QI XS: Quite Inappropriate. QI's barely broadcastable bits. Non-UK viewers

This program contains strong language from the beginning. APPLAUSE What is the most dangerous thing you can do in bed? Tell the truth. Nobody else? Reverse cowgirl? Actually? Actually? Did they have it locked and loaded? Let's place a tray with the finds... There they are, you have them. And I would like you to identify the fossil. So now you can use any part of your body except your hands. Thank you. So how could you identify any of them? Well, these are all pebbles from a standard British B road. OK. So, Phil is going in the right direction.

Can I put it in my mouth? No, you can't... No, Teri! Can I put it in my mouth? Teri is absolutely right. Teri has the right answer. Well well. Good for her. So we have several ways to distinguish fossils from old rocks, but one of the ways to do it is to lick them. Oh Jesus! Not paying attention. I'm going to lick this long. It's actually a British sweet. Not well. Erm... I really want to play it. No, no... That's the ringtone I want. Before the show, I asked everyone to write a poem. So I have one.

Here we are. What would we be without Alan? Totally unbalanced, that's where. He is a haiku. Do you like it? Yes a lot. Yes, it was written by my agent. I did not have time. Do you want to start? I have also written a haiku. Oh, go ahead, honey. First time at QI. You shouldn't say bad words or disappoint mom. Piece of fucking urine. Phil? Oh, I wrote a poem on the topic of hobby, which is the theme of the episode. Is it called One T or Two? Does the hobby have a T or two? I don't have the slightest doubt, what about you?

I guess it doesn't matter. We're just here to chat. Does anyone else need poop? I think I finally panicked. I liked it when they started selling it... At home we had one, the breathalyzer, where you could have a few drinks... You could buy anything, right? You could buy your own breathalyzer. It's a great idea. I should have one in the car. Well, they don't want to put them in cars and that's why you have to blow into them before you can start the car? Yeah, that's one of the things, that would actually stop the ignition if you had alcohol levels...

You'd always have your kid with you, right? Yes. drawling: "Okay, son, you know the drill. Blow into that bag." "Now let's take you to school." "Well, whose turn is it to blow the bag?" Your seven year old son blows on it and it still won't start. "What have you been doing?!" "Mind your own business!" Exhibit B. Yes, just read it. No, don't put it all in your mouth! Just lick it, just lick it. Has no one ever taught you that? LAUGHTER It's dinosaur poop. It is? Dinosaur poop! What is the correct word for dinosaur poop? Or any poop that is...

Delicious! What type of business would you like to use a strange plunger for? I once had a nightmare about a plunger. So, we had a New Year's Eve party and the next day, our bathroom was blocked and I thought, "I'll make it." I had never used a plunger before. Good. They are difficult to use. Yeah, I thought, "I'll hit him down there." She knocked him down and sucked right to the bottom of the toilet. I mentioned it; all he had was the piece of stick. LAUGHTER And now I not only had to unblock the toilet, I had to reach in to get the plunger out.

Oh! What is the pizza-lytically correct procedure for eating a slice of pizza? What is it...? Yeah? Many years ago he was friends with and knew Fanny Cradock. Dear Fanny, The younger ones won't know who she was. She was a television chef, sort of an interesting cross between Mary Berry and Jeremy Clarkson. LAUGHTER A wonderful woman, and she taught me and my wife how to make pizza, proper Neapolitan pizza, and she explained to us, A, that you cut it, but then you don't use a knife or fork to eat it. You have to eat it with your hand.

Yes. And we have to feed each other. Yes. The fact is that you can eat pizza however you want, but there are certain ideas, some tips on how to do it. It's a fold, right? It's a fold. So that the grease does not go everywhere. Yes. Yes, so what you get is a kind of triangular package with all the ingredients inside. They don't slip... It's exactly the same as Fanny's. APPLAUSE It was a man who said that women at 50 are invisible. Not for 54 year old men. I think certainly in a restaurant, that's true. Have you tried sticking out a boob and seeing if they can see you?

Just the only one. There is no need to appear relaxed or fast. At a certain age, Aisling, I don't want to compare boobage. They just fall off and drag... Oh right, you have to take it out from under your skirt. Yes. LAUGHTER You have to take it out and then say, "Oh! Oh! "Oh! "Oh yeah, I'll have soup..." LAUGHTER The two most popular Quality Street chocolates are the Purples and the Green Triangles, and these should preferably appear 11 times on the box, and in reality they only appear five to six times . Oh! And the same goes for Heroes, Wispas, Twirls...

