John Mulaney Monologue - SNL

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JOHN MULANEY ♪♪♪ THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S EXCELLENT TO BE HERE PRESENTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE". MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY. IF YOU ARE AT HOME AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, SORRY. I'M LIKE LOUIS FARRAKHAN, IT MEANS A LOT TO A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE. IT'S A LEAP YEAR SATURDAY, AND I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO HOST EYE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ON A LEAP YEAR SATURDAY. THAT'S VERY EXCITING. YES. I'M ALSO THE FIRST PRESENTER TO DO THE LEAST BETWEEN THE SECOND AND THIRD HOSTING TIME I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING COMING UP I'M HERE TO PROMOTE THE MONTH OF MARCH, IF WINTER HAD SPRING IF YOUR FATHER IS BETWEEN 60 AND 75 YEARS OLD ARE THEY SO EMOTIONAL MY DAD HUGS ME SO TIGHT THAT SOMETIMES I THINK, IS ONE OF US THERE?

ABOUT TO DIE AND MY DAD HAS NO FRIENDS? BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE FRIENDS, AND THESE ARE NOT YOUR DAD'S FRIENDS. WHY DO NONE OF OUR BABY BOOMER PARENTS HAVE FRIENDS? ALONE. I'M NOT A DAD, BUT I WATCHED ONE GROWING UP AND HE WENT INTO A ROOM, HE WANTED TO BE ALONE AND READ ABOUT WORLD WAR II GETTING READY FOR A WORLD WAR II QUIZ. TO ALL OUR PARENTS ACCUMULATING $900,000 IN NORMANDY TRIVIA. MY THIRD THEORY, PARENTS ONLY THINK ABOUT MONEY. BUT IN THIS COUNTRY IT IS NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT MONEY, IT IS TABOO. A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE TOLD ME: "I would rather my wife die than go through a divorce." THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

LATER THAT DAY, I ASKED HER HOW MUCH SHE EARNED IN A YEAR. AND HE SAID, "Hey, that's personal." IT'S HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS WHEN YOU'RE A GROWN MAN. I THINK THAT IS THE MIRACLE OF JESUS, REALLY. HE WAS A 33 YEAR OLD MAN AND HAD 12 BEST FRIENDS, AND THEY WERE NOT THE HUSBANDS OF HIS WIFE'S FRIENDS, AND HE DIDN'T KNOW THEM A LONG TIME AGO AT SCHOOL. HE MET THEM AT THE AGE OF 30. 12 BEST FRIENDS. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOUR DAD WENT FISHING ONCE? HE AND HIS BEST FRIENDS WENT FISHING EVERY DAY. AND I WOULD DO MAGIC TRICKS ON THEM.

AND THEY LOVED EVERY SECOND. JESUS ​​DID MAGIC FOR HIS FRIENDS, UNTIL ONE TIME HE NEEDED TO DO MAGIC. AND THEN HE DIDN'T. HE COULD NOT DO MAGIC. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN DISAPPOINTING FOR HIS 12 BEST FRIENDS. DO THE CHAINS TRICK. I DON'T KNOW THAT. IT'S A LEAP YEAR, AS I SAID, IT STARTED IN 45 B.C. UNDER JULIUS CAESAR. THE LEAP YEAR STARTED TO CORRECT THE CALENDAR AND WE STILL DO IT TO THIS DAY. HE WAS A POWERFUL MANIAC THAT ALL THE SENATORS GRAB KNIVES AND STAB HIM TO DEATH. THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING INTERESTING IF WE BROUGHT HIM BACK.

I ASKED MY LAWYER IF I COULD MAKE THAT JOKE, HE SAID, LET ME CALL ANOTHER LAWYER, AND THAT LAWYER SAID YES. I don't want to dwell on politics, but I dislike the founding fathers immensely. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS, GOD HAS NEVER CREATED A GROUP OF MEN AS LARGE THAN THE FOUNDING FATHERS. YES, THE BULLS OF '92. THAT IS A PERFECT METAPHOR FOR THE UNITED STATES. WHEN I WAS A CHILD, AMERICA WAS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN IN 1992. NOW AMERICA IS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN NOW. THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE FOOLISH, BECAUSE THEY MADE THE CONSTITUTION AND NUMBERED IT, AND THE ORDER IS STRANGE.

