Personality Disorders & Relationships: The Tools You Need [MedCircle LIVE]

I'm so excited about this Dr. Romney this was our first

live

medical circle event and I love seeing people joining us right now welcome and uh we posted a post on our Instagram and I thought you know 100 spaces for that. That's enough and it sold out in a couple of hours. It was over, so we didn't have any more. It's great. I hope a lot of people get their questions answered because that's the power of information, so yeah, well, when people start logging in, thank you. Thank you for being here, I know a lot of you are new to Med Circle, maybe you've seen a couple of Dr.

Romney's videos on YouTube, maybe you've gone to the Med Circle site and seen some things, but let's go. in depth and I want to make sure that the majority of our time today is spent answering your questions, the questions you have specifically related to

personality

disorders

and how you can provide better support in your

relationships

, better support for the person that has a

personality

. The disorder is living with one and if you are someone who

live

s with a personality disorder maybe some self-help strategies from Dr. Romney also about that we are almost 86 people. I'm going to give you a couple of minutes.

I know it's corn. I have my computer on a sheet on a pile of sheets right now, so I have my own little office at home, so we'll give people a little time to come in here, Naomi, thank you very much, doctor. The Romney people are chatting in the chat, so we're very excited to see them. You guys are more than welcome to chat using the uh chat button at the bottom. If you have a question for Dr. Romney, however, use the Q&A button at the bottom. You can submit your question from there and we'll get to as many as possible.

I'm going to give you one more minute, Dr. Romney, but as people come, what do you hope to accomplish when we talk about personality

disorders

today? Well a couple of things is you're number one as we know and you know my work focuses heavily on narcissism in general. I think today I think there's a special focus specifically on personality disorders, so we're really talking about people who might know you. You are seeing someone who could be a person you are in a relationship with and a member of your family who has been receiving therapy for this because chances are they don't know they have a personality disorder unless they have been formally diagnosed and if people know it.

I have questions like what is the difference, how do I know if they have a disorder or not. I'll talk about that, but I think what ends up happening is that personality disorders are unique in the relationship space because if there is such a risk, people personalizing what happens in this and you know the same thing that you imagine if you were in a relationship. with someone who was living with a substance use disorder, okay, so they may or may not wake up, you know, they wake up very late and they're very irritable until they use.

Again, a lot of people wouldn't personalize that irritability that they say, oh, you know, they're addicts, they have to get their drugs and they're not getting them, and they wouldn't blame themselves, interestingly enough, with the personality disorders that people get. blame herself. when they're in those

relationships

because, again, personality disorders, by definition, particularly the ones I shouldn't say all the borderline narcissistic ones, those types of personality disorders, have a fair amount of interpersonal instability associated with them, interestingly enough, the other people in those relationships. The person who may not have the personality disorder tends to blame themselves and that is the reason why I want people to understand the boundary between you and them, what responsibility falls on them and to be very realistic about what what are you. what you can do and how to take good care of yourself in one of these relationships so that you can be there with someone but not lose yourself in the relationship and not be hurt by it, frankly, yeah, yeah, okay, I'm going to turn off the air. conditioning as it is a bit loud and I think we have a lot of people at our first live event so excited I woke up like it was Christmas today.

Thank you for posting your questions. There is a box at the bottom. Put your questions in there and if you feel so inspired right now I'm going to do it dr romney, you can, you can't, whatever you want, um, I'm just going to take a picture of myself and post it on social media, one thing that the medical circle is doing , of course, take. up on the screen okay I'm just going to do one of these like I'm going to take it off the screen because I don't have those capabilities there you go yeah you always don't understand how limited I am and look.

I don't even have the words: yes, I'll get up, I'll finish, yes, I'll try that other thing you just told me to do, but that seems a lot, uh, yes, I look a little crazy. but my children would say why don't you know how to do this, but we are doing well there and mental health can be a personal journey, it can be one that is shared with family and friends. In no way do I want to pressure anyone to share what you're doing here today, but for those of you who feel comfortable sharing that you took time out of your day today to educate yourself about mental health, that's a really brave thing to do and proud to share, I think so, if you feel it.

Very strong on that, tag me, tag me, Dr. Romini, um, tag the medical circle and we'll connect on social media after this, but let's get into this discussion about personality disorders, what types of relationship problems do you see in your practice? Dr. Romney, treating personality disorders. Well, in regards to how that affects the relationship, then I work predominantly with relationship survivors, people who are in relationships, either with full-blown personality disorders with relatively difficult personality patterns and, you know, these are often types of unregulated, antagonistic and high-conflict manipulators. relationships and a lot of people have been in these relationships for years and they've been questioning themselves and confusing themselves and assuming it was them and wondering what they're doing wrong for years.

My goal has often been in working with clients is to educate them about these patterns because sometimes that clears up most of the other saying, oh, I didn't even know this was something I thought I was doing something wrong, especially when over and over again I talk a lot of this word, so we better tell it to you. I know from the beginning, so I'll use it is gas lighting. Gaslighting is a classic part of any relationship with someone who has a lot of personality going on, and gaslighting is the denial of another person's reality. It can take several forms, including literally Denying reality, I never said I never did that and yet you literally have the text message in your hand where they said it could be things like you're being too sensitive, you have no right to feel that way. , you know you're the one who has a problem um you know it's definitely it's or it's a deviation they'll minimize it you know there's um you're giving too much importance to this which tends to be the picture of a relationship with someone who really has personality problems, particularly narcissistic personality issues, so it helps clear things up and help them understand that that's what's playing with your reality, that's why you're so confused and for most people, Kyle, these are What we call inherited problems are problems. that started in childhood, they had one or two narcissists, narcissistic parents, or others with difficult, high-conflict personalities, and that can make a person think that this type of relationship manipulation is normal, in fact, abuse amounts to love, the kind of traumatic situation linked, so it's helping.

