My Brain Works Differently: Autism And Addiction | Dylan Dailor | TEDxNorthAdams

You know, I was trying to think of the title of the talk and I thought: how can I do this so that everything I say is a surprise? and I realized I couldn't, so I have a title that gives You'll talk a lot about me and you'll end up hearing a lot more at the end, so I picked out some quotes and you'll see them and I won't read them to you, but I just want to. I'm going to address this one specifically. I like to know how far back you have to go to discover the beginning of the problem because I can go back to a time when I wasn't as nervous and anxious as an individual and I mean, and I think The time my parents will tell you was October 27th. 1999, the day I was born, that was the last time I wasn't anxious, so it was also the first time I was on the spectrum, something I like to point out that I wasn't on. spectrum when I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old I was on the spectrum when I was born on October 27, 1999, so I was a relatively happy child, you know, as happy as I could be and I started school when I was I started school a little bit Younger because I was born in October so a little younger but I was a little ahead of my classmates which everyone noticed and my parents noticed too but the school didn't want to notice too and I finished that school.

I finished my first school in kindergarten and had to change schools because my classmates didn't like me and it became this pattern that I attended. The longest time I spent in a school was 5 years and it was from 1st to 5th grade and I changed again in 6th grade I changed to 7th I changed after 9th I changed after 11th and I'm in college and I'm trying to not to change again, but I remember that I finished fifth grade and I was going through a very difficult situation. At that point I was really discovering the depth of how anxious I could be and we went on a trip to Disney and I ended up, I'm gluten free and I ended up eating gluten and I had a reaction and my parents were like, well, you know I used to have this. rule that said I can't use my computer.

You know, regardless of what I mentioned on my trip, I can't use my screen more than half an hour a day and apparently something I set up myself. It wasn't my parents, I loved the rules and so I was using them and I was feeling better and that was great and then I came home and I was starting at a new school and I was so nervous because there were all these kids that I didn't know and everyone knew each other since kindergarten so I kept using my computer when I got home and that made me feel better and I didn't really think about it much in a way like it seemed very normal, like everyone was using a computer or, you know, using their D's, so I was like, okay, you know, I'm, you know, I'm doing good and they gave me anxiety medication and then I ended up in sixth grade. schools again and I went to an all-boys school, which didn't fit well with my personality, so I'm in this all-boys school.

I got to ninth grade and I actually got to the second day of tenth grade, I mean ninth grade. because it's the last one, I'm sorry, I got to the second day of 10th grade and the counselor that was assigned to me through the state or the county said, "you're, you're not going back to school, you're not going." you go back to school, you're leaving now and you're not coming back and then I went to my therapist and she told me Dylan, I'm not, you know you can't go back to that school, your mental health just deteriorated, I was like, okay. . you know, I'm really happy, you know, it's time to start something new, so I went to school online, which was really great for a while, but then I found out that I was on my computer every day and I woke up to 7 in the morning to start class work at 8 and I was saving my work at 9 and every day I was in front of my screen working all the time and I still thought it was fine, like it was normal. like people want to do schoolwork and I didn't realize that that wasn't normal because people don't want to do schoolwork, but I wanted to do schoolwork, then I got to grade 11 and I was tired, I mean two years.

I went to school online and I was really tired of sitting alone in my room every day, so I was switching to a new school. I had actually done my tax talk. They invited me to go. I was very excited and then when I was a kid. It has to do with it at some point they took out my wisdom teeth so I was very anxious I went to the doctor's office they explained everything to me seven times you know they brought me in they numbed my arms they put the needle in I remember my vision was split in two and then I I woke up and I was happy and I sucked for three hours and then I did twelve English assignments and I got a hundred on all of them in one day and then at the end of a day and a half.

I was still quite happy and fell asleep and then the next day I woke up. I did not feel well. I was very nauseous. I was sweaty, sticky, shaking and I thought: Why? It was like everything was gone. Was so happy. What happened happened and you know, we took a look at the sheets and when they give you intravenous anesthesia they give you the cocktail, the cocktail of different drugs, one of the drugs they gave me was fentanyl and I reacted very well I reacted very well and Then I didn't react so well and then there was a month where I did well, the doctor prescribed me Vicodin and at the pharmacy and that will make me feel happy. and I just wanted to feel happy and I was changing schools again and I was actually sitting there the other day and I was like I was changing schools and I was never dealing with my problem and so every time I changed schools every time I got anxious I found something new to distract myself was about functioning was moving forward was how do I move forward and complete my next task because that's all that matters, that's all I cared about and so by the time I got to twelfth grade I was, you know, I had recovered, It had been, you know, I had a month before I had to go back to school, no, you know, I went through a tough time that I don't always get along with. my classmates, so you know, every once in a while it was like, you know, maybe something would be good to just comment on and I was like, yeah, you know, I can take my anti-anxiety medication, you know, that

works

well. , it

works

quite a bit.

Well, I can use my tools and I got into college and college is a different situation. College is a place where all these kids come and for the first time they are free and they can go and do whatever they want and I realized I couldn't from the beginning because I like rules so I wasn't going to do what I wanted. I would like to, but I started meeting people and I realized that they went out and did all these things that they wanted. do and I thought it was okay and that classes were stressing me out, you know, it would be really nice if I could do that too and it happened that on my birthday I was completely sober and I wanted to make it clear because I was with two of my friends for my birthday or watching a movie I have a cough so I used my inhaler I spit out the water because that's what you do afterwards and I raised my head towards a door and I opened my head a little so that Hospital Visit the emergency room later and you know they say how bad it It's the pain and the first thought that my head was okay, the pain is, I mean, it's bad, I mean, I can handle it, but yeah, I'm very stressed, like I told you a little bit. higher maybe they give me something and I was like I told the I told the doctor I went they told me what are you allergic to and I said I'm allergic to codeine I'm allergic to gluten I have my seasonal allergies can you Don't give me narcotics, it was like the last substantial thought I had in my head before going through the rest of the process and realizing that I'm some kind of addict, like I need something that I constantly need.

