James Acaster MOCK THE WEEK COMPILATION (series 16)

Things you didn't hear during the elections. I promise to give you a hard braixen unless you're not there and then I'll leave it. We have been neighbors, which is Europe. I didn't think taxes would be so low if you Vote for me Jimmy Carr. I have a great plan to save the NHS. We leave the EU first and then use the extra 350. Can I interest anyone in a free bus? I will attract so many new homes. A

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of one. room floors with an incredible view of London that are also unrelated. I'm closing the London Eye.

I'm the scrutineer and it's great to be back. I am the teller. I have the kids unlike the online summer cosmetics commercial so has anyone seen the teller? messages here comes science global warming is real none of this matters this product makes your eyelashes look really big by shrinking your eyeballs sweet things you wouldn't hear in nature show the reason why you want to fly in a v shape is to act as Chevron for airplanes here we have a tiger happily eating tonight's episode of Frosty is dedicated to the memory of our cameraman Charles Foster here we have a groundhog also known as a groundhog feature the question how much land for the groundhog Hogg if a groundhog could help grunt chat improbable lines above your father must have been a thief and I will catch him if he is the last blind man and I am too.

Now let me fill your face to know that you are not a Munter if I said that you have a good body, right? hold him to me while I cry on your shoulder I'm so alone God, I'm so alone coffee always gets my name unlike the lines of a sci-fi me we shot down one of the flying saucers and now that's like paper and straw first in all parts is predator in sebou T of Optimus Prime today I'm going to save the world so you would be doing me a big favor if we move this technical inspection to tomorrow we will take you here in a political discussion that most people don't realize that the bell It's called Big Ben and not the clock but the clock is called Tickety Ted the time saying Bin's tables put another table Vince Cable whose tables put another table we've run out of chairs we just stopped arguing surely we could all agree with whoever it is sniffed that these were unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say it's time for some continuity from the creators of love Island called the sack or gee baked sport because anyone can use things from the porn channel that the news reporter would never say in the studio with us today Vladimir Putin, Kim Johan and Donald Trump in what can only be described as an exclusive news round as BBC News is biased.

This next story is about how I feel like jogging and all the ladies wouldn't do anything to me. Just say it, spoiler ahead. time or something some of us what the weather will be it will be a surprise we have finally discovered Banksy's true identity here it is none other than Stig unlikely things to hear on a police TV show a lot of hands walk around and see them oh yeah , those are some sexy hats when the forensics arrive, let them know that as usual, much of the semen is courtesy of you, all right, we police in blue wanted to get us, the Blue Man Group, but that name was already taken by some very talented people, things you never hear on television during the day welcome to smell the cheese fiberglass insulation today and escape to the country from which we escaped in the law and the country in question is Mexico and the topic is growing little and it's increasing in my opinion little by little I think it's the first time You will get a little older when your parents start letting you make your own pumpkin.

It will be a great day because until then my mother made all the pumpkins all the time she watched, but I guess it was the weakest pumpkin. It has a slight orange tint, imagine how it tastes, it has a taste when I drink it, other children's houses, parents, a little more, less, a fair pumpkin every day, it's like yes, but my parents don't pay much attention to me. about why they don't love me so I'd leave it all on a harpy watch tell your dad I love him tell your dad I love him make a pumpkin with my nephew recently the first time I made pumpkin since I lived with my parents No I've done it in the middle so I'm an adult he doesn't have it and I know there were some adults watching you don't have kids that drink pumpkin but let me tell you if you're the type of person that drinks pumpkin even then there are no kids in the house has bodies in the walls and heads in the freezer don't trust any of you I was at practice doing squats I had to do it for my nephew let me tell you I really would have liked to give myself a side view so I could see the glass properly, but I can't I did.

I am 32 years old. I still got so close to the glass that I looked straight down at it, it was a flat circle. I had no idea what depths or dimensions they fit. I almost give him that kind of off-the-walls-and-amusing-who-is-James kind of kid, he does a pumpkin, loses his mind and loops at one point, so he asks me weird questions. He says, Uncle James, why? The skin on my lips is different from the rest of my skin. I thought I'd never thought about that, but now you've said it. Not a day will go by that I don't think your entire body had lipstick to prepare for. the morning should be there with a lipstick, if you were the only one covered lips obviously with a little lipstick, if we were all lip skin and that was the entire human race, then there would be like a giant lipstick in the living room . from floor to ceiling spinning at the speed of a kebab spits on the scraper and goes out into a world where no one can shake hands for fear of getting excited the answer is 50 days what is the question is when the shoe was on the other foot how much How long did it take Lee to find me?

How old was I when I started using the phrase my money my problems in terms of ladies debate because she went to that cheese thing which of lipari some prizes she didn't go? I know just when you look at the photos, it looks like a fondue if you own the course. No, you were surprised by the results. Do you know what would have surprised me? We all liked it. You continue like this. We will be slaves forever. No, you stay. The green coalition is right. there planting new trees that when they grow just say out of the house, yeah, why didn't anyone ask?

Reason asked that question since she was not one because her daughter is a hunter in the wheat fields, she says that he is a practicing Christian and in that photo he is enlightened to practice it to be Jesus, what is happening here? If he would join hands to prove his haters wrong on the side of his head, all the leaders around the world, he has done more to combat global warming, because let me tell you. that travel ban thought it would be enough since so many people have carbon footprints, like if we all started banning people from our countries from flying fewer people and we wouldn't have any problems on our hands, did it remind you of the horrible kid in the school? everyone hated it but their parents had a pool it was a nice pool what is your mission NASA announced it is a mission to the Sun yes 93 million miles away 93 million miles Mir got sunburned in captain we sent new things but yes It's that I don't I don't know that we bought these missing children made with their right-wing propaganda and the tits volunteer to be astronauts in that case right-wing tits 8 what is the question: how old was I when my parents forgot take me on vacation? and I had to defend the house against some thieves.

