Marrying Your Opposite: My Husband is a Delicate Flower | #marriageproblems

We are just friends who hurt both physically and emotionally. Repaired light. Welcome to marriage problems. uh our new series where we discuss things we've been through in hopes that it helps all of you. Kind viewers and this specific series marries you. opposite because we're opposite in every way possible except we both like food and really good food depending on the day we both like our kids we always love our kids but you know listen to it this one real life, let's talk. about when

your

husband

or

your

spouse is a

delicate

little

flower

, but for a little table, Alicia, tell us a little about your experience.

I'm not a therapist, I'm not a therapist on this channel, my experience is in commercial construction, degrees in architecture. Ocean Management and I spent a solid decade in that field before you knew it, we connected well, we never listened, so I really loved the world of commercial construction and I know from the way I look at it that you automatically jump to that conclusion : You look like someone who manages the work You have that look That's the look I have My mom used to say about me when I was little that I'd rather hit you than look at you Let me study all your movements, yes, study this, so this is my tenacity , um, and my confidence in who I am, and my autonomy, and loving myself, yeah, and standing up for you and my direct nature, yeah, I've always come honestly, have you ever seen Dances with Wolves?

Yeah, so the woman he falls in love with when her house was raided or they actually came to rescue her after her house had been attacked, but she thought they were coming to attack her and called her stance with a fist, right, she's like that. small. girl who stood there with a fist ready to pop someone, yeah, she gave someone the first black eye, yeah, well then yeah, then my brother would be mad because, you know, boys tend to pick on girls , I'm not really someone you mess with. um I know I've never tried, yeah I may be an idiot foreigner but I'm not stupid so I was 11 when I gave this kid a black eye who wouldn't leave me alone and you know he kept pushing.

He knocked me down and pinned me to the ground and I said, you know, stop or I'll hurt you and he did it a second time and I said, stop or I'll hurt you, so he did it a third time and I gave him a black eye and my older brother is so embarrassing because of the way you always hit other kids. I've never hit a girl, okay, and he says it's so embarrassing, and at 11 years old, when he said like that, it's so embarrassing, I thought, well, if you were a big brother and protected me, I wouldn't have to hit the boys. boys, so my mother was very happy when I bought a bullet bike, she was not happy and my friends, most of my friends throughout my life, were boys. because that was my personality that's where I fit in I was a tomboy I played street hockey I played basketball all these things right this is this so we're you and then I sang Les Miserable at a church talent show that tells you everything you need You know this well, I mean, I cry in romantic movies.

I was bullied and picked on a lot when I was a child. I never got into fights. They just hit me and I love romantic songs. And I mean, I like action movies and there are things about Me, which I'm definitely more traditionally masculine, but overall, I'm the woman in our relationship. Hey Light Menders, maybe you are overwhelmed by life, the expectations of others and your responsibilities, it could be that you are not sure how to do it. make your life or your family's life work the way you want and you feel unable to change any of it.

We heard it loud and clear. That's why we've designed a low-cost mended living membership site to give you an affordable self-guided option for trauma recovery, emotional health, and stronger relationships, you'll get access to courses like closeness through conflict, connecting with personality types , couples foundations, family advice, love languages ​​and beyond, how to blend families, hope after divorce, growing through grief, healthy dating, creating the life you want and many more, all of these courses are available or will be available coming soon to the membership site with a new course every month. Additionally, each month Alicia and I host a live Q&A with members where we answer your burning questions about trauma recovery, how to have healthy relationships and how to improve your mental health and we have a book of the month club where you can join us as we read and then talk about a different book to help us throughout our growth and healing and did I mention the giveaways each month that we select winners from? among our members free mendelite merchandise gift cards virtual lunches with Alicia and I vacations cruises and more sign up for your mendelite membership today with no registration or cancellation fees why wait to heal why wait to feel brave and whole start now by clicking Next to that and just like most of your friends are guys, yeah, and that's where you fit in personality-wise, most of my friends are women, right, and you came into a predominantly female field, yeah, and I entered a predominantly male field, and that's how I remember it.

