my confidence was shattered by a past relationship

I went to the post office this morning, picked up some letters from some of you, and spent the morning reading them. Each one is very moving and I often find myself reflecting on your words and stories for the rest of the day. One wonderful viewer in particular asked me how I've developed

confidence

, considering that I make videos and have accepted the positive and negative criticism that comes with it. I've also been asked how I combat allergies this time of year, and unfortunately, it's a constant battle that I have yet to find a lasting solution for. 
I considered myself a very quiet and nervous girl, but despite this she really enjoyed my own company and had inner

confidence

in myself even though she was very shy around other people.

Then I turned 18 and was living with my family on a naval base in Italy. I wanted to study literature nearby, so I started my studies in Ireland and then finished them in the United States. This was a wonderful experience, but also difficult. I had always lived with my family and the sudden change was a lot to take in. Everyone said I would stop missing them eventually, but that never changed. 
I was in a very vulnerable position during those years of learning to be an adult and unfortunately that made me a poor judge of character. I felt alone and desperate for someone who could make me feel safe in a world that suddenly seemed so chaotic, and unfortunately, that desperation attracted people with the opposite intention.

I was blind to the difference between someone who wants to support and help and someone who wants to control and suppress who you are. I was very young and I say this knowing that I still am, but it's amazing how certain experiences give you a completely new perspective on life. As naive and unbelievable as it may seem, I really couldn't believe that someone would be intentionally cruel, or that it meant that people don't necessarily want to change. So, I believed in excuses and apologies, always ready to forgive and forget. To this day, I still don't understand people who do cruel things, and I honestly don't think I ever will.

In retrospect, I learned a lot. I realized that I had to become stronger and more assertive, and not agree with things just to be nice. I also had to distance myself from people who had no regard for my safety or well-being. Of course, I won't pay them the compliment of telling them that my experience with them led me to be confident, because that's not true. I am on a journey of self-love and confidence despite them. I had to be brave and make my own decisions instead of letting someone else take charge. I had to learn to be at peace with the body, mind and soul that was given to me.

Stop wishing things were different. Treat my mistakes with gentle understanding.

Finally, I decided that past experiences would not stop me from loving again and being open to the fear that comes with it. I'm happy to say that I know someone in my life that if I could describe in two words, it would be kind and gentle. Someone who wants to congratulate you, not control you. And that's all I really needed. With an unbreakable foundation of love and respect, everything else slowly fell into place.