Editing YOUR College Essays | The BEST Essay I've Read So Far

Now this

essay

is good enough to get you to Harvard Yale Princeton for those of you who don't know me. I'm Kevin zet Exeter, breakdancer graduate, YouTuber, plant parent and also professional

college

counselor, and today we're going to be

editing

your

common app

essay

s again super quick announcement before we dive right into the first common FSA now many of you have been wondering when will be the next time we will do something like this again, just make sure you are subscribed and We can see and follow our community posts because that is when we announce when we edit subscribers'

essays

and for the next round we will probably see the essays, since those deadlines are approaching very soon, or Other Schools supplemental essays are very different from the Common App essay, so I think it would be really beneficial for all of us to see how we do professional reviews and go over some of

your

work, the first essay of Common App that we are going to make. watch actually follows a pretty cliché narrative, so it's going to be a really special treat because I'm going to explain how to take this kind of ordinary cliché structure but make it more unique and stand out using a much more sophisticated or specific usage. unique details, but be sure to stay and watch until the end because the second essay we are going to look at is probably the

best

essay I have received from all of our subscribers and it is al

read

y good enough to get the student to Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, to any school you want to enter;

However, that being said, there are still some minor adjustments related to flow or content that I will suggest to really take this essay from a very, very good level, perhaps. a seven or eight out of ten and take it to a 9 or 10 out of 10. By the way, guys, if you haven't seen parts one and two, definitely make sure to check them out because I'm seeing a lot of the same thing. errors and many of the essays that you sent us without further ado, let's jump right in. My palms were glistening with sweat and my heart was pounding, tears were streaming down my brothers' faces and I felt my own eyes stained with tears, every breath I took was harder. than the previous one and I struggled to stay calm in front of my three younger siblings, the smell of fresh roses taunting me as the situation went down.

I thought why her, why now you guys know I hate the problem. I want to see more of the solution there are a lot of clichés in the first three sentences so I would actually delete this and then keep it because it is important to mention that the student is the oldest of four, in fact many students write about taking care of the siblings minors are in charge of the family and that is definitely something you want to highlight and then this sentence where it places us probably in some hospital or funeral talks about Rose's mockery.

I think that was actually a really interesting detail and also invites some. mystery we definitely know someone is sick or hurt and now we want to keep

read

ing but definitely get rid of these clichés my mother's breast cancer diagnosis my sophomore year of high school was heartbreaking I had a hard time concentrating in class we can even get rid of some of these words smaller ones like this I felt unmotivated to work and didn't ask teachers for help when I needed it, the once vibrant hallways of the school became a blur as I stumbled each day, my relationships with teachers and classmates faltered two days after the diagnosis I handed in a factorization questionnaire half blank a reflection of the emotional tension that weighs on my heart I really like this detail where it is left half blank this is the level of specificity that we want to witness how my resilience is reactivated mother during her chemotherapy sessions a passion for life within me and encouraged me to be more helpful with my siblings and at home to regain my academic focus.

I came to school early to close my content gaps, as you can see here where I entered the bars, this is a pretty abrupt transition, it also falls into this trap that we call the Eureka problem, basically it's when a student says they see this , in this case chemotherapy, and suddenly your entire world sees everything you do, suddenly changes as it can. Look, this sounds a little unbelievable, instead it would make a lot more sense to summarize and explain how it was a gradual transition and they said it didn't happen all at once, but slowly, because they saw their mother's chemotherapy, they started to take small steps .

Doing a, b, c, and d after her surgery, my mother was exhausted and unable to complete her usual workload as an older sister. I took on the role of caregiver, taking on house cleaning and family chores. Now here we need a lot more details. Please tell us exactly what those family duties were in the next sentence, the student is still pretty lazy balancing school and home duties again, what are those duties? It would also be very powerful to explain what the routine is, so instead of saying every morning I drove to my brother. to swim practice at 5 am I took my brother to swim practice and made sure my brothers got to the bus and then at 5 pm I did the dishes and did the family laundry, although these examples don't feel as powerful because we all know that there are chores and then there are chores, for example, making a pasta dinner four or five nights a week, is much more impressive than simply doing the dishes.

Finally, at the end of the night, I sat down to do my homework again. I think including a time adds a lot more power. and it's actually fewer words, finally at 9:00 p.m. m. I sat down to do my homework helping my parents and siblings strengthen my sense of responsibility and encourage me to honestly seek service opportunities inside and outside the home, since since we showed this, we don't do it. It really doesn't need to be said at the end of this paragraph so we can eliminate this sentence entirely and move on as my mother battled cancer.