Once we had been married for a few years and Alicia was invited to an all-female party. Was it a Christmas party? It was a Christmas party. It was like white elephant gifts and I don't know, but it was like a ladies' night out. kind of thing, except somehow you didn't get that note, you show up with me, they're a group of women and Alicia brought her

husband

and no one batted an eyelid. There were like two women there that didn't know me and like uh and the other women were like John was just one of the girls, he's my social buffer or has been, I think so now, yeah, but for the first decade of our marriage you were my social buffer and I thought I would never have gone to a Christmas Party with a group of women without you because that would have been overwhelming for me, yeah, does anyone watching this relate?

Okay, yeah, masculine energy, masculine energy, feminine energy, and when we got married, one of the first things I said to Alicia was as a closer, she wasn't being mean or rude, at least, but I took it to mean that Mina I was rude, because a closer talking to another closer would be just plain speaking, but to a healer it's like you're being too direct and you're just being I mean and I said, I said, you can't talk to me like you talk to those construction workers, I'm you.

delicate

little

flower

you have to handle me with care he often laughed and that became like that it became a big thing that was that that was how we communicated and if I was ever too concise or direct you would say delicate flower, I would say okay, I have this soul now I sing thick skin.

I remember having that conversation a few months into our marriage and you really tried, yeah. you really tried to be so delicate and thoughtful and thoughtful in the way you phrased things, try to phrase things correctly and I can't tell you how many husbands I've heard say this about their wives, but you would say this about your husband no matter how you put it. Whatever you expressed, my feelings would be hurt, no matter how you expressed it, it's my Liquid Quiver and my eyes were filled with tears somehow, it's like learning to speak a foreign language, yeah, right, yeah, it's like, well , how could I?

I say this differently and it's like I literally have no idea and then you'd say well you could have said it like that and I'm like that makes sense, I would never have thought of that and then you come up with a brilliant idea. As I remember, you came up with the solution, um, which was listen, I'm always going to be frank, I'm always going to be direct, it's who I am, I'm always going to say what I think, but I recognize that normally and frank and say what I think about things that don't work for me or things that are problems or things that bother me and I can be just as frank and direct about the things that I love and about the things that I appreciate and so in our case like I thought I wanted you to be kinder and say the different things it turns out that what I really needed was to feel that you respected me and didn't see me as an idiot you never called me an idiot like that but that's how it was I was taking it from where I was coming from and that lens through which you saw our interactions was the lens with the one that you had gone through your previous life experiences correctly, so it was not just your interactions with me but your interactions with Anyone who has ever felt this way is right and it would arise in that moment of being triggered, so I think about the five to one from John Gottman, for every fi for every negative interaction, you need at least five positives for every time there are reviews. o I withdraw everything o bother there has to be at least five I love you o I appreciate the use o simply o physical connection o quality time o where someone feels loved and uplifted and respects the positive interaction the person receives yes well as if they were positively interacting with you in a way that this is the way I receive love so I do it for you that is not the same and it is not yes because you were giving me love and positive interactions but it was not according to what I needed right, and you know that affirmation is everything to me, that's why I love reading your comments, uh, but talking about experiences like the way you were raised, the way your family was, you showed a lot of love to each other, but not so much verbally and such and such.

Like if things were said verbally, it was mainly to point out things that were wrong or that needed to be corrected and then if you did what you were supposed to do, it was like a big shout, right, yeah, what do you want? A metal, no, the house. I grew up in uh my parents were successful at a lot of things one thing that could have been more supportive um was if praise was given if verbal praise was given the home I grew up in was a very transactional form of love it was very conditional it was I love you always and when you do well the things you are supposed to do well.

I praise you as long as you do the things you're supposed to do and it was actually okay. I praise you if you go above and beyond or are exceptional, like you're not being praised for simply doing what you're responsible for, and to be clear, I have no doubt that your parents felt unconditional love for their children, but the love is expressed correctly and that's why the mess The message is correct, no, I show you love if you go further, right, and so, it feels like love is conditional. Then you changed your game and started giving me more praise, more gratitude, like not just thinking about everything.

