Felipe Esparza • They're Not Gonna Laugh At You • Part 1 | LOLflix

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOME TO THE FELIPE ESPARZA STAGE! WHAT'S UP, EVERYONE? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT, MAN. FIRST SPECIAL. I'M ALL EXCITED, MAN. I TALKED TO MY MOM ABOUT THAT. SHE SAID: "FELIPE, DON'T WORRY. NO ONE IS GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU." I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE, MAN. I'M SO HAPPY I WON THAT SHOW, MAN. BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER WON ANYTHING IN MY LIFE, MAN. BUT I HAVE BEEN SELECTED AT RANDOM AT EVERY AIRPORT IN AMERICA. It used to piss me off before, man. THIS IS RACISM, MAN! BUT NOW I ACT LIKE I AM WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE ME.

AHMED, AHMED, ELIAS, WAIT FOR ME, MY FRIEND. I ASK FOR THE Frisk. COME ON, COME DOWN, BROTHER. LOWER. THERE'S A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION RIGHT THERE. IT IS KNOWN TO EXPLODE EARLY. MAN I COULD NEVER BE A TERRORIST. I'M MEXICAN. YOU MUST ARRIVE ON TIME. I will sleep until late. AW, LET'S DO IT TOMORROW, BROTHER. I DON'T HAVE A TRIP. MAN, IF YOU PICK ME UP AT THE AIRPORT, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY SELECTING ME AT RANDOM. WERE YOU LOOKING FOR ME. SELECTED AT RANDOM IS WHEN A HOT GIRL WALKS INTO A ROOM AND SAYS "I'M GOING TO SLEEP WITH THAT GUY THERE." AND HE ASKS: "WHAAAAAAAT?" THAT CHIT WAS RANDOM.

OH MAN. I'M GETTING OLDER. I USED TO GO TO MEXICO TO PARTY. SHE NOW CAME THERE FOR THE MEDICINE. ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE CLUB BRACELETS, I HAVE ONE FROM THE CLINIC. WHEN WE CAME FROM MEXICO, THEY STOPPED OUR CARS. WE WERE SELECTED AT RANDOM AGAIN. And the border patrol was searching our cars, because

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didn't want any drugs coming into the United States, right? THAT'S GOOD. WHEN WE GO TO MEXICO, THE MEXICAN BORDER PATROL STOP US. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR OUR CAR BECAUSE THEY DID NOT WANT ANY BAD TO ENTER MEXICO. LIKE WHAT? PROGRESS? "WHAT IS THAT, CLEAN WATER?

GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU BILINGUAL?" *%$#@ DUMB OH MAN, I DON'T LIKE STEREOTYPES ABOUT MEXICANS. WE ARE NOT ALL WORKERS. WHO STARTED THAT CHIT? CHIT, I'M LAZEEEEY! I CALL SICK TO AN INTERVIEW. I'M KIDDING. MY MOM CALLED ME. OH MAN, THAT ARIZONA LAW IS SCARY, IF YOU LIVE IN ARIZONA. ON THIS LAST COMIC TOUR, I SAW MEXICANS IN MINNESOTA. MAN, IF YOU'VE COME THIS FAR, YOU CAN STAY. IF YOU PASS, COLLECT $200. OH MAN. IF I WERE AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT HIDING IN ARIZONA, I WOULD JUST HIDE ON AN INDIAN RESERVATION. I'll be there, "WOO WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO." "HEY WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "MY NAME FLEES FROM THE BORDER PATROL." I SAY "HOW".

MAN, IF THEY DEPORTED ME, I WOULD SAY THE SAME THING I SAID WHEN THEY KICKED ME OUT OF A CLUB. Hey, man, I was already there. MY FRIENDS ARE THERE. HOLD MY JACKET. LET ME CHECK. THE POLICE ARRESTS ME. THEY ASKED ME: "DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT IS ILLEGAL?" I LOOKED AT MY COUSIN, I RUN. THEY ALWAYS SAY THESE IMMIGRANTS TAKE WHITE AMERICAN JOBS. NO THEY DON'T, MAN. THEY TAKE JOBS FOR WHITE, AMERICAN TEENAGERS. BELIEVE ME, MAN, IF YOUR TEENAGER NEEDS A JOB, MY UNCLE TOOK IT. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A 17 YEAR OLD BOY DELIVERED A PIZZA?