I discovered my purpose of helping others. I realized that life was a gift and I chose to use it to help those around me by leveraging my love of swimming I created my swim lesson business David's Water Wizards watching my mother deal with her health her ability to perform Stripped Away boosted my determination to teach basic survival skills and potentially save lives Watching a student who Not even enter the water a month earlier, swim a full length was rewarding and struck me with a sense of purpose. Every lesson I taught helped them, but they didn't know I was learning too when they mastered freestyle and water.

I realized. that ensuring the safety of others is my vocation, this is what is going well. I really like these details here, as well as talking about how ultimately this isn't just about swimming, it's about life itself, saving lives, so it was a really cool connection, that being said. I think there are opportunities to make this more unique by adding a name here. Really humanize the people you are helping by including their name. Your demographic, even if you just say the name of a six-year-old boy with a gap tooth, Charlie, who wouldn't even do it. Get in the water a month before.

Those details are really powerful and show that you know and care about the people you are really helping. I wouldn't say the story itself is that cliché, but there are some really cliché lines. I realize that this is my calling. I wonder if we can change the way it is worded. It might actually make sense to include all the action, talk about how to show responsibility and altruism both within the family and outside the family, and then move all of these realizations toward the end in the conclusion, another major problem I see in 90 of the essays. of common applications is this repetition.

I was struck by a sense of purpose. I discovered my purpose. We really don't need to say it twice as long as we can't go over everything. I read all of the Common App essays you sent us, and many of them struggled with this repetition problem. At first I helped others close to me, but my passion for doing good intensified to have a greater impact on my community. I volunteered at a food shelter packing boxes of food for the Triad area. I remember when I was delivering a box to the pick up area and I ran into a mother with two children, her face lit up when I handed her the box full of food and she wrapped it up.

Her arms wrapped around me in a bear hug as she pulled me away, I wiped the tears from my eyes and smiled. Her warmth and kindness reminded me of my own mother and reinforced why I started helping others in the first place. Really tender moments, we get to see the authenticity of the students here and the connection with the mother is a really nice touch too. That being said, I would say that this paragraph is not as powerful as the previous one because it is missing some of those specific details, so I wish it had those same ones. level of detail like David's water wizards here and this is how we are going to make the essay unique to David, something only David could have thought of, we finally have the conclusion and since many of you really struggle with the conclusion, what I What I did today for this student is I rewrote it in a way that adds a little more information.

Let's take a look at his version and then compare it to the version I came up with. Now my mother is in remission, but my motivation to serve. swells more than ever as I reflect on my mother's journey with cancer. I realize it has been a challenging experience, but she allowed me to discover my purpose in life to help others. Not only is it a bit obvious, but it's also repetitive. The student already mentioned this fact. above, so you can probably remove it from the swimming paragraph and leave it here. I thought my mother's diagnosis would be the end of the world, but I have a newfound maturity and appreciation for service, which has allowed me to extend my reach beyond my home, through school, and into my community. drives the desire to continue helping others in and out of the classroom, so these two sentences mean more or less the same thing, and again, you've already proven it, so you don't need to say it.

I need to make this reflection much deeper and certainly this is very, very challenging for most students, so if you need help with your essays, please feel free to visit our website www.elevated.school. Edit my essay, where both me and my co-founder. In addition to another asynchronous editor, usually one of our friends at Yale will help review and provide professional feedback on his draft. Let's take a look at my version of the conclusion during those hours when we weren't sure if mom was going to do it or not my brothers and I often debated the meaning of life when I was a child.

I used to believe in the answer that pop culture often gives us, that our purpose here on Earth is to pursue joy or happiness, but when Mom got sick, I no longer thought about myself and instead changed. my approach to serving others today, although I see that these philosophies are not mutually exclusive and that the path to a life well lived is to seek joy in this service, so this is a really cool structure that we used to have. Think about this a long, long time ago, then my perspective changed and finally, more recently, I now believe in something different, a very, very powerful successful framework, feel free to borrow, steal like an artist in your own reflections or conclusions, Guys, we'll pause here for a little break. but when we return, we will analyze and look at the

best

Common App essay I received from our subscribers, something so original that it practically wears out admission to any school, even in its current form, foreign friends, I hope you liked it. that little clip don't forget to like and subscribe, it really is of great help and helps us fulfill our mission of promoting and sharing the content of this

college

essay with students around the world for free, moving on to essay number two of the common application personally.

