Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy & Bill Engvall: Live! From Las Vegas (1999)

please welcome a comedian who is going to make your stomach hurt, Ron White, let's hear it from him, so yesterday I was sitting on a naked bean bag eating Cheetos and I was flipping through TV and I saw Robert Tilton, he's an evangelist . from Dallas and uh and he was looking at me and said are you alone? Yeah, he said if you wasted half your life in bars chasing sins of the flesh, this guy is good, he said, are you sitting on a bean bag naked eating Cheetos?, yes sir. He said: Do you feel the need to get up and send me $1,000 nearby?

I thought he was talking about me for a second. Yeah, apparently I'm not the only cat on the block. Dig Cheetos. Thank you. I just learned something interesting. Today in the pool. pool, they now have bikinis made from seashells. I didn't know this and I didn't know this if you ever walk by the pool and see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells and choose her. Pick it up and hold it against your ear. You can hear her scream. Who would have thought of it? I thought she would listen to the ocean, but not because of that woman.

Hush, ma'am, she was a wiggler. I almost died getting here. Actually, I didn't. I almost died I didn't even get hurt I flew here from Laughlin on a plane that big it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it and what happened was we took off from the tire and hair care center at Laughlin airport traveling halfway the speed of the smell and we have to go back, we had engine problems, we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines and they told us about it over the speaker system of the little plane, which was stupid because they could have said "hey" .

We lost some oil pressure, hey, you won't believe what just happened here, we lost some oil pressure, she, everyone on the plane was nervous, as you know, but the guy sitting next to me was losing his nerve. head, do you know what I? I mean it says hey man, hey man, if one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us to the accident scene, which is pretty useful because that's where we're headed? I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half hour we moved, so I've been in Vegas for 4 days. I'll give you an idea of ​​what my luck was like last night.

I put 50 cents into a Coke machine. Nothing came. I didn't even get angry. I moved recently. at the next machine I put 50 cents in that machine a drink came out I thought I won something I played on that machine Until Dawn won 4 and A2 diet boxes 7 matched, so if you're looking for one, they're in my room Last night some guys told me They asked if I wanted to go to the Crazy Horse and I didn't want to go. I ended up going because you guys back me up on this. They have seen a naked woman. They want to see the rest naked it could be an old biker you know they'll stay this far you want to see me naked yes, I'm good at it, that's enough, roll them up again, things that make you go, it was a while I'm done I went back to hotel B here at 7:30 uh this morning and I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00 and the lady says Mr.

White, it's after 7, no, next one, you have another one on the way. Why don't you put me in that one? They are running two a day across Nevada and it turns out he was right. I was just guessing no, it's good to be back in Dada where the speed limit on the interstate is 70m per hour unless you're in an 18 wheeler and then it's 65m per hour unless it's at night then it's 55m per hour unless you're in a car pulling a big trailer then it's 50m per hour and they do this of course because having everyone drive at the same speed on the same road just Has no sense.

I'm surprised they force them to drive in the same direction. And you? Why have rules? The first time I worked in Las Vegas, someone. I broke into my truck and stole my radio. I had to drive back to Texas. I listened to the sound of the wind for 71 hours. Get home. I went to the insurance company and I was filling out these forms and I got to the part of the form where it says what type of radio it was and I told the guy I didn't remember and he said Mr. White, if you can remember what type of radio it was, we'll know how much money to give him, that's good news.

I thought of a brand that sounded very expensive, I wrote it down and he knew he was lying. Mr. White. I don't think Rolex makes a radio, it was a clock radio. Right on the check, premium boy, they love it when you call them premium boy next time. you see your agent call him premium guy, he will chuckle. They took me tubing when I was here that summer. They took me tubing down the Colorado River. This puzzled me. I have never done it before. 21 of us in this hotel. we met up to take the subway to this river we had six coolers full of beer with a tube wrapped around them you know what I'm talking about we floated down the river drinking beer for 6 and a half hours not one person had to pee is it that normal?

Because I'd like to think my friends wouldn't pee on themselves. I know I would. That was the best thing about river tubing. You could just paddle over to someone you don't even know and talk to them while you're peeing. yourself, that's relaxed right there, if you're floating down the river drinking a beer, pissing yourself, there's no tension, there is. I guess we've been floating down the river for about an hour before I realize, well, everyone's just peeing themselves. and I tell them I'm going to pee myself, they all got mad at me of course I was in a standing canoe too, not everyone got mad, a couple of people saw it at a photo opportunity and I know this because I got their card Christmas that year. and I don't remember it being so cold that day, oh this is funny.

I'm on tour with Jeff all the time, he's my friend and I know we did it in Miami last year when Hurricane George hit the keys, it's funny they evacuated the keys and everyone. There are only one guy left except this guy and he will stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach to prove a point, the point is that at 53 years old he was in good physical condition to withstand the wind and rain of a quarter. two hurricanes let me explain something to you it's not that the wind blows it's what the wind blows If you get hit by a Volvo it really doesn't matter how many sit-ups you did that morning if you have a yield sign on your spleen, no one cares if you jog, so I'm from Texas.

