Michelle Obama and Julia Roberts in Conversation with Deborah Henry

- Let's welcome Deborah Henry. (classical music) (audience applauding) - Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Obama leaders, how are you doing today? (audience applauding) I love your energy, it's incredible. I would like to welcome all of you, our Obama leaders who have come from all over the Asia-Pacific. Welcome to Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. And I'm so excited to be here with all of you today. They're excited? (audience applauding) A little more excited today. I think I know why. In just a few moments, these two hot seats here will belong to two wonderful women who have come all the way to Asia on an important global mission for girls.

Michelle Obama, former first lady of the United States and one of the most influential people today and role model for many here today and around the world, along with Julia Roberts, one of the most beautiful and iconic faces on the big screen , Oscar Award-winning movie star and advocate for causes close to her heart. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Michelle Obama and Julia Roberts to the stage (audience applauds) (upbeat music). Good morning, ladies. How are you doing today? - Good day. I'm really doing well. - Yes, hello everyone. - We are excited. Are you excited? (audience applauding) - We love you. - I love you too, really, really. (speaks in foreign language) - And welcome to Malaysia.

We are very happy to have you here. And I don't know about all of you here, but I feel like I need to pinch myself. Is this really happening? Is this really happening? It is, it is, and you are very lucky to be here, to be part of this. I'm so happy to have you both here to talk about some really important topics that we're going to get into. A couple of days ago, they were both in Vietnam, where they were on a very special mission for Girls Opportunity Alliance, an Obama Foundation program that seeks to empower adolescent girls around the world through education, and they visited a high school on the outskirts of Ho Chi Minh City.

Today I would like to talk about some of the reflections of this incredible journey, but also about their personal contributions as leaders, as creators of paths in their individual lives. I watched a couple of videos. And what really caught my attention, Mrs. Obama, was that you highlighted a girl named Kim Thuy, and she said that being educated by her was like finding a great light in a dark cave. And if you can imagine that image, it is very powerful. So could you tell us a little more about the goals of Girls Opportunity Alliance and why telling stories about trips like this is really important? - I would be happy to.

We had an amazing trip in Vietnam. As amazing as any of our trips around the world that we can actually focus on... (object hits) Oops. We focus on girls and their ambitions. It is an important program because there are 98 million girls around the world who do not receive the education they deserve. One of the things that I pointed out in the

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that we had with the girls is that, you know, imagine that you have this fire inside of you, because what I was saying is that intellect knows no gender, possibility does not know race, it does not know the religion.

Children are born on this earth with something inside them. It is either developed or wasted. And to think that there are 98 million girls who were born like me, like Julia, hungry, with something in them that they know they have, regardless of what they have been told and having that which they should not. invested, you know, that's what sinks hopes, that's what stagnates the mind and that's what wastes resources. So to think that's happening around the world is unspeakable, it's wasteful, and it's not a smart move for the planet. That's why we started the Girls Opportunity Alliance, because what we do know is that no matter how big the problem is, its solutions are varied and depend on the culture of the community in which they are located.

That's why it's hard for programs like ours to come from the top and have the right kind of effect that you can have on the ground if you're not there, living there, understanding the cultural norms, and really understanding the issues that girls face. That's why we fund programs that work on the ground like Room to Read, like Rock, Paper, Scissors, because they are there. They understand what families think. They understand the fears, the challenges, and are structuring solutions that are unique to each community. So our opinion is let's not recreate the wheel, let's not start building something somewhere in the United States thinking it can help a girl in Vietnam.

Let's fund the efforts that are really working on the ground and scale them up, allowing them to grow and develop. (Audience applauding) - And I love the truth, the phrase you say, the future of the world is as bright as our girls. - That's true, that's true. We were talking, we had a summit in Chicago. At one of our roundtables I thought, well, if you were a person of faith of any kind, depending on what you believe in, wouldn't it be part of that faith to put the answers to all our problems in your mind? Of a girl.

Isn't that how it would work? Because to crack the secret, we would have to invest in a girl. Wouldn't that be how God would work? We would have to overcome our biggest problems to find the answer, and that's how I think about this topic. The answer to everything we're fighting for, the environment, education, healthcare, what if it's in the mind of that little girl in that video who rides a bike and we don't invest in her? That means we miss the answer, and that's how we should think about it. The truth, it is true, will not simply emerge from the mind of a man.

He will come from all of us. So if we don't invest enough in half the planet's population, I guarantee we're missing some right answers. - Exactly. We are not going to move forward if half of the population is not included in these dialogues. Julia, and in reference to Mrs. Obama, there is something special about being on the ground and seeing it firsthand, and the world talks about the importance of education, but you were in Vietnam and you saw it. You met these girls. From what I see and what I've heard, it was a very, very special experience for you.

Can you tell us a little about how you met the girls? - Well, first, I'm almost sure that women make up more than half of the population. Let's just invest in that idea. This trip has changed my life. It has brought my beliefs as a mother and as a person, I think, a spiritual intellect. I feel like we're aligned on that. And to be invited on this journey and have everything that I believe around me solidify and not be deep inside me in a way that is inspiring and shows me that this difficult situation of raising girls is not something sad and tragic. .

It's this incredible opportunity, and that's what I want to be a part of. Being in Vietnam, hearing stories that she was crying, selfish tears, because this woman smiles at me, telling me what she's been through and what she's accomplished. And it is absolute proof that community, education, love and faith in each other is all it takes, and we just have to remind each other of that to keep going. - I was watching some of the videos and you see this. It even manifests itself on the screen. You see the light shining, radiating in the faces of these girls, because someone was there and told them that they have value, that they matter in this world.