I had to booby trap the whole place. I almost killed him between a podium and a pedestal. That is interesting. There is a statue. You can place a podium on a pedestal. But you can place. a pedestal on a podium take me seriously many letters in votes you just sit there just talk to me fools got the touch of all these lines the man used Xuan Chomp there is a let me tell you a story Pinocchio, was a little wooden puppet that came to the life because he was possessed by a demon and he lied to everyone because of the devil and then all the villagers put him on a bonfire and it burned his soul to ashes and pieces.

You should learn that you never trust a puppet. idiot, no version of the bible, most American men I've ever met was a man named Randy Yankor used to be a porn star, what's going on here? Work, you're wearing that vest, aren't you? It's the first time he's been very visible since then. election campaign politics come back that should be the headline I don't know what I was doing this is nothing no one's getting ice cream I didn't do anything okay you get ice cream baby well go back to the seventies and Use the people , yes, no, tell me what to do.

I even want the government to tell me to be us, the people. I say every day is different. One of us takes turns being in charge. Every day you do what you want and that is true. democracy take it in terms of being a dictator two words well the answer is zero what is the question how many times did the borrower actually return the things I supposedly borrowed how many people have told me about the wind beneath their wings if you move there in 79 I will have been dead for quite some time. I'm attending your funeral Hugh.

I will give a speech. I will say that he always told me that I was the wind beneath his wings or the news that doctors and the UK have warned about in a big way. The doctor hated me, this guy, well, I once met him looking at me, I'll send him there, he said what he was doing, the joke was just saying, he was literally going to say what it is, put up with how he was, eventually you convinced yourself that a times "I don't have a normal normal day so I thought you had to see it" he said and I checked with other doctors about this and apparently they said this is not a standard protocol.

She said I can't look at that on my own, but she goes get someone else, so she walked in and this is definitely not from the receptionist she walked in on. I told her that she had not made any comments about me. Alright. I was like why I'm never coming back here again. I was like are you sure. I'm going to get another medical treatment, so a third person came in and it was the guy I had shown my hip to and he looked at me, it's like, oh of course, it's you, just you, we have three people here, look at your dick.

Okay, never go to the doctor again when the receptionist has seen your penis. This legal battle with a man against a monkey has lasted two years. Yes, we believe that we can resolve Brexit in less time than those two years because his lawyer was lazy. What's going on? here boss finally joining the dark side you are exactly what I don't want for bricks, I don't want any commitment Hugh started his own applause pause you might want to take note it felt real I'm glad you liked that article because for too long everyone We've been wondering what Bo Johnson thinks about Brexit.

It is such a difficult number to reach. You Google it and it comes up dry every time it's about a gangster move. I respect him for that. Fairplay exposes it. I do the same. lie to the same people without blinking say hello gangster the first thing I would go to would be the Aztec zone, that would be great Prime Minister, I think here Vince Cable will take us to the top, he could be shaking it at times and maybe it will be dangerous, but once we get there to the summit, we will jump. I'm thinking about cable cars testing nuclear weapons.

I know why everyone complains the more we try, so this gets it, if not, above all, it's an aerial shot. for Hillary this fact diapers and condoms what is the question is this is the most we can expect from Gregg's in negotiations what are the three worst nicknames I had in school team from left to right yes, some sewage workers in the east of London have discovered a giant mass of frozen fat underground that is believed to be one of the largest ever seen, at 250 meters long, the fatberg is estimated to weigh 130 tonnes and will take three

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s for workers buried there to clear it.

I am very proud of him throughout my life. I'm done dedicating my entire life to trying to make the world's largest fatberg every day. I wake up. I'll get some big oil and dip it in the shower drain. Oh, she'll get fat. You have to throw them down the drain. bathroom, you watch the news, one day I'll be big and now the fat burgers finally came out and I left my mark on history trying to get a piece of this fair, the Museum of London, yes, the best ones, they open a bidding war with the yours. really flushing it down the toilet again with your nickname at school is like a 4512 man who bothered the british tourists at the

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end, the parents just hang around these foreign places and if they messed up when the pilots have their holidays, why not just find out where? the pilot wants to go on vacation and they can fly that plane to that place what's happening here is use the app find my classes know which side of the equation they want to be white they are the victim what a climate of initial panic over Corbin's arrival Did they sprout?

I was going to walk on water. Yeah, we're going to do a trick where it looks like it looks like it's going to walk on water like adynamo, simply copying the dynamo. The first person to do it was in a big. inflatable crocodile Dwayne the rock Johnson to get involved a brexit got involved in the producer I would apologize to everyone who jumped ship as having a square head means that it is more sexual desire than people with round heads, yes egg heads, sensuality to never appear, oh, absolutely, bowing at school. among many others, one of them was a snowplow, you pushed me around the playground on a snowy day, your chin was lifting the snow and the whole funnel was going up your nose it's 40,000 what's the question, okay, at school , I had something fake The ID pants were obviously fake, so they had how many stripes on each leg they had to line up to spell out how many of my Facebook friends turned out to be my mom, try to make me feel better.

I like the idea of ​​strolling elegantly through the city. is governed by the fact that I keep referring to myself in my face, now that the market is completely open for my business students, they are and basically what it is is that all drivers are beginner drivers and provisional licenses and you can only get transport if you yourself possess a full driver's license and that way we don't have to pay the driver because it's all experience you can't open an induction hole it doesn't turn on because your finger circulation is so bad. Your mother's fingers have been dead for years.

We sign this formation. I'm very sorry, by the way, for your mother.