Frankie Boyle's Best Jokes on Mock The Week:Too Hot For TV 3

b c a h means bell yearns for another hole it's a bruised hawk after an antics it looks like he's pointing at a sniper is what it is bill considers murdering hillary I actually saw this uh I saw this headline bell causes anal bleeding, right? Why are porn actors always so worked up? I don't care what they look like. Would it be more aspirational? Just kind of a chubby blog. Well, I wouldn't care if they had been with a spear to be honest, but. Why was David Cameron in the news this

week

? Someone with a spear?

What was the bad news about the Olympics this

week

? Which will take place in Britain, so it will be complete rubbish. Personally, I can't wait for them to arrive. All this must end so we can go kayaking around Hackney in peace. Have you been to the East End of London? I've been there and what you really need is a world class dressage center. He is crying because they are only doing dressage and parking right now, yes they are just dragging homeless people, not only does it not work, it is not the way to see horses at their

best

, I feel that although many of the riders They enjoy killing homeless people in London, there will be an extra. thing where people, athletes, have to use that extra skill of determining which shot is the starting gun, ready on their marks, wait, that was a revenge killing at the door, we have a news agent talking about phones, what you may be streaming from your mobile phone soon pornography in my case danny the moment this record ends any other game it's a smell isn't it smelled? yes it's a smell the smell of porn ah that takes me back well just before this album started the first track is unlikely small ads erectile problems ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha . free shrimp crackers with every delivery what new initiatives are your head office that you are coming up with today is there something where they are going to make pedophiles take lie detector tests how does that work because apparently with the lie detector test you don't You can Ask anyone, you know, so if I go, did you commit the murder that doesn't give correct readings?

You have to sneak up on him, so with the pedophiles they go. Do you remember that Biker Grove show when that was? Have you ever dropped your television? I think what you haven't taken into account, Russell, is that pedophiles have more than one meaning. I mean, they can often taste the children in the air. He is a boy and has been swimming. We are talking about putting x. -ray cameras on streetlights to detect terrorists carrying weapons and such, which is not really how terrorists work, come on, let's congregate around this brightly lit streetlight where we can discuss our evil plans, even though it's an invasion of civil liberties.

Is it a privacy issue because the government now sees us naked and I really want the cops to know that I get a boner every time I feed the pigeons? Transportation stories. What has 14-year-old Michael Perham done? Is he the first 14 year old? cross the atlantic because i thought ellen macarthur was a 14 year old boy, this just goes to show that britain is now so full of pedophiles that the only place this boy is safe is floating in the middle of the atlantic, which he is safe for. As long as his boat can outrun the submarine Gary Glitter and what was the bad news for the Greenland ice shelf this week, it's melting and Santa Claus is drowning, to be honest, I'm glad he deserves it.

A jumper after everything I've done this year. A jumper. santa dies we've probably lost the children's audience here santa is dead is the title of my friend's show it's just his decapitated head home that other royals have been playing with nature this week princess anne winked at one of his horses why was prince charles causing? an environmental storm this week left on one of her horses technically it is not

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iality because she married him the real story is that the price of animal nitrate is through the roof and the gay community is up in arms, they are up in the arms of this part of why we've had a church and a state in this country in the last week it's your faggots again unlikely things for a qriket commenter to say if it's a four or it's a six no, that man's ass is definitely a 10.

This has been an extraordinary match, but then I'm taking mescaline to recap the rules, it's about extra gay stuff. England asked Australia some tough questions, like how cricket is played, why are we so far behind that the Indians may have overtaken? us here, but let's not forget that we massacred them by millions who are crazy, what the hell are you doing here because I'm really dead? Frankie will have some fun. He finds that woman, he leaves the cakes alone, but what does dbpb mean to a desperate bulimic? Useless boyfriend, yes, it's diamond bracelet, escrow, definitely, Bender's intended girlfriend, can I make mine difficult just before I answer? why did you choose your favorite hardware?

You got it? The dildo bursts the bladder of the posh, I mean the people who are stupid enough to call. They come in, I'm surprised they have the intelligence to be able to turn on the television. You know half of those people must be marking with their faces. However, it is a great life to be a racehorse because if you are a champion racehorse. that means you can spend the last 10 years of your life lazing around in a field fucking women no, we're not women other horses it's like being a suicide terrorist horse no, no, just that, I bet this photo has been received very differently In Korea I'm glad you don't know I'm going to kick.

Are you imagining we would have a lot of equipment? Of course, Glasgow is actually Britain's number one tourist destination for gay men because it just doesn't matter where those fists hit them. My grandfather used Werther's original as a euphemism for his penis so as not to tell a policeman he wanted to be a policeman but then I passed my own levels my sister would like that she loves a man in uniform and she One racist thing for sassy girls is that if you spend years saying touch my butt and touch my butt, finally someone touches your butt and it's lamb of OPEC, you'll be a little disappointed, except for a few DVDs I wouldn't sell, I'm afraid The only thing you're going to be struggling with for a while with Bond is HIV.

