Dollar General is out of ControlFeb 27, 2020
Alright, just a couple more items on the agenda... Angela, what seasonal candy do we have in stock right now? Is it Halloween, Christmas or Easter? Yes. All of the above. That's what I like to hear. Alan, close us with an updated store count. (mumbling) I'm sorry, what? I think... I lost count. Did you say... did you just say you lost count? Yeah, I, uh... lost count. (laughing) Very funny, Alan. But seriously, what's the updated store count? I don't know. I don't know. And I haven't known for a while and I've just been making up numbers. How come this happened?
I don't know. That's what I've been trying to find out! Surely there's some kind of computer program we could use to map all the locations, right? Surely, yes, a computer program. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, because I did! Oh, and this is what happened! See this? This is a printout of each Dollar General location in 2016, k? This is last year. But wait! This: This is today! Are those stores on islands? I think they are in the ocean. Surely this must be some kind of bug. No. He ran the program 50 times. Same result 50 times. And by the way, we're out of red toner.
And did you know that we don't sell ink cartridges in any of these stores? Calm down, Allan. CALM DOWN, KAREN! How did this happen? Big question. You know my cousin works in a science lab. You know, beakers, microscopes, lab coats. We know what a science lab is, Alan. So I gave him this. It's a piece of shop. And he took a piece out and put it under a microscope. And so? Then she saw this: Do you see that? That's a single Dollar General cell. It's not a big deal, is it? Mmkay... Two days later, this happened!
Boom! They divide themselves! Did you see that?! We are not building new stores. They are building themselves! What are those red things? Oh those are Redboxes. And none of them have the movie you're looking for. Ok, I didn't want to say anything... But last week I went and paid a visit to store #739. I went to the back to do an inspection, and... There was another smaller Dollar General back there. With all the staff! They said they were store 740. Sweet Clover Valley... They're multiplying! -What do we do? -We have to stop this! Wait, wait, wait... do you want to stop this?
We can't keep stores popping up everywhere. Didn't you hear Angela? They are turning into Russian nesting dolls. This is not a problem. This is an opportunity! We've come across the greatest discovery in scientific history: self-replicating storefronts! And you want to stop this?! What else do we do? Sell it. To who?! Who in their right mind would do this? How can you make money when you have more stores than people? Don't worry... I can think of some potential clients... (laughter) (maniacal laughter) Oh, hi, everyone. Whoops, not so fast! This is not your normal end card. Did you like the sketch you just saw?
Because we want to do more of those, but they are longer. And it's actually called a TV show, not a sketch. Yeah, we're running a Kickstarter campaign because we want to do a sitcom pilot. But, we need your help to achieve it. The campaign is active right now and ends on December 6th. So you have to hurry! Yes, click the link in the description or right here. And it will take you to the Kickstarter campaign where you can see all the information and all the rewards. -Help us. -Do it. Please! Yes please?
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