Craig Ferguson Rants + More

hemlock, okay this is from Ryan and Frisco in Texas, have you ever been on a trip to Frisco, Frisco, Texas, that's it, I think people in Frisco just call it if they don't have time to say risk, oh , that's exhausting, yeah, who has time for? that in this modern iPhone world I'm breathless thinking about it yeah yeah oh that's the end of the show we signed up for you never did the jingle but oh I know what I'm doing could you wait after the program to correct it? You corrected me during the show. Do you think that's the man on the hill?

I know what the hell it is, man, for trying to create a Socratic dialogue here and we're interrupting with your quote about jingles and for some reason it seems like I've developed into some guy. from foghorn leghorn some kind of talk I'll say ah I say uh your chicken Hawks on or ticket I say look at me look at me when I'm talking to you son are you having a spasm Desa sorry some kind of cartoon spasm a cartoon spasm yeah I'm having a risk oh that's what's called risk ISM rinin Oh Frisco in Texas your ass now I love you shirt no yeah well that's his, you were just a piece of paper but to be honest?

I don't even think they arrive on a piece of paper, so why do we have pieces of paper anyway? It's made up of emails and tweets and you put them on sheets of paper as if they arrived by owl and then you collect a little video. You never did the jingle right, maybe I didn't want to do the jamgön lately maybe I'm trying to mix it up a little Jeff, did you remember the jingle? No, I didn't mind remembering Jeff, we're a team, we did it. I don't want to do the jingle, do you know why Techno Holly does it?

We're not giving up, except for the jingle, right? I mean, you're trying, you're doing your best every day, you bring in the guys from the audience that you manually review. people, you're like a movie, everything that says you were, dad, we have to list this, um, I have to tell myself I didn't make the jingle like someone had seen the show, father Jango, who cares about the damn Jew exactly Oh. Will you stay up late tonight? See what the jingle is now. I don't have time for emails. You see. You see what he's doing. Jimmy's thought.

You have ruined. You've ruined the program. You have read the program. Say, watch me while I talk to you, son, but we don't have time, we'll have to do this tomorrow night, well then let's do the damn jingle, yeah, okay, sure the jingle, this is the room at Dillon in Dallas, Texas oh. You can tell there but Dillon is a feather in a small carp you like it you know like the little family carp there Jeff smoked feather fan I like a little feather tip I like it at the time of year the little fan we touch they came flutter around bat they make small nests and enjoy pecking at it says dear Greg and Jeff I took my nine year old son to see an R rated action movie over the weekend to find out my wife is furious, what did I do wrong? you took your here is what they are is far oh it's Rin appropriate for children that's why it's an R, absolutely absolutely, you were wrong because you were wrong and now Ross unreasonable? yeah, holding up your baby, you remind me of that figure in the dark, honey, Mandel, show it's a deal or no deal, you grumpy dinga self-righteous bastard no, no, yeah, what gives you the right Dylan, the Americans aren't here , bad words, you, the girl with the dragon tattoo, who work for a dark figure?

Is it the CIA and aliens? Oh, I'm just saying this load because I think he fell asleep too. This is from Ryan in Chicago, Illinois. I don't know if you can tell from the suspension. He looks like an eagle, but actually Ryan also has feathers, yes, that's right, he is a bear. I feel like I woke up there very excited for you. Yes, you know my indignation at that shadowy figure sitting there judging our incredible cursing skills. I Have a Cause Hey, I know you were really excited because Ringo was here and you've never met a Beatle before.

How do you feel? Oh, I feel great, yes, yes, it's very impressive. You know, you seem to like it. Well, we left. quite actually, really, yeah, I didn't want to bother you, that's strange because you often want to bother me, so what made you stop, but you loved to bother me, you let it bother me. I mean, you're a complete idiot to me. the moment why don't you tell me how you feel I really want to but I don't want to bother you oh wait yes I want to bother you tootsie fruitie tell me you're dating Ringo Starr.

I feel like an idiot. I was like, "Have you met Jeff?" And he's like, "Oh, no balls, no quitter," and you knew the whole time, in fact, your buzzword involved in this Sharad to make me look like a fool. That's quite a few people. I'm dating. Actually, that's how it is with Angela Lance, how did you know? Yeah, I know, she's nice, oh, she's nice, no way, yeah, I solved a couple of mysteries with that. What do you want? say with that she said? Has there been a murder in my pants I think we all learned something tonight this is from them in Brooklyn, New York, whether you realize that she is some kind of personal pleasure, I will do the hill, which is not easy with wings, right jab, you know who it's not, how, you wouldn't mind "Em from Brooklyn," Craig says, since no one uses your chair to guess, can I sit there and look at. the angry woman who watches your show?

The angry woman who watches the show is Beth from the network, yeah, what the hell is she from CBS? Well, they try Jeff, all right, no, you can't send people, always says that. Oh, keep in mind that you have two rented chairs, you have two chairs because there was no one sitting in that chair, you don't walk into someone's house and go, oh no, you would sit. That chair why do you have it is there those are the chairs a piece of bread is part of my thing oh look look at your curtains there isn't even a window buying them shut up shut up I can shut up about your stupidity you see but look there is a desk up there Weiser a desk here I don't have a proper job I don't do anything it's not even a real test look at it it's a fake desk it has no computer wiring underneath look at this look at this Oh Craig, why are you going to cheat?

