Irish Dating Show - SNL

HELLO, YOU ARE WATCHING IRELAND ONE. THE ONLY TELEVISION ON TV NOT CONTROLLED BY BRITISH WHITE PEOPLE. BELOW IS OUR NUMBER ONE DATING PROGRAM. "KISS ME, I'M IRISH!" HELLO, WELCOME TO "KISS ME, I'M IRISH". TODAY A MAN WILL CHOOSE BETWEEN THREE IRISH ROSES TO SEE WHICH SMELLS THE SWEETEST. WE MEET OUR BOY DANNY. MY NAME IS NIALL, I'M FROM DANGLE. MY FAVORITE FOOD IS GRAY. MY CLAIM TO FAME IS THAT I ONCE HIT BONO IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS BONUS. WELL, IT'S BETTER TO BE PREVENTED THAN SORRY. WHAT KIND OF GIRL ARE YOU EXPECTING TO MEET?

NOT TO BE TOO LOVELY, BUT A GIRL, I GUESS. SINGLE. WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, WE HAVE THREE OF THEM BEHIND THAT WALL THERE. EACH ONE IS BEAUTIFUL SINCE THEIR SKIN IS BRIGHT RED UNDER THE MAKEUP. LET'S GET TO KNOW THEM. I'M EILEEN, I'M A GOOD CATHOLIC GIRL, WHICH MEANS I LOVE GOD AND GOD HATES ME. BECAUSE I AM HAVING IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU. HI, I'M MOLLY, I'M IRISH AMERICAN, BUT I LIVE HERE BECAUSE I'M STUDYING STONES. AND IF YOU FOLLOW THIS RAINBOW, YOU MIGHT GET A POT OF GOLD. I HAVE 35 SUSPICIOUS FRECKS ON MY BODY. I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY TO REVIEW THOSE I CAN'T SEE.

I HAVE A COUSIN FROM -- O' CONNOR! OH, THAT'S ME! IS IT NOW? WHAT ARE THE OPPORTUNITIES? COUSINS, IT LOOKS LIKE MY CHANCES JUST GOT BETTER. WHAT DO YOU SAY, NIALL? FIRST IMPRESSION OF THE GIRLS? WELL, NUMBER THREE IS MY COUSIN. HE DEFINITELY HAS AN EARLY Clue. WHAT? BUT CORN TEST ANTS ONE AND TWO, I'M OPEN TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU. IT SEEMS LIKE THERE IS SOME COMPETITION. NIALL, WHAT'S YOUR FIRST QUESTION? WELL, CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I LIKE A GIRL WHO KNOWS HER COOKING. NUMBER THREE, WHAT WOULD YOU MAKE ME FOR DINNER? WAIT, THE COUSIN IS STILL PLAYING?

THAT'S EASY, I WOULD MAKE OUR NANA'S FAMOUS POACHED CAKE. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED IT WHEN I WAS A CHILD. GREAT ANSWER. I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I KNOW, WELL, WHAT'S HAPPENING. SHE HAS ONE LEG OVER US. THEY ARE COUSINS, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THAT? WELL, THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. STAY OUT, MANY SINGLES ON THE SHOW. THEY HAVE CHOSEN A GIRL WHO ARE NOT COUSINS. TRUST ME, CONTESTANT ONE AND TWO, ARE BOTH STILL IN THE GAME. WHICH LEADS ME TO MY NEXT QUESTION, CONTESTANT ONE, WHERE WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON A FIRST DATE?

THAT'S EASY MANY I WOULD TAKE YOU TO MY FAVORITE PUB IN DOLAN WHERE THE DRINKS ARE FREE AND WE CAN STAY CLOSE. BECAUSE I KNOW THE OWNER, HE'S MY DAD. I ALSO KNOW THE OWNER, HE'S MY UNCLE. EILEEN, IT'S ME, YOUR COUSIN NIALL. COUSIN NIALL. ST. JOHN'S GHOST, THE GAME BECOMES MUCH MORE COMPETITIVE. MORE COMPETITIVE? YOU ARE RELATED, THE GAME MUST END. I'M AFRAID YOU'RE IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION, MOLLY. VERY RARELY THE SINGLE SINGLE CHOOSE THE NON-COUSIN WHEN THERE ARE TWO COUSINS IN THE CORRECTION. He's fine, lucky boy. NEXT QUESTION ABOUT LADIES, WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF A ROMANTIC NIGHT?

LET'S START WITH CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO. I guess I'm having dinner with a guy who's not related to me? QUISITIVE, QUISITIVE. AND YOUR NUMBER ONE CONTESTANT? MY IDEA OF A ROMANTIC EVENING WOULD BE WEDDINGS, FUNERALS AND COMMUNIONS, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I SEE A LOT OF THEM. DOES THE PUBLIC LIKE THAT? WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE HERE, DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY? CONTESTANT NUMBER THREE, YOUR TURN. WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF A ROMANTIC EVENING? I THINK YOU REMEMBER THREE GOOD FRIDAYS AGO IN THE ALLEY BEHIND THE FISHERMEN. OH, THAT'S WHAT I DO, THAT'S WHAT I DO. EWW, ARE YOU CONNECTED WITH YOUR COUSIN ALREADY?

CALM, WE DON'T HAVE SEX. WE ONLY HAVE SEX, WE DON'T GET MARRIED OR ANYTHING. IS THIS SOMETHING KNOWN? IS THIS COMMON HERE? Aren't they worried about deformities caused by inbreeding? THAT, LIKE BIRD BONES, LIKE SOFT SKULL. STRAWBERRY NOSE. TIC-TAC TEETH. BROWN BLOOD. A BIG FINGER. EXCELLENT ADVICE, BUT YOU ARRIVE 500 YEARS LATE. THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS LOVED HIM, HE'S GOT IT HERE. GOOD. I'm going to stay, but only because I'm morbidly curious to know who's going to win. ♪♪♪ THAT SONG MEANS THAT FATHER MICHAEL COMES TO HEAR CONFESSIONS. IT'S TIME TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. I'M AIDAN KILLKENNY AND WE'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.