People understand that history, plus people who have a history of trauma are actually more vulnerable to getting into these relationships with people with very conflicting personalities and getting stuck in them, like this is what love is supposed to be confusing. and backwards. I feel bad about myself and everything, like all those things are almost equated in this toxic stew of love, it's helping a person create a new paradigm of what a loving relationship is supposed to be like when we're talking about personality disorders. in the medical circle. Narcissism seems to be the most searched topic of personality disorders, after that we very briefly have borderline personality disorder, what is that? and instability of mood and behavior and instability in relationships, the person experiencing borderline personality disorder actually suffers with a sense of internal chaos almost at all times and all of this is largely fueled by a fear Chronic to abandonment in classic pure borderline personality disorder, the person is not only terrified of abandonment, but often greatly devalues ​​themselves.

There is a lot of desperation in this, so it is assumed that I am worthless, I am worthless, of course people are going to leave me, what do I have to do to keep them around and because of that sometimes there can be a kind of desperation in their communication and that can put other people off, many people can feel manipulated in these relationships and most of the time it is unintentional on the part of someone with pure Borderline Personality Disorder in the sense that they don't know how to appropriately approach someone because they imagine they have a feeling of panic and that's the best way I can describe it.

A person with borderline personality disorder often feels very panicked. They feel like they are drowning, so when they go to be with their follower, the follower feels like they are going to sink with them, even though they are trying to rescue them from drowning. Anyone knows that it is a kind of drowning. It's like you have to grab a person and pull them out of danger, but the borderline individual, the person with that personality disorder, often feels like they're drowning, they feel panicked, and they feel like they're in a chronic situation. The feeling of psychological pain is an incredibly difficult pattern and a difficult legacy to carry, so it can be very confusing for supporters of the borderline personality.

Dr. Romney has some series on borderline personality disorder on Med Circle at the end of this broadcast. I'm watching live. I'm going to provide some discount codes if you don't have a medical circle membership so you can access those series and more. If you're watching this on replay, you can fast forward if you want to get there otherwise. It will be at the end of this video. I want to look at Dr. Romney's avoidant personality, paranoid personality, and obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Could you talk very briefly about what they are and perhaps some of the relationship struggles that can arise with those disorders?

Those are all very different types of personality disorders that I talk about most often, for example, narcissistic personality disorder and a little less borderline personality, but narcissistic and borderline personality live in the same section of the diagnostic world again, very characterized by, you know, instability, dysregulation that Something like when we talk about paranoid personality we are in a different area of ​​personality and personality disorder, a kind of world in which people with paranoid personality disorder, literally, They always feel that people are chasing them, that people are watching them. people talk about them, they are very suspicious, they are very distrustful to the point that it gets in the way of being able to establish any kind of meaningful relationship, collaboration, something like that with anyone you can imagine, a relationship with someone who is paranoid. personality disorder is almost impossible, the person with paranoid personality will seem almost victimized, he always feels that people want to take him there and as a result, it may be that people can experience them, he is very combative and oppositional, as if you know they are there. catch me and they're talking about me or you want to catch me and your friends want to catch me and you'll feel like I can't, I mean it's almost like it feels impossible to integrate a person with that. type of personality in your life and, as you can imagine, close relationships will not be the strong point of someone with a paranoid personality.

I suppose actually people may encounter this more in a family member, so in other words, it's not a relationship that they chose a relationship with someone who is already integrated into their life like a sibling or potentially a father who lives in the personality disorder part of the world that almost tends to be a little bit more strange and unusual behavior that almost feels low. end of psychotic, but it's not, it's just, again, it's incredibly distrustful. The interesting thing is that suspicion and almost paranoid distrust can be transmitted through a narcissistic personality, so some people might say: how do I know the difference between the two?

It may be because the person with paranoid personality won't have the grandiosity, the right, they won't have those things, that's fine, but many people with narcissistic personality styles or narcissistic personality disorder can beincredibly sensitive to criticism to a level that seems paranoid, and because they are, they are very insecure. people with narcissism are so insecure that they think everyone wants to take them out to steal their ideas as if they are whatever they want, like they literally want people to sign non-disclosure agreements when they walk in the door of their house and like what? Are you talking of going out to dinner and that is also seen in the narcissistic personality now that we jump to these other two disorders?

You are talking about avoidant personality and obsessive compulsive personality. Avoidant personality disorder is more of an anxious presenting personality style, people with avoidant personality disorder actually look a lot like having another type of mental illness called social anxiety disorder, people who have avoidant personality desire a lot be with other people, but they are so afraid of negative scrutiny that they are going to look stupid because people are going to criticize them. They are so afraid of it that they either don't put themselves in a social setting or they avoid situations completely, hence the name avoidant, but the trick and I don't.

