Honor Your Wife. Jeff Allen - Full Special

plane because the back six rows of little Joey could use some peanut dust. on his elbow and drop dead, will someone tell me where all these peanut allergies came from? You're about my age. You even remember a boy with a peanut, none now, the omnipresent one. I'm telling you, terrorists don't need to blow up any buildings. they need to take over a planter factory in Atlanta, crop dust, that's it, they would wipe out a third of the millennial population and if you have a peanut allergy don't email me, you don't know what it's like, I need to be grossed out.

Die, whatever you need. My father used to give my brother and me food that my sisters didn't have to eat. He called it man's food, it was canned sardines and he said, I said, I'm not going to eat this, he said it will put hair on

your

chest, I'm eight years, that's good, he said every man wants hair on his chest boy, really yes, who knew that in the 21st century all men would remove all their chest hair? I want to meet the first man who pulled out his chest hair. I really want him because I'm going to hit him right in the chest. face in a loving Christian way of course Tammy told me about a year ago she says I want you to look at waxing that's what she said sir I want you to look at waxing I

honor

ed my

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, I looked at waxing.

The thing came back and she said, "Get used to the skin." It's not going anywhere. Are you kidding? If we lost our minds as a culture, we spent billions of dollars to have someone rip out our body hair by the roots, that hurts, but we won. Don't let our federal government drip water in the faces of terrorists. I think the CIA needs to open some spas around the world, you know, Ahmed, before we send you back to the battlefield as part of Western civilization's new catch-and-release program. You're lucky, the US government will clean you up today, buddy, those 72 damsels you're dying to sleep with in the next life, they don't want to sleep next to a rug, so get in the truck, my little friend from rehearsal.

I'm going to the mall, it's just a thought, such a complete revelation that I got waxed. Tammy kept pushing and pushing and pushing, she finally said the magic words she said. I think it would be sexy for you. Look my

wife

and I have been married 33. Sexy years is not a word used often in our house. Our idea of ​​sexting is that we send pictures of desserts to each other on our cell phones. She'll give it back to me, it's a six layer carrot cake so I don't care what. It is, but my wife told me: you know a face tattoo would be sexy, I'm going to get it, that's all I'm saying, there are three billion women that inhabit planet earth, I only care if one of them Those women think I'm sex.

That's her, so I made the decision when she left town. She was going to surprise her. I said they were going to shave me. I entered Google. I looked for the wax. People found me. Chell. It's Mitchell. Don't make the mistake of. calling her michelle apparently it hurt a sore spot so mitchell prepares me to soap up she has a piece of tape there she says are you ready i said yes you know she goes that has never happened to me i tried to scream and nothing came out i have to imagine that There were dogs two blocks away, it sounds like another man is getting a wax job with Michelle, that hurts so much, I'm telling you, and then she starts putting another piece of tape on me and I can't.

I ended up tapping like a fighter and then I found my voice I said no, stay away from me sick woman don't touch me oh that's what I meant when I couldn't I was going to leave it I really was I was going to leave and I looked in the mirror and I had this white strip that looked like a tag with no name, it was just and all these weeds around it, so if you're locked in I couldn't stop anyway, she just says I can take my time, I'm coming, don't take it, just finish with This, she cleans me, I look in the mirror, I was pink, sir, I was pink, I was pink, I look like a limp piece of bazooka gum and everything I do.

What I can think of is that she thinks she's sexy. Okay, I don't count on the taste, but I agree, so the next day she came home from the road. I went to surprise her, so I went to the bathroom, put on some shorts and took off my shirt. I'm standing there in shorts and no shirt trying to get her to notice while we're talking she looks at me and says are you having a stroke? I told her no, she says: What did you do? I told him I got waxed. It's not the reaction. I was looking for what it is ooh she says oh god put on a shirt it's scaring me she says you look like patrick from spongebob

jeff

patrick isn't sexy the things you do to

honor

your

wife lord never again it's a give and take it's you do , you make compromises, you do things, you know, I'm a recovering drug addict, alcoholic, I've been, I've been 32 years without drinking, I've been married 33 years, so after a year of marriage I realized I was one. or the other and I made the decision to quit now.

