T.J. Miller Has a Seizure - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

- The paramedic wanted to give me the worst news in as few words as possible. What's

happening

? You just had an attack! Now what's going to happen? You will have another one! (audience laughing) (intense electronic music) Welcome to This Is Not Happening Presents: One Crazy Night So

this

is what we do. Our group of comedians tell stories on a similar topic. So

this

is just One Crazy Night. Leave it for Mr. T.J. Miller, everyone! (audience applauding) What a crazy night! Have you ever been partying? It's like drinking more than three or four days from morning to night.

Have you ever gone on a three-week bender? That's an interesting drop. You have to be careful, you know you're obviously in withdrawal. I had a particularly difficult night of sweating and waking up and hallucinating a little. And one of the hallucinations I had was that the guy, my friend, who let me stay at his house, I woke up and he had also been coming out of a party, and he was like in a corner, like naked. More or less, he was like naked. (Audience laughs) And he was just saying this, like, have you ever seen someone who doesn't dance at all? (audience laughs) Like he's just inches away from dancing, you know?

I mean, he was so close to dancing. And the next morning, I came down and I was like, dude, what were you doing at 7 a.m.? in my room, a little naked, well, naked but dancing in a corner? That's weird, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to have problems with a person for that to happen. And he said, "What are you talking about?" My cousin had a flight at 7 a.m. m., I was at the airport." And I had never had a moment go from being a weirdo to oh shit. (Audience laughing) 'Because then I was really the weirdo. (Audience laughing.) It went from being so strange that I was like dancing naked in my room to me being the guy that when I have hallucinations, it's from my friend (audience laughs) Dancing naked in the room We didn't go out for a while after that.

It's the craziest night I've ever had. I almost died in 2010, not because of any of those fun things everyone talks about. I had an arteriovenous malformation, which is a congenital brain disorder where there is a hemorrhage in one part of the brain. brain that has been malformed since you were born. Later they had to remove about a golf ball sized chunk of my brain. Fast forward about six months, I was making a movie that I'm sure you've seen, Yogi Bear 3D. (audience laughing) of which I was the star, and my behavior had become erratic. I mean really erratic.

I got really excited about tangle puzzles, studying them, taking them apart, and putting them back together. He was speaking in narrative form, where he would talk about the narrative path of the conversation before engaging in it, and then he would hit those cues in the conversation and usually end with a compliment. (audience laughing) It works. Later I asked my friends: did you notice anything strange in the way I acted? And they said, oh yeah, we thought you were doing hard drugs. (Audience laughs) That really shows what good friends you have. They think you're on meth and they tell you, don't mention it, it'll take care of itself. (Audience laughs) So, since my behavior was erratic, I returned to the United States and finished the movie, which grossed $100 million domestically and not bad for the first live-action cartoon hybrid talking bear in 3D. (Audience laughs) Oh yeah, there's bubblegum here.

So I was having lunch with my terrible managers at a lunch place in Beverly Hills, I'm sure he was a vegetarian, and he was promoting a movie, this is all true, about Chatroulette. Are you familiar with Chatroulette? That social experiment that made idiots immediately. I was featuring a terrible horror movie about Chatroulette, where you hit it off and start talking to a girl, and they talk for a while, and they're getting to that point where they might start telling you about where they are in the world. . They discover that they are in the same state in the United States.

And just as he's about to find out which city, a scary man walks by in the background. And the guy said: There's a guy in your room. Who is that? And she's like, ha, yeah, sure, whatever, don't try to scare me, it's late. And then the same stranger comes by and does like this. Pretty good movie, right? (Audience laughs) Too bad it was never made because of this crazy night I'm about to tell you about. (Audience laughs) So again, the dark stranger passes by, he's not dark in his ethnicity, he just doesn't, he's not well lit.

Then he passes. I'm talking to my managers and I tell them, and then, you know, he comes right behind her and makes this really scary face. (Audience laughs) And I fell to the floor, and my managers said, "He has a great commitment to such a terrible idea." (Audience laughs) Then they realized he had stopped breathing, so they called the ambulance and I woke up. "Boo!" a girl goes (Audience laughs) I like her attitude towards death, ma'am. (Audience laughs) What? Did you have to go to the hospital? Boooo! Keep it healthy! Multivitamins! So I woke up in the ambulance and there was a paramedic and he said, 'You just had a

seizure

!' I was like, huh?

