Roast of Jim Norton: Patrice O'Neal, Greg Giraldo & Others - Part 2 (2004) | Comedy Anatomy

person, but Greg, I realized that applies to you. I don't know you very well but it seems like your career has been like looking like bowling you keep dropping the ball vanessa how brave the little wrong shoulder if you get a boat take off ross will be there if any of you want to know what it's like to just have kids write a few jokes for vanessa it's exciting and heartbreaking you write a good joke you have all the hope in the world for it and then she shows up like a drunk driver on main night and kills him my good friend lori kilmartin you know i've known lori for 15 years She made it big in a tough, cutthroat male-dominated business, yes, and on top of everything us other comedians have to go through, she's had to suffer the unwanted advances of countless comedians, including me, this woman has taken down more comics that Phil Hartman's wife.

You know, technically, that joke was fine, technically Craig, you're stuttering, have another drink and start a fight, okay, oh wait, but lori kilmartin, rory kilmartin knocked down a comic, so. Phil Hartman's wife shot. You know something, now we understand why you don't practice law because you take the facts too seriously. Just shut up. I'm surprised, I'm surprised that everyone has been talking about Lori's big tits, but no one has mentioned it. her giant you may have seen lori in the return of the king she played the crack of fate lori's gynecologist compares giving her a pelvic exam to searching in a dark closet and trying to find your coat what's the difference eight what's the difference between lori hunt and holland tunnel horn tunnel won't let you in the ass know a little about funny jokes between friends you know i would never have told jokes like these before i met jim

norton

jim has taught me a lot

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lesson choose those weaker than you because they are easier to hurt when I met Jim we bonded but that's what happens if you go to bed and go to bed before you clean up everything I knew when we first held hands , you were destined for stardom, I told myself. with these wet little hands i bet you can hit an agent without any lubricant you have an undeniable star quality a sparkle in your eyes which i have since discovered is urine jim newey was different at a very young age his mother would say when you Dad comes home, Will hits the fan and Jim gets a boner in the basement and the cat Jim's idea of ​​a roofer is to slip X-lac into his date's drake, but I don't, uh, I don't want to do it. a lot of old jokes about eating shit, you know, like what does jim

norton

read when he's in the bathroom, a cookbook, i'm not going to make jokes like that, what does norton do when his date has diarrhea, he gets a little, I won't make jokes like that, they are beneath me, this man is a gentleman, he always lets his dates order first and then tells the waiter, I'll eat what she doesn't have now, Jim, I just realized that when tonight is over, you will have been on stage for almost three hours this will be the longest you have gone without coming since you hired a constipated prostitute they know how good it counts and that's all that matters my love for it Dark is actually deeply personal.

I look at Jim with his unshaven head and frankly, he reminds me of my beloved late wife during the last days of her battle with cancer. That's right, she wouldn't suck my cock either. God forbid something horrible happened to Jim. I think we would all react the same way as if it were a car. We beat our dog, threw it in the dumpster and got another one. I'd like to say it's been an honor to

roast

Jim Norton. I'd like to say it, but that would be a lie. Why should I lie to them? I'd like to say that I've never been shit to a cop.

I think we all have things we would like to say. I'm sure Vanessa would like to say that she chose her material a little more carefully. Rich would like to say that he asked. to her dentist to make her look like a human being. Jim Florentine would like to say that she understood the concept of giving a nuanced performance. Greg would like to say that his failed pilots were not being used as teaching materials at the Betty Ford clinic. Lori would like to say that her Trunk had no more mias than Vietnam and Nick would like to say that he was born 50 years earlier so he wouldn't have to look over his shoulder before telling a joke, come to think of it, that applies to all of us.

I guess things in castles, how do you know what that is? How do you know where that place is? Because you told me you were taking them there. Why are you trying to pack this? So you're being like, oh, you did it, why should I? I said something else, okay, next time I get on stage, everyone's good friend, Trace O'Neal, wow, I have a lot of strangers that attacked me, like Bob Levy, I don't even know this man and he attacked me . me and that's what's happening i'm sitting there saying i'm not going to write for bobby you're bob bobby you know what i'm saying or laurie kilmartin's dumb ass i don't want laurie kilmartin you and you're laughing at me, this skeleton face, She look, looks like she opened the lost ark too soon, yeah, kiss my ass, Ben Bailey, my man, I'm going to go in order of who they are, you don't know who they are.