I know many of the leaders were asking these questions. How can a young woman or anyone else access her inner self, her inner self-esteem, especially when there is so much noise outside? A divorced family, poverty, the daily struggles of life, sometimes even our culture, our tradition, our families can hold us back. So with all this noise, external noise, how can we focus on ourselves? How do we find our own clarity, our own self-esteem in these difficult situations? And also, Mrs. Obama, from your perspective as a child, when did that happen to you, when you were a teenager?

And how have you helped your daughters discover their inner strength? - Well, is that what I meant before? Are there those of us who are born with these kinds of things in us? I write about this in my book because I had to reflect on how I got here. What were the things in my life that made a difference? And part of that was that temperamentally I was always that kid, whenever I'll show them. If you give me a challenge, I will prove you wrong. So people are born with the temperament and that is the inner hunger I am talking about.

Imagine having a girl like that, somewhere in the world where she can't exercise, where that feeling, that temperament, isn't encouraged. For me, it was nurtured and it started just with parents believing in my voice, and I share that with people because my parents weren't rich. They were not well connected. They themselves did not go to university. We were a poor family, but what they gave me was the sense of believing that my voice, the words that came out of my mouth, were intelligent and interesting, and they were interested in it. So when you start with a foundation where you tell a child from very early on that they are valuable, that those words themselves can make a difference.

It's not magic. It's not money. They are not resources, and that is what some families miss. There are families who believe that if I can't give what I have, then I should just keep quiet and leave them alone. Well, no, the truth is that teaching a girl, teaching an individual early on how to use her voice and that her voice matters, allows them to advocate for themselves as they move forward. So what I would say to this group about self-confidence and self-advocacy is that we have to be that light in the lives of children who don't understand that, and that's how I think when I interact with a child, which is why I would pass. a lot of time with the children.

You could be in a crowd of people, on a rope with people waiting. If I see a child, I will take that moment and look them in the eyes and make sure they know that this person and this important person that they see in the world sees them. And it can be something as simple as I see you and you're beautiful and you're smart. Words really matter when it comes to our children and we can't be arrogant about it, because those are the things that children take. So if they respond so well to positive stimuli, imagine what happens to every child who receives the opposite, that someone ignores them and tells them, "Shut up, it doesn't matter who you are." It's those little things that matter as much as resources, school fees, bikes and tuition.

This is how a child's soul is cultivated. For me, I had that. What about you? (audience applauding) And you? (laughs) (audience applauding) - Guys, talk about pinching yourself. It's all I do all day and all night. You say it very well and your belief in the girls we've been with, in me, makes a difference. It's all the little things. I mean, we think it's something very radical and it's not. God is on the details. It's looking into the eyes when you talk to someone. He is convincing them. I mean, I walked out of the high school we were at the other day and I said to my friends, imagine you woke up this morning and your life was this, and you're going to bed tonight.

You've turned that page, your life is a little different now because Michelle Obama flew 9,000 miles to spend the day at her school, she sat, she colored, she talked, she took it all in and she radiates on these young women in such a way in a way that they will never again. be the same. And that's what it's all about, walking into a room and trying to make sure that it and the occupants of it are seen, heard, and changed for the better. - And also for the leaders in this room, one of the things we try to think about, especially when we work with children, is consistency.

Because a child will believe. On a day like the one we had in Vietnam, you can wake up feeling changed or you can feel like "Did that happen?" And if nothing good comes after that, the disappointment they constantly feel is reinforced. It's like, yeah, they came, they saw, the cameras were here, the lights were on, but weeks went by and I never heard from them again. We try to avoid that when we work with children. So when I was first lady, any powerful interaction we had with a group of children, whether it was in Islington, or in Vietnam, or in Cambodia, couldn't just be that moment.

We make sure to keep track of at least two, three or four. There is a lot I can do with this great platform. But you, as leaders, that constant return will be what you remember. It's not the first visit. It's the second, third and fifth visit, because that's the kind of repetition you need with children, with your own children. If you are teaching them something, they assimilate it the more you repeat. Parenting is all about repetition. No, I can't do it. I still can not. No. The answer is still no. And probably around the tenth, maybe the hundredth time, they'll say, I guess not. - Hopefully it works (laughs) - But the same goes for the positive reinforcement you have in a child's life.

And frankly, that's true for any topic you're tackling. Once you accept it, do it. Show up to the communities that you serve because a lot of the communities that we all work in have been disappointed and they're used to that disappointment, they're used to that kind of blow and then we're on. So to the leaders in this room, I ask you to think about thatwhile they do their work, especially since it involves programmatic activity. What is your plan for consistency so that the message you send is reinforced and the people you serve truly believe you mean business? - Exactly, it is the power of positive affirmations that I think in our world we tend to give very little weight, and our actions and our words must match, right? - Yes absolutely. - I can't say one thing and do the other.

I've been running a nonprofit organization for many years, and when I was a kid and it hurts so much for a lot of us, people ask us, "Who are your idols and who are your role models in life?" day it's a different person, it changes. I think at one point it was you, Julia Roberts. Thank you. When I was a girl, pretty woman and all, I was like, "Mmm." : Sorry, I had to include that in the number of friends of mine who were like, “You have to mention that,” “How am I going to mention that?” "It's not exactly the right platform." But yes, it was...

And now that I work with so many boys and girls, I see their daily struggles trying to find role models and advocates in their lives, and especially in their communities, especially for marginalized communities. So who are your role models and advocates growing up, and even today? Is it possible to make yourself believe if you don't have it? Do you need all of this to believe in yourself, to believe in yourself, I guess, to have that support system? - Hero worship is scarce. I think it's hard to find these days for a variety of reasons. And even for me, when I was young, I was lucky to have a teacher that I really admired and that I can still remember and appreciate, my sister, my mother, because of how hard she worked and raised the children and never really showed the deep worry and daily tension that I now obviously know existed for her.

