How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Jerk

What's wrong with everyone? I'm Charlie from Charisma on Command and today I want to help you deal with people in your life who are

being

passive-aggressive. It can be used by anyone, from a friend to a co-worker, someone you just met at a bar or at a party. A simple warning I will give you. This will work, but be careful when using it with people who have influence over your life, for example, your boss. Because, as you will see, one of the steps in several of the steps is to report it, walk away and basically eliminate that person from your life;

Hard to do if it's your boss. Then we will have other strategies to deal with conflicts when they are with superiors. But this is one you can use in many, many situations. That said, this is an interview with Robert Downey Jr. He's doing a press conference for Age of Ultron, and in this interview, the interviewer, in left field, starts asking him questions about his drug history, his relationship with his father, things that are simply inappropriate and aimed at making him angry. So I want to start where the interview is still copacetic, it's still interesting and you can watch it evolve in the first 15 seconds.

And do you see that expression on his face? We often have this moment where we can tell something is coming. There is a trap about to fall. Someone is about to unleash their passive aggressiveness on us. Robert just has to wait and accept it because he is not aggressive, and this really is the first step. What I will say here is watch the eye contact ahead. Robert continues to look directly at this guy, while he can barely hold his gaze. The important thing here is something you can accept, is that when someone is

being

passive-aggressive towards you, they often don't have the guts to be overtly aggressive.

They are trying to hide that. So by just looking into their eyes with that stare, you can often avoid that, right? Many times they will go back on what is said. This is not the case with this interview, but it is a great step. Maintain strong, consistent eye contact. Let that person know that you know what is happening without saying a word. And do you see that? That's like a penetrating look he has. He's letting her know that he knows what's going on. Then interestingly, and this is actually what I recommend you do, you'll notice that he's answering the question pretty much verbatim, which is what you often want to do when you feel like someone is being passive-aggressive.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Many times, that eye contact will deter them. They will stop being passive-aggressive or you may simply have misunderstood. So instead of jumping at someone's throat right away or constantly creating conflict, give them, once and for all, the benefit of the doubt. Answer his question, do what they are doing to the letter. Notice this here. This is what I call a warning shot. So he is giving you the opportunity to stop following this line. He has explained to her that he has no idea how to begin to answer this question, the guy persists.

So right here, you see, he gives her a kind warning shot. And then again, let's go back to being kind... This is important. Often when people are being passive-aggressive, they are trying to box you in with some kind of question about where your answer choices are bad for you anyway. What Robert Downey Jr. is doing here, instead of simply answering his question, is reframing it in terms of him being able to come out of it the way he wants to be perceived, right? He doesn't want to say liberal this, Republican this, Democrat that, that's not a path he wants to follow.

So you take the time to reframe the question as: "You know what? He was young. I don't even know what I meant. He could guess what I meant; who knows?" So he basically dismissed this question by rephrasing it there. Let's move forward now, this continues. Actually, let's leave it at that because it's fun to watch it fall apart. And, if you like, this is just a study in what nervous body language looks like. This guy knows exactly what he's doing. He notices the shaking hands, the lack of eye contact, he is sitting too far back in his chair, he is fidgeting all the time.

This is what nervousness looks like. So, clearly, he's getting angry. He sees, he's given this guy eye contact. He has given her the benefit of the doubt. He's even given him a warning shot, and this guy keeps going, so what does he do next? He will say it out loud and just listen to what comes after this. Again, this is the first time Robert has been anything less than kind. He's saying in a very clear way, "You're obviously nervous. You know what you're doing. I know what's going on. Get over this." And stuttering and staring, the guy goes on, so right now, if you look at his chest, Robert Downey Jr. is breathing very, very heavily.

He's going into fight or flight mode, which is common when someone approaches you, even if it's not physically. This is clearly a direct attack. He is trying to make her angry. He knows what's going on. As you see, he begins to breathe deeply, he begins to fight or flee. Some people might get scared here, but, notably, not him. And this is the most open complaint. This is the third step of what you've gone through: you've given them eye contact, you've told them that you know what's going on. You've given them the benefit of the doubt. You have fired the warning shot.

You have openly called the foot or whatever. He very clearly, in plain English, says, "What's going on here?" This is appropriate if you have given the person so many subtle warnings with passive aggressiveness. "What are you doing?" It's a perfectly good question in this situation. Maintain eye contact. Look what the boy says. And that is. Walk away. This is the most important thing and that's why I said it can be hard to do when you're with your boss or something. You don't need people in your life who behave like this. You don't have to sit and endure any kind of passive-aggressive attack on you, even if it doesn't feel like an attack or look like an attack on the outside.

This person, with the way he has interacted, is trying to make you angry. Do not panic. Don't take it. Walk away from the situation once you have reported it. And it shows, he does it in a very fine, friendly and affable way. He doesn't walk away screaming, cursing the guy. That's the way to handle this situation. And then this guy looks at him and says, "What an idiot you are," and he is. So, I hope it was helpful. The steps, a quick summary, are: If you feel like someone is being passive-aggressive, maintain eye contact. Second, keep the benefit of the doubt; maybe it's just a weird question, maybe you're interpreting it wrong.

Third, give them a warning opportunity. You can be like, “I don't know why we're talking about this, but…” and then you move on. Fourth, tell me. You have to say, "What are we doing here? What are you trying to do?" And then, if they don't stop, remove

yourself

from the situation. This is a small way to deal with passive aggressiveness in many life situations. I hope you have been helpful. If so, subscribe to the channel. We will make more videos like these and of course if you want to get more of this that is not on the channel, we always make this offer at the end of our videos.

We have a free hour of Charisma Breakdown. Robert Downey is included there. It's part of a course that we actually sell, but you can get this bonus material right now, today, for free and with no strings attached. Just click on the link I'll have here and sign up. I hope this was helpful and I'll see you soon in the next video.