Psychological abuse - caught in harmful relationships | Signe M. Hegestand | TEDxAarhus

the things we do for love think about it what you've done in hopes of being loved and cared for some may remember silly and somewhat embarrassing episodes like texting in the mix in the middle of the night or pretending to like Gilmore Girls well maybe you go through very painful and humiliating situations where you do not set limits or express your needs and feelings because you are afraid of being rejected patterns that we see in dysfunctional

relationships

in my work as a clinical psychologist I witness daily the lengths people will go to to love, even if the relationship is directly

harmful

to them, we call them emotionally abusive

relationships

and it has been a previously overlooked field within psychology, but also in society and among the population, although emotional

abuse

is illegal by law in Denmark and Great Britain, it does not exist. clear definition and it is very difficult to prove in a lawsuit, think about how to prove a crime that leaves no fiscal month and the only witness is the victim.

Emotional

abuse

is characterized by persistent and degrading systematic behavior, disdainful, devaluing, humiliating on the part of your partner. partner who controls your entire social life, financial decisions and manipulates and pressures you emotionally. This partner can be very jealous and demand to know where the woman is at all times. Yes, women are subjected to this type of violence for three and a half years. Timekeepers often admit men in Denmark, so I will say that while you are talking about this topic, they may constantly tell you how stupid, ugly and incompetent, yes, but it can also be much more subtle and then they manipulate you with statements as if you are sensitive.

You are wrong, the consequences are often high levels of stress, anxiety and depression and even post-traumatic stress disorder, so you should ask. Maya asked how on earth could a person have misunderstood this kind of relationship for love, how could they have come to the conclusion? Conclusion that they were not worthy of love and should be grateful for this type of abuse, in my opinion, attachment style theory offers the best explanation and let me explain it by telling you a story, it is the story of a girl who grew up in a place common and ordinary. family with a father, a mother and a brother, they lived in a nice area, in a nice house and the parents had a good education, but it is also a story about a mother who suffered from mental illness and who was hospitalized several times during the childhood of the girl who suffered. anxiety depressions and later it turned out that he had personality disorders, so the father was the main caregiver in the periods when he was ambitious, worked hard and took care of the children's physical needs, but was emotionally incompetent at a time when that degraded and ridiculed his children for showing emotions is not good enough that is why the girl grew up with a mixture of admiration and anxiety towards her father when the girl was 5 years old the mother had a very serious traffic accident and the girl was hospitalized She was afraid that it wasn't just an accident and she couldn't stop thinking that she might have done it on purpose, so when the father soon after decided to divorce, the girl couldn't leave her mother and stayed with her, so at that time age.

At five years old, this little girl was already totally responsible, willing to put aside her own needs, blaming herself for her parents' bad mood. Sometimes the parents showed her affection and told her that they loved her, but for this girl, love was uncertain and she grew up with a feeling of being unworthy of love The theory of the wrong and ugly attachment style says that this girl will probably repeat this pattern in her relationship points, putting all her needs aside, blaming herself for her partner's bad mood and feeling grateful for any kind of love even if it comes with abuse because love is uncertain and for this girl it becomes a repeated pattern, but on the other hand we see children who have a secure attachment, they will grow up to be independent and secure adults, they will have a high self-esteem and the ability to create a loving and caring relationship. relationship so how White interprets this is a phenomenon, let's say there are around 250 women in this room and the same number of men, then 63 of the women and 35 of the 33 of the men will have experienced this type of unhealthy relationship, some of them still will be.

In it one can object and say that this type of abandonment is not particularly widespread and that it only occurs in the lower classes of society; In high-income countries like Denmark, 35 to 40 percent of the population has no social security ties and has nothing. You also have to take into account the status: you can have a big house, food and table, and have emotional contact with your parents, so it is a considerable problem not only for the individual but also for society, because we know that the Attachment style is transmitted to others. generation and we know that they are stable throughout life the good news is that you can change an insecure person in a more secure direction and not every insecure attachment ends in a

psychological

ly abusive relationship in my work I work primarily with women who have been or They are still in these types of relationships and I have seen some common themes that these women have learned throughout their education and become part of their relationships.

These women are often very good at seeing and meeting other people's needs and treats, but very poor at caring. of themselves often have difficulty sitting down and maintaining their personal boundaries and these women also have a tendency to internalize, meaning that they themselves seek insightful explanations when something fails or is not successful, especially in their relationships, they often have a very critical interior. They express an inner voice that is reinforced in the abusive relationship and these women also often live in the illusion of what the relationship or man could be instead of relating to what is really happening and then often have a deep feeling of loneliness , abandonment and sadness and it is these feelings that they try to avoid in the attempt to save the relationship or perhaps a couple.

I truly feel that a loving and caring relationship is essential to a meaningful life, but some of us have a very bad starting point. I want to change. That in my work I help clients examine and understand their attachment style so they can become aware of old beliefs and patterns of action. I find that inner awareness is the key to helping these women change when they begin to understand the relationship and how they themselves fit into this destructive dance, let's say you have a deep fear of being abandoned, then setting boundaries is a nearly impossible act, But when you can accept and understand your own survival strategies, then it will be possible for you to do something today that could be better.

Acceptance can be painful because it forces you to see the reality of your own avoidance and relate to the reality of the abusive relationship. At the beginning I asked you what you were willing to do for love and for many it is a relevant question that you listen to. respect even if you don't agree you try to understand your partner's feelings and motives even if you feel like they just want to bother you you will show affection through lots of kisses and hugs and beg when your partner needs space, but sometimes you also need to ask yourself what I'm not willing to do things for love.

I will not let another person insult me ​​and I will not let people treat me disrespectfully and I will not let people threaten me because sometimes it is necessary to say no to others and Break the old pattern and say yes to yourself, thank you.