HELL NO, MY UNCLE LATE WITH THAT PIZZA. ASK EVERYONE: "DID YOU ORDER A PIZZA? IT'S CRAZY PIZZA!" OH MAN, THE WAR IN IRAQ IS STILL ONGOING. THE BRITISH ARE HELPING. MEXICO WANTS TO HELP, BUT THEY NEED ME TO GET THEM THERE. YOU KNOW THE LATINOS, THEY WILL SUPPORT YOU OR HELP YOU GAS. THAT'S TOO FAR. IT CANNOT BE RECOVERED WITH GAS AT SUCH A HIGH. YOU'LL BE DANCING WITH A GIRL, SO... "HOW FAR DO YOU LIVE FROM HERE AGAIN? AN HOUR? Fuck that girl." IF I HAVE TO MAP YOU, YOU LIVE TOO FAR. DON'T YOU HATE THAT, GUYS?

WHEN DO YOU FINALLY MEET THE CRAZY NEIGHBORHOOD LADY? SHE HAS BEEN WITH EVERYONE. NOW IS YOUR TURN. AND SHE IS NOT LIKE THIS NOW. SHE'S LIKE "I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. YOU'RE SPECIAL." "NO, I'M THE LAST ONE." I DATED THIS GIRL. I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON IT. SHE SAID "WE DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. WE CAN JUST HUG EACH OTHER." "HUG? WHERE ARE YOU GOING, ON A TRIP TO THE COUNTRYSIDE OR WHAT?" I started hugging and squeezing her for my $85. Let me tell you ladies, if you spend money on me, I will leave it.

Hey, call me old-fashioned. YOU SPEND A DOLLAR ON ME, WOWEEOOOW AND HEY, YOU GET SOMETHING, WOWWHEEOW NO, I WENT HOME ALONE. NOW I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD, I DATE GAY MEN. Okay, those guys know how to treat a man. THIS GUY TOOK ME DANCING, TO THE MOVIES. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, HE WANTED TO GO CRAZY. I SAID, "HEY BROTHER, I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. YOU'RE SPECIAL. WE CAN HUG EACH OTHER, BROTHER." I CAN TELL THAT JOKE. MY BROTHER IS GAY. HE GAVE ME THE PINK LIGHT. HE SAID, "I LOVE IT, RUN WITH IT." MY BROTHER CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

HE TOLD EVERYONE HE WAS GAY. MY DAD STARTED CHOKING ON THE TURKEY. I RAN AFTER HIM IN A HEIMLICH MANEUVER. HE SAID, "NOT YOU TOO! NO ONE HERE LIKES WOMEN?" MY SISTER SAID: "I ACCEPT." It's kind of weird, you know, having a gay brother because my brother is handsome. SHE COULD HAVE ANY WOMAN SHE WANTS. SHE WANTS A MAN. SEE, THAT LIKED ME. THAT'S LIKE HAVING SUPERMAN POWERS, BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO RESCUE ANYONE. YOU JUST WANT TO FLY AROUND THE WORLD, combing your hair. I'M HAVING LUNCH with my brother and his boyfriend shows up. I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNOW THIS, BUT MY BROTHER CAN DO MUCH BETTER.

THEY START KISSING IN FRONT OF ME. The more

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kiss, the gayer I look. "OH HELL NO." PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME, FEELING LASER FOR ME. "LOOK, THAT FAT, GAY THIRD WHEEL." AND WOMEN LOOK AT MY BROTHER AND GET ANNOYED. "IS GAY? WHAT A WASTE." "HEY, I'M NOT GAY. WHAT A SHAME." HOT GIRLS ALWAYS GIVE ME THE SAME LOOK. I DATED A BLIND GIRL, SHE FELT MY FACE. SHE SAID, "I CAN'T SEE CHIT, BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE UGLY." IT WAS KARMA. Because I remember one time I robbed a blind man in a strip bar. I gave that boy two dances. "DO NOT TOUCH." DON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO LOLFLIX PRESS THE LITTLE RED LOL LOGO ABOVE GET NOTIFICATIONS FOR THE NEXT YOUTUBE PREMIERE