You almost know they'll like him so Ben, we call this Lurch, but except he's not as funny as Lurch, he's the man with a thousand jokes, no, wait a minute, he's the man with a joke that lasts a thousand minutes. You know him, he takes a lot of time telling his jokes, there are a lot of internal fools, how's that? I didn't even have a 10 minute conversation with Ben being shot in the head and the only reason I found out was because he was being shot in the head because I won't have a drink for 10 minutes.

Ross turns. I want to slap him because he looks like Larry from the Three Stooges. Ross is below average. Joe. How about Ross get a haircut every week? He gets a new name every week. He is trying to find himself. I'll help you find yourself ross, it's a place where people aren't funny

greg

geraldo he writes everything down, even his emotions, he looks like a Puerto Rican frankenstein he has the improv skills of the guy from slingblade, I thought, oh y'all, no , colin. quinn i bought one of those those books those book tapes read by colin quinn colin quinn read the bible it took me three minutes jesus easter vanessa hollingshead if you've never seen this congratulations because she sucks i see vanessa's act like i see the sun jesus christ vanessa has a lot passion you know how his jokes have pissed off so many jews i'm surprised pontius pilate didn't have this killed that was jesus bringing him back jim norton jim norton someone asked the girl what it was like to massage jim and she said she once you separate two egg whites the wall is like that but it's stickier jim you're loved jim has the texture of chalk skin from a crime scene it looks like a fresh autopsy no one looked like someone had taken it out of the oven too soon the chest norton had so much urine they used him as a bladder transplant he looks like a newborn dolphin jim jim is open to so many different people his nickname should be little sesame ed mcmahon

2004

you're a mate it's your own name that's mate more people than mr.

Ty's beauty looks like the fish, he is the fish that sticks to the back of the sharks. Norton should change his last name to when, when will he be back, oh, this is, I don't even know what I'm going to say. oh, this last one, Norton was born like a pimple, well, look, it's okay, I have to go, I wish I had more, I love you, jimmy,

patrice

o'neill,

patrice

o'neill, which will conclude our colored

part

of the show tonight. What is this guy writing here? I know you're not writing those jokes he just made. Are you taking notes for What Are You Checkers Opener?

What do you think your nose was? You knew the boss was going to have to work with the crowd eventually it was necessary. More than I thought, I have a car, I'm just trying to keep this together, okay, it's a group of good friends having a good time, you know what I'm saying, it's all hanging here and we're all going to have to comfort Vanessa, no, no, next year. our next announcement will hit the stage. uh, you might recognize him if you were in the lobby tonight. Big props to Penn Valley. Wow, it's great to be here.

Go yourself, your air conditioning technician. You know, Ben, that's not a nice thing. "It's a good thing to say at Winter Mountain. It's not a good thing at all. You could relax comfortably in one of Lori Kilmartin's giant hands. I have to say, it's really cool to be here tonight alongside some of New Jersey's best comedians. Unfortunately not could". I can't make it tonight he's busy he's at the opening of the stretch factory for eric mcmahon and don jameson who are leading the calls this week vinnie does an hour and then eric and don do 10 minutes each i really hope This is good, I would hate to have it. four people reading about a bad set on the cringe humor website.

I remember the last

roast

when Keith Robinson's head was handed to him on a silver platter and I sat there wondering if it was the same silver platter that Mike Berbiglia's race had been handed to him on. I didn't really come up with anything for Bob Levy because who the hell is Bob? It's true, it's true, I know who Bob Levy is. I have to be careful with what I say. He books some of the best firehouse gigs in Monmouth County, which he brings to me. to jim florentine last year jim made a name for himself doing the voice of a puppet now he gets upset when that's what the audience wants to hear when it's a show stop complaining and do the voice you think they came to hear your jokes and I came to see the puppet, not the doll, yes, yes, you have made a career, save your money.

No one was sadder when Manny Gorman passed away this year than Vanessa Hollings after all those years of being sure she had married the right club owner. Oh, I will. you match these roads nick apollo vanessa did you and ross bennett write for each other this time? I can picture the meeting of the mines right now you and your newly fixed norton stinks boxer shorts come on ross help me with the lyrics to my jim norton rap song and ross sitting there with the curlers in his hair saying damn woman , leave me alone, can't you see I'm busy eating shawarma and ice cream?

