LACKADAISY (Pilot)

ROCKY: Old River! It seems too austere a name for something made of joy and rage. Oh, turbulent vein of the river of red blood. If the main trait of yours is age, you are a cunning and complicated savant. Is “old” what to call what rings in the spring heart of Western tradition? Which brings us daring kings made of myths. And a preponderance of error type things. To challenge the titans come first! O demiurge, to attempt Avalon once more? And what august vitality in your broad aortic torrent. You must have had to oversee the alchemical change from wooden beams to iron, bricks and steam engines!

Thy dark whiskey waters cast the sober and proud sovereignty of temperance with a defective halo and wither its self-assured countenance; Yes, justice is vanity. But sport is for imps, not for old people. So if there is a name for the migrant mass of veteran frivolity that meanders through seas of meadows and summer sassafras forests; A name that flows mischievously like wild waters, fast and free. It's your real name: Mississippi. IVY: Ahem! It's very clear! You forgot us down here. ROCKY: Encore? No encore? IVY: Please, no. No, that's enough. PECA: Okay. We're ok. Um, should I add a dance?

ROCKY: Additional verses? There's more where that came from! Please don't ruin musical theater for everyone. Anyway, I'm not sure the lookouts should make such a fuss. IVY: Why don't you come down here and grab a shovel? ROCKY: Oh, Miss Pepper. I was cursed, cursed with these spaghetti arms! So I do what I can. I provide the a-! I provide the environment. Baby-Face provides the muscle. Look at him digging his way to martyrdom, the ambitious little one! Now, how about a little rhapsody in G minor for company? Good! If you're not going to help us work, you'll also have to act as a dirty rag.

PECA: Rocky? ROCO: Ah! FRECKLE: I think cu- IVY: Is that it? ROCKY: Well, if not, we'll have to do some awkward explaining to the family of, uh... Herman Hapfamschfeel? What was that? Did you hear something? It's all these restless spirits! ROCKY: We're invading their territory. But you can't do anything about it, you fighting demons! FRECKLE: I wish my mom was here. That? Blasphemy! That force of nature would stop us in our tracks. I know. Oh, sin. Don't tell me you're not having a good time showing off your shoveling skills to the hotsy totsy here. ROCKY: Begorra!

For a moment I thought it was your mom. That's why you don't irritate people and dig graves and commit sacrilege and ROCKY: Calm down, cousin. The spirits are all repressed. A hundred years ago, Burke and Hare were in much worse trouble. And things turned out well for them. FRECKLE: N-they didn't hang them? ROCKY: Details, Peca. Details. Now show me your crowbar skills. Oh, thank the saints. Ah, liquid gold! Dionysian delight! Better yet, Canadian whiskey! ROCKY: I think we should hurry up. IVY: I'll start the car. ROCKY: Whiskey in the jug. Uh, leave the headlights off. I can't be too careful.

Good. We have been very discreet until now. PECA: Oh, huh. Oh, damn it. ROCO: No! ROCKY: Don't let that slip away! Miss M can't spend a drop! Murder! Where is that spotlight when we need it, Miss Pepper? ROCKY: Well, now the spirits are afoot. PECA: Wait! I have it! I have it! ROCKY: That's my foot! That's not what I meant! PECA: Well, I can't see! ROCO: Ah! There is! PECA: Oh! For! ROCKY: Y-you! PECA: Let go of me, Rocky! ROCKY: Oh! PECA: Hey! Ah! Lower! Ah! Excuse me hehe! IVY: SERAFINE: Ah! NICODEME: IVY: Looks like we have some live tonight.

SERAFINA: Yes. C'est bon. The chase is the best part. Enters! Come in, come in, come in! MORDECAI: Let's not drag this out. This is a trivial matter. We have other matters to attend to. Yes. But none of this is as fun as this is going to be. Hmm! We cannot let competition go unchecked. Even small varmints have a way of rotting. Allons! Where did you learn to drive like that? I did not do it! ROCKY: No? IVY: Learn to drive! Well, you're so bad at it that you've confused the enemy! Well done. Keep confusing! Keep confusing!