Thank you very much because Texas is a great place in Texas. We have the death penalty and we use it if you come to Texas and kill someone. I will kill you again. I read in the paper the other day that they are trying to pass a

bill

in the Texas legislature that will speed up the execution process in very heinous crimes where there are more than three Witnesses or the guy just admits that he did it, he did it directly to the At the front of the line, other states are trying to abolish the death penalty and Texas is putting in an express lane.

I thought it was funny that there is an old, obscure law in Texas that says you can't shoot, it's illegal to shoot someone in the back, no matter what they did to you, your family, or your workplace, it's illegal. shoot them in the back, but apparently you can start shooting them in the leg until they turn around and then they just unload your gun, you know, I was born and raised in Texas. Cowboy, real cowboy. I was Bron rer for six years of my life and that has affected me now, when I have sex, my arm moves like that.

It seems to be a dispute between the My wife and I, regardless of whether or not I stay in those full 8 seconds, we got the timer and the doorbell and set it up right there in the bedroom and I taught her the meaning of the phrase most of the time. time would have been all the time. but she won't let me tie that rope around her waist anymore. She hates it when I encourage her to break out. Hey, you laugh, it's not easy to stay excited with a clown in a barrel in the corner of the room, is it, sir?

I am a married man, I have a beautiful son. My son's name is Marsh. I named it after an amplifier. I almost called him Peave. Come here, blah, punk, little one. My son is 5 years old. My son thinks 5 is a cool age because that's the coolest age he's ever reached and what he likes most about being 5 is that he's old enough to wear a seat belt, that's his biggest visible step toward manhood so far, in his eyes, he is trapped in the truck just like his dad and he thinks. That's cool and I think it's also cool because I drive a four-wheel drive truck and I learned this about four-wheel drive trucks.

It doesn't really matter how big the engine is or how big the tires are. Your Macho days are over. when you strap a car seat in front of that bad boy you just can't show it to your friends you know what I mean you can't make yourself go oh yeah it's got the Vortek V8 with 285 horsepower yeah that's it a man walking electric winch that will lift 28 tons out of a ditch yeah oh that's a play school car seat with a big bird attached to the steering wheel right there that's a bird in the flashing light Ernie on the windshield wiper, that's a big bird in the middle you can honk at it if you want, well, in two weeks I'll have the Cookie Monster folding mirror, they ordered it again.

They tried to give me the 98 folding mirror, just flip it forward. I want the best for my son, so married and rich. Woman, if you ever have a choice, why not? Actually, that's a lie. It's not rich at all. His parents are rich and they hate my G. I'm waiting for them to die and you'll know if they die too because you never will. look at my fat ass again I'll be in Palm Springs with my new friends pass me a beer Teddy servants Rich my in-laws have servants it's just that we thought when I married their daughter they would send you a servant along with us I know, help me do all the nonsense which they never taught him to do and I was wrong.

Now we rely on her domestic skills and she is skillful. She came back from doing a show the other night and she gets sweet. The dryer is broken. Did you check the dryer? lint filter honey, sit down honey, I'll check it, hope it's okay. There's something in there. There's a quilt there. Look, you made a cushion for the couch. You are a useful girl. Everything is an emergency for my wife because she never had to deal with it. with her own problem ruined and taken care of her whole life, there's no cure for that, you know what I mean.

I was in a land once she calls me, one night she misses me in the hotel room, they catch me in the lobby and I'm late. and they tell me that I have an emergency call from home. I run over 10 people in the lobby of a really nice hotel thinking maybe my in-laws call her and she tells me my dog ​​Sluggo just shit on the new carpet, shoot him. she says, that's like you, Ron, I have a genuine problem and you're being sarcastic, okay honey, I'm sorry, put the dog on the phone, I'll talk to him, what do you want me to do?

I, Georgia, can. Don't pick up the shit, put a paper towel on it. I'll be home in a week baby hey thanks so much you had a lot of fun man thanks fun bless your heart yeah anyway it's always a blast to come back this is a cool thing every time I come to Las Vegas and I know you guys pay a lot of money to see me in concert and every year I bring a close up with me and uh, a lot of your big stars have opening action. I've gotten to the point in my career where I can now hire a closer so I don't have to do it all the time uh the young man I picked this year has been on television two or three times uh he's been on uh am oh my Mahal, good morning Mo and good afternoon from Mo uh, if I were to list this gentleman's credits, the list would be longer than my height, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Jeff Foxworthy, thank you very much, thank you, how about one more hand for Ron White Come take a bow, Ron? Ron White, funny man, how's everyone? I'm also in a very good mood. My wife just won $1,500 at the ATM in the lobby, so she won't be returning to Las Vegas anytime soon. Las Vegas at Christmas time also puts you in that festive mood, doesn't it? Nothing brings out the true Christmas spirit more than watching old ladies in electric wheelchairs play three slot machines at once and that's what Christmas is all about. I love coming. rodeo week here I come rodeo week every year uh I'm a little addicted now I'm ordering those bull nanza tapes on TNN on Sunday nights.

