John Oliver Takes The Colbert Questionert

Hello, welcome everyone, you already know. One of the best things about doing the show is getting to talk to all kinds of fascinating people. It gives me the opportunity to meet celebrities without the hassle of having to dig through their trash. In fact, we here at Olato have even created a method that goes beyond the traditional interview to reveal my guest's true inner self. It's called the Colbert Questionnaire, and it's a series of 15 scientifically designed psyche-probing questions that today's psychology once called, Please Stop Contacting Us. I recently had the pleasure of administering the quiz to some of the biggest names in entertainment like John Oliver, did you know that underneath that vapid dreamy exterior and those washboard abs, he's got a brain too?

It's true, you have to take a look at it. I'm here with Mr. John Oliver, right there, I'm here. also and his beautiful uh um final space I don't know purgatory that's nothing yeah, it's just a beautiful nothing an absence of something it's a tofu environment of which he is the only salt and uh I love talking to you, you know, I want to have you It's a pleasure in this, we always go on too long, it's always like you say, it's hell for our editors, but the only problem is that I see you mainly this way because people didn't know that we didn't actually know. we crossed paths on the daily show we are friends uh certainly i knew your work you knew what work and we would know we would see each other in the crossover episodes but I don't really know you as well as I would like and we have been trying to have dinner with each other and our wives we were almost there there, we were so nervous that we were there and then we coveted success and we had to cancel, so no, I don't really know you as well as I would like, but I have a way to work it out and when I ask you these questions, they will penetrate your soul and they will reveal you not only to the world but to yourself.

Are you ready to be known as you are known? luckily I'm British so I've built quite a wall around any sense of thought or feeling but I've got it let's see what your wrecking ball of questions can produce okay John Oliver yeah what's the best sandwich? sandwich well, that's a good question, that's why it made it to Cold Bear's quiz. I would say my favorite sandwich is as crispy as possible, the bacon, okay, as sweet as possible, the tomato and, uh, I think I would, you know. what i would probably take a wawa blt a gas station blt so not only are you a sandwich lover you're a gamer my wife loves wawa it's her absolute favorite thing and one of the first valentines I had with her I thought there is no wawa in New York, so I rented a car to take us to the nearest wawa, which was somewhere deep in New Jersey.

I remember talking to the driver and telling him that we were going to this place on Valentine's Day and he honestly said. I'll do this, are you absolutely sure that this will be a surprise that she'll like because what you're describing to me sounds terrible and she was happy, she was absolutely delighted, we even bought her a sandwich, she said, look, this is it. what he's excited about and he said and I quote, that's fine, but you know, in a happy marriage it's great if most of the days are fine, yeah, that's right, us the night we got married, uh, uh, evie and I, my sister Mary told us, look, she took it. us to the side and she said look you two, she's very short look you two, she said there's this and there's this what you want is okay, what's the one thing you have that you should really throw away?

I won't do it. I am not going to do it. I have the last concert before Covert Hits that I ended up going to. I was doing stand-up in San Francisco and Brooks Wieland and I, who was the opening act for me, went to San Francisco the night before our show. We went to see the Grateful Dead because they were playing there and we bought a Grateful Dead bomber jacket and competed for it in mini golf the next day. I will never wear this jacket. I live in an apartment in New York, so I don't have space for that.

My wife has tried to throw it away three times and I will never let it go. I'll be buried in that jacket. Okay, next time you show up, if you could wear that jacket, I'd really appreciate it. He made what is the scariest animal. Honestly, I'm sure you'd probably go with him. You know, that's the obvious answer, which is something like a shark, which you think is dangerous. Pangolins are terrifying. Because? But they have scales. They hide in the ground. I understand. what they are giants, the next pandemic that inflicts on us may well come from a pangolin, they are incredible vessels for diseases, okay, okay, apples are always the pretty ones, yes, the pretty ones get you, yes, apples are oranges . apples this is right because you can put peanut butter on an apple because you can put peanut butter on that might be the most American thing I've ever heard you say yes you can put peanut butter on an apple of course that's fine really yes , you're using an apple as a spoon, so yeah, oh, okay, a slice actually, as long as you have a slice, I'm not saying dip the whole apple in it.

I'm not an animal. Okay, first time my wife went. to England, she said, "I can't believe how little peanut butter you have on things here, yeah, turn it around, that's how I feel, but you know what would make your meat pies better, well, peanut butter, do you?" Have you ever asked someone for an autograph?" oh yeah, when I was a kid, yeah, footballers ian rush uh, I used to go to you know what I remember. I loved my Ian Rush autograph so much that I carry it with me in my wallet to this day. Wow, but I remember, I remember being uh kenneworth road, which is the luton ground watching Liverpool play against luton when I was a kid and there were players coming over uh and the lewton goalkeeper andy dibble uh was uh which is a cartoonish name in english uh but uh andy dibble was walking down this line of kids uh and he was saying do you want to ask for an autograph? and he said to me do you want an autograph? and I said no, I don't want a different person's autograph and he looked hurt and I actually remember the look.

In Andy Dibbles there are so many names of footballers that I have forgotten, but I remember the names of Andy Dibbles because when I was a child I think that was when I realized that I have the ability to inflict pain on an adult. I hurt you. I'm hurt and I did it, I became a deadly dibble destroyer. By the way, you could have made that whole story up. Nothing of that. It was dropping, you know, the tone with the looting and the dibblers and like ah uh. -Eh, yes, that's 100 true, yes, yes, okay, what do you think happens when we die?

I mean, I hope to have hope for some peace. I don't have religion, uh uh, in the way that you do. I just hope the end of life is that feeling you get when you sink into a chair after a long day, that would be nice too, or right before you fall asleep for a nap, that feeling when you swallow, as well as the sheets. I just came to find you, oh you described it, that's inducing panic, what you just surprised me, I'll take the chair, okay, favorite action movie, I don't know if I have a favorite action movie that I say no to, oh yeah , action, please tell me.

Tell me, uh, uh, you lack a certain hyper-masculine aggression, it's just that you exude the great escape, come on, the great escape, nothing that's an action movie, in that case, I have one to save Private Ryan, I guess it's a movie action, but it's Sad action movies aren't supposed to be sad, the hero is supposed to win, oh please, unless there's an internal sadness or at least a feeling that I'm not interested, okay, then Your favorite action movie is My Dinner with Andre, you can. I'm not saying there isn't linguistic pyrotechnics involved, I'm sure there is exactly brombo rovopolitika it's a very delicious potato soup okay favorite smell uh asphalt I like it I like the asphalt before it spreads or the creosote when you pass by a freshly creosoted fence.

Oh wow, that's a that's a that's cheap that's cheap tall okay least favorite smell uh not very good flat egg foamy oh foamy come on, treat yourself, let's have a party, treat yourself, you've got a song to listen to for the rest of your life, what's wow for the rest of my life, yeah, yeah, yeah, so okay, okay, so there's something you can't get enough of, so I don't know, but you have to choose it now. Ashes to ashes, David Bowie, okay, there's so much going on there. If you get tired of that song it's your fault I'll buy it I'll buy it what number I'm thinking 42 is not right describe the rest of your life in five words describe the rest of my life from this point I have no idea John Oliver congratulations you're known to me sorry seen

john

oliver

everyone thank you

john

thank you john

oliver

when we get back jane fonda shows you how to turn an apple into a bong so kids, it's time for you to leave the room and go get your parents some fruit you