Thank you for purchasing, learn to play guitar with Stephen Hawking. All Jedi do gay things. Luke, relax and feel the strength. Here I am looking at you, boy. That's why I'm in a Cambodian prison. Ah, Frudo, you are hurting me when I said you should destroy the ring. The answer is 10. What percentage of my income do I spend buying abortions for my harassers? What does bbgf mean? Is Blair gay fish bums? That's all her problem. Is she on vacation? with people like cliff ritchie, why doesn't she go and stay with tom jones, get laid and cheer up a little?

She only dates robin gabb because she is the only person in the world who has a worse legacy than him, be careful. I have to be careful, David, because the big bg is terrifying, he's like seven feet tall, he sings black music with the voice of a castrated white boy, and as each of the other beiges dies, he gets more powerful, It is the hanging of the sedan. They couldn't have made it any more unworthy, they couldn't have made it any more unworthy if they had hung him from a swing ball it was horrible it was disgusting I only gave it two stars it was actually john prescott he was the person who came out and he was the person who did it damn that's bad enough if the only moral conscience in your nation is a man who has done things to his body that have turned his internal organs into patty, a man who couldn't wear a tie and a belt at the same time. day would turn into sausages it's science uh scientists just built the world's largest super collider and they're doing an experiment to find out what makes up protons.

I hope that if the experiment is successful, our entire reality will dissolve and a big sign will appear that says level two. I always wondered: Do you know that woman who had the face transplant? See if she gave you a that technically counts as a threesome. You know that science is not all progress. You know it, so she looks. Four by four and they are bad for the environment are too big, right? I mean, often now when I go out chasing, I have to stand on someone's shoulders just so I can press my balls on the windshield and the answer is between 10 and 15,000.

Is it according to school dinners? How many minutes should you give it pasta? 12 years. I saw a sharp assistant's chest at Woolworth's. How old would I have to live until I could get that image out of my mind? Shut up, the only reason we're talking about this is because you watched a boring website instead of six hours of hungry teenagers as a normal man on the train this week, that's true, there's a Scottish guy trying to chat. I put a girl on my table and they're like flirting and she's a medical student and she has this book of similar case histories and stuff and she's like oh could you help me so I can try to diagnose you and he's like, okay, he's like? and he looks at the case and you choose something light, right?

If you're flirting, you seem like, he closes the book and says, I'd appeal to having infected diarrhea and that phone number disappeared after a series of descriptions of him. Damn shit, things he wouldn't hear on a driving test when I hit the dashboard with my forehead. I wish you would come out of the rubble and bring it back. You made a mistake, sir. A pioneer air freshener doesn't cover the smell of a dead hitchhiker at my signal I'd like you to go up on the sidewalk and kill my ex-wife what the queen didn't say in her Christmas message Edward stuffed the turkey this year seemed to be pretty good at it.

It's been good to spend some time with my family and harry I've had some medical problems this year I'm so old now that my is haunted what does r-i-p-s mean it's read imagining prescott's sex life it's awesome red purple scrotum is it a pedophile santa claus read change the killer of prostitutes Has John Reed addressed the problem of overcrowded prisons? He is at least the pedophiles. Could we dress pedophiles like modest dancers so they have bells? Kids will know when they are around and the beautiful real morris dancers will be hit. for being pedophiles there are 80,000 people in prison yes and there are 80,716 cells but there is an obvious solution like only up and down what you have not taken into account are the levels of forced homosexuality in prison it is as if it were tetris sex trying to fit in a cell these days there is a double edged sword here there is no place you would work out if you went to prison to try to defend yourself but working out will only make your butt look better I mean there is really nothing in the gym that give you a cigar cutter or what's wrong with sending them to Australia.

I mean, we still have it and I'd like to see someone maintain an anti-social attitude when surrounded by three million carefree people, another idea with the whole thing that you know, prison overcrowding could be if they put mirrors in all the cells to create an illusion of space, and besides, there's nothing worse than having a guy fucking you. You look in the mirror and expect new initiatives. They are the head office, they come up with it, they have initiative, don't they? to make a database of people's shoe prints, people with shoe prints, which isn't as silly as it sounds. because from a shoe print they can tell what size you are, they can tell how tall you are, what weight you are and various other things about you, that's why when I commit a crime I always wear high heels and carry a bowling ball.

It's the environment Ryanair is having a tough time from the government because they are not doing enough to combat global warming. I think air travel is not good for the environment and surely no one has done more to discourage people from flying than Ryanair. Nothing pierces James Bond's image better than being sold peanuts by a stewardess who looks like he survived Hiroshima. There is no way Ryanair pollutes as much as China, although Ryanair has a worse human rights record. 265 million. How many complaints will there be? about the pedophile section of this show, what is peter andre's drummond base's current possession at christmas?