And I remember asking her as a new mother. I said, "Mom, how did you do this? "You had a full-time job, you had a tight budget." did you achieve that? She might have sounded like a magician. And she said, "Honey, it's called daycare. "I dropped you off (laughs) "and I went to work and picked you up." And I'm eternally grateful for that response, because you realize that all of our heroes are here. Maybe we just don't know each other's names. And that's what you have to remember. That's what I think makes my life special to me, is that I know when I walk into every room, somewhere there is a new hero that I can discover.

So in that, it's all in our hands to radiate that to others so that they know that you're safe and that you're interesting, and we're going to form a collective here, and we're going to come to an agreement to come to an agreement if not the world. It will be a better place, this day will be better, and then those days will connect. - And that's where, you know, when you ask the question, is it necessary to have a hero, a role model? And I think so, absolutely. What we got wrong is who that role model should be.

We always think that when we say role model, well, it has to be someone famous. It will be Julia Roberts or Michelle Obama. But the truth is, as Julia pointed out, the heroes, the role models that have the biggest impact are the people around the kids right there. It's not the big one, it's not the president of the United States, it's your mom, it's your neighbor, it's that teacher. With that vision of what role models are, I believe that all people have them if they value who they have in their lives. Everyone has someone to turn to.

But if we devalue some of those positive contributions because we don't believe they are important, then we lose who our role model is. We are missing the person in our lives who gives us that encouragement. And we also have a tendency to drown out the positive and simply absorb the negative. And that is something we must take into account as a leader. I know that all of you are sitting here struggling with it, that you can get a hundred attackers, you're doing very well, and the one person that says, "Well, that's stupid," that's what you repeat to yourselves.

Over and over again. So what I try and encourage people to do is be aware of positive energy. When I make statements, I have said this. How do I get over things? I try to get rid of the noise. I try to drown out my haters and make sure I pay attention to the positive energy that comes through every day. That's a practice you should start, because we as humans tend to practice the opposite. It's like, "What do I have to fix?" "What's happening to me?" Instead of thinking, "Look at all these things I can do." "Look at my strengths, look at my assets, look at what I have to offer." We all have it, but we train ourselves to only focus on the negative, and some people have parents who help them do that.

It's like You have people in your life who always tell you, "You got an A-minus, why didn't you get the A?" Well, that's practicing focusing on the negative, and that's being a role model. And as Julia also mentioned. We have to remember that, that's why we support mentoring so much. That's why we support all of you, because we believe that you are all mentors in people's lives. Like Julia said, you are the answer. Someone's life right now, maybe it's a cousin, maybe it's your own child, maybe it's a neighbor. There is some child watching you and you will be able to communicate with him much better than I can.

Michelle Obama, but you're in someone's life every day. That means that everything you do and say to the young people in your lives shapes and empowers them, and that's how I want all of you to think as you build yourselves. That's why we are investing in you, because you are the army we will send to do what Julia said, to spread some positive light, to be the yes in someone's life. So now we have to question. You have that responsibility. Are you handling it? Are you doing what you can? Are you being considerate with that mentorship?

You are using it? Are you hoping to find your mentor? Now it's your turn to be that for someone else, and it's a great responsibility to have. (Audience applauding) - I love it. I have to write it down, molding and training, such an important role. And then, Julia, you were talking about your mother being your role model, someone you grew up with. I want to talk a little about women and moms. I think society assigns us a lot of roles and we have to play a lot of roles, and very often we have this general brushstroke where you're either a great housewife raising the family or you're a high-flying super. career, ambitious woman.

I think we fluctuate for a lot of women. We fluctuate between the two, without really fighting. It is juggling and fighting, and this word balance comes into the picture. It seems to be a question women often get asked about finding balance. For some reason, men don't seem to get asked that question about finding a balance between work, home, and all that. So is there a different narrative we can talk about when it comes to balance? And in today's day and age, I think all of us feel pressures from work, from life, from having it all, and from what we find to be best for us compared to everyone else.

Both can respond. - We were talking about this. - We were just talking about this. I mean, my feeling is that you always have to define the terms of what everything means. Everything is different for everyone. The things this woman does, what she accomplishes in a day is my agenda for the year. I don't feel bad about it right now. So it's what you can do, what you want. What fills me will be different than what fills another mom who lives on my street with her work life and her home life. So I think we need to constantly remind ourselves that having it all and doing it all is different for everyone, whether you're a man or a woman.

It's just different. So my version of everything, if I put my head down at night and feel like "I circled it today." Sleep at night. But it's actually a myth that says, "Oh, women, can you have it all? "Can you have a family? "And you can have a career? "And you can do all these things?" That idea is just to drive us crazy, because it's just a headline. It's a highlight to create challenges and I think it distracts us from what we're actually doing and accomplishing and which we are very good at. I am very proud of my cooking, although your husband might say that I take too much pride in my cooking (laughs) - That's an inside joke.

You won't get into that. They make you feel like you are achieving your goals in a beautiful and joyful way. My mom accomplished many goals and didn't have the space for the joy that my life allows me to have, and I am very aware of that, and it makes me feel deeply grateful for the joy. that I have space and space for every day that she really didn't. - We were talking about having it all. It's become an interesting mantra in the minds of, especially, women. But it's so stupid, for. To be honest, it's like no one has it all.

Nobody. And why should we do it? Because that doesn't sound selfish. Because if you have everything, it means someone has nothing. I think that is one of the challenges we have on the planet. Some people think they should have it all without understanding that if you have it all, many people will have nothing. I've learned to think about that in the balance of my life. It's like I shouldn't have it all. What we fight for is women who I thought were options, the ability to make a broader set of decisions for our lives. And where we are now is that there are some people who judge the decisions that some women make.

