Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscars Monologue 2024

close your eyes now feel that you are so beautiful I know I was thinking I haven't eaten in 3 weeks. I'm so hungry I have to go host the Oscars live from the Goldie Theater at OAS Hollywood. Please welcome tonight's host, Jimmy. Kimel, thank you, thank you, thank you, hello everyone, well, that's very kind, thank you, thank you very much, thank you for that partial ovation and welcome to the 96th edition of the Oscars. Everyone look at these beautiful human actors. What an honor it is to be here. Thank you for having me back and congratulations to each and every one of you for making it to the Academy Awards and for making it on time.

The show, as you know, will start an hour early this year, but don't worry, it will end very, very late. in fact we've been there for 5 minutes and I'm not kidding, I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a long night after what was a long year, it was a tough year but it was also a great year for cinema despite the fact that everything was stop, the people in this room somehow managed to create so many great films and so many memorable performances. This night is filled with enormous talent and untold potential, but so was Madam Web, so who knows, are we all off to a rocky start?

This is a significant occasion for most of you, I know that and I know that winning an Oscar is something you have dreamed of since you were children and now here we are all dressed up celebrating the best of the best, starting with the biggest movie. of the year Barbie Barbie was a monster head, what a thing, what an achievement to take a plastic doll that no one liked anymore. I mean, my wife, before this movie, you would have had a better chance of getting my wife to buy our daughter a pack of maror Reds than a Barbie doll now Barbie is a feminist icon thanks to Greta Gerwig who many believe deserves to be nominated for best director wait a minute, I know you're applauding but you're the ones who didn't vote for her, by the way, don Don't act like you have anything to do with this and I don't want to leave out Margo Robbie Margot put together this great success, she did it, Marle, Robbie and Ryan are here tonight, look kids, it's Barbie and Ken sitting alone near me.

Others Ryan and Margot I want you to know that even if neither of you win an Oscar tonight, you both already won something much more important, the genetic lottery Ryan, you are so good, let's go camping together and not tell our wives and then We will have the other big box office winner this year, Oppenheimer, directed by the great Christopher Nolan, he is also a very attractive man and is a fascinating person. Christopher Nolan doesn't have a smartphone, he doesn't use email and he writes his scripts. on a computer without an Internet connection, which is a powerful way of saying: I will not let my porn addiction get in the way of my work.

Christopher is joined by his longtime collaborator Killian Murphy, who is simply wonderful. Killian is an interesting fact about his name. it's pronounced Killian when he's doing drama when he's doing comedy it's sensible and congratulations to Selanne's co-star Robert Downey Jr who is on tonight this is the high point of Robert Downey Jr's long and illustrious career well one of the points taller, um, but Robert. It's been a two on the nose or it's a drug motion you made, but look at him, I mean, look at this guy, he's so handsome, he's so talented, he's won every award there is to win, it's an acceptance speech in your pocket or you just have a very rectangular penis what a story not even 20 years ago things weren't going so well Robert played the villain and correct me if I'm wrong in a movie where Tim Allen turns into a dog, right?

What if, do you ever decide to remake that movie? I only have one guy to play Tim Allen, I mean, where's Messi? Who, even though he is a dog, may have given the performance of the year in Anatomy of a Fall. Messi has an overdose scene. I have seen it, you know, it is incredible, honestly, I had not seen a French actor eat vomit like that since Gerard de partu, the second most nominated film of the year is Poor Things directed by Yuros Lanos, there is not only Yos, nominated for best . director his editor whose name is also Yos Yos mavra serus is also nominated we have two yos in the house tonight they will both win your ghost is as good as mine okay let's have 20 seconds for the room tone Emma Stone is nominated for the Oscar for the fifth time, of course, the fifth time is and this is Emma, ​​you are so incredibly great at poor things.

Emma played a grown woman with a child's brain as the lady who gave the rebuttal to the State of the Union on Thursday night. and you were amazing, there were so many great movies that kept the audience captivated this year and I want to say that literally your movies were too long this year, the average length of the top 10 movies was 2 hours and 23 minutes i.e. 30 minutes more than 3. Years ago, when I went to see The Moonflower Assassins, they sent my email to the theater. The Moonflower Killers is so long that in the time it takes you to watch it you could drive to Oklahoma and solve the murders yourself.