I don't like the name because actually people with avoidant personality want to spend time with other people, but they feel so socially inadequate that they hold back or when they get involved there is a kind of awkwardness and they may even agree to do things. that they don't necessarily feel comfortable with just to feel like they might fit in. People with avoidant personalities may also be at higher risk, for example, of using alcohol to lubricate social situations, so that they feel a little more relaxed and comfortable, so that's You know, that's like that, and now, to For people with avoidant personalities, relationships can be difficult, but I don't think they are impossible.

I think a person can have that experience. It is very slow to heat up. Very socially anxious. You may regularly seek comfort as if this were good. idea like I will do whatever you want and so it has an almost dependent feeling, but what a person in a relationship with someone with an avoidant personality can see is that it is very difficult to bring this person into a larger social group that you are in . Like hey, let's go to this party, they'll be like oh no, no, no, thank you, so it might be the kind of thing where you can get into a relationship like this, but somehow help this person in more social situations. important and problems like That might be more difficult and then move on to the last, the last personality pattern that you talked about.

Obsessive-compulsive personality. First, I want to distinguish it from obsessive-compulsive disorder. They are actually quite different. Obsessive-compulsive disorder has more of a feeling of anxiety. To this, people who have unwanted intrusive thoughts and engage in behaviors that help relieve their anxiety, such as washing their hands, checking a lock, or making sure there is plenty of symmetry in their world. People with obsessive-compulsive disorder also seek a lot of comfort. and they are very riddled with self-doubt, that is very different than obsessive compulsive personality disorder again, a person with a very unfortunate name, by the way, all the personality disorders were named wrong, I don't know if the dsm people went out to lunch or what the hell. was happening today, but they're all named wrong, okay, but if I named them all, I'd call them obsessive compulsive personalities, something like pathologically rigid or something, because that's what it is, it's characterized by rigidity, perfectionism, um. morality hyper high levels of morality and a critical quality and probably the most common thing in people with obsessive-compulsive personality is that they are workaholics, they work all the time, they get a lot of their identity from work.

He judges people who don't work as hard, they work to the detriment of their family, their relationships, everything is fine, so people with obsessive-compulsive personality are really stingy with money, like you go and have two cups of coffee with them and maybe you have a large coffee and they have a small one, they will expect you to give them an extra 50 cents for the large coffee, like they really are, they get into the details of those things, they keep records of all those things again, there is a It means greedy, almost quality to them, so it's not exactly very easy to have a relationship with them because there's a lot of judgment, there's this greed, there's this, um, they're cheap, but I don't mean cheap money, just cheap with everything. , cheap with your time. cheap with their affection cheap with their warmth is something like that it's like I don't even have to describe it like that containment and restrictive quality they are very, very rigid if you have a date at six and you get stuck in traffic they will say, well, I'll cancel the day because I said six, so there's no date, you know, so it's going to feel very, very stiff and uncomfortable, they'll give you a gift and they'll say, well, we've decided to spend fifty dollars on gifts, so please don't spend more than that. and oh, this year I spent 75 dollars on your gift, so next year I'll only spend 25 on your gift, like if they went there, they would go there, no. an easy relationship to have with people with narcissism can have overlaps in that obsessive compulsive space.

Yeah, okay, so today we've talked briefly about the narcissistic person or narcissistic personality disorder and the traits of narcissism, borderline personality disorder. Avoidant paranoid and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. rigid is also in this chat she is our producer and she is going to take a poll in front of you if there are any personality disorders that we would like to talk about that we haven't talked about please vote very quickly so we can give some attention whoever has the highest vote, so you should see it on your screen. While that's going on, dr ramedy, someone asked a question about the differences between avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety.

Well, here it is a very difficult differential, in fact, every year. I always put my students in my abnormal psychology class to help discern that difference. In fact, I think the main difference would be what we would call omnipresence and severity. People with avoidant personality. It is a much more severe type of presentation like theirs. the more they are more um uh more limited by their social anxiety, this encompasses more different types of situations and so because of that omnipresence and severity and, frankly, stability, I think people with avoidant personalities seem like more stern people with A la Social anxiety will actually do quite well in small groups, so they will do well with their closest best friends, with their brothers and sisters, even with a partner.

You will come to know that people with social anxiety will have difficulty when they are in a perhaps larger group. In a group, a lot of people have social anxiety only in performance situations, like if they have to give a speech, a person with a void and a personality, it's almost like it's hard for them to get out of that and, in fact, for some people A bigger problem with the differential is the avoidant personality versus the autism spectrum because sometimes we will see that type of discomfort with social situations because a person on the spectrum will have so many other types of social processing and potentially other problems that the differential becomes clear, but if in some cases it's not always clear, especially a person who is on the spectrum but functioning in the workplace and all that, overwhelmingly people chose borderline personality disorder, okay, discuss further. background, so can you talk about this more than anyone else?

Probably not. They don't even

need

to be asked the questions: What do people

need

to know when they are in a relationship with someone living with BPD? How can they be a great person to themselves and their partner? A couple of things, okay, one thing I want I say, because actually this is a. I'm going to be honest with you Kyle, a very angry email that I have received more than a few times, so I want to start with this point because I think there are people who live with a borderline personality who I think I don't understand this correctly and I I apologize because I don't think I articulated it correctly.