Guys, you should be careful working so close that you can mix up your axe. accidentally and becomes a lobel. I have no doubt that Ross Bennett will go down in history as one of the greatest artists in his history. He will be on the list right after Bozo. Did you just say on his feet? I did not say. Field, stop drinking, you said feet, lanky, weird, weird looking, John Kerry, monster, you said feet, I think after tonight you should never allow yourself to complain about Patrice interrupting you again, no, but you didn't understand what I just said, no, but I think maybe you need to. shut up, no, but honestly, honestly you said there's something funny to say about your horrible married life, no, no, because you really say that, unless you're used to hearing at this point, you said, uh god, your fake energy It's exciting if you brought her. to your act it would help but you said and you said you said oh man this is like living in geraldine oh you said feet you need to go sit with laverne and shirley don't say feet you said feet calm down horrible Did you just say what if I had said feet?

I'm sure Greg would point out the wrestling match here. I can't finish my spending clown jokes. I think I actually have the word nourish here. Is it okay if I continue? Yes Pete is. what you meant well, I was good, go ahead, ben, I'm listening, she's feeling defeated, I'm sweating like Nick Apollo at a clan meeting, why would I be sweating, he'd be leading, he's a nick, I was just awake. In Aspen last week I really think you'd love to be there. I was there for five days and I only saw one black person and it was Chris Rock.

You should really think about moving there. You can say whatever you want, you never have to. Worry about being heard, maybe if you stayed long enough you could train yourself to speak out of the front of your mouth again. I say it all right there, Greg, have I made up any words that you want to correct? Idiot lawyer Bobby Kelly couldn't be here tonight. Bobby Kelley is the only guy I know who shaved his head and made it look fatter. He really wishes he would stop pretending that he looks good and keep that hat on until he grows it back.

He finally found something that makes that stupid kangal taxi look like this. an improved bobby shaved his head hoping it would have the same effect on his career as it had for jim north clearly forgot about mike d nicole bobby now looks like jesse ventura without the body and mind colin quinn first that nothing colin I would just like to say that I think the show is really great, but that doesn't change the fact that your head is too big for your body or for any parent, man or beast, your head is so big that Todd Berry could reasonably point it out and laugh.

I could play a perfect game blindfolded and wearing that Bruno Kirby head if it weren't so crooked.I wish you would get fat again so your head and body would be proportional or maybe you could just cut it off and put it on

greg

geraldo's new middle aged dad body what happened to you? You used to come rolling to the clubs on your motorcycle like Lorenzo Llamas in Renegade, your horrendous mullet hair flying in the wind, shirtless and in an open vest. the goatee the earrings strutting around like a guy with a canceled show now you move like Al Bundy on a bad day you complain about married life and being a dad pull yourself together man I said feet I don't think so I'd like to Thanks though for helping me decide to never have children and talk about unwanted children.

Patrice O'Neill is here tonight. Patrice. I saw you out front before the show in your new truck. Let me ask you something: did you buy it or did they build it? Patrice hasn't been around you much lately. He has been playing a transvestite bouncer or bouncer in several box office flops. I guess now maybe he's making enough money to stay home and eat all day, every day. It's a little strange not having it. you're close, although I mean there's no one who's going to do 20 extra minutes and leave the audience angry. There is no one to occupy half the booth in the basement alone.

There is no one there to bully everyone to cover up their own insecurities. Please come. Come back so you don't have to keep putting up with Todd Lin trying to fill his big fat basketball shoes. Why does he have basketball shoes anyway? Do they provide extra support while he sits? Your fat butt all day. Do they keep you from spraining an ankle while slowly walking from the couch to the refrigerator? You shouldn't spend your money on basketball shoes. You should hire someone to feed you and clean your habitat so that you can live comfortably. the rest of the hippos, the image of the giant hippo teeth clearly takes me to the rich vaults, rich boss, you told me you did the last comic last year and that tripled your money along the way and then you told me how much you were making , which allowed me to divide by three and find out exactly how stupid you are.

You also told me once that there was no one better than you at collective work. Wow, I was impressed sitting there with the self-proclaimed king of not writing or acting anyway. I can't believe, I can't believe you played Lenny Bruce on American Dreams, if Lenny Bruce had been alive to see that he would have committed suicide with heroin. You know, it's a good impression when two of the characters on the show come in and see, look, it's Lenny Bruce so the audience knows who he's supposed to be, maybe instead of seeing Dustin Hoffman playing Lenny Bruce to prepare for the role, you should have seen Lenny Bruce Pygmy.

