Ep. 36 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Give me another religion, I'll tell you what, okay, are you ready for this? Yes, yes, okay, God exists, fact, I can. I don't think it's there, there is only one God I can work with, there are no other gods, the same God cannot be subdivided into different people, we get it, there is one God you should worship, only that one, only God , holy. It's transcendent God is transcendent I don't know what I can have a good body and the Germans are such Jewish idiots yeah, you want it, you want it, I'll take it, oh, but I can't believe I got in.

I can give you a pretty good summary there if you want to know the operating system, did you really want to? Yes, that's very interesting. I pass on Buddhism.I thought I would have been labeled leave that if you like this one okay here we go right it's eternal okay yeah wait wait everyone should strive for Dharma what is Dharma ? Let's stop asking questions and then I can accept it. Individual souls are immortal. I love it, the goal of the individual soul is moksha. I don't know what he chose. I'm already a little lost in this religion, yes, I like it.

Yes, keep talking about alcohol or sex. Okay, there are many gods. instead of that hole, no, we're only dealing with one, we have a lot of guys, uh, yeah, I'll take it mmm. Karma is real, oh I like this religion, I think you're into, yeah, what's Hindu? Shut up, yes, it's Kumail Hindu. Don't believe it, so no, who we know and I have been famous Hindus. I want to see you. I'm dating them. I guess they are same type famous Indians in 2020. Yes, who is the most famous? His name is Kumail, real quick, he was raised as a Muslim.

Of course, married to a white girl, I don't think he was allowed to do that. He was more of a staunch Muslim and then he passed away and then he moved, they moved to the United States and he moved away from the religion like everyone else. If not, we don't know any famous people. Yours is Russell Peters. Which one did I just choose? Hindu. Yes, he knows that Russell is not his parents. They could have been. I would love to do some famous Hindus so I can find out. Who would see it? I Russell would know that someone is calling him, let's call him.

Do you think he will answer my call? He didn't respond to yours the last time Nikki Glaser responded to ours. There's been a really easy episode that I still need to take. a walk Russell I know a lot about Russell, bring out that last one for me because I want to read them those descriptions, you know, the tenants of the last one you run, no, that, yeah, when do you think the last time Russell had kool-? the help was a while ago you think it's in quarantine now you think kool-aid will be decent in quarantine mm-hmm what's up is it because he lives in oh it's hard to get salsa reception where is it please leave your message to give me another one, give me one last religion, okay, okay, here the aggressive gay son, this is something that some of the basic beliefs are that human beings are immortal.

I'm already practically convinced of his religion. Yes, a person's life experience transcends a single life. I know that human beings have infinite capabilities friend, this is Miki's team of mammals. I think we found my religion. Keep going. Give me something more. This is actually very good for you. Let's see that there are two main divisions of the mind. It is believed that the mind reacts. absorb all the pain and emotional trauma why the analytical mind is a rational mechanical mechanism that is responsible for consciousness. I made it at Rite-Aid last night. I made it at Rite Aid last night.

The girls' big car called and I said, are you open? my blood pressure medication she said yes and I got there and she goes uh the pharmacies just went into service like I turned it around and processed it angrily and then the thoughtful mind said NO I'm going to cause drama for this woman in her life I said how about I'll come tomorrow morning she was really I know what yes, she'll go you don't need it tonight I said well I don't feel like waiting twenty minutes she said I'll be ready first thing in the morning and We went like that.

I turned it around, so I'm already doing this religion, so you're into, yeah, Scientology to, yeah, mmm-hmm, do you think I'm famous enough that I don't have to do this? See boring, yeah, who do we know? Scientologists we know some that well, but who does when you say who you mean who said day Scientologists hate I don't think they like psychology Oh, what do you say? I don't know if Scientologists don't like psychology, but perfect. I hate therapy, man, my whole question is: could I get into Scientology, skip all the hard work, all the mm-hmm promise stuff, and go straight to being famous by dating Tom Cruise?

Leah Remini would know if we have Leah. I have Leah Remini. Yes, yes, she would be great if you could call her right now. I have Leah Remini's number x, please call her. I think about how you think I would have spelled Leah when I met her Ellie a or Ellie aah well II an age, no Leah, I would be Ellie, not Ellie, how do you think I would have spelled Remini? uh it starts with an R, have it re but you don't have it, no, it was probably a text message and I said and I deleted it all. my text if you could go if they said so let's say we get an offer from our agents to be Scientologists and they say hey we have a spot for you and Scientology yeah you go to the top level like you know the members of your board like you.

You don't have to do all the good stuff, all you have to do is show up to be in a couple of movies John Travolta going on a yacht with Tom Cruise take some pictures we'll get you new wives like they're more like they're more human friendly Scientology, yeah, younger, not too young, but we, uh, yogurt like 29, I like it, I'll take 30, I'll take 30, we can have two kids yet, but it'll still be touching, go with the last one and so on. and by the way, we want to help you in your career, all you have to do is go to the Scientology Center in Franklin about once a month.

Stop, I'm going to the gym, whatever you've been in and I'll help you in your career. Okay, sure, why not? Scientology makes sense, like the way you're patient with me, by the way, you didn't mention aliens, but I already believe in them, so I believe, I believe in aliens more and it happens in real life. I want to point out something that you and Nadav got along really well in this episode we did, yeah, way to go guys, I think I picked up on my reflective side, yeah. I also want to say that this episode was brought to you by kool-aid. really good, you can drink it whenever you want, it's not too sweet and it's good for you, the variety packs come in five different flavors, five calories each, just open it, twist it and fill it up to a 64 inch growler and you will be hydrated throughout the day. with pleasure kool-aid kool-aid I would love a kool-aid sponsorship really we just did one yes kool-aid by the way there are brands that I'm looking for mm-hmm that since I already conquered the flip flop game, so I would love to wear running shorts, well, okay, in the next episode of Two Bears One Cave, Burt and Tom find out which brands are looking for sponsorships of what's your favorite candy, so it'll take a second.

Yeah, because I'm really trying to make my mouth water right now, okay, it depends on what we say, I'll always go with Oreos. Oreos are last minute, they never disappoint, even if they are stale, they are even good dipped in milk. I know Isla did it the other day, she stuck a fork in the frosting and dipped it in milk that way. Oh, and then I ask him: what are you doing? I mean, I'd have to say they give you five dollars to buy candy for everyone and you say, hey, we're leaving, let's go to Malibu for the day, hey, Bert, run, go get candy, just one piece of candy.

Try everyone's going to like it's Oreos, it's always Oreos, oh, I mean, I'd almost say that like donuts too, okay, I didn't know we were going broad strokes, yeah, donuts, God, donuts are so good. Blinky donuts, do they have a Blinky donut? like a grape jelly donut but she's bent she'll be a grunt next time we get in here yeah let's have some donuts one hundred percent okay oh can you squish a bunch? How many things could you crush? It depends on what kind of donuts we're talking about, okay, let's see. Okay, well, you in the next episode, let's do it in the next episode, you really mean the one that yeah, yeah, okay, okay, we have a race, this was a lot of fun.

I love you all, maybe please keep drinking the Kool-Aid. another where's the shirt Tom tells stories and Bert is the machine today there's no chance in hell okay, beep, this is what we call worthless Cepeda alcohol amateur pathology dirty jokes obscene humor without apologies this is what we call two pairs one

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