I like the rodeo. I can imagine anyone standing on the back of 3,000 pound boogers. Throwing an animal to win a belt buckle can be redneck, so I love the crowds that come to Rodeo week. I have to share this story with you. This couple stopped me in the lobby yesterday and the guy said, "I know." "You've probably heard everything ever said about rednecks and in my mind I was thinking, well, maybe, but I like talking to people," he said, but we swore that if we ever ran into you, we were going to share this story with you, he said last Thanksgiving when We went to my wife's family's house, her brother had his nipple bitten by a beaver and I said: you have my attention, that's not one of those stories that you can walk away, at that point you almost have to say how that happened and So I said that and the guyhe told me he said well apparently he was driving down the road and a beaver ran in front of the car and he and his friend hit it with the car and in the conversation that followed they said they needed to get this thing and take it to the taxidermist because they didn't know anyone that she had a stuffed beaver in her house, so the guy climbed into the ditch and she said she grabbed the beaver by the tail and told him.

Her friend goes to see it, it's not even cut or bloody or anything and apparently nothing is the word that brings the beavers back to Consciousness and at that moment the animal staggered on her chest. I told them that that's probably the only time in history that the newspaper headline could include the words beaver and NPP and no one would be offended by it, so just when you think you've heard it all you haven't, oh, I want to thank, thank you people. here at the Hilton they have put me in the fanciest hotel room I have ever been in in my bathroom next to the toilet there is a phone with two lines you don't need to talk to anyone so bad I mean yes Really think about it it's kind of insult, it's like, hey George, yeah.

I was sitting here thinking about you and doing a little paperwork. I thought about calling you. Wait. I have someone on the other line. Somehow I can't imagine it. women use the phone next to the bathroom like this, you realize, I say women, not men, men have done it since the cordless phone was invented, some nights I can be talking to my brother on the phone, 15 minutes after the conversation , you hear it was a download. You've been in the bathroom the whole time we've been talking about mom, man, but in my family we're not the most sophisticated bunch on this planet.

That's always been my definition of redneck. You know, when I do interviews and people say. What do you mean when you say someone might be a redneck? My definition of redneck is a glorious lack of sophistication, that's all it is and it can be full or part time, but most of us here tonight are guilty of that at some point. time in our

live

s and no matter where you

live

in this country, no matter how much money you have, anyone can be a redneck because Elvis had a lot of money. I think someone has ever taken a tour of Graceland and ended up in the jungle. room and I thought, woo, you can't give cash to rednecks, oh we love the songs, but you shoulda left the rug on the floor, man, but if you accept that definition, a glorious lack of sophistication a while ago I read an article in the New Yorker magazine and the woman who wrote it complained that our country was suffering from a shortage of sophisticated people and I took that to mean that our country had a lot of people like me, my family and my friends. , so I really started thinking about the differences between sophisticated people and rednecks and let me tell you, there are a lot of them, like sophisticated people who invest their money in stock portfolios, while rednecks invest our money in commemorative license plates, yeah, those are the legends of the NASCAR series, probably our own.

Favorite Richard Petty hugging his mother. I can hardly watch without CR. There's Dell Erard. He hasn't been in a r. It's just a little prick on his forehead. I see the redneck who thinks mutual funds mean everyone is having a good time. He won the lottery for us. In Georgia, where I'm from, it's gotten to the point where it's a lot of fun when it first came out, people played it all the time, now people won't play it until one day it hits $80 or $90 million a year. last summer. I'm at the convenience store, there's a guy in front of me in line, he's got painter's pants covered in tar, he's got work boots covered in tar, he's got tar in his hair, he asks the clerk, wow, how much did it cost you? the lottery this week?, he said6 million he said oh hell just give me a Slurpee I guess 16 million couldn't make a dent in your Pinto payment there Rocco could this guy need some cash here sophisticated people go to auctions rednecks we go to sales garage sales and the difference is that at auctions the sale price is going up not in a garage sale not in a garage sale you have enough patience you can get a house full of furniture for $125 I also love garage sales my wife and I get up early on the weekend so you can beat other people at garage sales these people are getting rid of the junk they don't want out of their garage we're out there researching like we're going to find the Holy Grail excuse me, right? what is this?

Oh, those are Tupperware lids that have warped in the dishwasher are eight for ten cents. What are we going to do with the deformed covers? Liv. I'll give you five cents for them. We don't really want them, we just need some things. For the garage sale we're having next weekend, do you know what things I found sell best at garage sales? Brilliant things. I tell you, the older I get, the more convinced I am that rednecks are attracted to shiny objects. We should think about it. beer cans fishing lures ufos and if you really think about it most people who see ufos have been using fishing lures and holding beer cans so there's actually a connection there we like shiny things that's why we we stop in Hubcap City, hence the bass boats. have a shiny finish has anyone ever seen a yacht with a shiny finish no, but they put that boat under the sun.

Hell, we'll give them our life savings and whatever we don't spend on the boat we'll spend on takeaway accessories. Because that's something rednecks can do. We can customize a vehicle. Let's see that thing over there. Bobby. It's what they call a depth finder. Watch what it does and send an electronic pulse to the bottom of the lake. how deep are you to give it points look right now you and I are sailing at 3 feet look at this here you go three three two one well hell I could have stuck my leg over the side and saved you $700 well I know but a Sometimes you have I went to work and arrived alone at Fishing.

