John Cena Opening Monologue at ESPYS 2016

It's 2006, please, here is your presenter. I want to start by congratulating our athletes for their brave message at the beginning of this program. Jimmy V once said have a great day if you can think, you can cry and you can laugh, that's what I love. about this show because tonight we're doing all three but with that being said welcome to the ESPY awards this is one magical night a year with Junior Smith wear a t-shirt my name is John Cena for those of you who don't know me I just signed a contract maximum with the New York Knicks, maybe you recognize me from a movie called Trainwreck, here we go, who is this Jenna?

Pat on the back, the only guy despite her title, it's not about the

2016

Summer Olympics, okay, okay, I get it. I sense some tension in the room, let's address it, why the hell did they give me to present this? I'm serious, I'm serious, the biggest night in sports they couldn't go out and get Kevin Hart Matt Damon kristaps porzingis him By the way, he was my number one. Instead, they gave it to a guy who spends most of his life in jean shorts and is actually proud of it. Why did they look for a boy from the red-headed stepson of sports and entertainment? a WWE announcer, I mean it's rigged, did I just ruin the surprise for some of the people?

It's scripted entertainment, what we do is fake, so I know what you're thinking, me hosting the ESPYs, that's crazy or that's genius, it's time to watch yourself, sports, realize that you're more like WWE than you ever imagined. I'm going to start with the NBA. Cleveland won something that is actually impossible. There's no way that wasn't written, especially when you look. the whole story, okay LeBron, you used to be a good guy and then you became a bad guy and now you're a good guy again and you left the NBA hanging, what are they going to do when they don't exactly have a bad guy?

Whatever we do, they're going to make a new one. Hats off to the football, although they did well this year. Our beloved hero, whose gang seems to have lost all hope in the countless clutches of his archenemy, but at the moment of truth, Payton. He comes off the bench, wins the championship, and rides off into the sunset with the love of his life. Oh, I was pushing you on Papa John's, but that's not the only thing football does well. I mean, they build characters Odell Beckham Jr. He already looks like a WWE superstar. He's one Parrott away from being Coco.

Be careful, but I admit that this is the only place where WWE makes you beat. The only thing we have that you can't do. Vince McMahon, a manic billionaire. the behind the scenes threads he uses every trick in the book to manipulate things in his favor any way he can something like that that's too crazy for real sports or maybe we have more in common than you think maybe in the night most importantly where sport meets entertainment, you have the perfect host, so let's tell some jokes, right? You guys are ready to have fun, come on guys, ready to have fun.

Great, so let's start with an incredible story Cleveland Cleveland finally ended their 52-year championship drought, how's that? there, so Cleveland's to-do list fixes everything else, the Cavs parade had 1.3 million people in attendance, take a look at those 1.3 million people in Cleveland and somehow not a good quarterback knows what I'm talking about LeBron James is here Kyrie Irving is here Kevin Love is here pretty good seed keV I was hoping to see you alone in the corner screaming I'm open I'm open I'm open he's a champion Payne Manning and Kobe Bryant retired this year let's leave it for two of the all time greats now they hurt and Kobe's last games had a couple things in common they were both unforgettable and they almost didn't happen Koby man what a career yeah yeah I'm too excited.

I want to run there and give. high five I'm really sorry you missed the first dozen tries uh he'll be fine he'll be fine and so will Kobe's Lakers. Hey, they've got Luke Walton, he's now their new head coach and their best player. You know, speaking of coaching legends, does anyone else find it strange that Phil Jackson is reuniting with the New York Bulls, but not the good Bulls? Do you think he's strange? Superstar Tim Duncan called it a career after 19 seasons and you know him. Tim Duncan did it. in the most stupendous way possible in the middle of the night off season what a diva, what an incredible Serena Williams, that's what I'm talking about, she has won 22 Grand Slam tennis titles.

Serena won Wimbledon last weekend with Beyonce and jay-z in the stands cheering on Rock Beyonce was because Serena was her lemonade video. Jay-z went because now he goes wherever Beyonce tells him to go. I see a friend in the audience tonight, the Nature Boy, Ric Flair, you know you're in a room of professional athletes. when you consider that a guy named Ric Flair is dressed sensibly, the Rams are here, don't get too excited, I mean, they're here in LA, they're not at the ESPYs, SP meant winners, now we're finally leaving. Warming up well, speaking of winners, the NCAA basketball champion Villanova Wildcats are in the house with the Nova fans here, that's right, Villanova scored 82 points per game during their incredible tournament, which is the highest score in a Catholic school since literally every problem in a Catholic school. at school they get frisky you guys don't talk about Jordan Speith he was about to wear that green jacket at Augusta to leave the terrible 12th hole here's a fun fact that the terrible 12th hole is also the name of Dwight Howard's favorite strip club , he's your problem now Atlanta boom too close well, speaking of disasters there's a super bacteria recently found in Rio just what the Olympics needed another way for Bob Costas to get conjunctivitis I like this audience they're really good Irish golfers Rory McIlroy Graeme McDowell and Shane Lowry withdrew from the Olympics due to the Zika virus, which is surprising because the Irish are not known for withdrawing, speaking of finishing, that's my last joke, are you ready to start the show?