We often do that to each other as women. Oh, are you staying home? Okay, that's good, I guess. Oh, are you working? Well, who takes care of your children? We tend to do that to each other. And in my case, I had to realize that because trying to achieve everything drives you crazy. I never discovered that I could be the mother I wanted to be and do everything I wanted with my career. I could not do it. This trip for example, when I was first lady, it seemed like I was doing a lot. But I found that in order to focus on my job as first lady and raising my two children in the White House, as my staff will tell you, I work three days a week.

I was like three days in, and that means when I'm on, it means I have hair and makeup. So you better do it all. Because once I take these eyelashes off, don't even ask me to come down. (laughs) And I work upstairs, right? (audience applauds) - I think that's something we all do (applause drowns out speaker). - Because the days I didn't work meant I was on the school soccer field, I slept, I exercised, I did something for myself. But during those three days, as my staff will tell you, we hustled. It's like doing my hair and makeup, I'll work from six in the morning until midnight.

That was the balance that I found, and I also discovered that I could do a lot of things in those three days, because I was more organized, more focused, but I learned that long before I got to the White House. I had to start learning that when I had my first kids, when I have my kids, and it was still high-powered blah, blah, blah, whatever it was at the time. And I was going crazy and feeling like I wasn't doing anything right and there was no joy. So Julia, I think what you're saying is right, is that we all have to define that for ourselves, but keep it all out of the mix.

What I have learned is that we take care of our health, life is long and what you have are chapters. When I was first lady I would never have been able to, I never took a two-week trip like this. Because for me, being away for my kids wasn't something I wanted to be away for that long. I would never leave Malia and that's not a judgement. That was something I felt. I felt like, first of all, they live in the White House. That's crazy enough. Their father is on some G summit. They don't even understand that.

And now where is mom? What is she doing? Where is she, in what country? For how long? For me, I thought... Then we would do this trip, the same trip to three or four countries, we do it in four days. Crazy, right? Well, that was the choice I made. If I'm going to do this, I'll do it in four days. We'd operate without sleep, and then we'd get on the plane and come home and see nothing of the countries we'd been to except the elevator and the conference stage, and then you'd go to sleep. So that was the kind of balancing decisions I learned to make. -And speaking of options, one of our leaders from the Solomon Islands refers to the cultural and family challenges that in some ways hold you back.

And I know you mentioned this in Vietnam. You said that even if your families don't understand that today, trust me, they will when you go to college or start your business. So, that's a challenging scenario to overcome because, family, you want to keep them close. You want them to support you, but they don't always do it. It's true. One of the things Room to Read does with the girls in the program, in their life skills classes, is help give them the language to converse with their parents. And it's not even about assuming that the parents, their feelings, their worries or concerns are not well placed, but it is about getting the girls to understand why your child is worried.father, why he is afraid, what he does not express and that you can help. understand to shape your argument, so that they understand what the fears are.

Because what you see in Vietnam, as the video shows, it is not always safe for a girl to travel miles and miles. Imagine parents saying, "I have the choice to educate my daughter," make her walk alone for hours "because I can't leave my farm," and I have five other children here. "So she's eight, seven, 10 years old, you pick an age, "and I'll send her to another village. "No, no, education doesn't seem like a good idea to me. "Thank you. "And she can stay here and help with the housework." As a parent, that makes a lot of sense.

So how do you start to break that down? That is why work on the ground is important. Understand what the cultural issues are on the ground and that they are very different from one community to another, from one country to another. And part of the fear, part of the lack of investment in girls is simply based on misinterpretations about women, culture, etc., etc. That takes generations to change. So you have to start somewhere and you have to give girls on the ground the understanding, the language and the context to participate in those

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s with their elders. -On the topic of women, so to speak, I still remember that night when President Obama and you had your first dance and you were in this beautiful white dress. - Let me think back. - President Obama and the first lady and... - That was a long time ago, yeah. - I think you danced to "At Last" by Beyoncé. - Yes Yes Yes. - If you don't already know, you represent, President Obama and you represent the objectives of the couple of millennial hashtags that exist in all of our social networks. (laughs) And I guess the question is, under normal circumstances, relationships are difficult for all of us.

But under your circumstances, I imagine it's especially challenging. How did you both find that time and that connection with each other? - Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't. One of the things I talk about, we talk about relationships, is that they had ebbs and flows. I advise many young people. We have a lot of young people in our stuff. I'm a little direct and direct, but I remind them a little. It's like marriage is difficult. It's just difficult. It's worth it, but it's difficult. They are two people raised differently coming together to build a life together, which means you have to agree and compromise.

And then if you complete the idea of ​​family and have kids, well, they just ruin everything, because (laughs) kids are difficult. They want what they want. They can't talk, they have to be cleaned. They are a nuisance. It's a difficult concept, but we don't talk about it like that. When we talk about marriage and relationships, we talk about relationship goals with hashtags. We think about the wedding, the dress, the ceremony, love and happily ever after. And then when young people get married and experience the truth, which is difficult, they think it's them, and it's not them.

It's something difficult. Barack and I understood that about each other, and we understood that there could be periods of time where it would be very difficult, especially if you're doing difficult things, which you all are doing. You have chosen difficult careers, agents of change and work in communities. It doesn't pay well, it's stressful, you fail a lot, and no one will pat you on the back. Your parents don't understand what you're doing. You don't have a regular label like I'm a doctor, and it's like I understand it. What is this you are doing? Advocacy, what is that?

So it's a challenge. And I think Barack and I learned that we have to get through the hard times and that we have to forgive each other in those times and sometimes we have to go out and get help. I wrote about the fact that we work to get marriage counseling, because I want young people who are in a relationship to know that sometimes they can't do it alone. You need someone to help you mediate those commitments between you. I may not be a professional counselor, but relationships require a community to help them move forward. And building a marriage and a family, for me, is not a solo expedition.

