YTread Logo
YTread Logo

John Mulaney Monologue - SNL

Mar 04, 2020
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JOHN MULANEY ♪♪♪ THANK YOU. THANK YOU. MANY THANKS. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY. IF YOU ARE HOME AND DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, WE'RE SORRY. I AM LIKE LOUIS FARRAKHAN, I MEAN A LOT TO A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE. IT'S A SATURDAY IN A LEAP YEAR, AND I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO DO EYE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ON A SATURDAY IN A LEAP YEAR. THAT'S VERY EXCITING. YES. I'M ALSO THE FIRST HOST TO DO LESS BETWEEN THEIR SECOND AND THIRD TIME OF HOSTING. I HAVE NOTHING.
john mulaney monologue   snl
I AM HERE TO PROMOTE THE MONTH OF MARCH. MARCH, IF THERE WAS WINTER SPRING. MARCH. CLAP IF YOUR FATHER IS BETWEEN 60 AND 75 YEARS OLD. WHAT HAPPENS WITH THEM? WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM? THEY? ARE SO EMOTIVE MY DAD HUGS ME SO TIGHT SOMETIMES I THINK IS ONE OF US ABOUT TO DIE AND MY DAD HAS NO FRIENDS AND YOUR DAD HAS NO FRIENDS HE MAY THINK HE HAS FRIENDS BUT HE DOESN'T YOU MOM HAS FRIENDS AND THEY HAVE HUSBANDS. THOSE ARE NOT YOUR DAD'S FRIENDS. WHY DO NONE OF OUR BIRTH GENERATION DADS HAVE FRIENDS? I HAVE SOME THEORIES.
john mulaney monologue   snl

More Interesting Facts About,

john mulaney monologue snl...