I see it that way. I know how deep it is. Sophisticated people play chess. Us rednecks can have hours of fun with a sheet of bubble wrap. Oh, for God's sake, Joe lets the kids play with him for a while. Being late for work Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations Rednecks We go to restaurants that require We drive up to the second window and hey, could you make them bigger fries for the little woman It's our anniversary? You see sophisticated people who want to hide their money while we rednecks like to show off ours, that's why we put everything we have in the front yard so the world knows how well we're doing and I've found that rednecks Those who have a lot of money actually buy things just for the garden like that. ceramic deer statues penniless rednecks walk by and get shot yeah it was harder than hell but we ate it Louise had to marinate that thing for six months it still tasted like cement I always felt like you couldn't talk about redneck unless that you were and I'm one of you know what growing up, I didn't even know that was what it was and looking back it was pretty obvious, totally true story, my whole life, our mailbox in front of our house had the letters m a l e painted. a couple of you a second or two about that when it's male and when I was in 11th grade I realized that it's not okay that M is supposed to be capitalized, is that a true story when I was in third grade?

The guy did it as a joke and no one understood it, redneck and he didn't even know it. People always ask me. They say: where do you get the material from? You can't think of material. You just write it down when it happens to two, two. great about what happened not long ago, the first time. I'm in my office one afternoon and I'm trying to put together a little bit and my oldest daughter walks in there and she's got two little Rich cookies and she's made some kind of sandwich. One of them she has a very loud voice, she walked in there and said, Dad, would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

I made one for you. I said, well, honey, that's so sweet, thank you, and I took it from her and blew it all up. in my mouth and I ate it and she was looking at me and she said did you like it and I said oh yeah that was really good, well she said do you want to know how I did it, maybe she said, well I have two crackers and then I bought some peanuts and I chewed them and spit them on one cookie and I bought some raisins and I chewed them and spit them on the other one do you want me to make you another peanut butter and jelly sandwich no, honey, I'm full as a tick, but I bet that your mom would like to have one and then it was out of stock a few weeks after that, my wife and mother-in-law ordered swimsuits in the mail.

You know, one of these mail orders and the swimsuits arrive. and they are trying them on my mother in law came out in a bathing suit and my youngest daughter looked at her and said gamma, you shouldn't draw on your legs with a blue magic marker, needless to say I had to mop I raised the milk I had been drinking because It was on the other side of the room, which is a pretty good distance across your nose. I mean, it's a shot right there that's going to hurt for a while, but I love the way kids think.

Children are now much smarter than ever. Isn't it funny that my oldest daughter, on her fifth birthday, asked for and got a 5 year old computer. She gets a computer and can use it right out of the box. A 5 year old computer. Remember what we have. when we turned five, the little wooden paddle with the elastic band and the red ball on the end that was a brain. Builder, wasn't it one two, three, one, two, three? 4, you played with it about four times, the rubber band would break the the ball would fly across the room it would break something and you would get beat up with the paddle no wonder we ended up like this oh and no way you can't even give it a shot spank your kids you don't have to give them any time off and my dad would take some time off from his busy day to spank our butts my dad could touch his belt buckle we would throw ourselves through a plate glass window come on I was just joking with you come back to the house it's cold come on it's cold and you know something else there are a lot of people here tonight who are proud to be part of the last generation or two that got spanked like that you can bet we got spanked every day of our lives and we were grateful to receive them too, we got up in the morning. get a spanking we walked 40k to school in the snow get another walk back home get a spanking and we went to bed and were grateful to have that Christmas time we didn't get toys three kids shared a spanking in a stocking that's all what we got all year, a penny and an orange, that was it, but there are a lot of things that have changed for children in just a generation or two.

A while ago I was doing something for HBO and they asked me. kind of more serious questions and one of them said what is your first memory in life and I thought about it and said: you know, I remember being I don't know three years old and I was standing in the front seat of the car with my dad and every time I turned the corner. corner made the sound of screeching tires, you know, my dad stopped tightening my tires, I suddenly realized what I was doing standing in the front seat of the car, I see in those days the kids weren't very good at passing through the windshield. with the rest of the family.

I can't leave my driveway without my kids being in car seats with shoulder straps and safety adjustments. Sir, we sent John. Glenn to outer space the first time using a rope belt Jethro Bodine seat belts we were lucky to be in the seats I remember one time traveling to Florida lying on the back window of the car the people behind us going Harold is that one from Those Dogs That They sway now, that's a skinny kid with a big head, that's all that, yeah, my dad would slam on the brakes, we bounce around the car like a game of pinball and end up face up in a full L tray because that was before secondhand.

Smoke also remember that in winter we have all the car windows rolled up my parents smoke as if it were a contest our car looks like the chiching Chong mobile I'll tell you something else that has changed with children is that they are pets to tell this little one a story about three or four weeks ago my daughters got a little

white

hamster named Herman and Herman's hair started falling out a lot and then my wife says to me honey, it's time for us to take Herman to the vet and I told her that baby Herman cost five dollars , maybe it's time for Herman to let loose in the woods.

Free barn and she got mad at me. I said honey, let me tell you something when I was a kid, there was no chance I was going to have a $5 pet, I went to the vet. I told him, you know what happened to our pets, they ran away. I remember one time my brother and I brought home this little dog and that dog barked all night the first three nights we had him and on the fourth day he ran away. a cat that started scratching my reclinerDad, she ran away. I remember having a goldfish that got away, but my wife was adamant and she said no.

