Game Theory: Why Mario is Mental, Part 1

Move over Walter White, there's a new anti-hero in town and his name is Mario Jumpman Mario Hello Internet, welcome to Game Theory! Where we put the "O!" in Super Mario. Hey, sorry, "Super" Mario? More like a super villain! Because behind those chubby cheeks, that bulbous nose, and that '80s porn star mustache lurks a truly evil man. And let me make it clear: no, that's not a joke. This is not a "syke, I fooled them!" moment as we did when we were refuting Mario's communist connections, nor is this mere speculation like when we look at the franchise's link to organized kidnappings.

No, after doing the research I am convinced that this supposed hero of the Mushroom Kingdom is actually a murderer, womanizer and animal abuser; a cruel and misanthropic sociopath. Do I have your attention now? Prepare to have your worlds rocked, theorists, because this is going to be a stunner that will forever change how you feel about gaming's biggest mascot! The warning signs were there from the beginning - Donkey Kong for the arcade featured Mario's first appearance - but even in those early days, something was wrong. The story, as we know it, is this: a giant ape steals Mario's girlfriend and the heroic Italian must get her back.

That's all. And it sounds good in

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, but have you ever stopped to consider why Donkey Kong steals the girl in the first place? Of course not. Raised on movies like "King Kong" and years of damsel-in-distress fairy tales, we just assume we're the good guys, fighting the evil primate to save the girl. But you know what they say about assuming, right? He makes an idiot of you and me. Here is the truth, or rather, the rest of the story. Did you know that Mario was the master of Donkey Kong? That he abused the ape, which is why D.K.

He freed himself and ran away with Mario's girlfriend. Getting even. Yes, that's a fact: you don't hear Nintendo trumpeting their cash cow dressed in red! Now you would be absolutely right if you asked me, "Well, where does it say that Mario was D.K.'s teacher?" The arcade

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didn't come with a story and the ports to Atari and Coleco Vision give a vague "Mario must save the girl" plot. Other sources like Cracked.com or Wikipedia cite the book "Geektionary", which I read, but here at GT we try not to rest until we have primary sources.

So I did some more research and found this. I present to you: Donkey Kong Circus, from Game & Watch Gallery, the prequel to the original Donkey Kong where we see Jumpman's side business where it turns out that he runs a circus show and the star attraction: Donkey Kong. D.K. juggling pine cones and avoiding fireballs while balancing on a barrel. They made him look like a fool, made him burn his hands, scolded him and laughed when he was missing a pineapple and it was clearly not the proper way to treat a great ape. Mario, a teacher who intentionally puts his pet in uncomfortable situations, physically hurting them with fire, laughing and humiliating them, is lucky that the Tanooki suit is the only thing that caught PETA's attention!

Ohoho, but dear theorists, we have only just begun. If we're talking about Mario's predilection for animal abuse, we don't even need to explore the dark corners of the Game & Watch Gallery: Mario doesn't do much to hide his violent tendencies. In the wake of Donkey Kong, upset at being forced to climb beams for his girl, Mario punishes his newly captured ape in their next

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together: Donkey Kong Jr., where he rips Donkey Kong from his son, cages him, and then uses a whip to defend his prize. In the final screen, Mario even whips the birds to make them do his bidding!

But what's worse than his treatment of the adult Kong is his abuse of the younger ape. Think about what we're seeing here: Mario is forcing a baby monkey to cheat death to rescue his father! Just look at the absolute anguish and fear on that poor ape's young face! In the third screen, he uses a crowbar to actively try to electrocute D.K. Jr. Let me reiterate that point: Mario, this video game icon, model of heroism, attempts to electrocute a baby monkey to rescue his father, a father who was endangered and humiliated in a circus show run by a dressed-up carpenter.

Red. who wields a whip. This is the behavior we have ignored and overlooked, dear players. And this is information that Nintendo has been happy to quietly sweep under the rug. But wait, that's not all. This time we are going to get all the skeletons out of the closet. Mario is an equal opportunity animal abuser; He also hates bugs. Take, for example, Wigglers. Innocent, happy caterpillars who, throughout the entire Mario franchise, show no intention of harming Mario. They have damn daisies on their heads from crying out loud! And what does our "hero" do? He ruins his home not once, but twice, in both Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Sunshine.

Then, after destroying his houses, he proceeds to jump on them, crushing them to death. An innocent creature who did nothing wrong except get angry when his home was violated. From this perspective, Mario is no better than a child burning ants with a magnifying glass. torturing small insects just for fun. And the Wigglers are just one of many examples. That's not to mention creatures like Cheep Cheeps, fish that just swim around peacefully and don't even attack Mario, who are attacked and burned alive by Mario's fiery vengeance. But let's cut the guy some slack. Wigglers and the rest are "enemies" in the game because, you know, Mario is supposedly the hero and stuff.