This ship is not connected to anything. I know a better reason is that yeah, yeah man, when you gotta cheer up when you gotta change, shut up. Oh what chairs in the back of your car when you're just sitting in the front driving, why do you have those chairs in the back? You like it, why do you have a program? He's not even in the air, five super robots, gallons and he's not even a skeleton or robots, just the guy inside a very thin suit, what the hell? Nick in Anchorage says dear Krieger Jeff, why does Jeff have a mohawk and why is it made of metal?

You see, this is the same shit that no one has noticed why he doesn't have another form of hair. bandage made of metal why he is made of metal he is our robot that twice made of menthol hair doesn't grow on metal sometimes it does? sometimes yes why do you have a metal mohawk? So Jeff, I'm not going to answer that question, man. Why are you so angry? Because you say you're asking the same question as the guy who wrote in it. It's ridiculous. Okay, this is from Raymond. I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but it's Raymond's art.

Oh look. Here, what is that thing on the front of his face? Yes, it looks like a beak, a small penis, yes, and what is that? Oh, that's wood, we're worried, okay, anyway, you're welcome ten year olds, now that this is over. to play politics, check out what Obama's press secretary said this morning and take a look at this, yeah, I think he probably just thought of it with that broadcast. That's why we can't have anything good. You try to show a club we try. to show a club like people like The Daily Show what I am once in a while Regina oh you play the club but that's not how you play the clip oh what a great idea that would be juicy you see what I am. trying to maybe maybe you should read it again with an Indian accent, that's great and I'll read it with an Indian accent the present who is very happy that the two sides have come together it's a great day for America appears worse than usual tonight island us I've just started to notice bad words and things aren't working.

I'm taking a large dose of cold medicine right now. I don't care, I'll take you, mommy, you're not my buzz, this phone rang, yeah, hi, it's Jerry Jerry from Rusev, oh, happy day, the lighting is back to normal, last night, horrible, if you were watching the show First of all, I'm sorry, but last night the light came on and went, and we had to do the show, but we had special emergency lights and we used Jeff's eyes and that's all we had, so I'm on the Tweety . I'm on Tweety today, you know, and I'm checking my feed on my Tweety and it seems to me that there are a lot of people, most of the people were very nice, I have to say, but there are a lot of people who are like, yeah, Well, if the lights are working, the cameras are working and the robot is working and I'm like, I don't work, I would have fixed it there because people say, oh, you're just doing that for comedy, like you're mad, are you mad, why? what the hell?

Would he do that because it wasn't the first thing he uploaded? I guess I made a hole in the ceiling. Whatever I refrained from too he wasn't these are the same people that are there in my Tweety seemed to say Oh Craig you're dye your hair I won't die this is what happened sometimes sometimes Einstein when you put gel in your hair and you look brighter and darker gurgling what doesn't come I go one must always remain charming I don't dye my hair I haven't had a facelift I didn't make a hole in the ceiling and I didn't pretend the electricity wasn't working all these things are what they are because they are like that sometimes I dye my pubic hair this is from Janis in Montgomery Alabama please Pig and Jeff thank you my sister and I are fighting.

I see you never see the tweets until you read them for us on the show. It's true? Yes, of course, it is true. What you think would fall into this IV. the same drug before me, which is a slang word, there is no slightly better slang, while we are on the subject, here we go, I wanted to make this clear once and for all, internet idiots, we don't read tweets before of the program. hem don't rehearse I don't care what I think and I don't color myself black there, yeah, yeah, my Greg, how come your hair looks different?

Color it some nights from one night to the next day. I'll tell you why Internet. person because the lighting here is so bad it's actually consistent and God since then, right swipe, that's right, also, yeah, it's a great day for America, everyone, it's not a great day for us here in the glamorous land of showbiz. You probably can't tell by looking out the window, but it's raining here in Los Angeles and guess what, even though I have the best TV studio, there are leaks. Aren't you ashamed? CBS, don't be ashamed. This is a look from Regis, here's a clue.

I'm originally from Scotland and I came to live in California can you guys why not guys why maybe for magic week I can make a rabbit come out of the plastic bucket gentlemen it's so cool it doesn't even they get a showbiz bucket? Witek look, it's just a plastic bucket from the paint store, it's not even like they can put some paper in it, wrap it in tinsel or something glittery. Do we have a really disgusting bucket? I bet you wouldn't have it and the prices to do when they have a leak they have our fantastic bucket they will have a big blowout they will have a bucket brought from Egypt or something like that now there's me you can think well this is the biggest news today clearly this ceiling falling and it is not like that the most important news today is not that Obama will fix the economy or that the ceiling will arrive here or the bank is going to be the most important news today is that there is a giant snake in Colombia, it is true, the sample , do we have the headline, your old giant fossil? snake yes, it is a not real snake, this is the fossil of a snake, it is not a real study, it is just a fossil from a study, there is one thing, snakes like dry weather, no bank told me what sense you want to not do the show, no one said Oh Craig, we have a dangerous leak in the studio, do you know how much electrical equipment is here, fire chief, that guy in the uniform, I realized he wasn't a real fire chief, You have pants without ice, I'm not saying?

He's not adorable I'm just saying he has a proper fire chief that's right look I can I can be I could be killed and there's a studio audience here no no no that's fine you're expendable but I was really going to talk about it thank you I don't have time right now . I have complained too much about the hole and the ceiling in the television studio. You know the big leaks that move in the night. You know, when Conan arrives at 11:30 so Jay and Jay can get stuck with Anna. And everyone's moving and stuff, could we fix the roof?

It's like Jay Leno is a fly.