He says, "You're about to have another attack!" I was like, “Ah!” and I fainted. (Audience laughs) How strange... The paramedic wanted to give me the worst news in as few words as possible. (Audience laughs) You know what I mean. What's

happening

? You just had an attack! Now what's going to happen? You're going to have another one! (Audience laughs) It's out, guys, it's okay! I knew what happened and what was going to happen. We can let it go. (Audience laughs) The next time I woke up, I woke up and I was on the ninth floor of Cedars-Sinai in what I would later find out was the ICU, in the neurology ward.

No one can talk up there, I was the only person who could talk. Those are serious brain problems if you're in the ICU, ninth floor. So I woke up, I was looking around and a nurse came in and said, "Um, your doctor can't be here," but a proxy will be here in a moment." She left. (Audience laughs.) There's a moment where you don't have any information and that's all they've given you, and the first thought I had was: where is that paramedic? (audience laughing) He would know what the fuck is going on. laughs) He would come in and say, the doctor is gone, the proxy is coming.

We will explain the proxy later (audience laughs) So I am waiting and sitting with the little knowledge I have, and this is it It's true, then! a robot appeared. (Audience laughs) We all think that robots are very exciting and useful in our daily lives, but when you don't expect to see a robot, it's not like, hey, you're a robot. Like, oh no. A robot. But it kind of came in; it was on these Segway wheels, and it was kind of, it had a column, a metal column, and then a little flat screen TV with a camera. on the top and a microphone on the bottom, and it was like Skype to another place, and there was a man's face on it.

And he turned like this, turned and just looked at me. And he says, "I'm sorry I can't be here right now," but I sent a proxy instead. And I couldn't help it. I just said, will we be in the future? (audience laughing) And his reaction was great, because there must be got a lot of that, I guess, because he said, ha ha, okay, I'll be there on Thursday (audience laughing). He just laughed and I said, "I'll be there on Thursday" to a man who was clearly terrified. I woke up the next morning and they said, look, you just had an AVM hemorrhage.

AVMs are usually found at autopsy. They're usually dead when they find them, or you're in a situation almost worse than being dead, which is being. I live in an autopsy and you say, stop, wait! Then he said, "Usually these are found in the autopsy!" "But you're lucky," your brain started bleeding probably six months ago. "Is there any erratic behavior?" And I said, "Yes." And he said, "Well, it was in the frontal lobe," which is responsible for personality, "so if there was excess bleeding there, "you would feel more activity." "Did you have any grandeur or delusional personality?" And I was like, yeah, you know that, man. (Audience laughs) And he said, "Well, we're going to have to go in" and we're going to embolize that area. "And luckily he's close enough to your skull" that we'll cut it open and then take out "a little piece of your frontal lobe." "He was already malformed to begin with," so we don't think it will affect your thinking "or your personality, but we're not sure." There is a 10% mortality rate from the surgery.

You don't have to do it, but you'll probably die at 30." And I said, okay. Just give me the options one more time. Just kidding, I'll have surgery. (Audience laughs) But, you know, I had to ask and I said, "Well, I'm a comedian, I make my living being funny and entertaining, and being able to see things in a kind of quirky, funny way." For example, my own death, or something like that. (audience laughs) "So, if you remove this part of my brain, "will that affect my ability to do that job?" And he was like, uh, I don't know.

But if you don't get it, you'll probably die. ( Audience laughs) And I said, "Yeah, but I'm still asking." He said, look buddy, what's worse dying or not being so funny on stage when you tell your little stories (Audience laughs) And me? I said, Have you ever been on stage and it didn't go well? (audience laughs) He said, no. I mean, I've given a lot of lectures at medical societies. And I was like, do you ever start with one. joke or something? And he said, "No, sometimes I close with a joke." well and then I feel very confident, and then it lasts longer than it should and then the reward isn't necessarily worth what I thought it would be worth.

And I thought, isn't that horrible? And he said, yes. (sigh) (audience laughing) Thanks guys, I'm T.J. Miller. (audience applause) (intense electronic music) Hello everyone. I hope you enjoyed the story. If you did, click like below so more people know you liked it. And don't forget to subscribe to receive the next story as soon as it's published.