Now we need a performance from you, torpedo boy! Ah! No no no no! ROCKY: Yes, yes, yes! PECA: No, no! Do not be modest! I, I, I g- I, um I... Play a symphony. IVY: Holy Simoleon! SERAFINA: No! IVY: What's going on back there? SERAFINA: Okay. That-? NICODEME: I guess this is the bait. Oh no, stay with me! NICODEMA: Hoo. SERAFINE: NICODEME: SERAFINE: Wow! I think I swallowed a bug. Do you have a big fat baby for dinner? It's not fair. No. Just more glass. Deeply unprofessional. Well, they got more firepower than I expected. But do you want to take charge of driving there?

No. Especially now that you've taken away our windshield. Oh. Don't you like how we play? How about you stop watching and participate, cher? Or do we have to worry about you getting sentimental about the old days? PECA: Now what? Now what? Brakes! Gyaah ha ha! ROCKY: Come back here! Turn to the left! Ivy: What? What turn? ROCKY: Hang up, Louie! Left hook! IVY: Let it go! ROCKY: Sinister! Port! IVY: There's nothing left here! ROCKY: Use your imagination, Miss Pepper! IVY: Damn! Rocky! I can not drive! IVY: Wow! Oh, is it time to play now? Do you think we are safe?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. It was not my intention. It's just that there's a fire. A burning fire is inside, huh. In the engine compartment eh c! IVY: PECA: BOTH: IVY: The radiator! IVY: Hot, hot, hot! Ooh! Oh, the world is full of magical things! I just need a ticket to travel. CARNIVAL BARKER: Go ahead! Get your tickets! Get your popcorn! Watch the world's most idiotic stuntman ride an elephant through a flaming fire glove... IVY: Well, I'm almost out of sleeves and ideas. ROCKY: IVY: The engine is still too hot! I don't even know if this... Did you say there was a gun around here somewhere?

There is always one wedged into the seat. IVY: Well, I guess it's a weapon. BOTH: Oh! I'll push them away. You start the car. Please. This will take longer if you spread them out. What happened to you that made you hate fun? MORDECAI: I'll take care of that. MORDECAI: Disable the vehicle. Raspberries! AHA! IVY: Hello. Ah! IVY: PECA: No. No, no, no, no! No! MORDECAI: Four, five, six. Oh! NICODEME: IVY: Bonsoir, mes amis. ROCKY: What the hell is this? Daughter, that's eleven kinds of stupidity! The circus suddenly comes to town! ROCKY: The giant and the clown with a top hat.

Come, gather, gather everywhere. Watch them rain fire! Serafina! IVY: PECA: IVY: What's going on? Rocky. ROCKY: Oh! You can brandish your whip and your chair, ROCKY: but the circus train is a burning tear! ROCKY: Said the clown with a bold air: “We will make our three rings anywhere!” Howl! PECA: Rocky! Come on, mud bug! Oh. We have to run! Oh, do I still have my eyebrows on? Eh yes. Aces! Here, Sin. I bought you a souvenir. ROCKY: You're supposed to turn it on first. NICODEMA: Hoo. BOTH: SERAFINE: Nico! My brother, help me up. Cher, you seem disappointed.

MITZI: “And although in the end scrutinized, scandalized and worried about the depleted finances…” Hm. Known history. “–Miss Duncan also leaves behind a legacy of accomplished artistry and bold innovation.” Tied with a scarf. The comic ending that constitutes tragedy, right? Speaking of tragedy, we got a former supplier back. The funeral home. Still, it's not the same without you. And that feeling that all this was ours. Before we could enter with a whole convoy of trucks. Now we're just digging for remains. Well, as inappropriate as it may be, Atlas, that's my signal. See you below. Miss M! Horatio.

MITZI: The door, darling. HORATIO: Oh! Good. MITZI: WICK: How's the weather, ma'am? Oh well. The difficult business of business. You could certainly be of some help. Except I'm supposed to be a pillar of the community. Baron of industry. WICK: Upright citizen, you know? ZIB: He said, leaning over his illicit drink. Oh thank God. He wasn't sure you were alive. Zib! Shouldn't you be on stage playing? Pft. For whom? That kind? What about you, Wick? Shall I serenade you personally? Hey. Once you've had a few more illicit drinks, perhaps. I guess I could use one of those too.