I told Bradley Bradley Cooper is here with us tonight with his he has another best picture nominee with the teacher Bradley brought his mom to the show tonight hello Mrs. Cooper, how are you? He's doing well, great. Bradley brings his mom to every awards show, right? He came out last year at the Oscars and it's not good, but the Tony Awards and Soul Train, etc. are very sweet, but I guess the question is how many times can he bring his mother as a date before going out? with his mother. you're working on a movie about Freud right now and you're not telling us some fun Oscar tidbits here 48 years ago Robert Dairo and Jody Foster were nominated for Taxi Driver and they're both nominated again tonight 1976 was the year and that's pretty crazy in 1976 Jodie Foster is young enough to be Robert Dinero's daughter, now she is 20 years too old to be his girlfriend.

I also want to congratulate Robert's clar, Lily Gladstone, who is the first Native American to be nominated for best actress and she for Killers in the flower Moon and If you saw her, you know it was Rivy and did you know that before you saw this movie Was Lily ready to quit acting and take a job at the Department of Agriculture tracking the Hornets murders? Yes, and now she's nominated for an Oscar, which is very cool for her, but I'm also worried that no one is tracking down these murders Hornets Lily is excellent company. We have many first-time acting nominees tonight, including Emily Blunt Jeffrey Wright Sterling K Brown America Ferrera America Daniel Brooks Coleman Domingo Davine Joy Randolph and Sandra Huler for the first time, three foreign language films are competing for best picture and two of them star Sandra Hooler, that is, Sandra, two films.

Sandra plays a woman on trial for murdering her husband in Anatomy of a Fall and a Nazi housewife who lives next door to the mill in the area of ​​interest, and while these are very important themes for American moviegoers in her native Germany, Sandra, they're called romantic comedies for the first time in over two decades, we're adding a new category to the Oscars, not tonight, don't do it. Don't worry, in the future they will add an Oscar for achievement and casting, which yeah, you better clap for that and that's great news for actors because now we won't just get to see someone else win an Oscar for a role.

You didn't get it, you'll also be able to see the person who thought you weren't right to win won too, what a year we've had, it was a tough year, remember that guy in the fable, that's what it looks like. I really like having you here Stephen Stephen, are you nominated tonight or are you here because you have season tickets? Stephen and his wife K Capa donated a lot of money to help the actors and writers who were out of work during the summer we were there. strike for a long time for 148 days for 5 months this group of writers actors directors the people who actually make the movie said we will not accept a good deal, not the directors you pulled out immediately but the rest of us said we will not accept a deal without protections against artificial intelligence and, as a result, actors no longer have to worry about being replaced by AI.

Thanks to this historic deal, actors can now worry again about being replaced by younger, more attractive people and I think that's great and the writers. Could AI have written Transformers Rise of the Beasts? If the answer is yes. We learned a lot while we were on those pickets. The strike raised existential questions about our industry, like if a movie premiered at the Grove and there were no actors there. to promote it Mario López makes some sound and now that the strike is over and Fran Dresser has returned to her volunteer work reading aloud to the hearing impaired we can be proud that this long and difficult work stoppage taught us that this Ours is a very strange city, as pretentious and superficial as it could be deep down, it is a union city, it is not just a group of Haly Biebers very high on drugs, drinking smoothies for diabetes, abusing prescriptions, gluten.

Sensitive neppo babies with a perpetually shaking chihuahua. This is a coalition of the strong. Hard-working, mentally strong, American workers, women and men who would surely die if we had to touch the handle of a shovel, but the reason we were able to reach an agreement is because of the people who rally to our side, so before we celebrate. Let's have a well-deserved round of applause for the people who work behind the scenes, the truckers, the truckers, the lighting, the sound, the cameras, the gappers, that's right, all the people who refuse to cross the pickup lines, there they are , if they are wearing.

Oscar cartoonists. Take a bow, come on guys, take a bow. Take a bow. They deserve it, thank you for supporting us and we also want you to know that in your next negotiation we will also support you and I will also do so. make sure this show goes long tonight so it has plenty of overtime, it's everyone's golden moment, we should hand out some Oscars, okay, we have surprises planned for each of the acting categories tonight, five surprises In fact, let's kick them. Wins the Oscar for supporting actress