Every Sonic game is blasphemous | Unraveled

Sonic the Hedgehog has been enjoying a resurgence lately due to his upcoming feature film. Which is great because OH! OH, THOSE LEGS ARE TOO HUMAN. THOSE LEGS ARE... OH MY GOD. THOSE LEGS LOOK LIKE I COULD HAVE THOSE LEGS. PLEASE DON'T SHOW ME THAT ANYMORE. PLEASE GET. GET IT OUT OF HERE. *screaming* This new Sonic has a lot of fans crying heresy. Sonic should be that cute blue cartoon hedgehog who has to go fast, and that's all he has to do. But what if I told you that this isn't the only

blasphemous

version of Sonic? What if I told you that almost all of Sonic's media is heretical?

I have in my hands 13 pages that prove it. Before I delve further, I need to explain a little about Sega, these 13 pages, and how Sonic was created. You see, Sega was in a really difficult situation in the early '90s as it tried to compete with Nintendo and the overwhelmingly successful Mario. So they worked internally to create a new mascot. Not just for a

game

, but for the company as a whole. Naoto Ohshima created Mr. Needlemouse, a teal hedgehog with red slippers. And then he worked with Yuji Naka to create a

game

around this wonderful creature.

A few tweaks and Sonic the Hedgehog was born. Or at least a version of Sonic was born. You see, Sega wasn't just fighting with Nintendo, it was also fighting with itself. Sega of America and Sega of Japan had a lot of tension between them and didn't agree on many things, especially when it came to Sonic. The original version of Sonic was a little more punk rock and had a girlfriend. A real-life human girlfriend named Madonna. And we all know that Sega would never make Sonic kiss a real human woman. *upset* So Sega of America started fixing things up a bit.

Make Sonic a little more familiar. More marketable. Madeline Schroeder, Sonic's self-proclaimed mother, wrote this 13-page bible that establishes Sonic's true origins. These 13 pages became the real Sonic. The Sonic we all know and love. Good? NO. THIS BIBLE HAS HAD VERY LITTLE RELATIONSHIP TO THE SERIES AS A WHOLE about him. But here's the thing, folks. It should have a lot of influence on the series as a whole. And I am willing to wield this Bible like a paladin wields a holy sword in order to EXTRACT SIN FROM THE SONIC CANON. I'm sorry. That was a lot. I was too intense to...

I'm going to tone it down a little. Friends, we are about to participate in a friendly session of biblical literalism. Now, I'm not someone who advocates taking a written story as pure truth and nothing more... but for Sonic I'm willing to change my values ​​a little. We are about to take

every

thing written in these 13 pages as gospel, and anything that deviates from the facts contained therein as sacrilege. Let's get musically fundamental. I am not going to read this Bible in its entirety. You can read it online if you want. But I'm going to read the entire first paragraph because I think it's important for you to understand what we're dealing with. "Sonny Hedgehog was born on Earth at the beginning of the 21st century, in the town of Hardly, Nebraska, population 1,226." From the first line alone, we already know that: 1.

Sonic's birth name is actually Sonny. 2. he is a real hedgehog who was born around the year 2000. And 3. he is a boy from the Midwest. “He, his mother and his five sisters live under an overgrown hedge next to the local burger joint and subsist on leftover burgers, milkshakes and the occasional slug or insect that crawls towards them. “They are a poor but happy family.” From these lines we know that: 4. Sonic's family lives in a real hedge, so I guess they are called hedgehogs. And 5. They have a diet very similar to mine. "Unfortunately, Sonny's father died when Sonny was just a few days old, after falling into a vat of toxic waste that was bubbling and pouring into a nearby pond." … That?