Hi Jim, I was hoping you would forget me. I have a little, I have some little things here, Jim Norton, you atrocious, putrid moron, I think this is similar to something that could have been said. I recently realized that the reason you keep your head shaved is to avoid hurting colin while you slowly slide. in and out, whatever the ball sounds like, let me be the first to congratulate you on graduating from Tom Papa's career advancement school. I know I said trailer and you look like a prisoner in a silent movie painting that scream painting could have.

I was inspired by you looking in the mirror in the past, Mr. Norton. He has clearly been accused of stealing Don Rickles' personality. He should have also stolen the jokes from him. Moron. I once heard him argue that he had never seen Don Rickles perform, but yes. That's true, so how can you be so sure that Lisa Lampanelli stole it? I can't wait for the day when you accidentally call someone a hockey puck, a huge, chinless baby. I remember a few years ago you were a good guy to talk to now. you talk to everyone like you're a celebrity doing an interview drinking your green tea and being condescending.

I've never seen anyone have such a huge ego over a canceled radio show and semi-regular appearances on a low-rated basic cable talk show. days I ask you how a show went you end up giving me advice about life and the key to your success just what I need self help advice from a fecal nut you look like the hamburger without a hat so do me a little favor jim next time let him see it just say hello okay I don't need to know your opinions on society or government or how you feel censored by the people at Comedy Central if they didn't make guidelines you wouldn't have anything to walk on.

We're going to create controversy and you'd be just another guy who likes to drink urine. That's all I have for Jim. I do. I have one more thing I would like to say. Before I become a saint, I would like to congratulate you. mister barry katz in his new job i just found out that he recently got a new position as executive producer of absolutely nothing ben oh my bailey so i was sweating when he looked at me belly folded another hand for the bed a big hand for all the comics that were in the day is tonight all these comments uh well I mean the reason we are here is because of a man we all know and love no matter what he is my dearest friend when I'm in trouble. anything in life I can call it uh and it was a real pleasure and a real pleasure to be able to present this rose a great hand to jim norton thank you really, really uh this was fantastic so far a round of applause for all the roasters that I mean, all the Otherwise, this is the real who's who of Queens and Essex County.

Well, your last comic juice is running out fast, isn't that stupid? You couldn't have crashed and burned faster if you had written Colombia on your chest, you would have been a great firefighter because heat can't stay around you for more than five minutes at a time. It's nice to see that you took a hugely successful network show and leveraged it to get even fewer spots than you had before you really had high hopes that they We were going to be looking for a new show about a Jew who looks like a Dominican with plasticine fingers. Hey, this is true.

I was recently having a contract issue that I was involved in and I called him, this is true to ask for advice and I'm going over this whole contract thing I'm a little stuck and Vos says look this may sound silly and when Voss says sit down you're at About to hear some monumental stupidity, he says this may sound silly, but contracts are made to be broken. thanks atticus finch though that's why i love voss uh we were pulling a train about a girl from a different story than the one he told this is true we're both like masturbating we want to get out of there she was in the middle us and the voice He actually said over her, okay, let's flip a coin, whoever loses has to do it with it, and by the way, jason and evan steinberg, I want to thank you guys for coming, where are you?

I wouldn't trust you. two retards to run a winery jason is so notoriously cheap that he wants to move to amsterdam because all the women are dutch oh that's cool yeah that was fine there's one crime you'll never be charged with: offering a bribe that tried to commit. That you give an undercover agent a coupon because Jason as Henny Young takes the check? Please don't worry, I'll get to these guys, but I had what's that to shut your fat face up, Anthony, do you know what really makes me sad in three months? I'm going to have to start returning your calls again, too bad you guys aren't on the air now, maybe you could have gotten someone to spauld Gray's body in a mosque and by the way, I want to thank Caroline for putting up blankets and virus where she was just in case Keith Robinson decided to continue this year, that could have been funny if he hadn't mumbled it, you're really infecting me, good improv, yeah thanks, did you mean infect? no i didn't cut john turturro's hair to florentino thanks for coming florentino's calendar sucks so much i was hoping to do this roast on new year's eve oh now i'll do florentino like henny youngman i tried to write a joke today and boy is it my arm tired, it's nice to see it after 15 years, you decided to follow in jim henson's footsteps, hey vanessa, maybe in the end you can come and entertain us with the little rat you close the road with that gets more alcohol than geraldo's liver, vanessa is a card. -sag-carrying member, she's never been in a movie, it's in honor of her tits and ass, although I will say that if you open for one more person with TV credits, you may be eligible for after insurance, yeah, that was just for five of us. vanessa you don't know vanessa but she's been a starter for so long when she heard evan costello do who's on first she thought it was about her i really had high hopes for that nick depaolo who i adore we did the fun farm in atlanta together it was like spending the end of the week with a bag of anthrax after two days I'm like a codependent girlfriend he didn't mean it, you know, he's just that's what he is uh the waitress arrives 30 seconds after she leaves fat it's worth it my drink that fat girl she's doing this on purpose that's how fat it is easy benny davis lips she just came out and again I had another one for geraldo's pilots but I won't do it because you know thank you sir oh me too if you ever had it a program lasts more than three episodes you would consider it syndicated how come you don't have a show on the air? you are a Puerto Rican lawyer there is not only one of you in the business there are three of you in the country but I love watching your performance it is nice to see a