It requires a community of friends, people around you, family and perhaps outside help who can help you understand yourself in it. And that's how Barack and I have been successful. We forgive each other and, first of all, let's start with the person you must like. So that helps. He started by saying that I like him, I respect him, I value him and we had the same shared values. And with that foundation, you just throw yourself into the work and try to find a way to understand that that's the journey. And if you work hard and get help when you need it, in the end you will have a 40-year marriage or a 50-year marriage.

If someone has parents who have been married for a long time, if you really ask them, they will tell you that there were probably 10 years where they hated each other. But if they're married for 40 years and hate each other for 10, I'd accept those odds. It's like, okay, you'll love it for 50 years, but you'll hate it for 10 years. You would want to push him out the window. Not a tall one, but a short one. You don't want him dead. You just want him hurt. (laughs) - That's why we're talking about a couple of goal hashtags. -And Danny Moder, what are you guys doing?

You guys have a real marriage and a happy family and all that good stuff. - I never wanted to push him out the window, but maybe there's time... - Oh man, don't make me look bad. (laughs) - He's taking care of our family right now, so I have to congratulate him. - So you wanted to push him out the window. - Praise, praise. You have to have reality. The good thing about these computers that we carry on our pickets is that they create a disconnection from reality. I'm lucky that every Tuesday I play mahjong with my friends.

Thank you. (laughs) - When you say mahjong in Asia, we say, "We love you." - We can play later in the lobby, because I missed my match this week. (laughs) But when my husband is home and we're playing, we bring food and it's all afternoon. Drop the kids off at school. We all meet at my house and then we go... - Are there drinks? Is there wine? - You know, it's not a drinking game, am I right? - Oh man. - It's not a drinking game. - Although I'm still with you. - You have to be clear. - Oh, you can. -There are many times where Danny comes in and says, "You women are so lucky to have each other." Because whether we're just laughing and moving on and bringing joy to each other or whether it's group therapy.

This happened to me and my son said that, and then he said this. Oh, that happened to me once, and this is what I did, or this is what she did, or this is what. And that community is really what we're talking about here. It's about supporting and educating, bringing out the best in each other and being there for each other. This morning I was saying things on the phone to my husband. He was taking credit for them, but she told them to me. And so, that's what you do. You take it from your friends and apply it to your own life.

That is important. That is the strength of the people. - But to do that, you have to be willing to share, and some people are not good community builders, because being in community with someone means you have to be vulnerable. And what I find is that when you're vulnerable, you open up other people's vulnerabilities and everyone gets a little bit more. And I think, frankly, sometimes that's the problem with men. You guys are trying to be tough and you don't want to talk about anything, so you keep all these thoughts in your minds. You know nothing.

Need help. You need other people to help you think about these things. It's like you don't do this alone, buddy. You're wrong. - My God, I love you. - You're starting a situation here in the front row, maybe we have to move on. - Actually, that led me to my next point, and I think you kind of answered it, because I did this activity with a group of students and I asked them. During your darkest days, where does your light come from? Because we all have dark days. And we drew a sun and all these arrows pointing inward, and they said friends, family and so many other little things that you encounter every day.

If you want to share a little more about that. On your darkest days, where does our light come from? - Wow, I mean that sometimes it doesn't come, and you just have to believe that it will come, that it will come. There is a saying that no matter how long the night is, the day will surely come. And you just have to believe in that, no matter the circumstances. It's one of the things that I think impressed us so much, moved us most deeply in Vietnam, the stories that were shared with us, the depth of vulnerability, the depth of courage that it takes to share stories like some of the ones we know. .

I'm listening. That's what... It wasn't so much about the win. It was about vulnerability and the belief one can have in oneself that no matter how long the night is, the day will surely come. And for a six-year-old to believe that in himself, that wasn't the six-year-old that I was, or the 10-year-old, or the 26-year-old. That's why it's so moving and magical. We can change the lives of others in these incredible ways that are big and can be very small. It is sharing. Sharing is something very valuable, something very valuable. And yeah, guys, just form a mahjong group or something, because really, find a running buddy.

Do anything and share. - Well, it's also like you have to plan your joy. We don't teach that. We plan the work. To answer your question, what happens in the darkest hour is true. Those times will come and there is no magic answer for that. But if you have been thoughtful in your life and know how to feel happy, that is what will help you get through it. That doesn't mean the dark day didn't happen. It means that because you have planned joy, joy comes, but many times we plan work. That's what they teach us to do.

We are not taught to plan our lives and our joy, and it takes planning and it takes practice to plan. So to all of you, I say this because I know you are all burning yourself out doing the work you do. That's your tendency, and it's also the feeling that this is how changes are made and that I have to be miserable in the process. And you can feel it because you also juxtapose your life with the lives of the people you serve and you will always feel blessed. You will never feel like you should feel joy when people are struggling.

But all of you, to remain vital in this work, have to plan for joy, you will burn out and be no good to anyone. So I want all of you to think about that. Like Julia said, she doesn't look like our mothers. In our mother's generation, she was like women had no joy. You just did the work, got up and did the laundry. My mom didn't even go to the hairdresser. She once dyed her hair green and said, "Mom, go to the hairdresser." She's like, "No. "Why would I spend money on that?" because it's like that can bring you joy, and it's important for the people you work with to see that you have joy too.

So I want everyone to think about that. What are you going to do this week? When you leave this conference, what are you going to do that will make you smile selfishly? And how are you going to make sure you have that weekly, many times a week, maybe even every week? days have a little joy in your life. And that is defined differently for all of us, for me, they are my children, they are anyone's children, and I (Audience laughs) I would literally say that in. the White House. - You can take mine. There will be times when I would say you have to take me with some children because these adults (audience laughs) I'm glad (audience applauding) - Mrs.

