Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

Transcriber: Tijana Mihajlović Reviewer: Ivana Krivokuća I've been studying the romance and relationship patterns of literally thousands of people for the past 28 years, and one thing I've discovered, or one thing I know, is that most of us have experienced that. Feeling wild and out of control at the beginning of a new relationship. You know what it's like when you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't do anything because you're constantly thinking about this person. Your heart races, you feel that adrenaline when you see the other person, and you basically just want to be with them. It's almost like an obsession.

I bet if I asked you to close your eyes, you could definitely remember that powerful and amazing feeling that affects us physiologically. I know I can and I have been married for 22 years. But when we're in that heightened state of arousal at the beginning of a new romance, many of us take a step back and ask ourselves the question: "What am I feeling? Am I in

lust

or am I in

love

? Is it

lust

or is it

love

?" ?" What if I told you that you would never have to wonder again, because there are four specific signs that differentiate lust from love, and the two states, lust and love, are completely different from each other?

It would be wonderful, right? So let's start with lust. When you feel attracted to someone, based solely on physical and sexual arousal or attraction, that is lust. You are filled with a sexual desire that does not stop and all those sexual hormones are produced in your body at an alarming rate; you have sex on the brain. Furthermore, when we are in that heightened state of excitement about a new relationship, or in a new relationship, we glorify or idealize our partner. We don't see them as they really are. And, in fact, we see them as we want them to be or need them to be.

Have you heard the phrase "love is blind"? Well, at the beginning of a new romance, lust makes you blind. You are impressed by everything your partner does or says. In fact, it doesn't even matter that she has all of her stuffed animals on her bed, plus some pillows, or that he doesn't have the slightest idea what a hanger is used for. You don't see it. He doesn't bother you. But as time goes on in a relationship, those same behaviors, exactly those same behaviors, become annoying and irritating to you, and it is at that moment that you begin to see this other person for who they really are; flaws, flaws and all.

And by the way, yes, we all have defects or failures. Nobody is perfect. But at this moment, the lust wanes. And I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but my research shows that lust decreases in all romantic relationships. It is an inevitable part of all romantic relationships. I know. I'm sorry. Don't shoot the messenger. (Laughs) But can you rekindle lust in a long-term love relationship? Absolutely! My work with couples confirms this and we'll talk about how to do this in a few minutes. But for now, it's important to understand that lust diminishes in all romantic relationships, and if you stay in that relationship, lust can turn into love.

Love is also a deep emotion and also has a physiological basis. When we are in love, we produce the hormone oxytocin, which triggers relaxation and promotes emotional bonding and closeness. But that's actually the opposite of those wild sex hormones that ignited all that lust in our bodies. In addition to the hormonal differences between lust and love, there are also four signs you can use to distinguish lust from love. The first sign is what I call connection. When you're in love, you want your partner to connect with all the important people in your life. You want them to spend time with your friends and family, to like them and hang out with them.

You want to show them to your friends and family, and you want your friends and family to be impressed with this other person. Also, you don't keep them to yourself, but you bring them out and introduce them to your interests again and the people who are important to you. The second sign is when “we” language is used instead of “I” language. It turns out that when two people are in love, their lives become intertwined and they begin to think of themselves no longer as separate individuals, but as a couple. And the more intertwined the lives of these two people are, the more their lives, their friends, their interests, and their circles overlap in this diagram.

And the more their lives overlap, the more mutuality. Mutuality is when we refer to ourselves as a couple, as a “we” or “us,” rather than as a “I” or this other person. So, for example, if I asked you what you were doing last weekend, if you were in love, you would say, "We went out to dinner," "We went to the movies," or "We went up north for the weekend," instead of "I took Sandy to the movies and then went out to dinner" or "I went up north." So if you want to distinguish between lust and love, watch your language and the degree to which you use "we" versus "I" statements.

The third sign is self-disclosure, what you tell this other person about yourself. Love motivates us to reveal extensive information about ourselves to this other person. When we are in love, we want to tell this person our dreams, our aspirations, our goals, the past, the future. Sometimes we tell them confidential information and sometimes we tell them all our secrets that we have never told anyone before. When we think about self-disclosure in a relationship, we want to think of an onion. The outer layers of an onion represent the superficial aspects for us as an individual, and as you peel back the layers of the onion, you get to the core of who you are.

You get deeper and there is more information about you as an individual, personal and intimate information. So when you have lust, you just peel back some of those layers. Maybe you tell this other person your interests, your hobbies, your movie or music preferences, but that's it. You don't reach the deepest part of yourself. When you are in love, you go straight to the core. You share information that has more breadth, more topics, but each topic is also deeper and more personal in nature. You go straight to the core. So if you want to distinguish between lust and love, look at what you're talking about and how many topics this other person has.