Tammy has had closet vision for 33 years and it's one of those things that drives me crazy as a husband, but she won't do anything to correct it and you're telling me this is closet vision? vision for 33 years this is how we have a date to go out tammy will get in the shower she will get out of the shower she will wrap herself in a towel she will stand in front of her mirror she will put on her makeup and then she goes into her closet and goes blind for an hour everything I hear coming out of the closet there's nothing to wear nothing nothing every once in a while she'll emerge holding something what do you think of that and I Say you look beautiful in it she'll go you're just saying you're right I am no I don't care, put on burlap, let's go to the restaurant before they change management once again and I was thinking about it. has to return to the garden of eden it really says it in the bible adam and eve sinned for the first time it was the first time they felt ashamed of their nakedness and felt that if they could dress they could hide their What shame of God, it was the first time that the humanity put on clothes, so you know, Adam put on clothes right away.

The first leaf on the ground. I'm ready. Let's go. Eve probably shot that garden. Three four days. I never found anything. She just walks. I do not know what. he expects us to use there is nothing to use around here adam is going to try the fake no one uses a fig after september idiot try the fern the fern makes me look fat you don't have an animal a name get out of here it's surprising how quickly the vision of Tammy would come back once she was dressed because she would come out of the closet, look at me and say, "You're not wearing those clothes, are you?

These are my practice clothes, they went out of style while I was waiting for you to get them." dress I mentioned to my grandchildren I am a grandfather and anyone here as a grandfather knows that those are the most

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people on the planet, they really are and the most touching and I can tell you where I was and what time of day it was when my granddaughter the first grandson that we had said my name dad she was in the bathtub we were watching her she was in the house and she was splashing in the bathtub early in the afternoon and my wife calls me in the bathroom and says you have to listen to this and my little granddaughter is sitting there and Tammy says Evelyn , who is that? and Evelyn says dad, I'm telling you, man, I started crying and that's what Tammy said, you need to get your blood tested for that low T thing, I'm not kidding.

She says she needs to get tested for low levels of tea and I said uh sir, I honored my wife, that's what you do, you honor your wife. They did blood work anyway, they call me and tell me it's not low levels. Doesn't she say? No you have nothing zero we had to retest it was so low they told me I had high estrogen I had high estrogen and I had no testosterone which explained all the HDTV there was been watching, yes, my friends called. yo sunday hey man the bears are on the march i wouldn't go no way man chip and joanna got a

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so i told the doctor if i do this if i do this what will he do for me? and he said: you.

I will be like a 25-year-old man again. I really won't be that stupid because I have to tell you that I don't think my body can survive my 20s again. Not really, he says no, you'd be like I'm 25 and I actually have a 58 year old menopausal wife at home. I think he should check in with her to see if she wants a 25 year old man to pursue her. He finally put a knife in my chest and finished it. I know. The next thing she would know she is on the dating line trying to defend herself. Do you ever check the dating line?

I'm telling you the whole franchise, the spouses are killing each other. That's it, men, men, look at five lines of quotes with your wife, you will look right into her eyes. We're fine, you and I, yes, I'm telling you, I didn't see menopause coming, I really didn't, there are nights when I lie in bed and dream about the old days of PMS, believe me, there are weeks when Come on in, I can't make your house cold enough for your body, I'm telling you there's not enough Freon in the world, if there's a hole in the ozone, it's on the roof of my house in Tennessee, it's 48 degrees in my house. room, I have meat hanging. from my curtain rods she comes in and turns on a 64 blade fan that she installed I had to bolt the furniture to the floor to avoid being sucked into the ceiling she stands in the middle of the room why is it so hot in here?

jeff

rey why is it so hot I can't see her because of the fog coming out of her mouth and then she wakes me up to feel her night sweats is it even necessary I'm fast asleep when she unzips my parka while I'm lying there I wake up and I feel Jeffrey, it's disgusting, look at me, there's like a furnace inside me or something, you're lucky you don't have to go through this, you know I wouldn't if you stopped waking me up and telling me.

I found out about that. I could sleep while she sweats. Could. It doesn't make much noise. Oh, and one night I wake up. There is a human being at the foot of my bed. At three in the morning, I don't know. If you've ever had this there's an adult human the three of us in a dark room I had a heart attack it was her she was at the foot of my bed cutting the bottom of her flannel pajamas with scissors because her sweaty legs were sticking and this demonic thing was coming out of her mouth I'm not kidding I grabbed my kids the next day I said mom is going through some serious stuff here like what do you remember those nights you didn't do your homework she got mad I'll let you talk he says I remember this It's different, she could be crying and then stab them, you guys have been great, God bless you, thank you very much.