Lessons from Mom: How to Help a Loved One with a Mental Illness | Sarah Mikulski | TEDxHarperCollege

When I was 17, one night I was in my room working on my trigonometry homework when I heard two sounds that I will never forget, the first was the sound of a knife being pulled out of the knife, hold it in the kitchen and the second was my voice. My father said Linda, no. I ran to the kitchen and found my parents fighting with a knife and I called 9-1-1, the police came and luckily no one was hurt, but the next day my mother was gone. This was the first of many. The psychiatric hospitalizations that followed turned my life upside down that day.

My former Girl Scout troop leader, Roo, mother, doll clothes, silver song singer, story reader, my mother had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it was not very clear if she had been suicidal or homicidal. From last night to this day I still don't really know what I do know now is that I was sadly unprepared for the years that followed and no one at the time gave me any advice on how to

help

my mother. I wish someone had my talk. Here today is what I wish someone had told me when I was 17 so it wouldn't have taken me 20 years to learn what I learned through trial and error.

I hope that maybe it will

help

some of you save a little time and a lot of time. hard

lessons

these are my

lessons

from my mother, first of all, accept the situation, take a deep breath, it will help relieve the panic you may feel because you just found out that someone you love, maybe a parent or child, has a brother or your spouse. Having been diagnosed with a

mental

illness

,

mental

illness

is still quite stigmatized in our society and is rather taboo, so when the topic comes up we often feel very uncomfortable talking about it, but if we want to help, we need to talk. and help, we can, please don't feel like.

There is nothing you can do. I assure you yes. I know life may seem very upside down right now and you may be tempted to pretend that nothing has changed and everything is fine. Do not do it. This denial doesn't work and can have serious consequences, secondly, reach out. Don't keep this a secret, find allies and develop a support network for you and your

loved

one. I remember one time my mother was being hospitalized and I was very worried about her, my parents were already divorced at the time and I was her primary caregiver, she was being paranoid, unreasonably difficult to work with.

I didn't know what to do, so I turned to a neighbor who is now one of my best friends and told her about my situation even though I was nervous about doing so. It turned out that she had a sister who had been suffering from mental illness, severe mental illness for years, and at the time I didn't even know she had a sister, so you'd be surprised how many people there are in your exact same situation. In fact, according to Nami, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five Americans will suffer from a mental illness.

That is, 43 million Americans in a given year, one in 25, live with a serious mental illness. If these figures are surprising, it is because they are not enough. People talk about it hopefully, however, it would also help me to give you some comfort knowing that you and your

loved

one are not alone, so once you accept the situation, reach out and develop a support network. What else can you do? Obviously, not all situations are like this. It's going to be the same some people want the initial psychiatric crisis to be over they may be fine for years others however may suffer for years there is a wide spectrum of experience when it comes to mental illness however there are some general rules that I recommend following If you really want help your loved one, first make sure your help is requested.

You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. I learned this the hard way. It has to be a two-way street with which you must communicate clearly and kindly. with each other about what kind of help they want and what kind of help you can give them, this will not always coincide, but it is necessary to reach an agreement or a lot of pain will follow, remember even if you see them suffering and just want to make it all better not you can live your life live their life for them even if you think you know best how to help them you shouldn't listen carefully to what they really need and what they really want from you you can be surprised and if you don't listen carefully you might miss it and one thing What they may want and not ask for is complete reassurance of your love for them throughout the process, because mental illness can bring difficult times and can cause real damage along the way.

After all, sometimes you remove all those filters of politeness and consideration and all kinds of things they might not say in their healthiest moments come out whole, raw, unsoftened, sometimes paranoid and often painful. That's why mental illness can be deadly in relationships and that's what drives me. For the next point, if you want to help a loved one with a mental illness, you have to develop a thick skin and not take things too personally. I can't stress this enough, try to watch their verbal attacks when they come as they probably will. signs of an illness symptoms of an illness just as you would a fever or rash use them to help you determine when they may need more important support or intervention Don't jump in and argue that they are being unreasonable, especially if in fact they are being unreasonable, but Go ahead and try to see the opportunity here too, because they have no filter, you can get to know them more deeply than someone who is completely healthy and can always keep their emotions a secret.

In this process, you may even learn to connect, learn a thing or two about yourself that no one else would be willing to tell you, but you will only reap these benefits if you learn to weather the emotional storms that may very well be headed straight for you because you love them and they know this, and this makes you a safe exit and sometimes a closed target. Of course, you should never tolerate any physical abuse from anyone, but verbal abuse can arise in a time of emotional distress and is up to you. You choose how to see it again.

I recommend that you try to see it as a warning sign, a cry for help, and don't take it too personally. Stay safe, but try to forgive these moments if you can. I think these are the same moments. Most of the time they take people away from their loved ones with mental illness. I know I was initially taken away from my mother first across the country to go to college and then across the world to the Peace Corps. It turned out that physical distance didn't really help matters much, but when I learned to accept her emotional storms as part of her condition and to listen to her and calm her with love during them, even when it was difficult, even when unfair things were fed, things began to turn around. surprisingly easier and we grew a lot. closer, in fact this technique would usually help her calm down better than anything else, so what's another way to help financially?

