I Hired An MI6 Spy To Help Me Disappear

It's hard to find a good costume. I mean it literally and metaphorically. (suspenseful instrumental music) MI6 agents often use disguises to escape life-threatening situations. Today an MI6 agent will teach me how to use a practical disguise. Apparently sneaking around town using a couch is impractical and something that would make a (bleep). Now I have become a two-seater sofa. (dramatic instrumental music) What experience do you have working for the British government? 25 years in the British Army, five of which in the Special Air Service, and 18 years in the Manchester Secret Intelligence Service. Your book says you've been arrested.

You're clearly not in jail right now. What the fuck? I was arrested for murder, of which I was later acquitted and released. I was arrested for diamond smuggling in Sierra Leone, of which I have not been acquitted. I managed to escape from Sierra Leone. What does an MI6 agent do? They trained me in a number of skills. I was a very well trained helicopter pilot, unarmed combat, paratrooper trained in free fall, infiltration and exfiltration in hostile territory, boarding, disembarking from submarines. Surveillance, anti-surveillance and counter-surveillance. Improvised costumes. Not long-term disguises, but being able to change your disguise very quickly, so we could lose a surveillance team.

So now I'm going to ask you a favor. I need your

help

to

disappear

. Will you take me under your protection, train me, treat me like a son and give me all your skills so I can escape from a private investigator who is following me? It won't be easy, but we will certainly do our best. For today's challenge, I will learn lessons from this MI6 agent and try to use them to escape from a private investigator. I'm going to follow your strategy suggestions. If your strategy is successful and I do a great job listening to you and disguising you, I would like you to write me a letter of recommendation to work at MI6.

OK. If your strategy doesn't work, I will punish you. I'll have you write a 30-second song in a music genre you don't like and then we'll shoot a music video of you performing it. There's only one genre I hate. Country and western. Is it too slow for you? No, it's just the pathetic lyrics involved. (spooky atmospheric music) What do you think are my chances of success? 90% that you will be successful. I think I will be 100% successful. Okay, nothing better. Let's go for it. Excellent. OK. Thank you. For the next two hours, the MI6 agent will take me under his wing and train me.

I know everyone hates school, so I won't bore you with two hours of learning (bleep). Instead, I'll show you a three-second training montage. What you are wearing. We just spin. Yes, too much color. I wish high school was only three seconds of learning. I'm right? There's no one in the room with me. Honestly, I will show highlights of my MI6 training later, when necessary. Now it's time to meet the private investigator I'm challenging today. How old do you have to be a private investigator? I have been a private investigator for almost 20 years. What does a private investigator do?

A private investigator can do many things. I specialize in surveillance. When people ask you what your profession is, do you say I'm a crafty guy? No. Now I'm going to challenge you. (creepy atmospheric music) Very intense. I'm going to give you 30 minutes to follow me. At the end of those 30 minutes, if you see me, you can touch me and I will fall to the ground. OK. If at the end of these 30 minutes you win, I will give you my respect. I don't need your respect. If I win this challenge, I will punish you by making you watch me eat a bowl of cereal.

What type of cereal? Crunchy cinnamon toast, baby. Oh. Ken, I wish you the best of luck. Thank you. - Here are the rules for today's challenge. Mike has 30 minutes to escape from the private investigator. Mike cannot flee or enter any vehicle. After 30 minutes, Mike will stay still. If the investigator touches him, Mike loses and will break like ice. (dramatic orchestral music) The challenge begins in three, two, one. (suspenseful orchestral music) Once the timer starts, I follow the MI6 agent's instructions perfectly. Never look down, because then he'll know you're up to something. - If someone following me sees that I know someone is following me, they could accelerate plans to strangle me.

It's best to assume that everyone is following you and go about your business as if it were a normal day. What I'm trying to do is just give him enough space, where he feels comfortable, but also uncomfortable. He is crossing the street, walking normally as if there were no signs of giving me away. I could see Mike, but I don't think he could see me. He's got the green light, so I'm off. - I climb a long flight of stairs and enter a building with unique architecture. So I've already lost sight of Mike. I feel like what I need to do now is make sure I can move.

What have I entered into? This building happens to be my alma mater, Emerson College. I emailed school officials two days ago with an urgent request to use their bathrooms. They must have thought I was another one of those kids who graduates from college and then can't find bathrooms. Fortunately, Emerson's security guards let me into their private bathrooms. I start taking off my clothes getting ready for my costume. If you look closely, you can see that my arms and legs are hairless. The night before this challenge, I spent two hours shaving. Did I want silky smooth skin to finally feel sexy for once in my life?