One of the biggest struggles is how to understand empathy in a person who has a borderline personality. Here's a takeaway: people with borderline personalities have almost too much. Empathy most of the time are broken when trying to be there for other people and listen to them and they really put themselves at risk and harm by being there for other people where it becomes problematic is when the anguish of a person who lives with the limit of their personality It becomes so overwhelming, they are so desperate, they are so afraid, they feel so worthless and they feel so bad about themselves in those moments, they are terrified and they feel like their empathy is gone, it's not really gone, it's almost like was being overshadowed by this internal pain that the borderline person feels, then the borderline person feels intense remorse for not having been appropriately empathetic at the time when they were distressed and then they feel even more worthless and you see how that cycle It plays out like that for anyone who heard that and if there's anyone on this call, I want to make sure it's heard correctly because I may have said it quickly once and it may have come out insensitively, so I apologize because I work with clients. who live with borderline personality, I know how desperate they are, how much pain they are in, it's incredibly difficult for them, so I think let's start with number one, this person is in an enormous amount of pain, okay, so I can do it.

I don't just explain it, it's like they're drowning and these voices in their heads are just saying that you're no good and everyone is going to leave you and it feels really good. I interviewed someone with bpd and they told me that I like this, they said, imagine trying to feel whole to feel full, but no matter how much you feel like you are full, it was like shoveling dirt into a bottomless pit, they could never feel full, but they longed for it. all their lives yes, they longed for that and in them. and often very so kind almost too kind, here is the paradox of a person with a borderline personality classically and I'm talking about pure borderline, okay, and some people call it a calm borderline, okay, and there is a variant of borderline i.

It may come at a time that can sometimes become more challenging, but in the case of the pure and calm boundary, it is okay that the person is in so much pain and is, they will be so kind, almost too kind to other people they give to. . the best of themselves for other people they have a lot of empathy for other people I work with people who have borderline personalities who are healthcare providers and who are teachers when I tell them they don't go the extra mile, they go a thousand extra miles but then they get burned out and I think that's the struggle, helping them find that balance.

I just say to any borderline client, a borderline person that I work with, can you be as kind to yourself as you are to me and everyone else? We could even take them there like we're so good and then, guys, that's a moment, I mean, there's 165 people watching this live right now, every single person that just heard that I don't care if they've never been told. you were even close to bpd, why wouldn't we all follow that advice? Remember that yes, most of us don't do it to ourselves and people who live with a borderline personality are so unpleasant that they are cruel to themselves, so I think that if someone is living with someone with a borderline personality you have to stop being aware and Hold back and recognize that this person is suffering and before you start yelling at them and getting impatient with them, it's no more than you would yell at someone who isn't like someone. was bleeding in front of you you wouldn't yell at them or tell them to stop the bleeding you would say how can I help you and you would bend down and help them so I tell people support and love people and care about them.

For people who have a borderline personality, take a breath and understand that you are not acting this way to ruin your day, you are suffering and that is number one, number two, it is absolutely essential that you encourage and support your care and treatment, and I would say. If you are supporting someone, be it your partner, your friend, a family member, read it. There are some great books on borderline personality. You know there is one called essential. I think the essential family guide to borderline personality. Read it because. If you can understand this then it may be an opportunity to say ah, I understand this and this is what is happening now.

I was recently talking to someone with a borderline personality and she said I'm about to get really angry at you and yell at you and it's because I'm falling apart inside and I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do with the pain. I actually thought it was cool because I'll tell you what ended up happening for me when I was prepared and understood that she. She was suffering, so even though it wasn't easy to hear, I knew it wasn't directed at me. I happen to be the human being I'm with right now and I thought from a loving place instead of making it personal, let me reassure you and tell you.

It's okay, you know? Is there anything else we cando? Would you like some time and space for yourself? I will be in the other room to let them know that you can be safe. I'm not going to abandon. I'm not going to run away from you but I would help you how can I help you now looking at your tone of voice and all that to understand again there is a lot of desperation but on the other hand kyle you also need to take care of yourself because it can be difficult to care for someone or love someone who Sometimes he can attack you and that's why you want to be a good support.

How are you a good support? Take care of yourself just as I want the person living with borderline personality to learn to take care of themselves, but that will be a requirement of anyone, so if someone I noticed that someone had made a comment about the book Walking on Eggshells. That's also another important book because it really deconstructs, you know how to communicate with someone who lives with a borderline personality without personalizing it because that's the key, this is not personal, they're struggling with something and therefore it's not about you, It's about them, yes. I love that it's not about you, it's about them, it's their journey, it's their experience, yeah, I want to jump right into our questions.

I want to answer as many as we can. Our first question comes from an anonymous attendee. How do I know if you're cheating on yourself, and how do we recognize the difference between our own anxieties or paranoia, so to speak, and someone cheating on us? What if we are so lost that now you lose trust in everyone and yourself and become as hypersensitive as a narcissist, catch yourself, catch yourself the first time you say to yourself, I think I'm being too sensitive, I think I'm making too much of this, stop paying attention and ask yourself the question, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but maybe you already know.