Herman is our pet and he is our responsibility. I took him to the vet and she made him $65 later. Herman's hair is still bad Herman looks like Edgar Witer in Propecia and I said honey, $65, we could have gotten 13 hamsters for $65. I said that when your medical

bill

s are 13 times what you're worth, you were either really really sick or really cheap. That's what I said, honey, let's talk about this in other terms. I said, let's say you took your grandmother to the doctor and they told you it would take $23 million to cure her. I said there's a good chance we'll take the kids downstairs. right now and say girl, sit down, we have bad news, mimal has run away, I don't mean it, no, I don't mean it, 23 million dollars, a lot of money, oh, I love these kids, man, I love you love too, but they are. smart and they had to get their mom's brain, they didn't get it from me.

I turned 41 a couple of months ago. I used to think that when I was a kid I thought that people who were 40 years old had some kind of a. wisdom about them no, I'm dumb as a brick there are so many things I don't know I thought I would know at this point in life I don't even know this is what I don't know I don't know how they know how long the rope should be for the first bungee jump in a new place, okay Eddie, let him jump, okay Edy, shorten it a little, hey and give his girlfriend a free t-shirt.

I still don't know who closes. the door when the bus driver gets off someone is going to lose some sleep tonight aren't you the one who closes the door when I still don't know how come cats never throw up during the day no cat waits until you're lying in bed almost asleep and from somewhere in your house you hear me reminding me that I put on my slippers in the morning oh and you do want to put on my slippers because you discover that with your Barefoot you don't need coffee you're awake and looking for a cat oh and my poor wife has to clean it every time and it's not that I haven't tried, I really have, it's that every time I approach I make the same noise that the cat makes, I still don't know how it is that my daughters only take their dresses over their heads when I introduce them to someone important to me girls, can you say hello to Reverend Leonard hello hello what do you think of those panties from Beauty in the Beast rev they are very cute I'm wearing the Lion King I still don't know how? my belly button is removing all that fabric from my shirt have you ever studied your Naval that has no fingers it has no hands but at the end of the day it holds a cotton ball I think it has small teeth and works like that packman wle wle wle wle wle I'm convinced that if you wore the same shirt long enough it would have a hole right there.

I still don't know what the appropriate amount is for a urine sample, why don't they put a line? in that cup every time I go to the doctor I'm in the bathroom for 20 or 30 minutes arguing with myself no, I bet it's too much, I put that out there and people are going to start laughing no, I'm pouring a little bit of that back uh-oh oh I bet they need more than that, I better top that off and you never feel sure what you're drinking because either you bring them the cup that has four or five drops in the bottom or the other one That looks like a cold, ice cold beer .

He gives me the first rounds of checkers. If you want another one, I'll be in my underwear sitting at the table with a piece of paper. I have so many things I don't know. So there are some things I do. I know I didn't want to know that you ever listen to AM radio at night and they play those commercials for that Goldbond medicinal powder. Do you know what I am? Where people write testimonial letters. Dear Goldbond, He had a rash on his butt. that was so severe I'd scratch it with a screwdriver until BL oh I don't need to know that, find me some music before I wreck this car, there's a lot of things we don't need to know, look that's why they have terms.

I like girl problems, that's all you need to know. I'm like female problems. You're talking to me about the discharge, you better talk about the army and it better be honorable. Very few things. I know. I know I have been tremendously. blessed in this life and one of the most important ways 15 years ago I met this amazing girl and I had to work up the guts to go say hello to her now that we have been married for 14 years and 14 is not 14 is not a big anniversary like 25 or 50, but you know we've gotten to the point where you start to think you know we could make it because really during the first few years of marriage you're only two or three beers away from ruining everything.

Hey, listen to something else I don't like about your mother, come here. I'll tell you what I don't like about her, but I thought a lot about marriage and I'll tell you almost everything you do in your life. The life of being married is one of the strangest because nothing prepares you for it. You don't take classes on how to be married. You don't read books about how to be married. It is on-the-job training and, like any job, you learn. as you go along, you're going to make a mistake now, hopefully, you won't make such a bad mistake and I'll give you an example of something really bad when I was watching one of those shows, it was 2020 or Dateline, one of those things and and they did this , he said, the story emerged of a man who was married for 23 years to someone he thought was a woman only to recently discover it was actually another man when we returned, this gentleman talks about his mistake.

I sit there thinking about the mistake. we've all made mistakes you forget to rewind the tape before taking it back to the video store that's a mistake but I'm sorry you're married for 23 years to someone you think is a woman and ends up being a man you've gotten over your past mistake, you've crashed head-on into a fauxie and it wasn't like it was a week or two, it was 23 years, 23 years, it seems to me there would have been a couple of clues along the way. Hi Carol, you need to do it. let the hem of that skirt you're showing off, that's a clue that all is not well in the Kingdom, that would be a clue right there, if you're wearing the same Underpants drawer, that would be a clue, so Fortunately I have avoided the big mistakes and I made a lot of small mistakes, but learn from them, that's the only thing you can do, learn from your mistakes, as I knew when we first got together and my wife used to come up to me and she told me to say we need to talk I used to make the mistake of talking and every time I talked I got into more and more trouble now I have learned that when she says we need to talk I do exactly the same thing I do when a police officer approaches to my car window.