Sonic, the cheerful hedgehog we all know and love. I never met his father because he was reduced to sludge thanks to corporate pollution. There are 30 key principles in the Sonic Bible, and I'm going to go ahead and list them very quickly. *just a big mess of words from the Sonic bible* The 30 Principles of the Sonic the Hedgehog Bible. Look at them up there. Beautiful. Practically glowing with potential energy. The potential energy I will release into a HOLY FLAME, SO I CAN BURN THE BLASPHEMY OF THE MODERN ITERATION OF SONIC... Pat: “I think, uh, we should probably take a couple of minutes, just to, just to like it. .." Brian: "Okay." Pat: "I... do you need water or something?" Brian: "Water...yeah, I think that would be good." Now, most of these aren't found in most iterations of Sonic, but there are three that specifically decanonize each game in the Sonic franchise.

Let's talk about them. Number 18: There are seven chaos emeralds, one is a stabilizer. You may have heard me say the name Kintobor. He becomes Dr. Robotnik after fusing the powers of the chaos emeralds and a hard-boiled egg. It is not a joke. But he was originally looking for the chaos emeralds so he could group them and then launch them into space, thus reversing all the pollution on planet Earth. The reason for this is that the Chaos Emeralds "contain a microlithic copy of all the inert energy of

every

gross and disgusting impulse or action performed by humans since the beginning of time." Ignoring that microlithic is a company name and not an actual scientific term, this seems to claim that chaos emeralds are just a crystalline form of each gross impulse.

Every time you pick your nose instead of using a tissue. That's in the emerald. Every time you wear underwear five times a week because you think it doesn't smell that bad. That's in the emerald. Every time you go three days without shampooing? I understand. Look, sometimes, you know, shampoo has sulfates and that can damage your hair. We all have different scalps. BUT THAT IS ALSO IN THE EMERALD. Most games simply claim that Chaos Emeralds are an incredible source of power, something that will help you conquer the world or become Super Sonic. They never mention that they are essentially junk diamonds.

If Sega had included flavor text, like “You have a chaos emerald. “You should probably go wash your hands now.” Then it would have been fine. But they didn't. Number 21: Kintobor was a father figure. Just as a reminder, Sonic's father died in a vat of toxic waste. That's why it meant so much when Kintobor offered him an assistantship. “Sonny was delighted at the prospect. Because, although Sonny never met his father, Kintobor reminded him of the kind face in the photograph. Distressing. Can you imagine the drama in this? Sega, keep trying to make these brave Sonic reboots. Sonic Plus Gun.

Sonic besides being kissed by a human woman. You don't need all that. It's all good here! You're literally pitting Sonic, a fatherless hedgehog, against the man who became his father figure and then turned evil thanks to the machines SONIC HELPED CREATE. I hear you say, "Brian, there's no evidence that Sonic doesn't think of Robotnik as a father figure!" And to that I say nonsense. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM CRY AFTER DEFEATING ROBOTNIK. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM HOLD HIS FATHER'S LIFE BODY AND SAY, "I'm sorry it had to end like this! I'm sorry!" LET SONIC CRY FOR THE LOSS OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, SEGA.

YOU COWARDS. And finally, the third and most important principle that destroys the entirety of Sonic canon. Number 11: Sonic helps the quilters. Have you ever seen Sonic in a quilting circle? Because he should be there. "While he searched for gossip and juicy tidbits, he would visit the ladies of the local quilting circle to offer them a convenient pin or needle from his ample and portable supply." WHERE IS MY SONIC SET WITH A PADDING CIRCLE? Sonic CD: shit. Sonic Mania: garbage. Sonic Hedgehog 2. More like Sonic the Hedgehog. Too silly to be included in the quilting circle that is so integral to Sonic's backstory!

And with that, we have decanonized the entire Sonic the Hedgehog franchise. But from this scorched earth a powerful flower can bloom. The real Sonic the Hedgehog. What would that video game be like? What are the ramifications of a Bible-based Sonic the Hedgehog game? The Sonic the Hedgehog bible. Let's go through this piece by piece. We start the game with a legitimate hedgehog who lives in a hedge and is called Sonny. And he's 2019, he has brown quills and they won't turn blue until he gets faster. And he eats similar foods to what I eat. He lives in Hardly, Nebraska, which is where the entire game takes place, so you better prepare to run through a lot of cornfields.