Take a step back and say, "Okay, let me explain this because the moment you say I think I'm being too sensitive, there's a good chance you're kidding yourself, so analyze the situation in front of you." and say what's happening here." What was the stimulus? How am I reacting to this? I have all the information, so it's all those things you need to be aware of. You know how you are, how you are reacting to the situation, but take into account any gaslighting statements that have been said. you've been told you're being too sensitive um that never happened you're making too much of a deal and if you say things like maybe I'm being too sensitive ah maybe I'm wrong maybe that never happened maybe I'm putting too much weight on these probabilities.

Are you fooling yourself and at that moment you realize it? Stop and ask: Is it me? How am I reading this situation? It's really about learning to be present with yourself. I tell people that one of the most sacred parts of yourself is your reality, don't let anyone take it away from you and this is what I have to say, I'm being overly sensitive, it's judging your own reaction, you know, I want That is, it's judging your own reaction, and that's for me. that's judgmental and that's not healthy who's to say there isn't a sensitive leader in the world, there really isn't, so once you say no, I'm feeling, I'm having a feeling, if you can change, I'm being , I feel like maybe I'm being too sensitive by saying I feel hurt now I feel anxious now turn it into the statement I'm feeling now that you've returned to your reality and instead of judging your feelings you're naming your feelings I think it's a big rejection. gaslighting, no, I get it, you told me that one time we did it, it's on YouTube, a live therapy session, you and me, about my problems, and you, Kyle, you're judging your own feelings on your own emotions like oh my gosh I'm doing it I'm asking that great question thank you for asking that let's move on to the next question guys when you give a thumbs up on a question uh it goes to the top so if you see a question that I would really like to give you the thumbs up to, why are psychotic or psychopathic and sociopath people and people with BPD attracted to each other and what are the long term effects that there are likely to be on the children of such a couple?

Okay, so first let's start by talking about trauma bonding because I think the idea of ​​trauma bonding gives people a tool to understand a lot of these types of relationships. Well, trauma bonding is what a person learns early in life, a person who has had early relationships characterized by chaos. Invalidation manipulation and confusion or abuse will then occur because your early relationships during childhood conflate or confuse those types of things in validation and manipulation with love because that is the earliest type of description of love and then later As you enter adulthood, relationships that have those invalidating qualities or abuse or chaos become equated with love and are almost impossible to break, just as when you were a child you justified that person's behavior to invalidate them and everything else. , you made the same kind of justifications when you were an adult and stuff.

The traumatic bond can seem almost impossible to break, as you can imagine a person who has a very vulnerable, fragile and unstable personality style, as we might observe in a person who lives with a borderline personality or who has borderline traits who later They can fall into a relationship with someone who is very self-centered, who is very manipulative, who is invalidating and cruel, you could see how that could reproduce a previous narrative, create a traumatic bond and the person with borderline personality who maintains such a severe fear to abandonment he will remain in that relationship without understanding it. and the person who might be more psychopathic or narcissistic will take advantage of that knowing that that person is not going anywhere and that will so sadly keep that cycle going, that's why people understand trauma bonding and this is what some people say but others This kind of relationship doesn't seem that interesting to me, that's okay because in your case it is interesting and those bonds are not healthy and it is very possible that not very interesting initially is healthy and therefore does not have the same types of old evocations.

Nostalgic sparks to be honest with you, so those are the things to keep in mind about why those personality styles can be drawn. Psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists tend to exploit a person in a relationship. A person with a more fragile personality style is very easy to take. take advantage and that is how that terrible association can take place. Well, this is on the same topic. An anonymous attendee asks: Is there a remote chance of having a healthy romantic relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD with the help of therapy? Absolutely, I really think I think this is where you know we know that people who live with a borderline personality bet that the treatment of choice is something called dialectical behavior therapy.

DBT has a very strong mindfulness component and helps turn this into the black and white of borderline personality. towards better tolerance to grey. There are no two ways to do it. A person in a relationship with someone with borderline personality should join well-run support groups or group therapy with people who can have those conversations about what works and what doesn't. That's okay, because I think what you'll find then is to the extent that a person is in a relationship with someone with a borderline personality to understand that yes, there will be a need for reassurance, there will be a need to know what safety looks like. set up, you know I'm going out, I'll be back at such and such time, so if you tell your partner who lives with a borderline personality he says I'll be home at 6. now it's 5 40 and you're nowhere near home di I want to call you there was a crisis at work I just wanted to let you know it will probably be closer to eight everything is fine don't just show up at eight o'clock that's right work at home right and then you love so many other things about it we all make compromises for love kyle we all do it no one we fall in love with is perfect and none of us is perfect nor do we all have our own thing and I believe that with communication with understanding and also for the couple to understand that there are moments in the life of a person who lives with a borderline personality where you are desperate and may feel chaotic and out of control, that is not about you and it is not always your job as that person's partner.

Fix it, I highly recommend that someone who is in a relationship with borderline personality educate yourself on dbt techniques and if anything maybe even find out how to work with a couples therapist who is experienced in dbt and can then guide you on how to be a good Supporter of that, I absolutely believe it is possible, but it is a commitment from both partners, it is work and, in fact, I believe that couples therapy on a regular basis would be an essential part of making a relationship healthy in that way. circle if you don't have an all access membership at the end of this, I'll give you a discount code that you can use to try it out, but you can also get started with a free trial in our all access library.

