Final Fantasy 7: Machinabridged (FF7MA) – COMPLETE Season 1 - TeamFourStar (TFS)

the one I LIVE in - AND THEN I FIGHT A GIANT SEWER MONSTER CALLED SEBASTIAN I'M A LITTLE SHORT ON THE WIRE!! AERITH: How short is it? TIFA: Now, why don't you do me a favor, stop flirting for a minute and come with me to stop Shinra from destroying our livelihood? CLOUD: Well, to be fair, you're the only one working the bar. TIFA: NOW!! AERITH: It was SO short! TIFA: Alright guys, we have to find Barrett and the rest of AVALANCHE to warn them about Shinra's plan! CLOUD: I think they already know. BARRET: BARRET'S LEAD BUFFET IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!

CLOUD: It looks like they're fighting Shinra... But they have things under control! WEDGE: EeeeeeeyeaaAAAAAAAAAH-! AERITH: Your friends have one! CLOUD: Wedge! Are you OK? WEDGE: ...NO! Eehhrg.... CLOUD: 'okay! I have a plan! AERITH: What is it? CLOUD: Let's kick some ass. CLOUD: Let's kick some ass. SOLDIER style. TIFA: Correct. Aeris. Go to the bar around the corner. There will be a girl named Marlene. Tell her older sister Tifa and the blonde idiot who sent you there, then take her somewhere safe. Plus, she has a gun. AERITH: Oh! I'll take her to the safest place I know!

My mom's house! CLOUD: TIFA: Yes! Perfect! BIGGS: ...Cloud? BIGGS: ...Cloud? ...I need you... BIGGS: ...Cloud? ...I need you to... Do something for me... CLOUD: What's up, man? BIGGS: We're dying, Cloud... BIGGS: We're dying, Cloud... BIGGS: We're dying, Cloud... I need you to tell Jesse... ...That I've always thought... His voice... it was hot... CLOUD: O-Oh... Really? Because you guys have always said... BIGGS: because it sounds like she's giving me head, you know? CLOUD: ...A-aww, dude, come on- BIGGS: EXCUSE ME! CLOUD: Yeah... You... you're not upset, are you? CLOUD: What...? Ohh, ohh. Oh, she's dead. Excellent. I'm going to miss those guys.

BARRETT: Tifa! Where the hell have you been?! TIFA: Trying to get information about Shinra's plan! BARRETT: Well, how the hell did they find out about us? ...Was it the pinball machine? TIFA: It was the pinball machine. BARRETT: Damn! CLOUD: By the way, I'm here too because I survived that fall and- BARRETT: PERFECT! Now be useful and act like you're something worth shooting at! CLOUD: It's good to know that I'm surrounded by people who love me! RENO: Hello BUUUD! DO YOU DIVIDE WHATOOOOOO? RENO: Hello BUUUD! DO YOU DIVIDE WHATOOOOOO? CLOUD: Ohhhhh... No... REINDEER: Don't listen to me! ...Simply following orders. ...Simply following orders.

TIFA: So, will you introduce us to your BOYFRIEND, CLOUD? CLOUD: Yes; HE WANTS TO BE MY BOYFRIEND! RENO: HA! I'd pay good money to see you in a dress! CLOUD: KILL HIM BEFORE HE SPEAKS MORE! CLOUD: Oh, how the tides have changed, Reno. Now you can meet... MY friends. And let me tell you, they ALWAYS listen. BARRET: We can't hear you. CLOUD: What? I can not hear you! BARRET: WE CAN'T. LISTEN TO YOU. CLOUD: I CAN'T HEAR YOU. BARRET: YOU ARE NOT audible right now. TIFA: Oh, GOD. Barret, get him out of it. I will eliminate the Prince who dyes his hair.