No sir. The reason I did this will be revealed to you eventually. Be patient and take a licorice. - Hi guys. Will we be able to access the third floor? Well. - As I put on my top secret costume, I can't

help

but remember what the MI6 agent taught me about speed. The art of disguise to avoid surveillance is that you have to do it quickly. Maximum, five minutes. - Five minutes should be enough time to change my appearance, right? Mistaken. Since I was a teenager I have had extremely sensitive skin. I'm not the Lebron James of shaving my face, and by that I mean I accidentally cut myself shaving all the time.

Now that I know security is watching us, I know he's not in the building like he's joking. So that really only brings you to one option: did he come out while I was on the other side of the stairs and get out of the elevator, or did he wait for me to walk? If I do a terrible job with the razor and leave blood dripping down my face, the private investigator will catch me right away. My sensitive skin could be my downfall in escaping this private investigator, plus the reason I never had a girlfriend until recently.

Seven minutes in and I'm only 74% done shaving. There are many more steps to my costume, so I have to abandon shaving. I can't waste any more time. I will never look as smooth as Pitbull. The singer, not the breed of dog. The watcher will focus on their colors, their size, their general shape, their behavior and their gait. So, you change everything you can. (dramatic instrumental music) (cuts to suspenseful piano music) All my thoughts lead me to believe that he is probably here. I put on a beautiful dress and looked at the time. My transformation has taken more than 10 minutes.

This is (bleep) embarrassing. I don't want to let down the MI6 agent today like I let everyone else in my life down. The MI6 agent suggested I dress up as a pregnant woman. (loading orchestral music) Before leaving the building, I remember another lesson from the MI6 agent. Change your gait as you walk. - The MI6 agent suggested I modify my normal walk to a drastically different walk. I showed him a special skill I learned in high school. I call this the crab walk and he calls me an idiot. Then he teaches me a more realistic walking style that he should use.

Right, left, right. That's the way. Pretending to be pregnant, and even more so, happy, I begin to go down the stairs of the building. It's time to see if the private investigator finds out about me. (suspenseful instrumental music) Will the researcher believe that I am a really happy and lucky pregnant woman? Will he see my pathetic shave, rip off my dress and attack me? Will he get jealous of how good I look and decide to get pregnant himself? One glaring mistake I made while rushing to put this costume on is that I forgot to zip up the back of my dress.

My bra straps and the small of my back are exposed, like I'm a flirty, pregnant stripper named Diamonds. So, I'm about two blocks from where we started. (Cues to dramatic electronic music) Victory belongs to Mike. Since I'm not a monster, I decide to show the private investigator how I escaped. (upbeat rock music) Ken, you can look at me. (laughing) I was a pregnant woman. I wasn't really paying attention to the woman crossing the street. I won, so I'll punish you by making you watch me eat cereal. (cereal crunch) This is a good box. I decided to do a little preliminary study on my own.

Instead of watching you for half an hour or two hours, I watched you for 12 hours. I've got you going out to lunch for a bit. Was this on Saturday? - It was Saturday. - You followed me (mumbling). You went to the market. I couldn't really understand what you bought, because I was a couple of steps behind you. Wow. I call the MI6 agent who trained me to tell him the wonderful news. Your plan worked perfectly. Oh, well done my son. I told you we could do it. To Mr. Alexander Junder, CMG, MI6 Headquarters, London, England. Dear Alex, recommendation for employment.

My good friend Mike Carrier. The next time you see me, I may be working for the British government. Ah, one more thing. The MI6 agent gave me permission to publish the song he wrote. I hope you enjoy his music video. Well, this is a little song my poppy told me when he was no taller than the raccoons (bleep). ♪ I met a girl, she was a beauty ♪ ​​♪ And she came from Tennessee ♪ ♪ She stole my heart when she laid next to me ♪ ♪ She gave me an STD ♪ ♪ 15 years we've been together ♪ ♪ She plowed the fields ♪ ♪ And I fought with our enemies ♪ ♪ You're gone now, and all I have left ♪ ♪ 14 children, one leg and a broken nose ♪ ♪ Billy Joe, I love your body ♪ ♪ Tattooed skin from head to toe ♪ ♪ The works of Shakespeare they cross your ass ♪ ♪ And I'll be left with nothing ♪ ♪ To read if you should go ♪ ♪ Yee-haw ♪