John Mulaney Lays Out His Campaign for Mayor of New York City

-There was something that said you could run for

mayor

. -For New York. No, New York, not South Bend. -No, for

mayor

of New York City? -Yes, I know, I'm going to start with New York. Listen, no. It's not... Thank you, I appreciate it. -Standing ovation. -Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -Please. -They were prepared for it. Is incredible. -Thank you. Please sit down. Please sit down. -Here is the. -Please sit down. -John Mulaney! -Please. -Mayor Mulaney! -This afternoon, I called Mayor de Blasio and gave in because I got zero votes, and... No, I don't know why this got into my head.

I know why. I had too much, I had about a month in which I did nothing. -Yeah. -So... I was walking through New York. I was getting really angry about some things. You know, there was... so I said... I came home and I said, "I'm going to run for mayor" to my wife, you know? -Yeah. -And she said, "Okay, but you have to think about things for the five boroughs. It can't just be things on our block." And I said, "Okay." But then, I just... look. No matter who the mayor of New York is, we hate him and then when he's gone, we're like, "That's the mayor.

We love him," you know. Like Bloomberg, we hated. He was... he would go out and cover the

city

with a beige carpet, and then he would say, "Take off your shoes." And we'd say, "Ah!" And then when he left, we said, "Hey, I'm Mayor Bloomberg." And now we hate him again. It's a cycle. -Yeah. -So de Blasio is low, right? -Yeah. -Remember: Were you at the Paul Simon concert when De Blasio got up? -Yes, we were there together. -Yeah. Remember, they say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor de Blasio." "Boo!" -It was louder than a "Graceland" encore. -Yeah. -They say: "Wow!" -It was like a theater at the level of Vince McMahon.

Like "Boo!" -Yes, that was crazy. -De Blasio comes out with his stupid sideburns and... But... but I... here it is... Okay. Here it is... Look, I know I won't be good as mayor. Well? I know that. But here's my thing. I'm getting rid of Uber and Lyft, and if you don't like it, you can get rid of me in two years. But you can't: There's a bus lane, then there's a bike lane, and then there's a million new Ubers, and then there's 10 billion new Lyfts. -Yeah. -And you can't do it. And I have a whole commercial prepared. -Actually? -Yeah.

I mean, I haven't shot it, but you know, you can imagine it. You can imagine it. I'm imagining it. So here's the commercial. Alright. It's not fun, but it's... it's just a good idea. So it's an ambulance. Shh, this is serious. So it's an ambulance and it will go up Sixth Avenue at 3:00 p.m. It's an ambulance. The sirens are ringing, you know? You feel the tension, right? -At what time of the day? -3:00 PM. -Yeah. Wow, it's 3:00 p.m. It's not rush hour. It's not lunch time. And the streets are congested. And then I'll have an actor who looks like de Blasio ride a bike, right?

And then he'll say, "Now imagine that someone you love is in this ambulance." And then he says "boom." And he says, "Bill de Blasio said he would fix everything in New York," which he didn't. He didn't say that. But... -You can't put words in his mouth. -Oh, you can do that. -You can not do that. -I'm not going to put “quotes”. I'll say...I'll say he said something like...okay. Bill de Blasio said, "I'm going to fix everything in New York," right? -You're sure. -I'm in safe territory. -My lawyer says you're safe. My lawyer says you're safe, yes. -Okay, yes.

And then he'll just say, "John Mulaney as mayor." -Wow, that's pretty good. -I think when you say... yes. -That's good, it's a... ...memorable commercial. And it hits a nerve. -I think it's something mean. I don't like that I thought about it, but once I thought about it, I thought, "That's a good idea." I... like Mayor de Blasio. I have had confrontations with him that seemed uncomfortable to me. He was organizing the Natural History Museum charity event hosted by Mr. Lorne Michaels. -Our boss. -Yeah. The producer of "Saturday Night Live." -And "The Tonight Show" too. -And "The Tonight Show", yes, -That's right.

He is our producer. He produces everything in this building. -Yes, it's true, yes. He is a good television producer. -It's fantastic. -Yes, he has hits. So he has this benefit at the Natural History Museum. Have you ever organized it and said, "Welcome everyone." -Of course. -"This is... Look at all the animals." Because it's like the zoo, but they're dead, you know? -It's a museum. Yes, it is a museum. -It's a museum of animal bodies and what they would look like next to fake trees and stuff. But it is a nice museum. It's a great place.

So I worked all day, I worked like three days on all these jokes, and most of them were de Blasio jokes. -Yeah. -Because it's a New York audience, and I, you know, I mean, I opened... I opened wrong right away because I thought, "This is cool. I saw there's an elephant here. So finally, for one night, the The elephant in the room for you is not Jeffrey Epstein," and... yeah, right. Like you. Hey, no, but just like you, they got angry right away. -Yeah. -And I said, but... -It's a difficult room. -“But like Jeffrey Epstein, this elephant was murdered.” I made a second part of the joke.

I know right. Just... Yes, exactly. -But it's also... But this is a good room. That room, I will say, is a little rough. -Do you mean the museum with the highest ceiling in the world and all the richest people in the world looking at you? It seems like an event where the Joker would crash. And... -You should have started with that. You should have opened with that one. You should have opened with that. -Wait, I have to have another chance. So, I just made these introductory comments, two of which you just heard, which were terrible jokes.

So I sit at the table and then someone runs up and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest here. Mayor Bill de Blasio has come to the benefit." This was called a gala event. That means you should wear a tuxedo if you are a man. Now I'm not saying... You're not a good person... I'm not saying you're a better person if you're in a tuxedo, but Bill de Blasio arrives in a light blue suit with a sparkly dress. red tie, like a clown. And... And they say, "Bill de Blasio." And this is a nice event and people say: "Boo!" And I hear one person say, "Hiss!" -Wow.

Wow. Recovering the whistle. -Then, Mayor de Blasio stands up. And no, he was not invited. He had just abandoned his presidential

campaign

because he heard that everything was closed and he didn't want the pressure to get to him. Then...he gets up and says, "Hello, it's me, the mayor." You know, he had to remind everyone when he was mayor because he had run for president. He says, "I'm the mayor, this is a great museum because they allow anyone in. Anyone of any sexual orientation." And everyone was like, "Yeah, that's all the museums. There are..." The only barrier to entry is a suggested donation, which no one does.

Nobody keeps anyone out of a museum. -No. -Then he said- So I, by the way, have a page of jokes in my pocket that are all about de Blasio. My next seven minutes were going to be all de Blasio jokes. Then de Blasio says, and that's it: "This event is run by the great Lorne Michaels, an important person in New York, although he's not from New York." And I was like, “Oh, man.” Like, okay, yeah, right? -Getting whistles right now. -Be whistled. -Someone is whistling over there. -So I come back... Then I turn to Lorne and say, "I have a page of de Blasio jokes." And Lorne says, "Do them." ♪♪ -Friend. -That New York thing, that New York thing, when he said that, I was like, "Oh!" And I know Lorne is from Canada.

I know. And he talks about it. He'll say, "I'm from Canada," you know? But if he looked me in the eye and said, "I'm from New York, right?" I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, you're from New York." -He is one of the most New York people of all time. -I know.