The last and fourth sign is that they influence each other. When two people are in love, what one person does or wants to do influences the other in a significant and strong way. For example, if you were thinking about moving to another state for a new job, or if you were considering any major changes in your life, you'll want to consult your partner before making a decision. Likewise, if something were to happen to you (a medical scare, losing your job, or the death of a family member), you will want to turn to this person for support and social assistance.

You would want help from this person. Or, if something good happened to you (you won the lottery or received an award at work), you would go to this person again because you would want them to share the good news. And they would actually celebrate with you. So, lust and love are completely different from each other, and couples find it very difficult to maintain that urgent longing we call lust in the long term. Can you recreate that lust? Absolutely! My research shows that if you add three behaviors to your long-term romantic relationship, you can rekindle or reignite that lustful desire.

And those three behaviors happen to be the same ones that ignited lust when you first met that person. So if you mirror the beginnings of your relationship, you can add lust and rekindle that passion in your relationship. The first strategy to rekindle or recreate lust is to engage in new and novel activities with your partner, because novelty creates excitement. Think about it. At the beginning of your relationship, everything was a new experience for the two of you. Everything was new and novel. Every date you went on, every restaurant you ate at was a new experience for the two of you, and that created the excitement and created all that excitement.

But then, as time passed, the novelty wore off. So if you want to recreate that lust, you need to find new and exciting things to do with your partner. That can be as simple as going to a new restaurant in a different part of town you've never been to. You can try skating, skiing, or snowboarding for the first time with your partner. Wow, I have winter on my mind, right? Or you can, like my husband and I did, sign up for a cooking class. Neither of us had done it separately and we did it together, which fueled the lust.

Anything new will recreate that initial feeling. The second strategy you want to do is use the element of surprise and add a little mystery to your relationship, because mystery and surprise increase lust. The idea is that you want that "oh wow!" factor, right? You want that to be recreated in your long-term love relationship. Again, think back. At first everything was different and interesting as you learned about your partner. Yeah, she told you she had a pet snake when she was a kid, and you said, "What? Wow! That's interesting!", or that he was the closest to her grandmother growing up, and you told her Many questions. , because that was fascinating to you.

Any new or different, interesting, mysterious and surprising information rekindles that passion and lust. But then, as time goes on in a relationship, you start to really get to know your partner, almost too well. You know what they like to do on Sundays, you know that she snores when she sleeps, and he chews with his mouth open, and he doesn't like the color pink. You really get to know your partner. And while that is wonderful, because that intimate knowledge builds love, it extinguishes lust. So again it is necessary to add the element of surprise and mystery. And yes, everything you're thinking there about lingerie and role-playing is adding mystery to your relationship. (Laughs) But you can also do other things.

You can go to your partner's workplace and take them to lunch or dinner after work, or you can send them a flirty text message in the middle of the afternoon. One of the wives in my long-term study of marriage and divorce said she took her husband treasure hunting and he went around town without her, but she left these little notes at each place and he found the experience. . Surprising and full of adventure, and he said it later added a bit of spice to their relationship. The third and final way to rekindle that lust is to engage in what I call arousal-producing activities.

This is my favorite suggestion, but it's not what you think. I see you all smiling and smiling out there. (Laughs) Actually, it's clean. (Laughter) What relationship scientists have learned is that if you do an arousal-producing activity with your partner, that arousal or that adrenaline rush that occurs through this other activity, the arousal can actually transfer to your partner. partner and your relationship. It's almost as if you are tricking your brain into attributing or associating that excitement due to another activity to your partner or your relationship. So what do I really mean when I say "arousal-producing activities"?

There are many things you can do. You can exercise next to each other. You can watch a comedy show, a horror movie. You can even ride a roller coaster at an amusement park. In fact, if you go on a scary ride at an amusement park, you can rekindle that passion by transferring the excitement from the ride to your partner or relationship. Now, just make sure you go with your partner, because if you do it with someone else, the excitement could transfer to that other person and not to your relationship. (Laughs) So in the end, lust and love are very different, but moments of passion are the highlights of our lives and our relationships.

In fact, ask anyone about the experience and they will definitely remember it and have a small smile on their face. And don't get me wrong, I think lust is fun and wonderful, but lust is not the glue that keeps long-term relationships together and happy. The glue that holds people together over time is actually love. And love is also a profound experience, but it is characterized by interconnection, mutuality, interdependence, and a lot of self-revelation. It is not necessary to have lust without love, and it is not necessary to have love without lust. They do not have to be mutually exclusive in their relationship.

You can recreate that lustful desire (and I love saying that word, lustful desire) in your long-term love relationship. It's simple, it's easy, it's amazing. What are you waiting for? Go do it! Thank you. (Applause)