I look ahead. I give short yes and no answers until I find out what they're accusing me of. Well, there's no point in pleading guilty to a crime you don't know about yet. that's the worst thing when you're in trouble and you don't know why and we've all done that you follow your spouse or your partner around the house like what I do you know what you did and you start running that mental Rolodex and you can think of about 20 Possible things that could be, but you're afraid to put one out because it might not be what you did, that happened to my friend not long ago, I called him on the phone, you know?

You can tell when your friends are arguing just by the way they answer the phone. He said, "Hey, like, hey man, what's going on?", "We're having a fight." Oh seriously, what's going on? I don't know, she won't say. I've been locked in the hallway bathroom since Thursday what's going on out there who's winning the game man what's going on and I have some advice for any guy here tonight who's thinking about getting married don't get too attached to any piece of furniture that might Currently I have because friend, he will be leaving the week after we get married, my wife walked around the house talking to my furniture like a stewardess at the end of a flight, bye, bye, bye, thanks for coming, bye, see you at the dump, see you.

In the trash can, honey, it's a coffee table combination, cooler look, lift the lid. It's been in my family for almost 2 years, but because she created this beautiful house as the man of the house, I always feel like it's my obligation to protect the place, you know, that's silly with men, but we always have We protect our things, even when they are not worth protecting. I paint on a lot of glass, but that's what men have to protect our things and, believe me, I'm not saying women can't protect themselves. I know you can't, in fact you'd probably rather deal with me than my wife because you walk into my house I'll shoot you my wife will shoot you and then spend 30 minutes telling you why she shot you.

I shot you for entering through the window after dark. You know you should get a job like the rest of us. I got up at 6 o'clock this morning, I had to prepare lunch for the kids and I had to take them to school, then go to work myself, then at lunch I had to renew my driver's seat and then, after from work, I had to stop by. Then go to the supermarket and buy a birthday present for my niece. So if you listen to me, if you bleed on my carpet, I'll shoot you again, but I'll tell you this about my wife, she's safe enough.

In her masculinity, if there is a noise in our house in the middle of the night, she still lets me go see it. Look, in this era of sexual equality, that's a job that's still on a man's plate, not very often you'll see. The boys run down the stairs to see what that noise was. Hey, and bring me a piece of chicken. Have I told you that lately? You're as pretty as Greg Maddox, guys, you really are now. If there is a noise in our house in the middle of the night, it is. Me checking him out in my underwear carrying a baseball bat because that's the official uniform for suspicious noises Underpants and a baseball bat I don't know what we expect to find some guy in the room in his underwear with a ball well I have to get out of here.

I've used up all my time, but I want to thank you all for coming and thank you for allowing me to do this for a living, you know when I was. when I was doing the comedy and then, and then NBC invited us not to come back for the fall show a couple of years ago, you know, when I was doing the comedy I found out that they were long days, they were like 15 to 16 hours. days and I never got to see my family enough and I never got to do this and with my family I love doing this more than anything in the world and I would never have forgotten it if it wasn't for you. "All I'd have to get is a job and I don't want a job, so thank you for putting shoes on my little kids and having a good time while you're here.

Have a safe trip home, wherever you keep making fun of." From you, honey, I'm not laughing, I'm laughing, there's not much research in my material, but have a safe trip home, wherever that may be, and hopefully we'll see each other somewhere again down the road, huh . I guess it wouldn't be fair to leave here without doing a way or two to find out. Hey, you might be a redneck, so if you have a whole set of salad bowls and they all say fresh whip on the side, you might be one. a red collar if you take your dog for a walk you both use the tree on the corner you might be a redneck if the biggest city you've been to is Walmart you might be a redneck if your panty lines can be seen from the air photographs, you might be a redneck if you're working, the television is on top of your TV that doesn't work, you have a little finger pointing at that one, okay, if the most common phrase heard in your house is someone take away your man, you could be a redneck.

If you've ever been accused of lying through your teeth, you might be a redneck. If you think a 401k is your mother-in-law's BR size, you might be a redneck. If your dog passes gas and you complain about it, you might be a redneck. If you've ever used your profit board as a buffet table, by the way, you got that one in Louisiana. If your wife ever told you, "Come move this transmission so she can give me a bath," you might be a redneck if your neighbors think you're a redneck. detective because a cop always gives you a ride home you could be a redneck if you thought a quarter horse was that walk in front of Kmart you could be a redneck if you missed high school graduation because you had to serve on jury you could be a redneck if You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour You might be a redneck if your honeymoon appeared in real highway patrol stories You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth and you take them out see what it is, you might be a redneck if you wear a strapless dress with a bra that isn't, you might be a redneck if you've ever looked at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate, you might be a redneck if you've ever looked at a beaver he has bitten your nipple, rest assured God bless you, take care, see you next time, good night everyone, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Jeff Foxworthy, this guy is incredibly funny, you know him. By the way, I also have a Christmas album Here's your Christmas sign, you know it Here's your sign, ladies and gentlemen Bill Ingal Hello, Las Vegas, well, how are you? It would be better, I would be a twin, that's how good I am. I've been away. there and playing a little game, you know, I love the game, I've been playing that new game,Damn you played that one, oh that's cool, you put in a quarter, damn the bar scene is different now, man look I'm from Texas, we got Texans here tonight, yeah look.