Of course, for the first 10 years after my mother's initial diagnosis, she did quite well with medication and therapy and was able to. Working full time and living independently over time, however, certain things began to become overwhelming, keeping track of finances and paying bills on time could be a challenge, especially if she had had a manic episode and became I had gone shopping, so I offered to help. manage her money and she agreed that I would bounce her checkbook, these are not the old days online, thank you, pay your bills and budget your money so that you have enough funds left to pay for your medications each month, we were joking saying that I was her CMA her mother's CPA this joke made it a little easier to talk about help she didn't always feel comfortable receiving it from me humor can be a powerful tool in this situation I eventually got a power of attorney for property to be able to make financial decisions for her and yes, money management is a concrete way you can help sometimes, however this is not enough financial assistance, about five years after I became her, it seems that my mother He called one day and told me I can't stand the stress of work.

Also, I retired early, well this was a big deal because she had retired so early that she was only going to receive $300 a month from her pension, so in a fit of exasperation I told her, "I give up, you're alone." I answered well. After all, she was about to marry me. She had my own expenses and bills to pay, but it was not surprising that two months later I found out that they were about to be evicted from her apartment. Not know what to do. I asked many people. advice family friends coworkers even the social worker priest at my church and here is something I learned that many people who care about you and think you are taking on too much when you try to help a family member with a mental illness will tell you .

It is not your responsibility to let her be evicted becoming homeless it is your own fault she made a selfless and selfish decision they will be trying to help you you may even be tempted to listen but it is very possible that they are completely wrong only you know what decisions to make I can live I remember one day I sat on my bed thinking what the right thing to do was and I calmed down a lot and it became very clear that the only thing that seemed right to me was to help her as much as I could and so my My fiancé, another family member and I began to pay her rent every month and searched everywhere for resources that could help too.

A small miracle happened about a year after we had started paying rent, she received a Social Security disability income and because I applied immediately, she received an entire year's back pay and that covered the entire time. that we were helping her and she used that money to pay back every penny we had given her, so yes, if you love someone with a financial mental illness. It is very possible that problems will arise and you will have to decide what you can do and what you can live with. I recommend expressing yourself with generosity and kindness if you can.

I also recommend that you look for financial resources that are available but sometimes difficult to obtain. I found my mother and I discovered so many things that we made a booklet about all the resources we discovered called Linda's Guide to Government, a list of resources for people in need, and we gave copies of this to everyone we had. I asked for help from someone who didn't know where to point us. In addition to finances, another area that can be affected when someone has a mental illness is relationships. You can help here to be a sounding board when problems arise, help smooth things over with family and friends. educating them about the condition of their loved ones with their permission, of course, another area that may be affected is cleanliness and personal hygiene.

This may not be an area where they will always admit they need help, but doing laundry, litter boxes, dishes, can be overwhelming when you are in the middle of a deep depression and your neglect can lead to a mess that makes even more difficult to get out of a deep depression, so if you can, if you have the time and the energy, you can consider helping with some of these things or hiring a regular cleaning service if you can afford it, the most important thing is that you want to develop a close enough connection that you can easily determine when your loved one may need additional intervention or support over time.

My mother and I developed the daily check-in system. I would call her in the morning, say hello, and see how she was doing that day. This system one day saved his life. You see, one day I called her and she was terribly upset and she said that she had had enough. She had already finished and hung up. upstairs, she didn't answer when I called her, funnily enough, luckily her best friend is part of the support network we had developed and lives right next door, so I called her and asked her to go see my mother, she had a key to her apartment, so she went there, picked the lock and opened the door, but the chain was on, however, the door was open enough for her to see inside and see my mother slumped in her chair and He opened the door and called the paramedics after finding the suicide note and empty pill bottles nearby.

If she hadn't developed a close enough connection, journaling system, and support network, my mother would have died that day because I could have. to have her stomach pumped in time and, although she was a little upset when she woke up and realized that she had not been successful, she was given another chance, one that ultimately led her to be grateful for that opportunity and for the therapy, medications and life experiences. That led her to find some peace and happiness and even have the opportunity to meet her grandson, my son Frankie, as well.There is a lot you can do to help a loved one, but don't forget to take care of yourself in the process.

One may be able to draw strength from you, but one may need to draw one's own strength from somewhere else. Yoga Qigong Tai Chi Meditation Mindfulness Therapy I Tried Them All Yoga was my saving grace to the point that I got certified to teach it without yoga. I don't think I could have helped my mother as much as I did. You will need to find your own outlet to handle the stress and worry that comes with helping someone with a mental illness. You also need to educate yourself about your condition. Learn about your medications and their side effects know the names of your doctors and therapists make sure you are familiar with your condition and consider taking na Me's family-to-family course.

This is a free 12-week course for family caregivers of people living with mental health issues. illness and will teach you even more about how to care for someone who suffers from mental illness. So yes, there is a lot you can do to help a loved one and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it when my mother died of cancer five years ago, we both regret not having had the opportunity to write together our story of how we had I learned to work as a team to help keep her healthy, which in turn, because I loved her so deeply, helped keep me.

Well, instead I offer this talk today in honor of my mother, who taught me not only how to love but also how to help a loved one with a mental illness but how to love unconditionally. I hope that in your travels you learn to do this faster. Thank you for listening to my talk about my proud past with my mother. I hope it helps you have a stronger future with your loved ones. Thank you.