Roast Charlie Sheen - Amy Schumer

Alright, what can I say about Amy Schumer? I actually want to say that I've honestly never heard of this woman, so prepare yourselves for Last Comic Standing season 5 fourth runner-up Amy Schumer Mike Tythan's style of comedy. Saying that, get it right, oh god, come on, wasn't she great here? No, I'm asking. "I couldn't understand a word," Mike said. Your voice sounds like a little girl crying every time you speak. Do you sometimes give yourself an erection? what I'm talking about hey hey hey Mike here's something you'll never hear great tattoo you have a tattoo on your lower back on your face men don't know whether to be afraid of it or finish it look at that face it's like that so dark and wrinkled and constantly beaten it is like Patrice's grandmother after a gospel brunch.

I guess she raised you. Patrice O'Neal, one of my favorite comics. Patrice has always been destined for stardom and diabetes, so tonight isn't just Charlie Sheen's

roast

, it's also a going away party for Patrice's holy foot problem. I sat next to this the whole time. I didn't know she was coming. Many people don't know it, but Patrice also had a problem with crack, but very much so. love and patience, she finally learned to attach a rag to a stick and clean herself, oh, like a 700 pound person, oh, I'm this fat, I've never been this fat, that's true, if Amy grew a lot of dicks, she had she looks like a cupcake is her performer here Jack Ross is gross but no I could see a girl hooking up with you Jeff I mean I would sit on your face just so I don't have to look at it Anthony what's your last one? name uh Vander slot what is it uh you have all the sympathy of a Hitler Youth watching ATU talking about Kate Walsh Kate to some people gr's Anatomy is more than a TV show in fact Gray's Anatomy is what William Shatner calls his balls, right?

William God I I have seen less bloated men pulled from rivers What is happening? What does Price Line and empanadas pay you? What's going on? Are we taking that from oh yeah, we don't have any? We have to get it back, go get it and steo is here. steo great, try steo. but I'm really not joking, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan D. I know you must have been thinking it could have been me and I know we were all thinking why it wasn't like that. Thanks, Amy, oh Mike, stay away from me talking. of the things that are already dead Charlie Sheen is still alive Charlie, you are a fan, you were incredible in the platoon, your marriage to Denise Richards was something like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie, but it cannot be denied. how famous you are, I mean, it made international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls who lived with you.

You know your daughters, but no, I mean, Charlie, you have a bad reputation, but you're like Bruce Willis. You know you were great. The 80s and now you're old. The slot machines are filled with Ashton Kutcher, but jokes aside. If you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you, I'm your girl, thanks for having me.