I'm used to the bar life in Texas, you know, a little drinking, dancing, fighting, it's a good night, so I go to this bar in Los Angeles. I'm sitting there just looking at the guy from the Los Angeles baseball game who sits next to me and says, "Hey, man." Like baseball, I said I love baseball, he said, did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he would have been the greatest player of all time? I'm going to argue that point, so I sat there for a moment and said, you know? that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah the Catholics who have beer and hot dogs that common union is gone then I'm going to go to this bar one night in The man they are dragging this fallen man they lifted him by the arms you I know and he staggers a little bit, but he's awake, which I showed you my criteria and went to the BART.

I asked him what's the problem with that guy. Man, he said, well, here in California, he said if you're drunk and awake, we have to call you a cab. I said, man, in Texas, you're drunk awake, they call you the designated driver, we have self-serve liquor stores, man, we don't even have to get off the truck, it's Margarit, I appreciate that. I am a father, I have two lovely children. You have a teenage daughter 13 year old man Someone has a teenage daughter Do you still have this look? God, you just want to beat it out of her because this look says you're the dumbest thing on this planet and I'm thinking you.

You better be looking at the dog god, she's growing up, man, she bought her first bra, she's 13, I didn't know that, I get home from the road, I'm helping my wife get dressed, I pick up this flimsy little bra and I like hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I know this is not yours or mine. My wife was very proud she said no, she bought her first brother. I'm not 13 years old. Women should have breasts at 21. Just happy birthday. They are there because all of Dave's girls know what I'm talking about, they were the first. bra, everything takes on a whole new meaning now, so the other day a guy said something so innocent to me and I freaked out at this guy and he said, "you have a really pretty daughter" and I said, "hey, what does that mean?" that?", "pretty, what are you?" Looking at you is kind of psycho and my wife is like sweetheart.

The preacher was just saying that she is growing and I can't stop it. There is no pill she can give him. I can't disconnect it. There's nothing, man. She came from a ski. trip this year and we picked her up at the airport and we were in the truck, it's me, my daughter and my wife, and they started talking about her period and I told them, hey, you're not alone in this truck and they're not Don't shut up , my daughter is like mom, you didn't tell me that the ALU was leaving. I became one of those Iraqi women.

I'm going to crash this truck into a bridge. I swear to God, parents don't want to know this. man it's like the Martians we know they exist we just don't need to hear about them so I'm at my son's baseball practice my cell phone rings it's my wife she's going you gotta stop at the pharmacy on the way to home and choose. your daughter, grab some notebooks, notebooks like notebooks to write in, oh no, no, no, oh, and no, honey, please, God, I will do it, I will nail the toilet seat, please don't make me do this , she goes, I can't escape, just do it.

They sure are narrow. What is that narrow? Can't you use one of yours and fold it in half? So now I have to take my 8-year-old son, who every five minutes says: What are we looking for for dad? I'm like shut up, so I go to this pharmacy, I go to this woman I don't know and I'm like hey, um, do you have any girls, tight panties and she's like, you're her father, no, me? I'm just a street psycho with that kind of time on my hands. I go, yes, I'm her father, she says, we're in aisle 17, I'm going to Island 17, there's like 5,000 of these things, none of them say narrow.

I'm talking on the phone my wife says honey please let me come home no, there are no tights this one has butterflies this one plays a little tune who finds it my 8 year old son who proceeds to scream here is the girl tight pants, dad, I appreciate That guy, listen, I don't think they heard you in Scotland. I bought 1,700 just so I would never have to do this again. She's getting her own Taste Of Music from her, which I think is cool. She didn't even push my daughter with music. Although it's better, you know I like my music, she has her music, but you know, one day I'm on a trip, I call home, I talk to my little girl, I told her, hey baby, I'm on a trip, I'll pick you up something.

We were going to pick up, she was going to pick up some naked women, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell your mom it's a group. I didn't know, so I went to a record store and there was a kid behind the counter who had a ring in his eyebrow, one in his nose, a bar in his lip, one on his tongue, and he can't understand why I can't look at him. the eyes. I look like a dog, I hear a high pitched sound, man. Only he says: What are you looking at? and me: What do you think?

I'm looking at what you run into with a nail gun. I may not always warn the Hipp about the things of the world, but when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory and ladies, I can understand the earrings thing, I think it's cool, but guys, what were you fucking around one day in art class with a stapler? Oh God, oh oh yes, oh. It's happening from time to time I read in the newspaper that some kids are starting to escape from private property what thought process led you to that decision what in this world were you drinking that made you go to the bathroom stand at the urinal you look down you know what looks good there 10 cent nail my son is great you know it's he makes me laugh the problem is my son makes me laugh at things I'm not supposed to laugh at you know because I'm the father like if I took him to a Laker game this year and I know it was great for my son and I at the Laker game, you know, we're having a great time.

I'm holding the Cokes and the popcorn and there was a moment on the field and the Laker girls came running out and they were jumping and my 8 year old son. son says, yes, shake that little thing, wow, shake that little thing. I got Coke out of my nose and it was a strange position to be in because on the one hand I was proud, but on the other hand I'm thinking God wasn't. Never tell your mom that, because she'll know where you got it from that she had been playing baseball with her friends. I guess he slipped and scraped a little strawberry on his butt and came into the house and was complaining about it.