RENO: Ha ha...! PLEASE, baby... A-The curtains... a-match the-rug. TIFA: Oh! Do you also dye your dick? RENO: Ah-hah...No. I actually *shave*, Sugar-Tits. TIFA: Ahh... That makes us *one*. RENO: Oho, what's wrong? 'Are you afraid of hurting your vagina? TIFA: Nah... but I'll hurt yours! REINDEER: OH! Oh...! Ooh... ooh... Ah... You destroyed half of my huge cock...! TIFA: ...Yes, okay. BARRET: VERY GOOD, CLOUD. NOW I'M GOING TO SHOOT... THE MAGIC PYRAMID AWAY FROM YOU, ON THE COUNT OF 'THREE'. ONE TWO THREE! CLOUD: BARRET: Oh, check it, it worked. CLOUD: No, it wasn't like that, son of a bitch!

BARRET: Hey! Never-refer-to-my-primary-caregiver-that way! RENO: ...And that's my cue to go... ...Ow! Ow-ow-ow.. Bad day to wear tight pants... CLOUD: Hey-hey, thanks for shooting me, by the way. BARRET: Oh! No problem! And if you ever need a second dose, keep being a know-it-all! Now I have to get my baby out of here before it's too late! TIFA: Don't worry. Cloud's friend took care of that. : You mean...THIS friend? CLOUD AND TIFA: Aerith! BARRET: Hey, that girl sells flowers! : Greetings, AVALANCHE. I'm Tseng, (Oh, okay). Leader of the Turks. I have acquired your... friend. CLOUD: AERITH! WHERE IS MARLENE?

AERITH: At my mom's house! BARRET: OH, thank goodness... TIFA: Well, how did they capture you?! AERITH: They said they had a helicopter! TSENG: She has been a person of interest to us for quite some time. We were simply observing her. However... getting involved with known terrorists means that she must now be taken away for... experimentation. Dr. Hojo's orders. CLOUD: DON'T YOU DARE LAY A FINGER ON HER! TSENG: I do not accept ORDERS FROM YOU. TIFA: Oh, I'm going to fucking slap you, Shinra flat-haired son of a bitch! TSENG: ...Delighted... Now, if I'm not mistaken, you have...

ONE MINUTE before you die? HAVE A NICE DAY. CLOUD: Don't worry guys! I can fix this! BARRET: OH NO, CLOUD! We've been down that road before and it's a DEAD END! So if you don't mind, I'm going to do a SWING. Tifa, go ahead! TIFA: You don't have to tell me twice! CLOUD: Hey! Make room! BARRET: My arm is not a seat, Cloud! CLOUD: JUST GO! CLOUD: JUST GO!! SHINRA: Breakfast... ...is served. BARRET: How...? How could everything go so wrong...? Biggs... Wedge... Jesse... All dead, because of me... When did it get so out of control? CLOUD: Probably when you started blowing up their facilities.

BARRET: Yeah... ...That was probably enough. Is there anything good left in this world...? TIFA: Barret... When I went undercover, to get information from Don Corneo... ...Cloud appeared, dressed as a woman. He thought I had been kidnapped. Then we had to line up to be chosen for the Position of Mistress... ...The Don chose Cloud... ...Cloud's fake name was Thunder-Head. CLOUD: You are the salt of the earth, Tifa. CLOUD: You are the salt of the earth, Tifa. BARRET: So you're telling me that my little girl, Marlene, is in this quaint little cabin? ???: What are you going to do, stab me? ???: KUH!

BARRET: And that this cabin exists in the -ghetto-? CLOUD: I- yes. Yes. This is Aerith's house. B-But like she said... TIFA: THEY HAVE A FUCKING WATERFALL! CLOUD: We have to go in there, CLOUD: We have to go in there, sit Aerith's mother down, CLOUD: We have to go in there, sit Aerith's mother down and tell her the bad news. ELMRYRA: Aerith's blonde friend! I have bad news... My daughter has been kidnapped. CLOUD: Ooooh! N-no way! How did that happen...? ELMRYRA: Well, they offered him a free helicopter ride and... How can anyone say no to that? BARRET: Believe it or not, very easily.