Victor? Viktor, I know it's an adjustment, but the waiter has to look like someone to whom the customer can tell their problems. More of a confidant. Less forensic. MITZI: Try to smile, honey. We will work on it. ROCKY: Boom bada dum bada boom boom boom! PECA: Hello. ROCKY: We all did it! IVY: I drove the car! PECA: I'm sorry. ROCKY: We did it! FRECKLE: On the carpet. J.J.! J.J.: I'm sorry. MITZI: Well, look what the Mississippi spit out. Miss M, you seem... uh... ...surprised. Rocky, honey, you are nothing more than an exhausting and incomprehensible surprise.

Thank you! This was supposed to be the real McCoy. Let's see if that's the surprise. Well, it will certainly start your engine. ZIB: That is, it exceeds the radiator fluid. WICK: What's that aftertaste? Hmm. Crisp, full-bodied, um, reminiscent of oak wood... WICK: Coffin varnish! VIKTOR: Yeah. We can call it, uh, "Sunset Rose Cocktail." Rose cocktail at sunset? That sounds good! Psh! You have no idea what I went through to get this. I have a very good idea. Hmm! Sophisticated flavor. So. Isn't it bad then? ALL: MITZI: Better than getting shot. Still, is this all we get for our money, baby?

It looks like you've bathed in the rest. Well, I could probably get a little more out of my coat for you. Was there a minor incident? ROCKY: Incidents. The tastes of what? ROCKY: Oh, just some spent ammo and... Desecrated graves. Fractured signage, minor flooding, lots of structural damage. Uh, we may have also fostered a deadly rivalry along the way. But dynamite and heavy machinery are wonderful solutions to problems. Hey, old friend? Dynamite? What dynamite? And the car is fine. I fixed it! Also, you'll be happy to know that my violin came out unscathed. J.J.: MITZI: I know you did your best, honey, but we can't keep running into the red to bring in a lean...

J.J.: MITZI: W- what I mean is, ah, I don't see how this, uh... ALL: J.J.! Did you know? I'm glad you and your violin are back, darling. We could all use some music right now. I mean, besides J.J. Well well. Come on kid. How about we lighten the mood? Uh, about the dynamite... ZIB: WICK: ...and the machinery. WICK: Can you elaborate? ROCKY: Mr. Sable. WICK: Uh, sure. Health. IVY: Come on! You owe me a dance. ZIB: Something in 4/4, Mozzie. PECA: Yes? IVY: Yes! I have decided. IVY: Do you know the Charleston? FRECKLE: No.

IVY: The Lindy Hop? FRECKLE: No. IVY: The roundabout? Jingle Jangle? IVY: Hoopty noodles? FRECKLE: I have a head injury. IVY: I'll show you. IVY: You just have to put one foot there IVY: and another there. And then move one foot over here. SECRETARY: Hotel Maribel. SECRETARY: Manager's office. MORDECAI: MORDECAI: Connect me to Mr. Sweet, MORDECAI: please. MORDECAI: Unfortunately, we digress. MORDECAI: The vehicle has been disabled and, MORDECAI: in general, the evening has not gone as planned. ASA: Let me see if I have that right. ASA: The ruthless and infamous ax Mordecai Heller is calling me to ASA: ask for a ride?

Yes. ASA: However, Mr. Sweet. It seems- ASA: What-what am I, your dad? It seems we have a more considerable problem on our hands. ASA: What? Did someone mess up your hair? Do you have something dirty on you? Actually yes. But more importantly, one of our suppliers appears to be doing a double deal. To the Lackadaisy stragglers of all things. They are clumsy and likely to attract attention. With the feds in town... ASA: Yeah, that's a real risk. And I can only avoid so much heat from higher ups before this whole city starts burning. Oh, those dragons.

After some thought, MORDECAI: It seems worthy of our attention. At that very moment. It's time to tie up some loose ends.