comedy

inspired by klaus von bulow thank you boss lori kilmartin thank you for coming I loved your head and the godfather and Lori went to Iraq with Colin and I to get on stage she had to bring four marines I don't want to say she failed, but halfway through her act 40 Republican Guards surrendered.

I got greedy and to show you what a miserable, shitty dance, this is colin quinn is the big celebrity. They don't seem to find that guy too peculiar. I also did Crocodile Dundee and a night at the Roxbury, but I turned down Austin Powers. How does it feel to be the best in comedy? And the only reason I'm interested is because a prostitute once unexpectedly dropped a copy of your HBO special. in my chest, everyone comments on how Colin mumbles that you can't understand and then you finally hear the joke and realize that the mumbling was a blessing in disguise, you die on stage so often you should perform wearing a suit with your hands crossed. your chest, bob levy, one of my oldest friends in the business, you really are the only jew dumber than voss, i swear to god, i was sitting there and i looked at levy's notes and this doll spelled chemo k-e-m-o, have you ever have you heard about a cabin up there I was going to say whoever you heard but I said however you served it's not just you vanessa I was on a plane yesterday Bob and they were making the announcements and I'm thinking boy could you have some observations fun?

You're a hack you want to drive the cab to the concerts and if I can offer you a little pro tip, you're not supposed to go from the rascal comedy hour to where are they now for those of you who don't know levy, the photo of billy martin with better jokes and a more serious drinking problem, you do so much work on the road you should go on stage in an orange reflective vest. Hi Ross Bennett, you look good. Your stomach is almost big enough to fit your head. Really bugs, but you look like Gary Shandling.

Down Syndrome When the barber finally gets to the top of your skull, he plants an American flag on it and after that head came out of your mother? Did Manhattan Mini Storage write on the side? Little children run towards you in Shea. stadium because they think you're Mr. Mint, they should shoot you on stage at a Miami nightclub while they're shooting "Scarface" you look like a caricature of a cartoon character and uh, Patrice, uh, you were great tonight and I know I tried it for the last comic. standing was a bad idea, but I was really inspired last year when you won American Idol.

I'm glad you could do it apparently there wasn't a movie that needed a morbidly obese middle position. I'm up, I deserve it. This is Patrice O'Neill as Henny Young. after eating a snickers bar take my toes off please congratulations on getting a show i had no idea they were redoing what's going on are you playing repeat or mother but hey man it's great that Patrice is advancing his career because now you don't have to do it anymore? be labeled as the guy from the samsonite and ben bailey luggage commercial good job but you talk like a talking spell you're six foot eight tall and if i were don rickles i would call you hacky puck i'm going to go home and rip my underwear off wife, are you really Poland?

I should be sitting in the center my balls are killing me I don't want to say your act is trivial but it makes Seinfeld's sock closet observation seem like a heartwarming tearjerker How many Mexicans can I shake?Hang on a minute, it's funny, I should mention that no, Ben, it's not and Corey Kahaney, I want to thank you for showing up. I was looking at Corey's butt, but then I realized it wasn't his butt, someone was just holding two bananas. side by side and jim david couldn't make it he's auditioning tonight for the new reality show last comic ride and uh todd lind um todd is an interesting guy if you don't know him half man half kangaroo and you can always tell when todd has been doing push ups because the left side of his face is all scraped up oh well I guess that's how it will be and I have to say it before I go, and I really mean this man, you guys were brilliant tonight, I really love you so much. you are a great colleague all of you um opie and anthony will be back very soon I love you guys for putting me where I am and uh you fans have been very supportive of me thank you guys so much and thank you caroline and wasabi agree.

We love you guys so much, thank you so much guys, this roast, this rose is also dedicated to Manny Corman from the comedy salesman, thank you all for coming, spending some time in the lobby, thanks for coming.