Jordan Peterson: Why Do Nice Guys Nice Finish Last? (MUST WATCH)

If you ask an unpleasant person what they want, what they say, or what they want, they will tell you right away. They know. It's like, "This is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it." But

nice

people, especially if they're really

nice

, are so nice that they often don't even know what they want. Because they are so used to living for other people, figuring out what other people want, and trying to make them feel comfortable, etc., that they find it harder to make sense of their own desires as they go along. life.

And that's not... Look, there are situations where that's advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to build a career. That just doesn't work at all. And so, although on average men and women are not-this-not-not very different in terms of their levels of friendliness for the group, if you go out and look at the extremes, they are very different. So all the nicest people are women and all the most unpleasant people are men. And the thing is, it's often the extremes that matter, rather than what's in the middle. And one of the ways that is reflected in society, by the way, is that there are many more men in prison and the best predictor of personality when being incarcerated is having low agreeableness.

It makes you numb. Now you might be thinking, "Well, what's the opposite of compassion and courtesy?" And the answer is: I think it's best conceptualized as a trading game. So let's say we're going to play repeat trading games. And if you are very nice, then you will negotiate more on my behalf than on your own behalf. Whereas if you are unpleasant, you will do the opposite. You're going to think, "I'm in this trading game for myself and you're going to mind your own interests." Where a nice person is going to say, "No, no. Best case scenario, this is...

Worst case scenario, this has to be 50/50, but I'd like to help you in any way I can." One of the things you have to be careful about if you agree is not to let yourself explode. Because you will line yourself up to be exploited. And I think the reason is that you are programmed to be exploited by children. And that just doesn't work very well in the real world. And one of the things, one of the things that happens very often in psychotherapy, you know, people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons, but one of them is that they often come because they're too nice.

And what they get is so-called "assertiveness training." Although it is not precisely assertiveness that is being trained. What it is is the ability to learn to negotiate on your own behalf. And one of the things I tell nice people, especially if they're conscientious, is Say what you think, tell the truth about what you think. There will be things that you will believe are unpleasant and harsh. And they're probably nasty and harsh, but they're also probably true. And you need to put them in the foreground and get the message across. And it's not easy at all because nice people don't like conflict.

You are welcome. They soften the water. You know, when you can see, you can see why it is that way, according to a hypothesis I've been putting forward. You don't want conflicts with babies. It's too dangerous. You don't want fights to break out. You don't want anything to disturb the relative peace. You know, and if you're also more likely to be hurt, physically and maybe emotionally, you might also be reluctant to engage in the kind of high-intensity conflict, which would solve problems in the short term, because a lot of Conflict: it takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term.

And, you know, if that can become dangerous, which it can if left unchecked, it may be safer in the short term to keep the water calm and not dive into those situations where conflict arises. The problem with that is that it's not a very good medium and long-term strategy, right? Because many times there are things you have to talk about. Because they are not going to disappear. And the advantage of having a well-socialized unpleasant person is that they don't really let anything get in their way. So if you can socialize a child who is unpleasant, that person can be a great creature, you know?

Because they are very... They are very progressive by nature and very difficult to stop. But if you don't manage to tame them, tame them, generally speaking, when they are four years old, their parents will reject them. And that's a big deal because your job as a parent is to make your child socially desirable by the time he's four years old. You have to... You want to burn that into your brain because people don't know that. That's your job. And here, here's why, it's easy, if you think about it carefully. So imagine you have a three-year-old child in the middle of that initial socialization period.

And you take that kid out in public. Ok, what do you want for the child? Who cares about you? What do you want for the child? You want the child to be able to interact with other children and adults, so that the children are welcoming, smile and want to play with him or her and so that the adults are happy to see him or her and treat him or her appropriately. And if your child is a horrible little monster because you're afraid to discipline him or you don't know how to do it properly, what is he going to do?

They will experience nothing but rejection from other children and fake smiles from other parents and adults. And then you are throwing the child into a world where every face he sees is hostile or lies. And that's not something that's going to be particularly conducive to your child's mental health or well-being. If your child can learn a couple of simple rules of behavior like "Don't interrupt adults when they talk too much" and "Pay attention" and "Try not to hit other kids on the head with a truck more than absolutely necessary necessary" and, you know, "Share" and "Play correctly".

Then when they meet other children, the children will try some small play routines with them and do well and then they will socialize with each other for the rest of their lives. Because that's what happens. It is that from the age of four. Primary socialization with children takes place among other children. And so, if children do not join so early, they do not enter that spiral of upward development and they are left behind. And you can imagine how terrible that is, because a four-year-old wouldn't play with another four-year-old who is two. But a five-year-old certainly won't play with a five-year-old who is two, right?