Dr. Romney has an entire series on what borderline personality disorder is. She has another series that is aimed at fans of family members and loved ones and is about strategies for living with someone or being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. We also have a great patient. focuses on that too, so be sure to look him up if you're interested in BPD on Dr. Romini's chat. People were asking, but what if my partner with BPD isn't going to get any therapy? What is the probability that I? have a healthy relationship with them, yes, if your partner with BPD is not going to get therapy, I don't see it, I really don't see it, because I think the same qualities of borderline personality that can make relationships are very tense spaces in First of all, all of that shows a lack of commitment to the relationship because that is something that will be healthy for the relationship and this person says no, I'm not going to do this thing that is respectful to the other person in the relationship, so this has no meaning. nothing. to do with bpd this has to do with anyone if you are in a relationship with an addict if you are in a relationship with someone who says yes no I am not going to get help for what I am struggling with then no that is showing a lack of commitment to this and I think it's probably worth mentioning that what we're discussing here are people living with BPD, not someone who watched a video on YouTube and diagnosed their partner with BPD, no, no, no, no, yeah, there are.

There are so many people who go, I think my girlfriend has BPD, so you can't, you're not, unless you're a therapist or a psychologist, even then we really can't. I wouldn't diagnose anyone. I'm close to yeah, yeah, uh, let's move on to our next question, what advice would you give to someone moving on when they've cut off their family due to toxic toxicity and emotional abuse? I'm in dbt which is a dialectical behavioral therapy for ptsd and ptsd. and I feel a little overwhelmed by all the work I need to do to move forward to have a healthier relationship and analyze what happened to get me out, uh, what happened to me growing up.

She also says, thank you dr. Romney for helping destigmatize BPD because things do. it gets better, I'm glad, first of all, that's the most important thing of all, but I think that question is important on many levels, I mean, this is a lot of work, yes, it's a lot of work, whatever. You know what, Kyle? I don't think many people are doing all the work they should be doing in therapy. I'll be honest with you, as a lot of people walk around thinking there's nothing wrong with them. with them and there are many challenges, there are challenges that they are facing.

My read on that question was that initially this person said that he had created some distance between them and their family of origin as part of working through this process. db gbt in any form of therapy is giving yourself permission to create safety in any way you need or want and listen, some families are open to it and some are not, it sounds like the person who wrote this is saying you know this. it doesn't go easy this isn't easy as i feel like my family system of origin was toxic and i had to create a boundary the idea of ​​creating security for oneself is an important theme in borderline personality, many people who live with borderline personality don't do it They don't feel safe, so the biggest part of the problem is learning how to stay safe and that means setting a boundary.

Her family of origin may not like her and may even be being very difficult with her as a result, which may also be repeating all of this trauma. I'm very glad to hear it and this is the question you raised. It is a very important thing. People living with BPD should always be doing trauma oriented work and dialectical behavior therapy itself is not necessarily designed to deal with trauma it is not trauma oriented therapy per se it is a very mindful therapy in the moment and his real gift is also handling some of the dangerous suicidal crises that we see in the borderline personality, as well as the black and white thinking and all that. that onedbt enhancement with trauma oriented therapy whatever form it takes it could be emdr it could be something else which for me is the perfect combination yes its a lot of work but on the other hand it can be very mindful , very productive. a healthier life living with a borderline personality i guess what i mean is work is work is when you mention emdr our next question was can emdr?

I have missed the question, I think she asked or the user asked can emdr? is there any evidence about? Using emdr for someone who has suffered abuse from a narcissist is a big question, so just so everyone knows, emdr is a very particular and specific form of trauma therapy that focuses on using a type of event focused the present and in this case, kind of how you focus on your eye movements and then being able to use your traumatic experiences and focus on traumatic experiences in a way that they're not so paralyzing and I'm simplifying it as much as possible, it obviously means a lot.

Much more nuanced than what I'm saying here, I think emdr can be used for any type of traumatic experience. What an emdr therapist will likely work on with you is not just the trauma of the narcissistic relationship, but it is going to carry on a previous trauma from an early stage in life that may have been a sort of harbinger of entering into this relationship and help you understand how you may have gotten stuck in this traumatic space and how, yes, it could help you with that. sure but i think in addition to trauma focused therapy like emdr to help with narcissistic abuse you would also need to work with someone or if the mdr therapist understands it they won't educate me on narcissistic abuse and how it plays out specifically in your case and how to ensure it doesn't happen again great uh naomi hi welcome to the medical circle live event she asked can personality disorders be connected to various forms of childhood abuse and do I do the work of dealing with my childhood abuse? my avoidant personality disorder gets better or even goes away, that's a big question, so the fact of the matter is that much of the research suggests that almost all personality disorders have an origin in childhood experience and, In many cases, yes, child abuse tends to be very In their developmental arc, they reflect disruptions in experience and attachment in something that tends to happen in childhood;

However, Kyle, there is more and more research coming out that shows some level of biological temperamental vulnerability in the case of borderline personality and certainly, and even in psychopathy we are definitely seeing that there could even be genetic involvement, there are definitely areas of the brain that are involved in terms of dysregulated dysregulation and therefore we know that there is a biological piece, in fact Marsha Linehan's model for understanding borderline personality is called the biosocial model where she looks at biological vulnerability to parental invalidation, but that parental invalidation part is actually very important, which is why almost all personality disorders have their origins in childhood.