Obama, could we board. quickly imposter syndrome? Because I know that's something you've talked about a little bit and it was a question from one of our Indonesian leaders, feeling like that's not the case. good enough. - Yes. This imposter syndrome, does everyone know what we're talking about when we say, you say mm-hmm? - I don't really know that term. - Well, particularly among minorities, there's a sense that because you've been told you're not good enough, when you're in a room you're like, "Well, how did I get here?" Have you been told I'm not good enough?" Women feel it a lot of times because society says you shouldn't do that, right?

Then you feel like an imposter in your own life, especially whether you've achieved success or not. .You're in rooms you shouldn't be in because society has told you so. You think maybe someone will find out that they shouldn't be here, right? That's imposter syndrome. So what makes sense? I tell people okay, and all I can do is tell you this, because imposter syndrome is a thing in your head and, you know, it's like self-confidence. It's like any internal characteristic of it. what you practice telling yourself and if you've heard that, you're not quite right, that's what you're practicing.

I'm just here to tell you that it's not true. You wouldn't be doing what you're doing if you weren't. you belonged here. And I also have the advantage of, and I say this not with any level of arrogance or lack of humility, but there was alreadyBeen at many powerful tables. I have worked in all sectors. I have been a lawyer at a large law firm. I have worked at an academic university, I have been an associate dean. I have been vice president of community development at a hospital. I run a non-profit organization. I have worked in the government.

I worked with the mayor of the city of Chicago. I worked in the Planning and Development Department. I was first lady of the United States of America. I have seen these seats. I have worked on corporate boards. I have done it, not everything, but a lot. And I'm just telling you that there are a lot of people who don't belong there. (Audience laughs) And at every table, I thought it was me. And after a while, like, no, it's him. (Audience laughs) (Audience applauds) It's this guy who's sitting here talking all the time... - But they act very well.

They act like they belong. - That's because they've been told they belong there. They do not do it. But there is a presumption. That's what I'm saying, it's in his head too. He says, "I belong here." I say, "No, you don't." (Audience laughs) What I can tell you is that the person sitting next to him was told, based on nothing, that he belonged there, and you were told that he didn't. Both things are often wrong. What I had to learn to do for myself was that age helps you with imposter syndrome. I'm 55 now and I've seen it.

I've been waiting to be as bad as people told me I would be. I have been waiting for the moment when I was going to fall, make mistakes and fail. I've been waiting because that's what they said. He didn't belong at Princeton, did he? I applied to Princeton University. My college counselor told me, "That school is too much for you." Well, I applied anyway. Between. I was expecting it to be difficult and for everyone else to be much smarter. They were not. They were not. They were simply told that they belong there. The same thing happened when I went and applied to Harvard Law School.

Maybe I shouldn't be there. Go there, no, no. They are not smarter than me. So with the whole practice of just walking into the room you're not supposed to be in and being there and occupying those seats, and just acting and knowing that your thoughts are just as relevant, your experiences are just as important. Your knowledge is equally valuable, so you'll be able to share it, use it, and practice being there. That's the work you have to do if you feel like an impostor, because he doesn't give up his seat easily. He's not going to just say, "I understand that you don't feel like you belong here," "Well, let me make space for you, sit you down, and tell you what you need to hear." They're not going to do that for you, because a lot of times they don't even want you there, even when they need you to be there.

So you can't count on someone else to give you self-confidence. That's not how we work, you know, and that's why all of you are important, because you're not going to do that for any child in your life. You will ensure that they never feel like an imposter. You'll help them practice a different set of messages so they're not sitting around wondering where they belong in places where we need them. We need diverse women and minds, and people who think differently and have different religious beliefs, because the truth and the right answer come from the diversity of experiences.

They need you at those tables. So you can't sit there wondering if you belong because you'll waste time in those seats, you'll retain your voice, and you won't be able to make change because you're waiting for someone to tell you that you belong. I'm telling you, you belong. Practice a different set of messages. (audience applauding) - Thank you, thank you for saying that. Very important. Julia, before you were talking about... - I'm sorry, isn't it incredible? Yes Yes. (Audience applauds) Yes, hold on to all of this. Just put it in your pocket. - You mentioned before about the little computers you carry in your pockets.

I think all of us were still struggling with social media today and how to use it, the role and control it has over our lives. But I know you joined Instagram recently, if my research helps, like 2018 or something, not that long ago. I think your first post was that you had the word love on a sweater, and I thought that was a really relevant post and very timely for a world that's really hurting. But social media is a double-edged sword, right? There are a lot of bad things that come with this, a lot of good things, a lot of bad things.

Can we talk a little bit about how you may have used social media, and also with your children, and the role that it plays in your life as an actress, as a mother, and also for the leaders here today, because I think we can't talk about leadership if We don't talk about social networks. - Well, social media, I mean I'm an older person, so there are so many things I don't understand. (laughing) It's true. - We're in this. We really are seniors in this room. - Here we are the oldest. - When I pass that? - It must have been yesterday.

But encouraged by my teenage children, I have three children who I greatly admire and their views. And they were kind of encouraging me to use Instagram, so in my research I want to do something if I can do it the way I feel comfortable. I don't want to have something else that I partially participate in, but don't really participate in. I'm not a big poster. I think there's some kind of unwritten law that you're supposed to post every day. That will never happen. But it's fun and I have my... I designed it through Instagram the same way anyone can, where the only comments I can get on my feed are from the people I follow.

Because I'm not going to answer everyone's questions or everyone's comments. So I didn't want there to be anything else in my life that was left incomplete at the end of the day, and that's how it works for me, and I can post things that are fun or interesting to me and that might be interesting. To you. So it's been crazy for me. But then moments like this happen and I can say, "Hey, people who might follow me, 'I'm doing something really cool,' and I'm with this organization,' and it's really important to me, 'and check it out.' That's where I see the true value of social media.

