queue, which is what

boarding

groups do: prioritize, just pack primates with precision. (Mostly) Ok, we have a suggestion: put people on the plane upside down. This is an intuitive solution for filling a cylinder. But there is almost a law of the universe that solutions that are... ...the first thing you would think of and that seem sensible and easy to implement are often... ...terrible and ineffective solutions, a once implemented they will drag down civilization forever. :: Cough, voting systems, cough :: So it should come as no surprise that this

method

is… …not good and also not the one most

airlines

use to board their planes.

Let's see it in action: The first

boarding

group walks towards the back of the plane. Everything goes well until the first person out gets to their line and starts saving. Very slow. And for passenger two, as long as his seat is in sight, there is nothing to do. The hallway is a queue, where everyone can't help but stew, stuck like glue until this guy finishes. :: Ugh :: They are bags. Suitcases cause most of the delay in boarding a flight. As with this: a complete stowage. When this happens, everyone boarding the plane on and off must wait until one person finishes putting their bag away.

Can you feel it? Does the total lost seconds of human life accumulate as a reward for an enchanted reaper? Of course he can. You can feel it with every bag. :: Uhhh :: What was he saying? Well, back-to-front boarding groups have a lot of full storage spots and very little of what you want:... pullouts, parallels, parallels, and pullouts. Withdrawals turn one queue into two. And the parallels reduce the overall storage time of the bag and are very satisfactory. The rare triple parallel that invokes a double high-five for the sheer pleasure of its efficiency. But charging backwards allows few of these things to happen.

Now let's say that not only was he... not good at designing boarding parties... ...but he was malicious and wanted to maximize the amount of human life wasted on a flight. What would you do? Not back to front but front to back: the smaller the boarding group, the

better

. This makes almost every tedious advance result in a complete stop,… …because most of the line waits in already full lines or outside the plane. Look familiar? This is where we recognize the class structure of aircraft. The real planes look like this and the first class boards first, from front to back,... ...before the pro-economy file from back to front.

Therefore, excluding preboarding, all

airlines

start with the slowest boarding

method

they can intentionally devise. Now obviously this video will soon reveal faster boarding procedures. And you may wonder: “why don't airlines use faster methods?” One possible answer is economic incentives. The first class pays for benefits, sometimes impressive benefits for impressive amounts. And addressing first is one of them. Plus, airlines give everyone loyalty points that allow you to move up the class structure the more you fly with that airline. Which gives airlines another good reason to group people together. And it probably helps explain why they abandoned the old faster method that you won't believe they used to use: "Hello, everyone.

The plane is here. Come on in." Doing nothing and having people board the flight in the order they show up… …to get their assigned seat is faster than organizing ordered boarding groups. This is because random people are spread out, well, randomly... ...increasing the chances of recalls and parallels, unlike the more orderly methods airlines have opted for. Man, it's always frustrating knowing that literally doing nothing... ...would be faster than something you do. But surely a

better

boarding group order can be found if we can remove malice and add thought to this problem. Ah! Three groups: window, middle, hallway.

In that order. This is actually the same as doing three random times, once for each column of the ship... ...but the reason it's a little faster is because it eliminates the other source of boarding delay: seat changes. When people board randomly, many seat changes will occur. And when people crowd the hallway, the line slows down. Sorting everyone by window, center, or aisle ensures that seat changes never occur. This seems like it should be a big improvement. But when you simulate boarding a plane with a bunch of real math... (rather than just animating it in a dramatically simplified way)... or do real experiments, seating arrangements aren't much of a deal compared to storage. bags.

People who fight with their one bag that doesn't fit,... ... or try to get on board with three bags because they don't think the rules should apply to them,... ... who then also fiddle to get their computers out laptops after storing them. Those kinds of delays count for a lot more. So Window-Middle-Aisle is maybe a little bit faster than random mode, which is good... ...and some airlines use this method, which makes their planes turn faster than the other way around... . ..and at the same time gives them boarding groups to play with. games with. The vast majority of airlines use the aisle upside down or with a window in the middle.

So be alert the next time you board a flight for what's happening to you. But can we go further? Leaving the real world: with its systems of classes and people, and disorder and smells, … … ascending to the Platonic plane of physics, … … where cows are spheres and people are cellular automata that will execute instructions to perfection. Here on the Celestia, what is theoretically the fastest way to board a plane? At this level, this is what is possible: To achieve this ballet, there are no boarding groups, but rather everyone is placed in an exact order. From back to front in alternating rows, on alternating sides, with the windows facing in.

This maximizes separations and parallels. Pack people impeccably in a pinch. Witnessing such glory is too much for mortal minds to endure for long... ...so we are forced to descend back into the world of the flesh. The cacophony! The smell! Where we must put monkeys in a tube. Monkeys with families, where separating their young invites chaos and cleanliness. Where economic incentives divide and benefit. And where, even at the best of times, the human inability to follow instructions is impressive. Here, people, seeing 'boarding group 123', went crazy. Not to mention the impossibility of trying to get them to line up in order.

And where even if it was faster, like watching the seconds on a clock, people would complain that it was slower. Such gifts we were not meant to have. But is there any way we can modify this perfection to improve our lot on this plane? Yes. Instead of an exact order, the first boarding group would be an entire side of the plane in alternating rows. Boarding group the second, the other side, then back, and back again. One two three four. We cannot ask more from people. This shadow of the perfect method has the possibility of working in the real world with benefits such as: allowing humans with family and friends to board together,... offering airlines boarding groups that they can still play with... and still be faster than current methods.

In achieving perfection, we will always fall short. But maybe we can get closer in the process.