It's interesting. Yesterday I was writing a lecture on the avoidant personality, so this is fresh in my mind. What we know is that for people who have avoided personality disorder, some of the origins of this may be because they come from a family where shame was used as a method of discipline or control, there is a feeling that you are a person embarrassing in your social environment. The interactions are embarrassing, so I think you said Naomi Naomi's question is that doing a little bit of that deep dive into childhood issues can definitely help you understand where some of these early schemas and narratives came from and once they You begin to understand some of that. can you start dismantling them amazing amazing well said uh naomi thank you great question remember that if you go to the q section at the bottom you can vote for your favorite questions so they go to the top next is steve steve thanks for being here steve says dr . romini, in his opinion, are there any personality disorders that haven't been formally identified yet, but maybe in the next 10 or 15 years that's a really, really interesting question?

In fact, I think for Steve's question, what we'll see is less. What has not been identified, but rather the subtypes of the existing personality disorders that we have, makes sense, which is why we know that we have personality problems. We know that they all need to be renamed, but within them there are probable subtypes. Theodore Milan is a deceased, he is a well-known personality researcher and he was someone who had already started on that path, such as when it came to borderline personality, he identified subtypes of borderline personality, discouraged the submissive, etc., so that subtype is where we are.

I'm going to start to look at, for example, in the world of narcissism, we talk about covert narcissists, grandiose narcissists, uh, malignant narcissists, I think the subtype is really where the money is going to be, but to Steve's question, there are other types of Personality disorders that have arisen and that have not. they landed in the dsm, i don't think they will ever make it to the dsm, but people like theodore milan marco of milan and others like that have talked about things like the negativistic personality and that's more of a sort of counterproductive passive-aggressive personality style.

The style can often overlap a little with the narcissist, but does not capture it completely. We may also see more of what we call a self-defeating personality style, a person who is actually almost constantly getting in their own way through a negative personality type. ideation and then there has also been talk of the more evil side of a truly sadistic personality style, someone who gets pleasure from deliberately asking for harm, I regret causing harm to other people, so these are subtypes that already exist but never came to fruition and Know? There are always new ones being developed, but getting the research justification can be difficult, but those are some of the others floating around out there.

Okay, that's good to know. Tierra says my daughter is 11 years old and has been diagnosed with dissociation. identity disorder, how can I find the right help for him? All the counselors in our area only work with teenagers or adults, that's difficult, so when you have an 11 year old who has dissociative symptomatology, you know I'm going to do it. I guess for most, if not almost all, people who live with dissociative identity disorder, which is not a personality disorder by the way, this is a separate group of mental illnesses that I actually think they should belong to. along with trauma related disorders because almost everyone with dissociative disorder their symptomatology has endured trauma and their daughter has endured trauma so I would say in that case if you can't find someone who has focused Specifically, you would do well working with someone who has extensive experience working with childhood trauma and understands the dissociation that occurs in people living with childhood trauma, so simply finding a DID specialist may end up at a dead end. because very few of us specialize and I can think of one person who has ever caught my attention who does. working in that area is quite rare, however, to find a very, very, very good pediatric child trauma therapist because people work a lot in that area, they should be able to understand the dissociative symptomatology that your daughter is also experiencing and I really wish you strength on that journey because it's not an easy journey to take and watch it happen to your child absolutely uh leah is here leah thank you for being here she asked how can someone access emotions and get them out.

I hold my emotions in and have a hard time feeling them, Leah, it's like you're asking my question. I have a lot of stuff built up, but I have a lot of stuff built up, but I'm afraid to let it out, so I guess the first question would be if you are, if she were. In front of me she would say: What are you afraid of? I would love to direct you to some of the wonderful work that exists on acceptance and commitment therapy because a lot of the work of acceptance and commitment therapy is like there are all these things.

It's happening in us and it's good, like everything is fine, there is no feeling that is going to break us, it may make us feel uncomfortable, but that discomfort is okay, you can accept that that is just part of being a human being, but I think that the question would also be for her, what is the message she received earlier in her life about what emotion means? What does it mean to show emotion? She may very well have seen people being punished for showing emotions, so that's also what the early teachings were about what emotional expression means and some people feel like once I open this floodgate I'll never be able to do it. stop trusting me again go back to your acceptance and commitment therapy you will be able to stop it it will hurt but you will be able to stop it and letting it go will actually set you free unfortunately though Kyle and this is I really want to let you know that there are We also live in a society where everyone is uncomfortable with feelings.

Imagine you go to dinner with someone and they say, you know, I want to talk about how I feel, I'm feeling, I'm really desperate and I'm in a lot of trouble. the internal pain and the other person's hands is like well I just want to know what movies you've been watching, we don't want to talk about the pain, we don't want to talk about it and yet to me that's the problem because it's like it would be shameful to talk about pain your pain is not shameful your pain is beautiful it is part of who you are and if we could get out of our way questions like hers wouldn't be something that so many people are struggling with because we somehow think it's unpleasant and If someone talks about their feelings, they get labeled as strange or weird or something, we stigmatize people who talk about their feelings, so we have to understand that, again, these are these difficult experiences. there's that broad quote rumi is a poet who wrote the wound is where the light comes in your pain is your magic your pain your pain is your power you know how to own it take advantage of it and don't let anyone else tell you it's ugly oh wow excellent um I'm glad much that you mentioned acceptance and commitment therapy.

