Norm MacDonald's Final Stand-Up Performance On Letterman

Thanks guys, listen, I don't want to brag or anything, but Oprah and I are making the same money tonight, but the show has slowed down considerably. I realized I was watching Oprah and Dave talking about marijuana and alcohol. I had never done it. I don't do any of those drugs, the strongest drug I ever did, LSD, and I remember being a kid, I was like 16 years old. I remember them telling me to warn me and telling me, hey, you have to be careful with that LSD because you can. get a flashback 10 years 20 years can go by 30 years and a flashback will happen so I thought hey that seems like a good deal tell me I buy a drug for five bucks eat it get high and then 20 years later I'm high again that's not the point i like to stretch my drug dollar the point is it's been 10 years 20 and a half years it's been 30 years and there are no flashbacks what turned out to be just more horse riding by the big acid companies that It's all it is, but I can't believe it's been a quarter of a century since I made my TV debut, everything's different before, man, you know it was back then, I remember if you wanted to take a photo, you'd use a camera, no a telephone, for a matter of In fact, if you use the telephone, people would look at you strangely.

What about the old days, when they took pictures of you? You know where they got that thing from and blew it up and all that. I took a photo of my great-grandfather. The thing took six hours. to take your photo and a photo of my great grandfather won, they just had every guy had a photo back then and it's just him like he has to go back, feed them hugs, who will feed the pigs, someone has to feed them now in the future, of course. It will be different in 50 years people will say: Hey, you want to see a hundred thousand photos of my great-grandfather.

I have it right here plus everything he did every day of his life. Hey, this occurred to me today. I did which one. I had to show it again there's a weird abbreviation when you think about it, I'm short for i and then d is short for id, they could break it down a little bit better, you know, but I watch TV, I watch the news, they scare you. the news you know they put all these stories on Iraq, Iran, North Korea, you know, they try to scare you, you know, but does it ever really scare you like you ever wake up in the middle of the night, ah, North Korea, that little country on the other side of the ocean, I wonder?

If they're going to catch me and they didn't resolve that like 20 years ago, why did I have to watch it? It's a stupid program. There is a country that worries me, although it is not Iraq, nor Iran, nor North Korea. The only country that really worries me is uh, the country of Germany, I don't know if you guys are history buffs or not, but at the beginning of the previous century, Germany decided to go to war and who did they go to war with and the world? which had never been tried before and So you calculate that it would take the world about five seconds to win, but no, actually it was close, then about 30 years passed and Germany decides to go to war again and again chooses the world as its enemy and This time they have done it.

That guy is strangely irritable and I'm not even going to dignify him by saying his name, but I think you know what I've done, but you think that at that moment the world will listen to Germany, this is the deal you don't under

stand

. to no longer be a country in a county, you keep attacking the world, what do you think you are Mars or something? Lesson friends, this will be my last time on the David Letterman show. I under

stand

it and you know, you know it, we all know it. That David Letterman was the best talk show ever, but I remember Dave differently because the first time I saw him I was 13 and living in Toronto, Canada, and I went on a talk show.

I had there and David Letterman was the comedian on the show and I loved Stand Up and David Letterman made this joke that I told everyone this joke. I love this joke. It still remains with me as my favorite joke of all time. so I would like to do it for you if you want to hear it because I was on the street the other day and I saw a garbage truck and on the back of the garbage truck there was a little sign. That being said, please don't follow too closely another of life's simple pleasures ruined by meddlesome bureaucracy, ladies and gentlemen, do you remember the good old days when Dad had piled the kids into the van and we'd all get out and follow a truck? garbage, so anyway?

I would just like to say that I know that Mr. Letterman is not for the Marquis and that he has nothing to do with sentimentality, but if something is true, it is not sentimental and I say I really love you. oh my god oh my god oh my god very funny

norm

an and thank you thank you for everything thank you

norm

a mcdonald ladies and gentlemen that was very sweet norman good night everyone