Go D go gra go gra go SC and my wife said, well, go to your room, take off your pants and I'll go over there and rub some ointment on you. I'm there talking to him. My wife rubs ointment on his butt. and he farts, I'm laughing and my wife says Travis and he turns to his mom and says mom, hats off to the chef, we had a little problem there, uh, I took my family camping last year, how great idea, I thought. I'm GNA and I take my family camping because I remember how much fun camping was when I was a kid.

You know why it was fun when you were a kid. Because you didn't have to prepare anything. Now he is the father. I am the pack. the mule that brings it and the donkey that takes it out of there but I'm going to take my family camping because I remember when I was a kid with my dad camping and we would sit around the campfire and he would tell me Those great old camping rhymes, Some of you remember them, they taste like the red sky at night, the sailor's delight when there is rain in your mouth from the south, if the bird is upside down, you are drunk and on the ground, that is what I remember, like this that Go to Walmart because we don't have equipment and now I know why they camp because they have multi-use items.

Now remember what we had when we were kids. We had that 7 by 15 tent in the box that said it sleeps eight comfortably. Yes, if you are calm. so I went there and was fascinated. I saw they had an article. Now it is a radio stove with a flashlight. That's brilliant. If you're lost, you can improvise and prepare something to eat. I saw another multi-purpose item. a burger flipper, FL water, but the only item that caught my attention to the point that I bought this product because everyone is green minded now that they have developed a product called quick dissolving toilet paper.

I was thinking exactly what you're thinking, how quickly. We are talking? I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the bush. Okay, if it's dark, I can't see what's going on down there. I have to know that the toilet paper will be there to finish the job. Not sitting on a log somewhere in the woods and listening to the Mission Impossible theme song again, so we'll go to camp the night before. Well, I'm watching TV with my kids, we're watching this guy, the crocodile. hunter, have you seen this guy? What planet did he come down from?

This guy approaches a cobra like this and then says. This snake is beautiful. Hey, that snake is poisonous and it's always jumping on the crocodiles' backs and covering their eyes with its hands. okay until the crocodile guesses who you are this is how you sedate a crocodile no sir a bullet is how you sedate a crocodile so you're talking to this couple from Australia who found a snake in their bathroom oh my god a snake just just just for a second think about how many times you've walked into the bathroom and you don't look down because you know there's going to be water there, they found a snake in their bathroom, my friend says was it a poisonous snake?

Who cares? There's a snake in my bathroom. It's not supposed to be there. Why does it always have to be like a snake or an alligator? Why can't it be useful as a garbage eating carp or something? Those are nightmares for me. so we go camping and we get everything ready, we get to, you know, we have dinner and it's dark and I have to go to the bathroom, so I grabbed my quick-dissolving toilet and headed to the camp bathroom, now I don't know if you've ever Been in a camp bathroom, but they are disgusting. You know there are bugs. 24 hours a day, they have that five-watt light bulb that illuminates nothing.

Just shadows moving across the ground. I went into the cubicle and sat down. I didn't notice the small crack in the toilet seat so when I sat down the crack opened up and when I leaned back in pSM there was a snake in the toilet. I got out of there. star as frankco haris man boom I'm trying to run but I got tackled immediately because my pants are around my ankles so now I'm crawling on this creep like an eight year old girl oh my god oh my god I'm coming I put on these three pairs of shoes and I look up and these three guys are like, what the hell are you doing?

And I'm like, there's a snake, they go to the bathroom and this guy goes. I saw it on TV last night, so we're not going camping anymore. Well, some. Maybe you all know that one of my pet peeves in life is that I hate stupid people, they should have to wear signs and just say I'm stupid like that, you wouldn't trust them if I had some new ones man. for 3 days we have had a concrete truck, uh, on the porch, placed in the back of our house, for three days there has been a concrete truck parked in my front yard.

My neighbor comes up there that day and says, Hey, Bill, you're pouring concrete. I told him no. You're just making big Margaritas. Here is your poster. I'm on a direct flight from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, no stops, the guy sitting next to me says, he's going to Las Vegas, no problem, although I'll be skydiving for about an hour. Here's your sign this is the same guy sitting in the window seat we're at 37,000 feet we had some turbulence and the plane crashed a little bit he opened the blinds and looked out the window what are you going to see aren't you going to hear the phrase oh Oh my god, we just hit a dog at 37,000 feet.

I found out that no one is immune from here, it's your sign, not even me. I was leaving the mall the other day a guy parked right next to me standing with a hanger in his window and I couldn't stop I said you like keys in your car he yelled and said not only did I wash it he was going to hang it up so it could be dry Here's your sign, but the best one was on the in La I got stuck behind a big truck that got its trailer stuck under an overpass and the traffic was backing up and I was standing on the side of the road talking to the trucker and the highway patrolman stopped and looked at this guy's truck and looked at the trucker and I'm thinking he can't say it, he's a paid official and he says, "Your truck is stuck and God bless this trucker without missing a beat, he says no "I was delivering that overpass.

I ran out of gas. Here's your sign. God bless you." enjoy martina goodbye w