I really enjoyed the next essay we are about to see. I had tons of intellectual curiosity and personality, but maybe I'm a little biased, so I'm curious to hear what you guys think. Let me know your thoughts and reactions. in the comments section below, type V fats plus flower hydration plus Mallard male lard reaction Mallard equals a more delicious world, it's already a really unique hook and you can already see that we have details that You know I love them and it already hits that note. of intellect sexual curiosity in the realm of material science experimentation my quest as a baker is much more than just an ordinary culinary quest what is my goal to create the ultimate chocolate chip cookie experience where every bite is a harmony of flavors and textures and my ultimate goal the happiness of sharingbeats countless hours spent in the kitchen, it can be a bit dramatic in the realm of materials science experimentation.

I could just say in the realm of food science and then maybe I could say my goal is twofold: to create the ultimate. chocolate chip cookie experience that I'm not 100 convinced where we need this clause in the middle where every bite is a harmony of flavors and textures, it could be a little, it depends a lot on who you ask and then I would say two Even the most important thing is to share these delicacies or share these flavors with others, something like that. I think we want to preserve some of the color flavor text, but perhaps we don't need all of it in this quest toward an exquisite symphony of baking. always starts with a simple statement Mom, I'm going to use the kitchen after midnight.

I also like the specific city of Last Midnight. It really conjures up an image of this student messing around in his kitchen and playing with all kinds of ingredients at the same time. one in the morning the meticulous nature of my Search is evident from the beginning armed with a kitchen scale I meticulously measure each ingredient rejecting the idea that mirrorcups and teaspoons could adequately capture Weighing accurately by the gram is my declaration of war against uncertainty. I also carefully sift and remeasure dry ingredients driven by lessons learned from previous mistakes. I may not say thoroughly, but something like that carefully might be a little better.

I don't even know if we really need this phrase. I could just say arm with the kitchen scale. I measure each ingredient, then tackle the butter, since it is the quintessential cookie ingredient along with the chocolate. Here Mailard's reaction begins to come into play through the great butter debate Room temperature brown or cold love this question shows that the student knows what he is talking about when it comes to the field of baking and that he has analyzed all the different options and you clearly know that many people have strong opinions about butter through heat the organic chemical reaction between amino acids and reducing sugars creates melanoids in compounds that provide Brown Foods color and flavor.

Good level of detail, also some people will say you don't need to include so much scientific jargon, personally I would prefer you include too much detail to start with and then give it a different tone rather than keeping it too vague. It's much easier to be less specific than to be more specific. Then the chocolate dance takes the stage, but with a twist, something that is really What's great about this essay is how this student plays with fluidity, uses these kinds of metaphors, talks about baking as if it really were an art, and the it dances like a music and a dance, and it uses really fun verbs, so every time they have difficulty or see that they are writing.

It's a bit dry, try to think about evolving or improving your verbs. I combine semisweet chips with chunks of a dark tempered chocolate bar that embraces the beauty of imperfection by roughly cutting the slab. The result is oozing chocolate. Pockets where there are type V fats in the dark. chocolate mix with 50 sugar content of semisweet chocolate to create a harmonious mixture, yes, I must take risks, always introducing new variables, such as the unconventional step of adding a pinch of sea salt to the dough, only sodium improves our perception of sweetness and refreshment salt elevates cookies, reminding me how rival elements can coexist in holistic engineering design.

This ending is quite interesting. Rival elements and Engineering. Clearly, the student will apply for something else in the core fields. I think I hope that eventually everyone. The result is a testament to the engineering principle of materials science that small alterations and component properties and treatments can produce very different results. Chewy or fluffy cookies, for example, well, that's a matter of preference and both varieties occupy the same place in my cookie repertoire. Most importantly, I approach mistakes like Burning Cookie Bottoms as stepping stones to an improved outcome, not obstacles, so I liked the fact that this student was talking about accepting failure, but to me it felt a little out there. place, it was a bit hit and miss overall, still really nice. level of detail this student didn't come with a plan and say, "Hey, I really need to show attention to detail, I need to show that I'm okay with accepting imperfection, I need to show that it's okay to make mistakes now, how can I provide that?" Tangible evidence and proof of this in my cookie adventure, above all, I find the greatest joy in sharing my baked delights with teachers, friends, family and even people I have never met before, as Mother Teresa or Mother Teresa wisely said, It's not about how much we give but the love we put into baking is an expression of Love, gratitude and even admiration.

I would say that saying baking is an expression of Love, yes that's a little cliché, but baking is an expression of admiration, that's a little better, so I'm wondering if we can continue this thread a little longer and also, I'm not a big fan of using quotes, ultimately the admissions officer is more interested in hearing what you have to say, so I recommend pulling out this quote and just saying, to me, baking is an expression of admiration the site of delighted faces enjoying my cookies is my greatest reward the driving force feeling my passion for creating and sharing a recipient of my cookie Mana proclaims that Iris received many baked goods and this is the best she would buy her words were all that I needed to try again a little different and a little better.

