Guillermo at the Oscars

THE OSCARS HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. ALL THE STARS WERE ALIGNED ON THE RED CARPET. AND AGAIN WHO WAS THERE TO REALIGN THEM? NO OTHER THAN OUR FRIEND GUILLERMO, WHO PRESENTED THIS REPORT. ♪ Guillermo: HELLO, IT'S ME GUILLERMO. I'M HERE AT THE OSCARS. AND IT'S TIME TO GO PLATANOS WITH DON JULIO 1942. HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? HELLO GUILLERMO. Guillermo: HOW ARE YOU? I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU? Guillermo: YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU. Guillermo: ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THE WHITE THIS YEAR? HAPPY FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE? Guillermo: YES. THEY ARE ALL NOMINATED. IT SEEMS LIKE THIS IS THE YEAR. IT'S YOUR YEAR EVERY YEAR.

GOOD? Guillermo: MOST OF THE TIME. YES, MOST OF THE TIME. Guillermo: IS HITLER GREAT? NO. Guillermo: NO? HE IS AN ABSOLUTE PSYCHOLOGIST. Guillermo: HELLO, AL PACINO. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. Guillermo: HOW ARE YOU? VERY GOOD. Guillermo: ARE YOU AFRAID OF AL PACINO? I'M TERRIFIED OF HIM. IS HE HERE? Guillermo: WHO IS CUTTER, BABY YODA OR ME? BABY YODA. Guillermo: YOU KNOW MERYL STREEP, DON'T YOU? I DO IT. Guillermo: SHE IS NOT NOMINATED THIS YEAR. I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. SHE SHOULD BE NOMINATED FOR WALKING DOWN THE STREET. Guillermo: I SAW IT TOO. So I made him a card and I want everyone to sign it.

YES, THAT'S SWEET. I THINK THIS WILL REALLY MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. Guillermo: SIGN HERE SO YOU FEEL BETTER. THAT'S LOVELY. Guillermo: IS ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO MERYL STREEP? YES. YOU'RE A LOSER THIS YEAR BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET THEM NEXT TIME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I LOVE MERYL STREEP AND I THINK SHE'S ALWAYS A WINNER. THAT'S WHY I'M NOT GOING TO SIGN THIS CARD. Guillermo: OH, okay. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? ARE YOU PRESENTING? I AM PRESENTING. I'M SO NERVOUS AND EXCITED. Guillermo: I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU. GOOD. Guillermo: HERE. WHY DIDN'T THE “JOKER” STAR TAKE A LIMOUSINE?

BECAUSE I PREFERRED JOAQUÍN. BRILLIANT. WHY ARE WOMEN SO SMALL? Guillermo: WHY? BECAUSE THEY USE SPANX. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TAKE ONE POTATO AND ADD ANOTHER POTATO? Guillermo: WHAT DO YOU GET? TWO POPES. Guillermo: I DIDN'T SEE THAT MOVIE "PARASITE" BECAUSE I HAVE A MOTHER-IN-LAW. WHAT IS THIS? Guillermo: CAN YOU TRANSLATE? OH. VERY SAD. DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT RIGHT NOW? Guillermo: YES, READ IT. "1917" IS NOT JUST A MOVIE. IT'S ALSO THE NUMBER OF TIMES I HAD TO URINE DURING "THE IRISH". THEN HOLD THIS AND THEN RELEASE. Guillermo: HOW ARE YOU? I'M FINE.

HOW ARE YOU? Guillermo: ARE WE GETTING TOGETHER AGAIN OR WHAT? ARE WE BREAKING UP? Guillermo: YES, WE DID IT. I DIDN'T KNOW. Guillermo: YES. I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU. WELL? LOOK. READ THEM. SHOULD I TRY THIS? GRPTD YES. TRY IT. HE'S A SMART GUY. Guillermo: TRY IT. I WILL TRY IT. I WILL TRY IT TONIGHT. Guillermo: I WILL READ IT. WHAT DOES BRAD PITT SWEAT FROM? HIS PIT of hers. I'M SO FUNNY. Guillermo: ROBERTO! ROBERT DE NIRO RIGHT HERE! ROBERT! THE IRISH MAN DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO THE MEXICAN. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? YOU ARE PRECIOUS.

THANK YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? Guillermo: I AM INTERVIEWING YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GO BANANA TONIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? Guillermo: HERE. LET'S GO BANANA TONIGHT. VERY FAST. HOW MANY OTHER LIPS HAVE TOUCHED THIS? Guillermo: YOU ARE THE FIRST. I PROMISE. YOU ARE A LIAR. Guillermo: I SWEAR. WHAT'S INSIDE? I guess we'll figure it out. Guillermo: TEQUILA. IT'S SOFT. Guillermo: YES. OH MY GOD. IS THAT TEQUILA IN THAT BANANA? YES. I'M DOING IT. Guillermo: I ALWAYS HAVE TEQUILA ON MY BANANA. HOW MANY PEOPLE PUT THEIR MOUTHS ON THIS? Guillermo: NO ONE. UNTIL NOBODY.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST. DO YOU WANT A DRINK OF MY BANANA? NO. THAT SOUNDS FALSE. Guillermo: NO? NO. Guillermo: WAIT. I AM RECEIVING A PHONE CALL. I THINK IT'S FOR YOU. IN THIS TEQUILA. HELLO. THAT? I CAN NOT HEAR YOU. Guillermo: LIKE THIS. AMAZING. YOU DID THIS? Guillermo: YES. IT IS MEXICAN TECHNOLOGY. WOW! THAT'S VERY GOOD. OH! I CAN'T DRINK RIGHT NOW. Guillermo: NO? NO. I HAVE TO WORK, MAN. Guillermo: Okay. AND A REGULAR ONE? YOU ARE MY KIND OF GIRL. CHARLIZE HOW ARE YOU? WHERE IS MY STANCE? Guillermo: ON THE BANANA. OH MY GOD.

Guillermo: TEQUILA IS CALLING YOU. OH MY GOD. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW MANY OF THESE DO YOU HAVE? Let me feel you. GOOD. THAT WAS GOOD. I'm so glad I met you tonight. Guillermo: ONE MORE JOKE. THIS IS IRISH. WHAT DID THE IRISH SAY TO THE MEXICAN? LET'S GET DRUNK. I LIKE IT, MAN. WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER THE SHOW? I WILL NOT BE WITH YOU. Guillermo: VERY GOOD. BUT I GIVE YOU A KISS. Guillermo: THANK YOU. I JUST GET TO FIRST BASE WITH HARVEY KEITEL. THAT'S WHAT ABOUT THE RED CARPET. EVERYONE LOVES TO DRINK FROM MY BANANA.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR. Jimmy: THIS IS HOW WE GIVE EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD THE FLU. WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.