Jim Jefferies -- Airplane Etiquette -- Fully Functional

Let's tell some stories, yes, this first story, the first part of this story you should already know the same way you know things like don't kill people, try not to rape when you're on a plane, there's a thing called plane

etiquette

.

airplane

and it says this window has an armrest and a wall in the middle has two armrests the aisle has an armrest and a little extra leg we are not animals we live in a society so I was on a flight from los angeles to houston and I had the middle seat and that sucks balls so sitting there with two armrests next to me there's a little young girl doing her work on the armrest wall I'm in the middle two armrests sitting next to me here's a big black man who He's so gay as the day is long he sits next to me and we do the niceties hello hello and then without any problem he sees my elbow there and he just left chuck and I said no I'm pretty upset but he's a big guy and he's a long flight so there's no need to argue so I have that argument that you have in your head where the other person doesn't know that you're having an argument where you're like you're a and if you said this then I'd be like, well, sir, I think you're wrong so I sit there rotting for about 45 minutes and finally the air thieves come over with a drinks cart.

Why am I right, stewardess, every time you see a movie set in the '60s and they show stewardesses or an old TV show they would show like Pam Am or something like that. They always portray Airshield as these hot young women with a pillbox hat and a little bun and big tits and a small waist and carrying a bag that I don't. I think some of those women have retired, yeah this thing was just being propped up by the drink carton, 50 years of recycled air and made her skin drip from her skull like the end of the raiders of the lost ark, she appears , the guy walks over to his drink and his pretzels open armrests bang I'm back and I'm not going anywhere either he puts all his stuff on his tray and goes to put his elbow back but he can't, he can't. because there's a wall there called Jim Jeffries and he can't move it right and he's pushing, he's pushing and I act like I can't feel it like that, but casually, then he puts his fist like this and his hand like that. that and he's pushing back really hard and I'm trying to do it casually, but he's so much bigger than me and I finally have to give in.

I was shocked, so I turned to him and told him what needed to be said, why are you so so? Now I understand that that word in this country is not as popular as maybe it should be people were freaking out when they went, he did it, he just said it, I heard him say, he called that man a c-bomb, I heard him say it. Bob called the man to see the Bob bomb and he was surprised too. He turned and said: Excuse me, why did he just call me asking for a penny for a pound?

And I was there with cancer. I called you and he. I said: Are you upset because you're trying to take my armrest? and I said, you don't know simple

etiquette

, the window has an armrest and a wall in the middle gets too much armrest, the hallway has an armrest and a little extra leg, we are not animals we live in a society and the people who initially hated me They agreed with me like I was right about that, that's true, that's true, we live in a society, they said, oh, I'll just take the back of the armrest that you can have. the rest of the armrest and it was you take the back you take everything no one cares about the front of the armrest no one has ever been thanks for raising your fat arm I said it's not just that you're taking my armrest your elbow went over the armrest and it's digging into my ribcage and he said well maybe if you lost some weight I know I was stunned I didn't know what to say I just turned to him when you're queen now everyone. the plane has lost the movie the movie can be turned off friend no one is watching the movie i am the entertainment now the aircraft comes running back on its walker she comes up to us and says what is happening here and i said i want this to go away from me part and she said sir, this is not the situation to swear.

I told her yes we are having a fight and she said "Well no need to insult" I called the guy queen so I understood what she is saying and I turned her around and said you know what you are right about, I never insult is necessary, but as a proud gay man, I feel like I have earned the right to say those words, so I apologized. The gay boy knows what I am. lying, he's tired and the answer is, can everyone calm down? What is the problem here? And he went, he's trying to take my armrest and the problem is when everyone knows that the middle one has two armrests and I went to see that she goes.

I'm going to have to separate the two of them and she points out, the man said sir, you're going to have to find a seat in the back of the plane, I'm victorious, I stand up, I hit my head on what I pointed out to the man and I. I went to the back of the plane and a lot of people on that plane hadn't seen the rest of the discussion. All they saw was me pointing at a black man yelling "Go to the back of the plane." Things got really awkward very quickly. I didn't know what I had done, but people were yelling at me, calling me a racist, and I thought I knew, but how do you know?

Then a guy threw a bag of peanuts on the back of my head and said, sit down. limey bastard and I was like that's the Brit, I'm Australian, you're racist, which would have made a lot of sense if being British or Australian was a race and not a nationality, but at the time I was grasping at straws so I sat in his old chair we have the empty seat between us the girl and I beat up now later on the flight I'm walking around the back of the plane towards the bathroom and I want to see the guy because I want to go, can I? get to the back of the painting I don't see him anywhere I'm about to go to the bathroom and then I see his leg coming around the corner there were no more seats this is a full flight he's sitting in the air with his landing seat which folds down with a seat belt on top like I was in a go kart, I put my head around the corner, I had no armrest here and the problem was you go back to your seat and run away like a child.

So to land I go to sit back in her old seat now the susc is taken so she takes my seat in the middle and she hates me and I take both armrests and as we land a guy in the aisle leans over. and he says, excuse me, you're Jim Jeffries, right, and I say, yeah, man, how are you? and he said: I had no idea you were gay, yeah, I like it.