Easter Cold Open - SNL

THAT'S RIGHT, THE GRAVE WHERE HIS BODY IS LAID. MOTHER MARY, DRY YOUR TEARS. MARÍA AND I ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU. MARY IS RIGHT. Also, when we're done crying, maybe we should think of a girl's name other than Mary. WHAT IS THAT NOISE THAT COMES FROM INSIDE? LOOK, THE STONE, ROLLS. IS IT JESUS? BASICALLY, YES. HAPPY EASTER TO ALL. AS IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE, GUESS WHO COMES BACK, COME BACK AGAIN, COME BACK SHADY. VERY GOOD, GIRLS. YOU CAN GO. NO MORE ROWS. YOU DID GREAT. BYE BYE. GET OUT OF HERE. THAT'S HOW IT IS.

This is EASTER, A TIME OF THE YEAR WHEN I COMPARE MYSELF TO JESUS ​​CHRIST. She that's JUST ONE THING I DO NOW AND PEOPLE SEEM TO BE OKAY WITH IT. I WILL CONTINUE DOING. IF YOU THINK THIS IS BADLY SEEN, SHE IMAGINE HOW STRANGE IT WOULD BE IF SHE STARTED SELLING BIBLES. Well, I'm selling bibles. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BIBLE MADE FROM 100% OF THE BIBLE. SHE SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE, AND IN MANY WAYS IT IS, BUT IT'S ALSO VERY REAL. AS YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE BIBLE. IT'S MY FAVORITE BOOK. I HAVE DEFINITELY READ IT. MY FAVORITE PART IS PROBABLY THE END, HOW IT ALL ENDS.

BUT THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL BIBLE. AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR THE HIGH PRICE OF $60. BUT I DON'T DO IT FOR MONEY. I AM DOING THIS FOR THE GLORY OF GOD AND TO PLEASE AND ABOVE ALL FOR MONEY. BUT IT'S VERY SAD. RELIGION AND CHRISTIANITY ARE COMPLETELY GONE FROM THIS COUNTRY, AND WE NEED THEM BACK. WITHOUT RELIGION YOU HAVE NO LAWS, YOU HAVE NO MISSIONARY TRAVELS. THEY TOLD ME THAT MISSIONARY TRIPS ARE VERY FUN. YOU GO TO MEXICO, BUILD A HOUSE, MAYBE YOU KISS SOMEONE ON THE LAST NIGHT. THEN YOU WILL RETURN TO CLEAR WATER, FLORIDA LIKE IT HAS NEVER BEEN BEFORE.

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE MY NEW AND EVEN BETTER BIBLE. IT COMES WITH EVERYTHING YOU LIKE ABOUT THE BIBLE, LIKE THE EASTER STORY, WHICH IS MAINLY ABOUT JESUS, NOT SO MUCH ABOUT THE BUNNY. THE BUNNY NEVER APPEARED. ALRIGHT. NOW, MY BIBLE ALSO INCLUDES SOME BEAUTIFUL ILLUSTRATIONS LIKE MOSES FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER IN THE BASKET, AND UH-OH, LOOK OUT, HERE'S TRUMP IN THE BASKET. JUST BEHIND MOISES ABOUT TO PASS TO THE LEFT. AND HERE I AM IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN WITH MY CURRENT BODY. You know, I think I'd be really good at saying no to the snake from the point of view that I don't like fruit.

AND HERE IS NOAH'S ARK, ALL THE ANIMALS ARE IN THE ARK OF COURSE. THERE I AM YELLING AT NOAH, Hey, buddy, you forgot about the raccoon. BUT WE LOVE RELIGION AND WE LOVE GOD. HE IS PROBABLY THE BEST PART OF THE HOLY TRINITY. IT'S LIKE BEYONCE. COWBOY PURSE. GOD IS THE BEYONCE, JESUS ​​IS THE KELLY ROWLAND, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT WOULD PROBABLY BE THE BLACK MICHELLE WILLIAMS, WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT TO A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE. ALMOST AS IMPORTANT AS WHITE MICHELLE WILLIAMS IS TO WHITE PEOPLE. AND WE BELIEVE THERE WAS A FOURTH CHILD OF DESTINY, BUT WE WILL BE WATCHING IT VERY CAREFULLY.

VERY SHORT. BILLS, BILLS, BILLS, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. I LIKE THAT. I WOULD LOVE FOR SOMEONE TO PAY FOR MINE. NO TENANT? NO. WELL, BACK TO MY BEAUTIFUL BIBLE, WHICH ALSO INCLUDES THE CONSTITUTION AND THE OATH OF ALLEGIANCE, AND... I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THE MIRANDA RIGHTS, WHICH MEANS UNFORTUNATELY WE HAVE TO MAKE SOME CUTS. THIS BIBLE WILL NOT PRESENT AMOS OR HABAKKUC. SORRY, HABAKKUK, BUT NOW I THINK HE REALLY COOKS. IT'S TIGHT. AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE'LL ALSO GIVE YOU A TRUMP MIRACLE TOASTER. YOU KNOW HOW WEIRD ONES SOMETIMES SEE A PICTURE OF JESUS ​​OR SOMETHING IN THEIR TOAST?

WELL, HOW ABOUT TRUMP'S MIRACLE? AND THIS IS GREAT. THE OTHER SIDE DOES HELLO KITTY IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER OR MAYBE A SON WHO IS TAKING DANCE CLASSES. Anyway, it's Christmas Eve, so let's bow our heads (I'm not going to) and say the Lord's Prayer, which we all know very well, ME ESPECIALLY. OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HOLY BEEP BEEP, BING BING, BING BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BING BING, TRANSFER, DAILY BREAD, AND PLEASE LEAD US INTO TEMPTATION, AND PAY FOR OUR CARS. IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON AND THE EASTER BUNNY, AMEN, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!