THEY SAT DOWN, THEY HAD A PEN, THEY KNEW HOW TO MAKE A PEN, THEY WERE SIMPLY IMPULSED. NUMBER ONE, FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION, FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY AND FREEDOM OF RELIGION. NUMBER TWO, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE WEAPONS YOU WANT. NUMBER TWO? How about 17, 19? "NO! TWO! GUNS!" Alright, let's make it for two. IT SEEMS TO BE ANNOYING. VERY GOOD, AMENDMENT NUMBER THREE. "THE ARMY CAN'T LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE!" Okay, man, I think you're going through your thing in life right now. AND I'AM SORRY FOR YOU. I think a soldier is sleeping with your wife and you want to grab a gun and kill him.

BUT THIS IS A FOREVER LIST. We haven't even gotten to the basics, like it's time in the morning when you have breakfast. PUT THIS IN WRITING, THE ARMY CANNOT LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE. BUT DON'T WE ALL THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR THAT THIRD AMENDMENT? THE OTHER AFTERNOON, THIS TUESDAY, I WAS IN MY APARTMENT AND THE BUZZER DREAMED. AND IT WAS THE 101 AIRBORNE. AND -- THEY SAID: "PERMISSION TO LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE?" AND I WAS: "THIRD AMENDMENT." "GENTLEMEN, HE HAS INVOKED THE THIRD. LET'S GO OUT AND FIND ANOTHER HOUSE TO LIVE IN. WHICH WE DO." TO SUMMARY AND IN SUMMARY A VERY NICE THING HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR.

THIS IS REALLY LOVELY. A YOUNG GIRL FROM THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION MAKES HER WISH TO KNOW ME. I was flattered by that. I WAS ALSO CONCERNED THAT SHE WOULD USE HER DESIRE FOR HER ON ME. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO KNOW ME, I AM CLOSE. I AM ON THE 4/5 EXPRESS TRAIN FREQUENTLY AND THE 6. I TAKE THE 6. YOU CAN FIND ME. YOU NEED TO MAKE A FOUNDATION TO FIND ME. BUT HE WANTED TO DO IT, HE SAID, I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU SPEND YOUR DAY. I SAID OH NO, THAT'S EVEN WORSE. I WON'T WISH THAT ON A HEALTHY ADULT.

She didn't want her to sit there watching me eat SOUR PATCH KIDS and repeat gossip. So I brought her to the studio here. I BROUGHT HER TO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" BECAUSE I KEPT MY ID. AND I RAISED UP THIS GIRL, ELIZABETH. AND THEY WERE REHEARSING A BIG DEBATE SKETCH, THIS IS IN THE FALL. AND LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA WAS HERE. She was PLAYING JULIÁN CASTRO. YEAH. AND THE GIRL ELIZABETH SEE HIM AND SAID: "IS THAT LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA?" And I said, "DO YOU WANT TO MEET LIN?" I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS BECAUSE OF LIN OR LIN-MANUEL. AND I DON'T KNOW HIM.

BUT - I SAID, COME ON, COME ON. So, I say, "LIN-MANUEL, THIS IS ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH, THIS IS LIN-MANUEL." HE WAS VERY NICE TO HER AND TOOK A PHOTO WITH HER. AND IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL. AND WE WERE WALKING DOWN HIM THAT HALLWAY RIGHT THERE. AND WE WERE WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY, AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD SAY THIS." AND I SAID, "ELIZABETH, YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT." AND SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA WAS MY FIRST CHOICE." I SAID, "THAT'S FANTASTIC. AND I MADE YOUR WISH COME TRUE." TONIGHT WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

DAVID BYRNE IS HERE. Stay, we'll be right back. (APPLAUSE)