I need something to calm me down and then I like it. You know I called my parents. He was like mom, dad. I think you know, you know. I know we talked about this. I think there's something bigger, like there could be something worse. It was the first time I admitted it and it was really scary, it's a scary idea, it's scary to say, but it was also very liberating because I was able to say you know to a couple of people, nine people, twelve people. what I was now is probably like 150 and once the video comes out everyone can search for it so now a lot of people know that about me so it's really exciting and really scary and I kind of wanted to go and tell it.

People know it and I know it now, but I knew it a while ago and I can't. You know I was. He was ashamed. That's what occurred to me any time I had the thought. So I thought, I can't tell people because this is bad, this is not me, this is not who I am, this is a different Dylan, this Dylan is bad and that's why I have him, you know, I thought, well, where do I go? go? and I can't go to a group I can't sit in front of people I'm on the spectrum one I'm anxious and two I really don't know how to communicate very well in this group of people who are very different from me I don't really know their names I don't know them , the first rule I gave to everyone when they told me I had anxiety was that I will never do a group and I still follow it today so you know that all I can do is go to a therapist, which is good, but it doesn't solve everything because You know what you have to find, you know it's about specialization, it's about what they know and it's about all that, etc. you know, it's frustrating, I can't necessarily go and tell people about it and I'm here and I'm telling you, so for me, being in college is just a lot of people going out. on the weekends and drinking that's how I run people tell me that's how I relax that's how I feel better about my day and I like them when I go I really wish I could feel my day too and I don't tell them so I know that It is this fear that is in the back of my head at all times.

It's like, when does it happen?, when?, when?, when?, when does someone offer me something and I don't have it? twice in my life I said no and I've had two times in my life where I still do it because I can tell you I'm still constantly working and I'm still constantly on my computer so you know when it's time that I don't do it. I don't say no and how do I stop it again so it's very scary yeah I just don't know I don't know it's totally unknown to me and that's the problem life is very long and I guess most Most of the time I'm 18 years old.

You in this room say wow, he's young, he, he, he's a whippersnapper, which is something I would say, so you know, it seems like my life hasn't been very long, but I mean, I was born and when you They diagnosed all seven. on the spectrum, like you're in the mid-late range of diagnosis, so it's like we want to get you to where you need to be right now, like you need to learn the social skills right now and then people will do it. I understand you, they will like you, you will be able to do this, your life will be great and it's not because I know the day before, a week before I left for college, I told my therapist, I said no.

It is not like this? I've been to six schools, how do I know which seven will work? and she says, "No, I don't really think of this as if the training is doing as much for you as if it couldn't." You don't learn, you can't learn more when everyone around you can't give you, the rest knows, when you offer 75%, they only offer 25%, of course it will be very stressful. The problem is if they If you don't know how to offer fifty percent and you do it, you're always going to have this disconnect, so you know, I really have this disconnect with people.

I don't fully understand it and I got all this training and I walked through a fire, I really learned it, I got hit, I suffered multiple concussions, that's what happens when you play football without a helmet at an all-boys school, you know, it I did. I walked through a fire and I walked through a second when I realized that I was dealing with these very unhealthy means and then I realized that I have to go through another one on the way where I have all these skills and I have to unlearn them. I have to unlearn all these skills because they are not these are the things that between the schools that is what they were teaching me, they said Dylan, if you did this, they will like you more and it doesn't matter because they won't like me more because instead I learned some skill . it just makes me really dislike him more and when I go back to school there will be a lot of kids who will tell me Dylan, he's so amazing, you did another TED talk and there are people saying, you know Dylan, he's amazing. you did it you wrote a book Dylan that's amazing you did a TED talk before or Dylan you know you do all these things it's amazing you must be very happy I'm not really no I'm not a happy person because it's no it's not helping not that you know that there's nothing, there's nothing about it that really works, there's no amount of achievement that makes people like you and there's no amount of achievement for me in the way that I'm not achieving it because I want what I want. wanna. to help people, but no, that's not my main reason and I'm not always clear about it, so I come here and talk to you and say: yes, I want to help people on the spectrum who are suffering from similar things. but in all reality and I realized this probably about a week ago.

I'm doing this because I want people to stop being mean to me, but it's not the people now who are being mean to me. WannaMay people from five years ago be kind to me. I did five years, but that's not how it works. I can not do this. I can't make them like me five years ago because I'm now and not back then, but it's very difficult because I can't make them like me. Dylan here talking to you is very different than Dylan in a situation talking to people where someone says something and I just look at the back of the room and start remembering something and then I have to go and accomplish something so that everyone will admire me, but no.

It works because that's not what I want. I just want everyone to do it. I want everyone to stop. I want everyone for five and ten years to stop hitting me and it doesn't work. so being on my computer all the time doesn't work being working all the time doesn't work using fentanyl works in some ways, but it's not healthy, that's not the way to live life, that's not what I want, that's not who I wanted to be is not what I imagined I had spoken I had said something about normal in my last talk like we have this idea of ​​normality and we have it and I don't think the problem is that normal is It's not good, normal is very bad, normal is a very bad concept because you will never be normal, no one in this room will be normal.

I don't care if you're on the spectrum. I don't care if you're neurotypical, which is what we call you if you didn't know that, then you know I can't, I can't be normal, you can't be normal, everyone who tries to go back to normal doesn't make things better so I mean, I like it. leaving people with only one thought and my only thought for you is as normal as it is bad just be weird just be weird your

brain

all our

brain

s work

differently

just be weird