Because the gap is starting to get incredibly large. And so kids start out behind and then their peers leave them behind, and then those kids are alienated and out of the peer group for the rest of their lives. Those are the ones who grow up to be antisocial in the long run, right? They are already aggressive. It doesn't get to the bottom. Now, what about normal

guys

, generally speaking? Let's imagine that aggressive two-year-old types are socialized, so their level of aggression decreases. And then they hit puberty and testosterone kicks in and bang! Aggression levels rise again.

And that is why men are criminals between the ages, approximately, of 16 to 25 years. So when it matches the creativity curve, by the way, it's great. If you look at the peak of creativity among men aged 16 to 25, it begins to decline. Crime fits perfectly with that. That's great. So and part of... So, testosterone levels raise the average level of aggression among men. It's actually more dominance than aggression, and testosterone isn't all bad. And then it starts to taper off around age 25 or 26, which is typically when men stop staying up late at night, stop drinking as much, develop full-time careers, and take on the burdens, responsibilities, and opportunities associated with a long working life. term couple and family.

And then... Well, that's the development of what I would call predatory aggression. Because I also think the distribution of kindness is probably something like predatory aggression versus maternal friendliness. It's something like this. So, if you look at other mammals, they are predators, because we are predators, as well as prey animals. If you look at other animals like bears, the male bear has absolutely nothing to do with raising babies. In fact, the bears would keep the male away because he would likely kill the babies and perhaps even eat them. So there is no maternality in solitary male mammalian predators.

It's really helpful to research the views of people who have opposite views to yours. Because they will tell you things. Not only will they tell you things you don't know, but they will also tell you how to see the world in a way that you don't. And they will also have skills that you don't have and that you could develop. So, for example, if you are an introverted person, it is very useful to observe an extroverted person, because the extroverted person has ways of being in the social world that are not natural for you, that you can use to improve. your tool kit.

And if you're unpleasant, one of the best things you can do with unpleasant people, especially if that is to keep them away from other people, for example, because you can, you know? People treat you like you're a selfish, arrogant son of a bitch. Maybe it's because you are. It's like- Ok, so what do you do about it? One of the most promising treatments - let's say for that - is to get the person to do something for another person once a day, just as practice, and learn to do it. Maybe you can wake up the circuit, you know?

If you think it's latent in you, it's probably true. You know, I think we have a very wide range of propensities within us. Some are activated: genetic propensities. Some are on. But I think if you put yourself in the right situation or do the right exercises, you can activate some of these other things as well. But it also requires work, dedication and discipline. I would say that, generally speaking, if you want to adapt properly to life, you should find a niche in the environment that corresponds to your temperament, right? You should not work for purposes contrary to your temperament, because it is too difficult.

But once you've done that, you should work on developing the skills and insights that exist in the space opposite your personality. Because that's where you are fundamentally underdeveloped. Now, I think you can extend your temperamental capacity to a wider range. And to me that pretty much equates to bringing a more complete set of tools to every situation. You know, if you're hyperextroverted, you should probably learn to shut up at parties once in a while and listen just to see what's going on, to see if you can handle it, you know? And if you're an introvert, well then you should learn to speak in public, and learn to go to parties without hiding in a corner and not saying anything to anyone, you know?

And if you are nice, then you need to learn to be unpleasant, so that people can't pressure you. And if you are unpleasant, you need to learn to be nice, so as not to be an evil son of a b- So, and the same applies even in the conscientious domain. It's like you're too conscientious and you need to learn to relax and let go a little bit. And if you're not aware, it's time to get out Google Calendar and start scheduling your day, right? And hit yourself in the back of the head with a stick until you're disciplined enough to stick with something for a while.

And not live in absolute misery, which is something that would characterize someone who is very messy, for example, because they simply don't realize it. They don't mind the mess. It's like... Maybe you can see it, but it doesn't have any emotional overtones. so it has no motivational meaning. Now, the other thing you might also want to think about if you're choosing a partner is to try not to choose someone who is too distant from you in terms of temperamental variables. Because you're going to have a hard time closing the gap, you know? It is difficult for an introvert and an extrovert to coexist.

And it's very difficult for an organized person and a disordered person to coexist because they drive each other crazy. "Why do not you answer?" "Why are you so obsessed with it?" That's the basic argument, you know? Therefore, it is useful to know your temperament to be able to negotiate a space with your partner, and also the other way around. And I don't think you should try to find someone who is exactly like you. Because then you don't have the benefits of the alternative point of view. But you have to be careful because irreconcilable differences of various types can be found.

And I've seen that, particularly between couples who have a lot or a little openness, that's a difficult situation. And also highs and lows in conscientiousness, that's another difficult topic. Because they simply can't see how the other person sees the world at all.