However, what is unforgivable is the mistreatment he gives to his family and his allies. Take, for example, the Yoshi. We learn at the beginning of Yoshi's Island that these cute dinosaurs are responsible for saving Mario's life! Long story short: A stork drops baby Mario, who luckily lands safely on a Yoshi's back. Does the rest of the game have a team of Yoshis Yoshii? Yoshis. Yoshi risks his lives to reunite the baby with his kidnapped brother and then hands them over to his parents. A nice story, right? Comforting. Go right there. Well, fast forward to adult Mario, once again jumping on top of his loyal and trusted friend to save the day and...wait, he just punched her.

Look again: Mario hits the Yoshis to make them extend their tongues. You can even see Yoshi flinch before it happens! He is physically beating this animal to make it do what he wants it to do. And let's not forget that Mario will drop a Yoshi into a well without hesitation just to get a couple more inches off his jump. A pit that, time and time again, has been clearly shown to result in death. Once again, we don't just see animal abuse: we see family abuse. Lest we forget, this is Yoshi, the same creature who had to deal with this and that to keep baby Mario safe.

These soft-hearted dinosaurs are practically family and what do they get? One punch and one hole! Disposable like tissues. If only they had fed that nasty baby a piranha plant, the Mushroom Kingdom would be a happier, safer place. Speaking of abusing family, the next, in my opinion, is Mario's worst sin: his treatment of Luigi. Now, he stop for a moment and look at this guy. He's a lovable coward, an awkward wannabe hero who thinks a lot about his brother. Look at the way he reacts at the end of Luigi's Mansion when he sees that his brother is safe.

Although he is told primarily through ridiculous gestures and sounds, his joy is touching. Without a doubt, Luigi is one of the sweetest and most genuine characters in video games. In Paper Mario, you can read his secret diary, which goes on for pages about how much he admires Mario, how much he wishes he could go on these adventures, how he is asked over and over again to be included in the next big mission. And what we read is that Mario has crushed those dreams, he has crushed them like the thousands of Goombas that he has crushed under his fat Italian weight. denying his brother any chance to fulfill her dreams of living a happy life.

But it is worse than pure negligence. Watch the ending of New Super Mario Brothers Wii. Luigi flies in, offers Mario and Peach space in his balloon, and then they fly away without him. They don't acknowledge his existence, they don't thank him, they don't invite him to fly with them, they just ignore him completely. It is less than the rest of Koopa on the sole of Mario's shoes. Luigi also doesn't get any thanks at the end of Mario is Missing. After Luigi has completed this mission, Mario just walks out and stands there, he fucking stands there, no thanks, no nothing, he just looks at his brother like: "I hope you liked the dumbest adventure in our franchise, brother ". because that's the most you'll ever get." But what's disgusting, and I mean disgusting, is Mario's behavior at the end of Mario Power Tennis.

Yeah, let's take out the really dark games to get to the heart of this jack@# $.Does it sound like I'm excited? Yes, because I'm excited. I'm angry that this sleazy plumber has cheated on me for decades, that I've been his fanboy. Luigi wins, this is what happens: he celebrates. For once, this perpetual Player 2, this second fiddle gets his chance to be the center of attention. The people cheer him on, a stadium full of people celebrates Luigi, he holds a. trophy and what does Mario do? The brother whose approval Luigi would love more than anything else, what does he do?

He walks up to him, claps his hands, laughs, pats him on the back and then stabs him with his shoe! on his brother's foot! He stands there and grinds it. Still smiling, still laughing. He is so callous, so devoid of love or affection for anything or anyone, even his own brother, that he is unwilling to allow Luigi to obtain even the slightest victory in a game that no one cares about. . And he looks at Luigi: his moment of glory is ruined! The brother he thought would be proud of him in this moment of victory tears him a

part

instead!

He goes completely against everything Luigi has ever associated with his brother and the look on his face proves it! He is confused, bewildered and we should be too. We've been lied to, and at least what I've talked about today shows the disturbing and cruel nature of Mario right now, this willingness to smile in your face while he does something completely horrible and selfish shows how evil he is. And you know what? There is more, much more. Beyond torturing monkeys, beyond destroying animals' homes, beyond beating and killing dinosaurs, and beyond being a cruel and heartless brother. Mario's sins continue, so join me next week; yes, next week, as we conclude our trial of gaming's greatest icon, exposing his penchant for women and murder.

Have I convinced you yet? If not, there is still much to do. In the meantime, it's just a

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. A game theory! Thanks for watching! Seriously, have I convinced you? Well, click one to vote, and before you do, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss next week's exciting conclusion. And last time, Charmander won by 3% over Squirtle; Bulbasaur, unfortunately, didn't stand a chance.