How sweet, but actually saying that is very sweet of you, that kind of thing and that brought a great balance, it did and something that I really admired about you and have always admired about you is your ability, let's see, keep going, it's your ability to be happy and grateful and kind no matter what and when we talk about personality types um one of your strengths is being content the way you are, you're happy no matter what's going on, I'll say okay, yeah, right, and that level of treating the content like there's a level of love and acceptance and you're fine and I'm fine, that's expressed by just being that way and the other side of the coin is that there's not as much drive because you're happy. , yeah, there's I don't drive to make things better because I think this is good, this is good and you know, if you go back and watch one of our previous videos where we talked, you know our challenges and how we overcome them, and you know how complicated it is. in between and things like that and you said you know maybe maybe or I wish I could have been the stay at home dad and I wish I could have supported you in pursuing your dreams and I said you know no matter how hard that was.

It taught me that you know, if you want, it's a refiner's fire, it was kind of a refiner's fire for me and in our interactions, um, the first few years that we were married, I would feel frustrated and it seemed like the anger would come out not really. you did it Look at me mad until we were married seven years and we don't need to talk about it. Um, I've had scary experiences in my life. Well, I just remember telling you from the beginning: I'm sorry I got so angry and you say. When did you get mad and I said like five minutes ago when I said this?

That's what you look like Matt. I say yes and you say oh okay and then me and then and then you. You said you've never seen me angry. I see you angry many times and you say that it's not angry, that it's just angry and I think that seven years later it was like letting go of the crack, yes, yes, anyway, that's not the point. what we're talking about right now um no, but I remember we had interactions and I was feeling frustrated and communicating his frustration with you and you were happy and content and I was like God, how can I? do that like how can I be grateful and show love and acceptance no matter what I'm going through? um because that's not something I didn't even know what that looked like that was completely foreign that didn't exist in the home that I grew up in I was right and that's why I really wanted that and I focused on that and when we had disagreements, I still I got angry and angry and thought: how do I do this?

And you know, life circumstances have a way of cultivating. In you what you are looking for if you allow it and I rememberbeing pregnant with my fourth pregnancy, our third together, it was our second girl. I get worse with girls so it's really miserable, that was the worst, yeah that was by far the worst. Your business was new, we were both doing everything we could, I was practically non-functioning and if you've seen any of our other videos, I'm a chronic overfunctioner, so I can't even function as a chronic overfunctioner. The official and I had a great time. part of that pregnancy laying on the couch feeling worthless because of course my worth was tied to my achievements and I couldn't do much of anything other than simply exist and you would do your best. that you could do all things and I was very grateful and you were happy, you were happy to be serving.

I was so in a place of personal devastation because I couldn't function because I was so sick and you would. Don't schedule any clients until 10 or 10:30 because morning sickness is worse in the morning, don't worry it lasts all day but it's worse in the morning so you would stay home and get the kids ready for the day in which you would get them. breakfast, you cleaned up after breakfast, you left the office, it was about three and a half minutes from our house, you left five minutes before your first client, I would get out of bed, I would trip over the couch, I would lie down on the couch barely conscious but completely miserable.

I watched the children play in the family room. I would get up and make them an amazing lunch of macaroni and cheese or peanut butter and jelly because and then because I couldn't stand upright. for so long without throwing up, so you know, I would have to, you know, throw up in the sink in the middle, like this is real life, guys, this is real life. I would feed them, I would clean like I didn't like them like me. I would put the dishes in the sink and then we would all take afternoon naps, we would all take afternoon naps and then they would wake up from their naps and maybe we would be awake for an hour before you came home and that's what it seemed like.

Like for almost nine months, right, um, and I was like it didn't matter what you did. I was just grateful and I get home, prepare dinner, clean the kitchen and stay with the kids. to bed and I would rub your feet with oil, you would watch the show and you would fall asleep immediately, yeah, it was like it was a very difficult period, but as brutal as that experience was, it taught me a lot of things, but one of The things they taught me were just to be grateful because no matter what you did, oh, because it was never going to live up to how you would do things right and you'd say, "I'm glad." someone is doing it, yeah, and for me that was always the gap between the way you would do it and the way I would do it, that's what I struggled with, was the gap and being and being so capable and so and so I had in that.

