Golden Globes 2012 - Ricky Gervais Opening Monologue

live from the Starfield International Ballroom at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards and now your host for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Ricky J, applause, oh, where was I? I'm nervous, don't worry, this isn't about you, right? Hello, I'm Ricky D and welcome to the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles, voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association tonight. Britain's biggest comedian will host the world's second-largest awards show at the third-largest venue in the United States. Network sorry, it's the fourth, it's the fourth for any of you who don't know that the Golden Globes are like the Oscars, but without all that esteem, the Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton Basically, a little louder, a little more trashy. a little drunker and easier to buy um supposedly nothing has been tried, but who needs the Oscars, not me and not Eddie Murphy, he abandoned them, said no and good for him, but when the man who said yes to Norbit tells you no, you know.

You are in trouble. I love Eddie Murphy. He loves to dress. Isn't he versatile? It is versatile. No, it's a bit trivial for you. Actually, Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler played all the roles in the movie The Help. It's not that bright. They were brilliant, I can't believe they aren't here or maybe they are, they are Masters of Disguise, they could be now, the Hollywood Foreign Press has warned me that if I am one of you or any of them offend any viewer or cause any Any controversy, I will definitely be invited back next year. In fact, they gave me a list of rules.

I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out loud, okay, this is real, okay, no bad words, okay. I have a huge vocabulary, no nudity, look, it's a shame, because I have a huge vocabulary, um, but a small penis, no, it's true, it doesn't matter, I don't care, it works, don't worry, it's okay, it's good. No, I don't make obscenities or innuendos and I'm not responsible for anyone and I shouldn't mention Mal Gibson this year, nor his private life, his politics, his recent movies and especially not Jod Foster's Beaver, um, I haven't seen it.

I did it myself. I've talked to a lot of guys here, they haven't seen it either, but that doesn't mean it's not good. I'm sorry. I don't mind. It's been an incredible year in show business. Not everything has been like that. Good news, what's up with all the divorces? What's going on? I mean, Arnold and Maria, JLo, and Mark Anthony, Ashon and Dei, Kim Kardashian and a guy I know. I remember that he was not there, he was not there. Long 72 days, a marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches than that other celebrity scandal.

Justin Bieber almost had to take a paternity test. What a waste of evidence that would have been. No, he is not the father. The only way he could have gotten a girl pregnant was. if you borrowed one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters wide open, it's been a great year for women in movies, bridesmaid, one of my favorite comedies of the year, yes, the girls finally proved that They can be just as juicy as men who fart, belch, curse and act wild. sexual acts including pooping in the sink. In fact, I heard during a search that the car spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirin.

She's terrible, honestly, you don't see it, you don't see much because she has good PR, but she's out of line, uh, but. The Golden Gloves aren't just about movies, they also celebrate the best of television and new shows like Homeland, which is amazing, and returning shows like B D Empire. I love that show, it's great. It's for those who don't. I don't know, it's about a bunch of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and engaged in bribery and corruption and worked their way into high society, but enough about the Hollywood foreign press. I'm kidding, I love them and them.

They're good sports for inviting me back and what I didn't know is that they do a ton for charities and their non-profit, as does NBC, so thank you, should we move on this time last year? Our first presenter was the biggest movie star in the world. planet, but I insulted his movie The Tourist, which caused his career to plummet to such an extent that he was forced to work with me on my new show Life Too Short, which premieres on HBO on February 19 . Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton says. him with Johnny Depp just go right before I want to ask you a question is it real can you have a little bit just checking yeah um and be honest what are you taking recreation or drugs?

I'm kidding, no, that's not the question and we all know the answer, are you ready? I guess you've seen the tourist already, right? Oh boy, it's fun.