Drug Dealer - SNL

DUDE, I THOUGHT THIS CLUB WAS A LITTLE SKY AT FIRST, BUT THE GIRLS HERE ARE CRAZY. I KNOW. I ALREADY HAVE LIKE THREE PHONE NUMBERS. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS NIGHT MORE PERFECT IS IF WE COULD SCORE SOMETHING. DO YOU MEAN LIKE COCA? YES, MAN. I DON'T KNOW. WHY NOT? WE ARE ON VACATION, ARE WE NOT? EVERYTHING WELL. As long as we can find something that is pure. THERE'S A LOT OF GARBAGE RIGHT NOW. Hey. Are they looking for cocaine? WHAT? I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO GET DRUGS? BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

WAIT, SERIOUSLY? I MEAN, IS IT PURE? IS IT PURE? DON'T INSULT ME, MAN. MY PRODUCT IS SO PURE WHITE, IT'S LIKE A RABBIT MAKING SNOW ANGELS ON A CLOUD. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. Hey. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR COCAINE? OH, I THINK SHE ALREADY FOUND SOME. YES. THEY ALREADY FOUND SOME. GET LOST. WELL, MY THING IS SO WHITE, IT'S LIKE GWENYTH PALTROW SKIING IN UTAH. GOOD. DAMN. I AM SOLD. HOW MUCH FOR THAT? HOW MUCH DOES THAT COST? WAIT A MINUTE. My cocaine is so pure white it's like the guy suing Gwenyth Paltrow because she can't enjoy wine tastings anymore.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR COCAINE? NO. THEY ALREADY DECIDED, MAN. WELL, NO, WE HAVE NOT. WE'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT'S PURE. LET ME TELL YOU THIS MAN, THE COKE I HAVE IS SO WHITE THAT HER DAD SENDS HER MONEY EVERY MONTH FOR THE RENT. GOOD. I THINK I WANT THAT ONE. NO, NO, NO. She that IS GARBAGE. THIS THING HERE IS SO WHITE THAT YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS ON A PLANE FROM IT. NO, NO, NO. YOU DO NOT WANT THAT. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN. THIS COKE HERE IS WHITEER THAN THE SECOND SEASON OF "THE WIRE".

OH, YES? WELL, MY COKE IS LIKE -- ♪ CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECE, THIS IS MY LAST RESORT ♪ MINE IS LIKE -- ♪ I intervened with a HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF LOCKING THE DAMN DOOR ♪ THAT'S WHITE, YEAH. Hey. Are they looking for cocaine? WE ARE FINE. THEY'RE ALL READY, MAN. WE ARE LOOKING FOR A COKE THAT IS SO PURE WHITE THAT IT HAS A LITTLE BOTTLE OPENER ON HER FLIP-FLOPS on it. MY COCA IS SO PURE IT WAS WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY NOAH BAUMBACH. WHO THE HELL IS NOAH BAUMBACH? A POET. MAN, THAT'S NOTHING. THIS COCAINE I HAVE SAYS THINGS LIKE, OOP, LET ME PASS BY YOU.

NO, NO, NO. THIS COCAINE IS SO WHITE -- OH, SORRY. How white is it? THANK YOU. HE IS SO WHITE, HE STANDS LIKE THIS ADMIRING HIS LAWN OF HER. MY COKE IS SO WHITE -- LET ME PASS YOU THERE. WELL. TOODLES. IT'S THAT WHITE. I ALREADY SAID THAT. VERY GOOD, MAN. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? EJ, I DON'T KNOW. I STILL CAN'T DECIDE. Hey. Are you looking for black tar heroin? WHAT? NO. OH, TOO BAD BECAUSE I HAVE BLACK TAR HEROIN THAT IS SO BLACK, IT'S... YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I SHOULD NOT SAY. NO, NO, NO.

I WANT TO HEAR IT. FORWARD. PLEASE TELL US. I WAS GOING TO SAY HE'S SO BLACK HE'S STRONG AND EQUAL. AND WE SHOULD ALL GIVE IT A CHANCE. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN HERE. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. LIKE I SAID, THIS COKE IS SO WHITE, HE LIKES TO SAY HE'S FROM CHICAGO, BUT HE'S FROM A SUBURB ON THE OUTSIDE OF CHICAGO. MY COCA IS 20 PAIRS OF YEEZY SNEAKERS. THAT DOESN'T SOUND WHITE. THEY ARE ALL DIRTY. THAT'S WHITE. he IS ENOUGH. THEY ALL SOUND VERY WHITE AND PURE. I CAN NOT DECIDE. So I guess we'll take one of each.

GOOD. EVERYTHING WELL. AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THERE'S NO FENTANYL IN THIS, RIGHT? NOBODY SAID -- GOOD --