And I know that, let's say, my niece, for example, who is an actress and she's 28 years old and she's extraordinary, her social media is very different, and it's really motivating, and it's very much about her interest in what she's doing, and she has many more followers than me. But it should be fun. These things are just taken very seriously, and then we start taking them seriously and it all comes back to what Michele was saying. I mean, I remember the first time I got a really bad review, and it was the only time. That's a joke. (Audience laughs) But I took it very seriously and realized that I had never taken anything positive written about me so deeply into myself.

And if I couldn't create that balance of taking them equally, then I shouldn't invite them into my mind. That's why I don't read reviews, I kind of ask what the temperature of the reviews is, and that's all I really need to know. So I think it's the same with any of these things. You should use it when it is positive and then leave it alone when it starts to become toxic. - And to all of our... (audience applauds) And to all of our 200 Obama leaders here today from across the Asia-Pacific region, you are here because you are doing incredible, impactful things in your people and communities. , their countries, but I think many of the leaders are inspired by their roots, Mrs.

Obama and President Obama as good neighbors, community organizers and advocates from all those years. And so if we could go back a little bit to before the Obama Foundation, before the stage, when it was just an idea or a thought in the mind. How did your story, your own personal stories, influence what you want the Obama Foundation to be? - Good question. For me, public service, the work that all of you do, the work that we do is selfish. It's selfish because it brings me joy and I learned that when I was younger, because before I left the practice of law, before I met my husband.

Because he was actually the first person in my life, one of the first people who made me think about my life in a different way, until then I describe myself as a box-checker. I did what I thought I should do, because probably as a working-class kid from the south side of Chicago, my vision of what could be was pretty limited. My family was a family of carpenters, taxi drivers, postal workers and a few teachers here or there. That's what I knew. So as a smart, ambitious kid, I had to shape a vision where I understood that education was important, I knew I needed to get good grades, go to good schools, and be something that sounded good.

That was my thinking and that led me to Harvard Law School and to practice at a firm. And when I got to the end of this rainbow of checkboxes, there was no pot of gold. I hated it because I hadn't spent time thinking about what mattered to me, because sometimes that's what school makes you do, the path of doing the right thing makes you just keep going. And I chose law because I got a good response from other people when I said I was going to be a lawyer. It was like, oh, okay, that's good. They like you to be a lawyer, a doctor, maybe a scientist.

There are a handful of things you can be, and I picked one, and I got a good response from my family, but it didn't reflect what I cared about, and then I met this guy, Barack Obama, who was kind of hovering all over the place. the world, and he was a community organizer. What's that? What does it mean to help other people? You mean you were working in my city. You're from Hawaii, but you're working on the south end of Chicago in a community I didn't know really existed, and you're making a change? And all I do is drive south and make a lot of money.

I need to explore myself. So, with some changes and rethinking, I started working for the government. I was in a non-profit organization. And with each job I earned less money, which bothered my mother a lot. She says, "I don't really even understand 'your strategy here.' I made less money but I was happy, I felt purposeful and it made sense to me, and I would love to mentor young people. I love working. With young people, I loved helping young people to see a bigger world than I saw, because my vision is like if I can't see it, I will help them see it, so they can build a bigger life for themselves because many children around the world are like it. me or less.

They just know what they see and it's like, wow, if we can open this, open these minds and show kids everything they can be, and everything the life they can have, wow, that's the job of. one life. So I guess that way of thinking is the beginning of the Obama Foundation concept, because Barack and I had to think about what we did our time, we did our years, we tried to make changes, we did what we could, one. kind of formal environment, but we are still young. So what does it mean to continue our work? us sitting in the seats of leadership forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever.

It means we work to find a way to replace ourselves, and that's where you come in. Because if we can take the little that we learned and help them, and a lot of that help means that they can get to know each other. other. I mean what you will find in this field, yes, these are nice conversations, you will go to some workshops, there will be conversations and you will learn some things, and we will learn a lot more. of you than of us, but the truth is that you are all getting to know each other.

This is the community. This is a supportive community you need to get the job done. And if we can help facilitate that, because we can get donors like, all the people in this room are going to write huge checks and facilitate the creation of a community among all of you, so that they replicate in your communities, and so on, and in . Well, that's a lot more powerful than Michelle or Barack Obama still making good speeches and being seen, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Power comes from multiplying around the world, so that there are thousands, thousands, millions and millions of people and communities everywhere doing good things, making change, changing the conversation, creating positive energy and telling the truth and building a job real and sustainable.

That's how change happens and that's the vision of the Obama Foundation. - Amazing. (Audience applauds) And so we've talked, to some extent, about perseverance, courage and perseverance, but what about knowing when to let go? They asked one of our leaders from the Philippines and he said that as leaders, we know that we have to fight hard for our causes and our communities. As you said before, it's a long and arduous struggle for many people, but when is it okay to let go? Because as far as I know, the world tells us that letting go means you failed.

And nobody wants to fail. It's about achieving and moving forward. And so on, but there is a sense of when to let go, when to leave something behind, and maybe some battles aren't worth fighting. - Well, but that's the all or nothing mentality we struggle with, especially in communitiesprogressive. It's almost like if you didn't win, you lost. But the truth is that these changes are moments of victory, right? So it's not that you give, but when you say that even the small victory is worth it. So no, you won't go. So accept the fact that you may not see any results from the work you are doing in your lifetime.

Just assume that. Just assume that what you are doing won't help you, maybe not even your children, but it will help your grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. I mean, that's how our parents were taught. My father didn't like keeping a job in the city for his entire life because he was happy about it. No, no, what he understood was that his investment in that shitty job he had, getting up every day and going to work was not for him. It was for me. He did it for me. So my dad has the attitude that I'm not happy, I don't make much money, I don't own my own house, so I'm going to quit, right?