It's when the machines finally figure out how many humans will die in the first 24 hours in what the machines will later refer to as the big adjustment. How much money would the BBC have to pay Tom Cruise if he made the joke I'd like to make about Him and John Travolta? Blackpool deserves the biggest beating possible. It is the only city in Britain where I contracted chlamydia from fish. and the tokens of the creature dealers is the fact that everyone pretends to be friends, yeah that really stands up to be honest, that's what I hate about this show.

You know, the supersCasinos are terrible because I mean people are too vulnerable to deal with this, I mean people. in Britain you're addicted to eBay, how are you going to deal with a million pound prize if you're up until three in the morning trying to buy second hand pajamas and your mental tits made is a very decadent stage to get? But it's not like that? That's why when I got mine made, I donated them to an African transsexual. You have to be careful here. Hugh has to be careful because this week I discovered, I don't know if you know what slash fiction is, but it is. basically gay fiction on the internet where I have people like you, captain kirk and spock fucking each other and there's one of me and you, I don't know because you're on the receiving end, I'm just going to make it easier for you and the most offensive part is when they describe my pubes as redhead.

To escape from what a television chef would never say, I am Nigella Lawson and what I love about presenting this program is knowing that at home Frankie Boyle has almost scammed you tonight with Russian cuisine, cyanide, polonium and crab stuffed with explosives while you are stuffing the lamb put your hand on its snout so it doesn't cry for its mother this dish needs a little more salt so I'm going to do it and there we have it a donut like a bad boy scout what to say at the inauguration of the new stadium from wembley due to a double caution england's first match is against simply red well isn't it so magnificent some seats pointing to the grass and there is already a dog on the pitch when tessa jowl opens the stadium it cost 100 million pounds? to demolish Wembley, if you had played your last game against Scotland we would have done it from scratch, but what btad means is bioterrorists, the annual bath time at the disco, a disaster I call Suffolk and which might well begin, I mean , you're talking about the only place in the world where bird flu could increase life expectancy levels when the locals finally stop marrying seagulls, if turkeys ever take over the world your science will be dedicated to keeping bernard alive matthews for 10,000 years while skinning and re-skinning his scrotum oh sorry yes january i'm getting a note from my air.

Can't we say that Bernard Matthews takes great joy in selecting you know several things that he doesn't take great joy in when he sits down? on a throne of turkey skulls he apparently can't make it no matter how much you wash or how much bacteria is on your body, so I was right to never wash, in fact I think the bacteria add up. a couple of extra inches the birds have an easy ride the birds have an easy ride here they're just getting the flu I mean cats can get help that would have made top cat a very different show my first fight with DC officer dibble i have AIDS.

It's much more serious. It is much more serious than the flu. It should be called avian. Your organs came out of that woman last week she gave birth. She was 67 years old. It won't be difficult to get it out at 67. Although, aren't babies? That baby will have spent the last three months bungee jumping. That's a crime. Yes, they are going to bring super kids. No, I mean, the guys already sound too good. Teenagers see it as a badge of honor that they should call. those gay guys or bender badges i tell you the tv show i would love to see csi glasgow well we have done some preliminary testing and it looks like the intruder definitely did some work on the carpet we are looking for a young man with a poor diet because the work has a wamba with an old 50p note stuck in him the answer is 10 minutes if the daddy jerked off how long would he ejaculate?

It would take me 20 years to get tired of fucking Natalie Portman How quickly did I get tired of fucking my current girlfriend? How long was the recent run of my off-Broadway musical based on the Challenger space shuttle disaster? maybe the physical education teacher could come out and tell them about a great historical example of sports. figures and their leadership, could there be a reason? I mean, you're sitting there like a history professor trying to tell people about life in the trenches in the first world war, a guy comes in, pulls you in, and starts talking about life. by graeme souness the question is that if they are saying right, how do we get children to learn? make them, yes, make them learn. combine algebra with a beating if they were Arabic phrases you could actually use when traveling through the middle.

This one, help, my legs have been blown off. Could you call an ambulance? It is a very sharp sword. Why are you recording this? Where is the nearest market? Well, I'll go in the opposite direction. You can talk all you want when the Chinese invade. crucified upside down with a roast duck up his ass unlikely things to hear in comic relief remember it's not just about comedy tonight here's ben elton why don't they eat the flies if we remove the cataracts from all these villagers one day could they be? able to make our shoes and remember 20 of everything you give goes straight to a smiling warlord wearing a necklace of human tuning forks the worst thing your new neighbor could say What day do the containers go around here? my wife's body is starting to stink, stay away from my daughter, she gave me crabs, my wife and I are nudists and have been for the last 70 years.

I fantasize about tricking your wife into making love to me wearing your skin.