ONE, THEY FORGOT. TWO, THEY WANT TO BE ALONE. DADS WANT TO BE ALONE I AM NOT A DAD BUT I WATCHED ONE GROW UP AND HE WOULD WALK INTO A ROOM, HE WANTED TO BE SUN OR AND READ ABOUT THE SECOND WORLD WAR. ALL OUR DADS ARE GETTING READY FOR A WORLD WAR II GAME SHOW. BUT IT WILL BE GREAT TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL SOME DAY AND SEE ALL OUR DADS PACKING UP $900,000 IN NORMANDY TRIVIA. MY THIRD THEORY, DADS ONLY THINK ABOUT MONEY. BUT YOU SHOULD NOT TALK ABOUT MONEY IN THIS COUNTRY, IT'S TABOO. A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE TOLD ME HE SAID "I'D RATHER MY WIFE DIE THAN GO THROUGH A DIVORCE." HE TOLD ME THAT.
john mulaney monologue   snl
LATER THAT DAY, I ASKED HIM HOW MUCH HE EARNED IN ONE YEAR. AND HE SAID, "HEY, THAT'S PERSONAL." IT'S HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS WHEN YOU'RE A GROWN UP MALE. I BELIEVE THAT IS THE MIRACLE OF JESUS, TRULY. HE WAS A 33 YEAR OLD MAN AND HAD 12 BEST FRIENDS, AND THEY WERE NOT HIS WIFE'S FRIENDS HUSBANDS, AND HE HAD NOT KNOWN THEM FOR A LONG TIME AT SCHOOL. HE MET THEM AT AGE 30. 12 BEST FRIENDS. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOUR DAD WENT FISHING ONCE? HE AND HIS BEST FRIENDS WENT FISHING EVERY DAY. AND HE DOES MAGIC TRICKS FOR THEM.
john mulaney monologue   snl
AND THEY LOVED EVERY SECOND. JESUS ​​MADE MAGIC FOR HIS FRIENDS, UNTIL THE ONE TIME HE NEEDED TO DO MAGIC. AND THEN HE DID NOT. FAILED TO DO MAGIC. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN DISAPPOINTING TO HIS 12 BEST FRIENDS. DO THE CHAINS TRICK. I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE. IT'S A LEAP YEAR LIKE I SAID IT STARTED IN 45 B.C. UNDER JULIUS CAESAR. THE LEAP YEAR STARTED TO CORRECT THE CALENDAR AND WE STILL DO IT UNTIL TODAY. HE WAS A POWERFUL MANIAC THAT ALL THE SENATORS GRABED HIM WITH KNIVES AND DEAD WITH KNIVES. THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING INTERESTING IF WE RETURNED IT.
I ASKED MY LAWYER IF I COULD MAKE THAT JOKE, HE SAYS, LET ME CALL ANOTHER LAWYER, AND THAT LAWYER SAYS YES. I DON'T WANT TO TRY MYSELF IN POLITICS, BUT I IMMENSELY DISLIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE GOD HAS NEVER CREATED SUCH A LARGE GROUP OF MEN THAN THE FOUNDING FATHERS. YES, THE BULLS OF '92. THAT IS A PERFECT METAPHOR FOR THE UNITED STATES. WHEN I WAS A KID, AMERICA WAS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN IN 1992. she NOW AMERICA IS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN NOW. THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE FOOLISH, BECAUSE THEY MADE THE CONSTITUTION AND NUMBERED IT, AND THE ORDER IS RARE.
THEY SAT, THEY HAD A PEN, THEY KNEW HOW TO MAKE A PEN, THEY WERE SIMPLE FOOLS. NUMBER ONE, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY AND FREEDOM OF RELIGION. NUMBER TWO, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE WEAPONS YOU WANT. NUMBER TWO? HOW ABOUT LIKE 17, 19? "NO! TWO! WEAPONS!" VERY WELL, WE ARE GOING TO PUT IT FOR TWO. IT SEEMS ANNOYING. OKAY, AMENDMENT NUMBER THREE. "THE ARMY CANNOT LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE!" OK MAN I THINK YOU'RE GOING THROUGH YOUR OWN THING IN LIFE RIGHT NOW. AND I'AM SORRY FOR YOU. I THINK, LIKE, A SOLDIER IS SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE, AND YOU WANT TO TAKE A GUN AND KILL HIM.
BUT THIS IS A LIST FOREVER. WE HAVE NOT EVEN REACHED THE BASICS, LIKE TIME IN THE MORNING IS WHEN YOU HAVE BREAKFAST. PUT THIS IN WRITING, THE ARMY CANNOT LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE from him. BUT DON'T WE ALL THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR THAT THIRD AMENDMENT? THE OTHER AFTERNOON, THIS TUESDAY, I WAS IN MY APARTMENT, AND THE BELL RINGED. AND IT WAS THE 101 AIRBORNE. AND -- THEY SAID: "PERMISSION TO LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE?" AND I WENT, "THIRD AMENDMENT". "GENTLEMEN, HE HAS SUMMONED THE THIRD. LET'S GO OUT AND FIND ANOTHER HOUSE TO LIVE IN. ONE THING WE DO." SUMMARY AND IN SUMMARY, THIS YEAR A VERY NICE THING HAPPENED TO ME.
THIS IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL. A YOUNG WOMAN FROM THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION MADE A WISH TO MEET ME. I AM FLATTERED BY THAT. I WAS ALSO WORRIED THAT HE WOULD USE HIS WISH ON ME. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO KNOW ME, I'M AROUND. I AM ON THE 4/5 EXPRESS TRAIN OFTEN AND ON THE 6. I TAKE THE 6. YOU CAN FIND ME. YOU NEED TO MAKE A PLAN FOUNDATION TO FIND ME. BUT I WANTED TO DO IT, SHE SAID, I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU SPEND A DAY. I SAID OH NO THAT'S EVEN WORSE. I DON'T WISH THAT ON A HEALTHY ADULT.
I DID NOT WANT HIM TO SIT AND WATCH ME EAT SOUR PATCH KIDS AND REPEAT GOSSIP. SO I BROUGHT HER INTO THE STUDIO HERE. I WOULD TAKE HER ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE BECAUSE I KEEP MY ID CARD. AND I'VE BROUGHT THIS GIRL, ELIZABETH, UP. AND THEY WERE REHEARSING A BIG DISCUSSION SKETCH, THIS IS IN THE FALL. AND HERE WAS LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA. JULIÁN CASTRO WAS PLAYING. YEAH. AND THE LITTLE GIRL, ELIZABETH, SEES IT AND SAYS: "IS THAT LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA?" AND I GO, "DO YOU WANT TO MEET LIN?" I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS DUE TO LIN OR LIN-MANUEL.
AND I DON'T KNOW HIM. BUT -- I SAID, COME ON, COME ON. THEN, I SAY, "LIN-MANUEL - THIS IS ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH, THIS IS LIN-MANUEL." HE WAS SO NICE TO HER AND TAKEN A PICTURE WITH HER. AND IT WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL. AND WE WERE WALKING DOWN THAT HALLWAY OVER THERE. AND WE WERE WALKING DOWN THE HALL, AND SHE WAS, "I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD SAY THIS." AND I SAID, "ELIZABETH YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT." AND SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID: "LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA WAS MY FIRST CHOICE." I SAID "he IS FANTASTIC. AND I GOT YOUR WISH COME TRUE." WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
DAVID BYRNE IS HERE. STAY AROUND, WE'LL BE BACK QUICKLY. (APPLAUSE)

If you have any copyright issue, please Contact