ELMRIRA: Ohhh! You must be Marlene's father! That beautiful angel Aerith brought! BARRET: OHHH! Thanks for automatically assuming that! That's a refreshing change of pace. ELMRYRA: Well, I can feel these things. Plus, she has a gun and your hand is a gun... So, two and two together... BARRET: Fair assessment. So where is my girl? ELMRYRA: Oh, she's upstairs in Aerith's room playing 'Bar' with the cats. MARLENE: Extend that bar tab, Mr. Whiskers! ELMRYRA: And I have to say, it's really nice to meet another person who adopted a child. CLOUD: U-uh, wait. That? ELMRIRA: Oh yes! Aerith is actually the last of an ancient race called 'Cetra!' Who are meant to guide a chosen few to the promised land!

But anyway... Why do you think Shinra would want to kidnap her? TIFA: So, are you going to rent her room? CLOUD: Woah-woah wait. "Did she find it?" AERITH: I can't believe my mom is dead! ELMRYRA: I'll be your mom! AERITH: She's fine! CLOUD: Wait, waiwaiwaiwait. I-I can't help but think that you might have skimmed some parts... ELMRYRA: Oh, yes! In fact, Aerith's birth mother said something. IFALNA: Please take care of my daughter! Because you are amazing! And sell the -wetter- of inhalants. CLOUD: Think. More difficult. IFALNA: Shinra is... After my daughter and I... We are the last Cetras!

Destined to lead a select few to the promised land! But you see... I'm... dying... TO TRY THAT SWEET KUSH! CLOUD: O- she's fine, she's pretty close. TIFA: You know adoption doesn't work like that, right? ELMRYRA: Sorry, my mind is a little fuzzy from the herbal inhalants I just inhaled. I haven't had anxiety for over twenty years. CLOUD: You seem relaxed considering your daughter has been kidnapped. ELMRYRA: My daughter has been kidnapped?! BARRET: MARLENE! BARRET: Now, Marlene honey? Dad needs to go avenge his fallen comrades while he rescues the kind lady who rescued you. So stay here and be nice to Mrs. "Aerith's Fake Mom." HOWEVER.

If he has you selling ANYTHING. Remember to receive a 15% refund. MARLENE: What am I, a charity? BARRET: 25%! Exactly, girl! You passed the test! I love you! CLOUD: Hey... all ready to go, man? BARRET: Cloud... On the one hand... It makes me sad to leave my girl here for an unforeseeable time... But on the other hand- CLOUD: -You have a gun! BARRET: ON THE OTHER HAND-UH- This seems like a -very- safe environment for a child! TIFA: Hello guys! She was eating this plate of cookies, and suddenly this unicorn walked in! WOW NO UNICORNS TURN INTO SNAKES! CLOUD: Should we...

BARRET: Biggadi-bounce? Biggadi-yes. CLOUD: Oh, thank God, that's over. BARRET: OH! Are you feeling better, Your Majesty? CLOUD: Now that I'm on dry land? Yes. TIFA: Quick question, guys... After you stop being ridiculously high... Does your mouth normally taste like paint? TIFA: GUYS, THIS WALL IS MADE OF DICKS! CLOUD AND BARRET: TIFA: Oh, really? Sweet. So what's the plan? Because everything was "unpleasant." BARRET: Well, we have two options left: -I- I want to enter through the door, with weapons raised. TIFA: Murderer! CLOUD AND -I-... As a former SOLDIER-- TIFA & BARRET: WE KNOW. CLOUD: -know the back entrance.

All we have to do is climb a few flights of stairs, and we're in. TIFA: Hmm... I might still be a little high... But I like Cloud's plan. BARRET: Ohhhh. I see how it is! WELL! Lead the way! CLOUD: Very good! Follow me! CLOUD: This isn't so bad, guys! He takes me back to when I was in SOLDIER. CLOUD: Oh yeah, this is... BARRET: Oh my god. CLOUD: OH THIS IS... This is an amazing workout, guys -this- OH, I'M FEELING IT! CLOUD: Oh, what is this? More stairs? Yeah! Oh, I'm laughing! BARRET: SHUT THE SHIT UP, CLOUD!

CLOUD: This makes me feel like my legs are on fire. CLOUD: I can't... Oh God... CLOUD: Guys... TIFA: WHAT?! CLOUD: The door is closed... TIFA: BARRET: BARRET: VERY GOOD! LET'S START WITH THIS