I just listened to our series on that two days ago. I was even talking about it on Instagram and my big takeaway from using the first or second session of that series was when the feeling that I'm um, you know what I am, I'm a bad son, or I'm a bad brother, or he doesn't like me. that person instead of that thought that says I don't know. what you call, but an earlier segment that says: I'm thinking no one likes me. I'm thinking that I'm not a good son and that separation allows you to work from or towards that thought, I guess instead of because of this thought, that may not even be true uh, that's a great series, I love it, um, it's okay, we have seven minutes.

I'm going to ask some people who are asking questions. There will be a recording that will be sent to members who signed up. for this medical circle live event, thank you, there will be no way we can answer all these questions, you know, some come every minute, however, we will do more of these, in fact, "I will give you all right now , we'll do one more question from Dr. Romini and then we'll wrap up, but we're going to do another one of these tomorrow. Our medical circle live event tomorrow is just for all of our members with access." It will be a smaller, more intimate meeting, Dr.

Romney will be here, it will be about personality disorders, communication styles and relationship

tools

and also another opportunity for you to ask him your questions if you already have a medical circle, membership of total Access. there you go, you can sign up, all good, if you don't have an all access membership but would like to have one, you can start with a free trial, you get seven days free, you can even just sign up for the free trial and then you will be an all access member Come to our event tomorrow and you'll get in. We also want to give you a code for 25 off your first month first month just use romini 25 at checkout for your monthly membership romney25 we will have bridgette put it in the uh in the chat here this code is time limited.

I don't actually know how long they'll be good for, but I'd say a couple of days or so, so make sure you do it, if you're going to do it. sooner rather than later, there is Romney 25. um, we also have a new Med Circle app, you can download it for free, there are free series available in the app, there is also Dr. Romini's entire video library in the app and you can start there melanie asks how much is the monthly all access membership which is twenty bucks a month start with a seven day free trial or you can do 120 for the year its the best deal you pay it all upfront like 120 but make sure you use romney 25 at checkout for those membershipsmonthly uh let's move on to another question dr romney thank you for all your time today um anonymous hi anonymous question can you talk about high functioning bpd what does that really mean? a psychiatrist once told me that because I was in grad school at the time and have a career, but I still struggle with BPD.

I'm so glad you asked that question because this is what a lot of people say: "Oh, I have BPD, I'm not going to function." Person, hell, you're actually not, look at Dr. Marshall Linehan who has been very public about the fact that he lives with BPD and Dr. Linehan herself has revolutionized the way we handle this, how we handle borderline disorder. of personality. I work with colleagues. Those who live with borderline personality I have clients who have borderline personality have incredible careers, so I think this idea is that I think a lot of people wouldn't say all of any of us, but a lot of people who live with borderline personality definitely have that opportunity to be person who is high functioning and lives on the edge, but also understands that often there is a struggle, there is a burnout that comes from some of that internal desperation and some of that internal dysregulation and negative feelings that constantly arise and some Once again , fears that can really undermine a person's confidence and that could lead to doubts in a work situation that can even contribute to sometimes difficult interactions with colleagues who may or may not understand where you're coming from, so I think that's the question. raises the absolutely critical question of treatment and access to treatment.

All those living with borderline personality had access to consistent long-term dbt as well as enhancements including trauma therapy and support groups. We wouldn't look at this as this big clinical morass. We are seeing this as a manageable mental health problem that we have managed to create. We have managed to manage many physical health problems in our world, but still mental health remains a very marginalized space. It's about access. It's about everyone you live with. Whatever mental health issue we're talking about right now is borderline, it's that absolutely, of all the personality disorders, I'll be honest with you, borderline personality is the one that has been put through the most evidence-based clinical trials and has shown real promise.

In terms of treatment, I think anyone on this call who lives on the edge, please understand that in some ways it's a lifetime's work, but I'm convinced that everyone's mental health is a lifetime's work. Each of us will do long-term work on our mental health. health, I think we see it as a unique thing and I think it's an amazing question to end on because this idea that you meet someone, she sounds like it's an amazing career and yet she recognizes that some days are harder than others, but he's doing his best. work and I believe that if you do the work there is a tremendous, tremendous possibility, dr. romney said beautifully, I just want to let everyone know in the chat that I have linked to the medical circle page of dr. romini, you can get her books there, learn more about her, in fact she has a great "meet the doctor" video that has never been released publicly, it's just on that website, so there's a little secret easter egg for you.

Dr. Romney, it's always a pleasure to see you. I hope we can see each other in person very soon. I'm so excited to see you tomorrow for our all-access Yes Circle live event. Hopefully we'll make many more of these. We take your feedback very seriously, members of the medical circle, so when you send an email to support

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.com, that goes to me, I read every email we review it not only do you know how to respond and move on to the next thing we track it we want you this is valuable to you I really appreciate everyone showing up here I really appreciate everyone who shares the medical circle with their family and their friends and who and you are working to destigmatize mental health to make this conversation normal to make health mental be part of our daily dinner conversation and so thank you for showing up and doing this, it sold out in a few hours so It was amazing, you guys are great and we're going to keep making these amazing, amazing, uh, Dr .Romini, you are the best and remember, whatever you are going through, you have this.