No wonder this country is the way it is. LAUGHTER The most boring country in the world. "Give us the green one, please. "The Green Triangle that doesn't really taste like anything." Don't you have favorites? I hit the candy finger. I hit the candy. Those are delicious. They're the same. They're not the same, that's what racist. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The caramel one is much firmer and softer. Give it to an old man with false teeth and ask him if it's the same. I hope that when I started on this show, I saw James call Bridget a racist. and see if your fingers or your tongue are better at calculating the size of the holes in the disc. : It's the tongue.

For me, it's the fingers. .Can I stick my tongue in much further than you? I thought it was possible, Sara. Suddenly I see you in a new and more positive light, Alan. The tongue is much more flexible. It's called the oral size illusion. tongue is much more flexible, will bend around different surfaces more easily and should give you a more accurate picture of what you're seeing. So when I'm measuring to put up some shelves, should I...? Measure with your tongue. I should go to B&Q and say... DAMNED: "About this big. "I need screws this big." LAUGHTER No... "I make two and a half ml. "I don't know..." He mumbles But what's interesting to me, Sandi, is that there are three ways here;

I couldn't identify which ones they are with my fingers or my tongue. I knew two of them with my tongue. You were right, the language was better. Yeah, well, it's that thing, you know when you have a little thing in your mouth and it feels so much bigger? I know, Sandi. Stop doing it with us! Stop telling him everything! The British Board of Film Classification, which used to be the British Board of Film Censors since 1997, provides a brief line of consumer advice on what to expect from the film. What about this one? "Dangerous behavior, mild threat, innuendo, 'mild and infrequent bad language'." QI.

LAUGHTER Austin Powers? Er, no. That's pretty tame stuff? Yeah, darling. Is it Pingu? LAUGHTER It's Paddington. Paddington?! Where is it? The bad words in Paddington? I don't have... Actually, there was a part where he said: "Where's my jam sandwich, LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE? Here are some words in Danish just to see if you can see what they say." I mean. LAUGHTER Bagslag? Bagslag! See? I don't find that funny at all? No, it's "branch sleigh." "Branch sled," yeah. Just dancing around their bags. Yeah. "Sandra, come on, buy a sled." LAUGHTER No, it means "fart." So you have to watch your fart.

What about the other one? Do you want to try? "Yes, how do you pronounce that? "Bowhandle." "Bow hannel." "Bow hannel." "Bow hannel?" LAUGHTER This is so funny! "Bow" means book and "hannel" is the one who handles the book, so it's the bookstore. "Bow rail." Bookshop? Yes, bookstore, bow hannel. Then you'd say, "I need to fart in the bookstore." "I want to read 50 Shades of Gray because I'm an idiot." According to the latest research, the average person has five secrets that they've never told anyone, so tonight I'd like to hear one of yours, please. LAUGHTER I'll give you five.

OK Go. Where I keep my keys and four murders. I was walking home on Hampstead Heath once and came up short and had to poop under some leaves. LAUGHTER Did you have to do that five times? Probably four other secret poops I've done. Sorry, let's retrace our steps. Yes. So you're crossing Hampstead Heath with your pants down? No, I didn't drop my pants until I had to leave. He doesn't walk with his pants down, what about you? But then... So when he was going to pull up my pants, I put them on and... Excuse me, I'm sorry, hasn't he been making fun of me...?

I'm not making fun of you! I have been understanding. No, you haven't. And you shit in a bush. Did you have any paper with you? No, I used some leaves and that's what I wore. And my glasses fell off and I had to go home. When I got home, I couldn't see my house well, I thought, "Where are my glasses?" "My glasses fell off!" I had to look for them again! How drunk were you? I was

quite

angry. . Columbia Business School: It was a study, they used 38 categories of secrets, so there are all the normal ones you could have, you know, stealing, cheating, liking someone you shouldn't like, but they also had some. strange choices, then a secret opinion, not liking something people think you like, planning a surprise for someone, a secret hobby, and they asked 2,000 participants if they had any of those types of secrets.

Oh, actually I didn't have them. I realize those were the parameters. Oh no. Secret, I thought, "a terribly humiliating event." very... Oh, he didn't do it on the bench either, did he?