On this channel I recommended that sometimes it can be a good strategy to have someone else complement your work, but in this particular case I don't think that's the case. In fact, the best compliment. I would probably just replace this and talk about how this student visits all the different club organization communities that he is a part of and then talk about how they give cookies to these different people and talk about their different reactions. Let's say this student wanted to thank his biology or chemistry teacher who taught him so much about materials science or food chemistry and let's say his name is Mr.

Johnson and Mr. Johnson actually has a gluten deficiency or is allergic to gluten. gluten, so this student comes up made up his own gluten free chocolate chip cookie recipe just to thank Mr. Johnson and then Mr. Johnson congratulates him. Achieving the exceptional requires the willingness to experience resilience in the face of setbacks and the joy of bringing happiness to others. I would say this. The last of the three doesn't quite fit. I would definitely change that up along my baking journey. I have learned to value the process of creating something extraordinary, even if it means making mistakes and traveling new, uncertain paths.

Make mistakes and walk new uncertain paths. It's pretty much exactly the same as oh, you have to be willing to experiment, willing to fail, creating something remarkable, that's pretty much the same as when in the first sentence it says achieve the exceptional, be very, very careful, guys. , with this regurgitation again. That is why analyzing and studying other people's essays is so valuable because they are not isolated themes, they are themes that we see in 90 to 95 percent of the essays that you send us. My goal is to bring that joy of learning and experimenting while we spin. the ordinary to the extraordinary now, that's a really cool idea, it's a cool claim to continue my studies in materials science engineering.

I don't know if you really need to mention materials science like three four times in the essay, just once or twice is enough. I have bloody navigated Science and Arts, I have navigated the Challenge and experienced the euphoria of sharing, also a little repetitive, but I liked how this student clearly articulated the combination of science and art that he had come to understand. I understood that each experience shapes me to be a person for life. student of life humbled by obstacles and enriched by the lessons they teach. I'm not a big fan of this last sentence for me, it's one of the weakest sentences in the entire conclusion and I would really focus more on the resilience experimentation that can be achieved.

I'm getting rid of this part here, but I think the conclusion could be 10 or 20 percent better if it were just 10 or 20 percent shorter, so my journey toward inventing the Materials Science Nirvana cookie continues not only in the kitchen but also in every endeavor I undertake. I'm not sure how I feel about this last line. One thing that was a little disappointing is that the rehearsal started off very, very strong and then we started to see it fizzle out towards the end, but again, having said all that, it is what it is. It remains an incredibly strong trial that I would say warrants admission as a final treatment.

I'm going to open up our elevated Ed essay rubric and then we can go through it and try to determine what the score should be for the first common essay that we look at. as well as the score of the second common essay of an application, now the first essay that we analyze today on how to deal with a family member who has cancer, intensifying tasks and responsibilities by showing altruism in different dimensions. I would say yes. It has personality, it was well written and it definitely gave Garner an emotional reaction from the reader, my rating would probably be around 6.75 and for reference we have definitely had students get into top Ivy League schools from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, top 20 schools with just over a six, so if you don't need a 10 out of 10 to get in, I graded my own essay at about an eight and Jeff's, I'd say it's closer to a nine, the chocolate chip Nirvana baking essay we just saw.

It would be a solid eight, definitely had some errors, but I would feel comfortable submitting it as my own looking back at my own Common App essay after all these years. I'm realizing that I didn't really mention intellectual curiosity and solving my problem. The ratio wasn't so good now either, as far as emotions were concerned. I would say it's not like the baking rehearsal made us cry rivers of tears, but it definitely captured that student's excited manner, joy, and authentic voice, so I'd say yes. meet that criteria and it was emotional in that sense, many of you are eager to have your essays edited, so if you want a professional review again, feel free to visit www.levate10.school, edit my essay and we will do it. please return your draft with detailed line-by-line feedback edits comments suggestions on the big picture and structure within three business days we are nearing the end of today's video but before you go I would really appreciate it, it would mean a lot to me if you guys You could just like this video or leave a kind comment below, everything we do is ultimately help you and serve you, we already went to college, we already went and graduated, but we are just trying to help you, serve you and provide you with more tips and advice so that you can get the help you need and deserve, thank you very much for watching, thank you for your time and attention and I will see you next time, take it easy guys, peace.