Julia Louis-Dreyfus Acceptance Speech | 2018 Mark Twain Prize

Thank you! (laughing) Thank you very much. Thank you so much! Thank you so much. Okay, sit down! Thank you! Thank you so much. When Mark Twain first emailed me about the Mark Twain Prize, I must admit that I completely misunderstood him. I figured I was being asked to honor someone else who was receiving the Mark Twain Prize, and I thought, "My God, what a bother." I mean, seriously, who would put me through this? I have to go all the way to Washington DC, which, no offense, is a nightmare, and make up flattering things to say about how funny someone else is.

No way. (Laughs) And then I re-read the email and realized, "Oh, it's me! They're giving it to me! I'm getting the

prize

!" And my attitude about the whole thing changed, it really changed. I don't know, honestly! (laughter, applause) I really don't know what I was thinking, this is a great night and a great honor and in beautiful Washington DC no less! Anyone would be lucky to be a part of a night like this honoring someone like me, right? (Laughter) As a great admirer of Mark Twain's work, I was very sad when I recently learned that he had died. (Laughs) My thoughts and prayers are with the entire Twain family, especially the wonderful Shania. (laughter, applause) Unfortunately the President of the United States couldn't come tonight either, even though he lives in the neighborhood Monday through Wednesday. (laughter, applause) I'm very lucky to have been on television doing comedy for over 35 years, isn't it ridiculous?

The really ridiculous thing is that I'm just as good at drama. Yes, I'll tell you a little story, it's a little trivia, the same week I was cast in Seinfeld, I was being considered for the juicy little role of Portia in director Sir Peter Hall's Broadway production of The Merchant. from Venice apparently I didn't get the role as someone else eventually played the role on stage and, you know, of course, I'm glad I didn't get that role because if I had, I would never have played Elaine. on Seinfeld, and without Seinfeld I wouldn't be here today, so you know it worked out great, totally fabulous, no regrets, none at all.

None at all. Anyway, I think it's time I really thank you. Abbi and Ilana, thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule just to make it completely clear that I had a great audition for The Merchant of Venice, okay, I mean, speaking objectively now, I made it, okay, so I'm a bit confused as to why Peter Hall didn't choose me. That's all, that's all. Obviously I'm not upset because I love comedy and I love my career. Uh, so, um. Where was it? Oh yes yes yes. Keegan! OMG Keegan Michael-Key! Thank you so much for being here for my special night look.

Sir Peter Hall may have made a mistake. Well? My audition was Portia's

speech

on mercy, you all probably know the scene, I mean obviously I'm NOT going to perform it now, because it would be a pretty strange tangent to hear Shakespeare performed intelligently and energetically in the middle of a tribute to the comedy. For me like this, ahem. Kumail, thanks for being here. It's so inspiring that she was able to opt his wife's medical ordeal for an Oscar nomination. (laughter, applause) Bryan Cranston, you are a truly unparalleled talent and it's a pleasure to work with you, you know when I think about us on Seinfeld, um—look, I'm just going to do it.

You want to hear it, right? I can do Shakespeare, okay? (laughter, applause) (clears throat) The quality of mercy is not strained! Fall like gentle rain from heaven on the place below! He is TWICE blessed. Bless the one who gives and the one who takes! (laughter, applause) Thank you. Thank you. And Stephen Colbert, my Northwestern classmate, thank you so much for being here, you were my hero every night when at 11:35 a nation turns its lonely eyes toward you, woo-woo-woo. (laughter, applause) Stephen used to play a manic conservative, and now he plays a depressed liberal, THAT'S rank, ladies and gentlemen.

It's great to see Lisa Kudrow here, setting me up like the old days, when Friends created Seinfeld, and like the old days, Jerry's, she kept all the money. And my dear, dear, sweet Tony Hale. If I weren't already married and Bryan and Keegan weren't married and if you weren't married, then I would definitely know your opinion of any guy I dated before I married him. (laughter, applause) And Tina Fey, you are a comedic genius whom I admire above all humans. Tina was also honored with the Mark Twain Award, you know, before they got really serious about who they give these things to.

And thanks to my wonderful neighbor Jack Johnson, I was going to make a joke about Jack Johnson, but for the love of God, can't something remain sacred tonight? and finally my wonderful friend, Jerry Seinfeld, I learned a lot from Jer over the years, mainly the importance of hard work. Jerry committed suicide so Seinfeld would be good. He and Larry David worked so hard, in fact, it's impossible to describe it, and they didn't just do it to make the show a success, because once it was successful, they worked even harder, and I hope, I hope. a little of that rubbed off on me.

I grew up here in Washington DC during the quaint, old-fashioned "rule of law" period. (laughter, applause) Being funny was a big part of growing up, my great-grandmother Bessie was the first person I remember telling jokes. She was in her 90s and I was very young, and she did these extremely repulsive impressions of her first grade teacher having life-threatening seizures, at least I think it was an impression, anyway! Anyway, now I realize it was offensive and she was out of line, but when she was 5, very funny stuff! My mom and dad got divorced when I was 3, it's also really funny!

In fact, my mom is here tonight with 80 of her closest friends. (laughter, applause, cheers) Last year, I was lucky enough to get an Emmy Award for my performance in VEEP, which was an incredible thrill and set sort of a record for the most Emmy Awards given by anyone for doing one thing. or another, and then about 12 hours later I was diagnosed with cancer – another hilarious turn of events! I'm only half joking, of course cancer is no fun, but a big part of dealing with it has been finding funny moments. The old cliché that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true, which is good because that's what the current administration is trying to replace Obamacare with. (laughter, applause) When I was having my horrible chemo, I would put a bunch of family and friends in this little treatment room with me, and we would actually laugh a lot, of course, I was heavily medicated and I would come in and I would be unconscious, so it was probably a pretty easy audience, but my point is that laughter is a basic human need along with love, food, and an HBO subscription.

There is no situation, none, that does not improve with a couple of laughs, everyone needs laughs. So the fact that I have had the opportunity to make people laugh for a living is one of the many blessings I have received in my life. (applause, cheers) According to Wikipedia, I have two sons, Charlie and Henry. You know, when you're a working mom, you really worry about the time you spend away from your kids, you do your best to be there as much as possible, but the truth is you miss things and you worry that they'll get ruined and suffer all kinds of things. of angst and neuroses when they grow up and then you will get the Mark Twain Prize, I must say it is worth it! (laughter, applause) I would also like to recognize my dear husband Brad Hall, who I did not marry simply because his name sounds like Peter Hall and I felt like he was getting the part.

Brad never fails to show up at events like this. He puts on a suit, smiles, and is the most supportive and present spouse in the world. Thank you. (Laughs) Thank you very much, dear Brad. Thank you. And finally, thank you to Mark, Mrs. Twain, and everyone who participated in this exhausting evening. Thank you very much, good night and thank you. (applause, cheers)