I would not be here. I am his legacy. So what I want everyone to understand is that every topic you work on is worth it. Your expectation of what change will look like may be a long-term vision. So you're putting markers. All you do in the life of someone you work with is leave a marker. And if your goal for success is no, we have to win, then you're going to be disappointed. That's where we get nowhere. It requires commitment. Change is always incremental. And if you don't accept that and you can't accept it in this job, then yeah, why bother?

But how do we achieve change if we don't do it little by little, little by little? We are still not where we need to be in the United States of America when it comes to race. People thought that electing Barack Obama would cause racism. (scoffs) (audience laughs) Is that 400 years of things that were going to be eliminated because of this kid from Hawaii being eight years old? Are you kidding me? We plant a marker. We made a change. We create a vision of something different. Can we fix everything in eight years? No. Were we ever going to do it?

No. Who thought that this is how changes happen? Where do we get that from? So I want all of you to get that out of your mind, because you better give up now. If you think you need to win, if the reason you do this is to win and not to be part of a bigger, longer solution, then go make money. That's how you win, you win a lot of money and then you can measure it and say, "I won." And I guarantee that that won't make you happy. You will only have numbers. I don't know, I could go on and on.

Starting to rant. Julia, stop me. - Well, it's very good, and it really is, because we've had longer conversations about this kind of thing. It's hard. You want to have the victory, you want to have the success, you want to be able to leave something and say, "We did this." But every day, just because you can't hold it in your hand, every day you have something that you can say: "We did this. "I did this." And going back to the beginning, if it's just that conversation. with a young person or among you guys after all of this, because I'm sure you're going to have a lot to talk about when you walk out these doors, just to have the depth and the truth, and really look at each other when you have those conversations, believe in each other and.

They encourage each other, those are the victories. Those are the incremental things that you can check off and say, "Okay, I made a new friend or someone told me something." "That's going to make me better at my job tomorrow." .That's the little things. Because it won't be the big parade. They say, "Oh, yeah, we'll do a parade for you." That won't happen, unless you're an astronaut. - And now that doesn't even happen. - It doesn't happen anymore. - We were talking about that. Your friend was in it, he was in space. - He was in space.

I went to high school with a boy who is an astronaut. -Where is his parade? -Yes. He was in space for about a hundred days. A long time, yes. -You don't even know what his name is? Let's give him some credit. - And so it is! Coming to the end of our session, it's been a quick hour. I know you would want me to continue throughout the day, right? As a final question for our 200 Obama leaders here, people who have so much power. Hold on, can we talk a little bit about the kind of right, ethical leadership that our world desperately needs right now, that maybe we're not getting, and how people like these people here today can get started, even start small?

We talked about starting small but thinking big, how they can play that role in their lives. - It's a great question. - Yes, ethics, asking Americans about ethics right now. (laughs) Yeah, just let it wash over you. Yes. I think my way of thinking is very small in a beautiful way, and I think no one would be here if they didn't have integrity, a compass in their heart and a moral compass. You wouldn't be in this room if you didn't have those things. And there are bigger things in the world that try to wear them down or spin those compasses where you can't see where north is anymore, and it's just being there for each other that we're lucky enough to have moments like this or we have a person like this one that reminds us of all the things we stand for and are doing right in the world.

And again, I guess it's just a small gesture, you can't think that one gesture is going to change an entire system, our entire culture, but it can change the space that you're in, and that's why I'm in is just changing the space, be part of the change, benefit from the change around me. That's all, and keep your fingers crossed. That always helps me, but that's what it is. They are the delicious little tidbits of truth. Be as honest as possible all the time and surround yourself with people who want to hear the truth. And then, together, they create the greater truth. (Audience applauding) - Thank you.

And finally, Mrs. Obama? - You said it perfectly. Each of you knows what is right. Most people do it. That's why these rooms feel good. Because you go out into the big bad world and you see people stumble and do things wrong or not follow the rules and get away with it, and you feel unfair. Justice sometimes feels absent in this world. But these moments remind us that the truth of humanity is that most people wake up every day trying to do the right thing. That's why the world works. Because if it were so chaotic nothing would be happening.

But most people do hold on to the belief that people are fundamentally good, which is what I try to do. I just try to block out the noise of all the things we see going wrong and remember that fundamentally people wake up in the morning, trying to do the right thing, loving their families, going to work, trying to be productive, loving your family. neighbor. They are following those principles in life. This reminds us of that, that we are not alone, that the world is not always so big and bad. It can be cruel and unfair at times, but the only thing you can do every day is wake up and live by the values ​​your parents taught you.

Be honest. Tell the truth. Operate from the truth. Know your story. Understand the context of the world. That's important for the work you do. You have to know what is happening to know how to move forward, so as not to make the same mistake. That's why history and context are important. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Empathize even with your worst enemies. Put yourself in their shoes, understand what they are afraid of, what makes them angry, what motivates them. Know that for yourself and live life with compassion. Just be compassionate. Those are all things your parents taught you.

And I have discovered that if this is how I live my life according to those principles, then the answers will come. But like Julia said, I don't think you guys need that lecture, because you're here in this room and you're working hard. So trust your instincts and don't get discouraged, because we can't afford for you to get discouraged. You are next. We are tapping and we are connecting to you, and what we want you to do is lead with compassion. When you lead, do us that favor, replicate the values ​​you feel here in the work you do, in the staff you manage, in the people you encourage.

Stay tall. Stay high, because going down never works. It's never like that, but you all know it and that's why we're investing in you. So good luck and God bless you all. (Audience applauds) - Thank you so much for sharing your truth with us today. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. - And I have to say, sitting here on stage with the lights bright, their smiles really light up the room. And the energy that comes through you is wonderful, it is beautiful. Thank you so much for being a beacon for people around the world and for shining a light on others. - We are proud of all of you. - Thank you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Michelle Obama and Julia Roberts. (audience applauding)