His eyesight is not good, but he is okay because he will get recreation specs since he can read but he is also on the track team. So the entire game actually takes place in track meets in the middle of a cornfield. When he's not running on the track, he's at the bowling alley, on the playground or in the quilting circle doing normal hedgehog things. The problem is that his city has A LOT OF POLLUTION, which is why his father died, and it's also why Kintobor (now Robotnik), the kind, slender scientist who gave Sonic his new nickname and the ability to speak the human language, he was trying to figure out his new physics theories and his machines and all those terrible, disgusting seven chaos emeralds before he turned evil and a little eggy too.

This is especially difficult because Kintobor, before becoming Robotnik, gave Sonic very good food and was basically a father figure to him. Also, Sonic is good at computers. So the game is basically an evil polluting scientist who gets defeated by a midwestern teen star who has daddy issues. Basically, it's if the CW rebooted Sonic. Please contact me, CW, I will license this. But I haven't used all 30 principles. Look, there are four of them that, to be completely honest, shouldn't be possible. And beyond that, it's impossible to include them in a game. I ran into a small obstacle.

Issue seven shows Sonic's dead father winking at him through a picture on the wall, proving the existence of an afterlife in the Sonic Universe. Number 15 shows that Sonic can hibernate beneath delta waves. And those are the slowest brain waves possible. Approximately 0.5 hertz. If he went under them, Sonic would have probably died. And yet he is resurrected and lives again. And number 24, Sonic is shown running at the speed of light. And if the rules of relativity are to be believed, that means his mass would have to expand infinitely, and he would need infinite energy to do so.

And that would destroy the world. And yet, he is able to do so without harming himself or those around him. The number 30 is actually within the Bible itself. He states: "But like most times of peace in the 21st century, it didn't last long." This Bible was written in 1991, nine years before the 21st century, and yet it prophesied our challenging political landscape. These four pieces of information are not purely canonical information. They are... divine miracles. So of course I couldn't include them in a game. They could only fit into one religion. So I turned to wikiHow, the leading explainer of how to do things, and I knew that somewhere, hidden in the beautiful images of it, would be the way I could spread the word of Sonic to the masses.

And before you get mad at me and say, "Brian, aren't you starting a cult?" Look at this question answered by Cutegirlcorr: "Technically speaking, religions and cults are the same thing." So I've formed my religion around Sonic the Hedgehog. And guess what? I have a confession! I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A SONIC GAME. NEVER IN MY LIFE. I'm only telling you this now because you've already made it this far in the video, and the sunk cost fallacy states that if you feel like you've invested something, you'll see it through to the end. But it's okay that I haven't played a Sonic game.

Because that means I have not been defiled! I've never seen fake Sonic! Only someone blind to the modern profanities of the Sonic franchise could see as clearly as I do! Because if a hedgehog could commune with the dead, be resurrected, run with infinite energy, and HAVE HIS GOSPEL PROPHECY OF THE FUTURE, THEN EITHER SONIC IS A GOD OR HE COULD KILL GOD AND I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A DIFFERENCE! Hello friends, I would like to take a moment and apologize for my recent outburst. I've taken some time and calmed down since filming this video, and while I suppose I might not have uploaded it to YouTube, I decided it would serve as a warning.

You see, taking history as purely literal, whether for a video game or the backstory of a television show, is a dangerous rabbit hole that can often lead to anger. Biblical literalism is just an early form of fandom. Sometimes you have to be a little more forgiving. Because sometimes, the Bible was written to make a character more marketable to '90s kids. So let's learn from this example and make sure to take the new additions to our favorite things in stride. Even if it's these legs. I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience agree with that. I don't agree with those legs.

I'm sorry. I could jump... if you spray painted my legs blue,I could dress up as this Sonic. Do you think I should do that? Do you think I should spray paint my legs blue for a Sonic cosplay? Only half... Only half, half for Sonic. I won't do anything else to my body, just... What are the ramifications of a Sonic the Hedgehog game based on the Bible? *everyone loses it*