I knew this point because I was a closer and I knew what I valued and what was important to me, but I realized that I tied my value to my accomplishments and that's why I felt so worthless because I literally couldn't do it. I couldn't do anything, but really I could only create life, it's not a big deal, grow a human being like that, you know what an achievement it is, but other people can do it without stopping functioning completely, right, but It's in the comparison, yes, comparison is a thief of Joy, yes, that's what you usually say, yes, that we stole each other's Joy, right, yes, and as brutal as that experience was, it taught me a lot and after coming out of that experience I was able to be grateful. for you and what you did and not just for yourself but for other people too, yes, which was as difficult as I logically tried to get to that end.

I couldn't do it without experiencing that really hard experience, yeah, and we all had those really hard experiences, so what I learned from you about this and I think it's the conclusion of this series of

marrying

your opposite and all the funny stories and all the funny stories we share along the way is that you have to find that balance. between being true to yourself and growing for your partner, and you go too far in either direction on that and it will be catastrophic. What happens if all you do is grow for the other person and you just miss out, right?, your desires, your desires.

I mean, honestly, I think that's what was happening with you for a long time, was that you were putting yourself in the background and I was asking Slash to let it and think this is okay, you know, and what happens? when you lose resentment. build the right resentment build the anger and then you well and I realized that it was a form of self-betrayal, that what I was doing was betraying myself and, conversely, if you go too far in the other direction, it's I mean, I wasn't defiantly and consciously saying that I refuse to change, but emotionally I would like to take baby steps toward change and say, "Wow, good job, the net change was almost zero, okay, and what we both realized account is for you, those insecurities, those fears that you had.

You spent your life running away somehow it became the most important thing in our marriage right, they came before me yes and that was not the intention no that was the result and I also compare that if you tie a rope around yourself and a giant ship anchors and you dropped the anchor of the ship on the ground and you start running, yes, you are moving forward little by little, you are exerting a lot of effort to advance very little, yes, because you are held back by the anchor and, to me, the anchors. It was the doubts, the limiting beliefs about what I couldn't do, what I could and couldn't do, the growth I could and couldn't achieve and that's why I would tell you: look, I'm trying so hard, I'm working.

I am moving forward with so much force that you want from me and you say as if I were still in the same place I was because it is not enough change and the reason is because no matter how much effort I made I was Anchored by that fear, and I had to let go of that fear to be able to start really moving forward. The most important conclusion will be different for each couple, but you can't lose yourself in a relationship that you set out for yourself. In a relationship you have to find that balance between being true to yourself and making changes and growing for your partner and the other side of the coin is that we need unconditional love and acceptance as people, we need to accept and love our partners as they are. they are better at the same time we also have every right to say this is what I need for us to have a relationship one of the best things you told me was that nothing is wrong with you is what you told me nothing is wrong with you you don't have to change You are good just the way you are I am talking to you about a need that I have or needs that I have that you as you are now are not capable of meeting and if that is the case, it is okay, we just have to call it what it is, it is a relationship that is not going to work, but if it's going to work, you don't have to change.

No, it's not an ultimatum, but this. It's something I need and I thought it was a beautiful way to express it because I was stuck for so long in my head I'm not good enough I'm not enough for her I'm not you know this and all these fears and the moment you told me you're great just the way you are, yeah this isn't about you not measuring up, it's about whether we can work together or not, and that's an honest conversation to have when you're married to someone who's the opposite talking about my insecurities. uh and the problematic behaviors that cause let's lie and lie I'm so excited why do we lie why do we lie uh that's okay and Lang is A coping mechanism and we all do it yeah yeah we've all done it don't judge me it's Okay, but let's talk about why we lie, how it damages our relationships, and how to live with total and complete honesty. join us for any of you to marry a delicate little flower where are you a delicate little flower?

We love flowers, you are beautiful just the way you prance with the bouquets, tell us what that experience was like and how you manage until next time, keep shining. We need your foreign life.