Court Case - SNL

-It has caught my attention that before the jury begins to deliberate, the accused would like to make a statement. Mr. Davis, the floor is yours. -Well. Thank you, your honor. Look, I'll try to make this short. You all already know me. You've all seen how I've behaved here. I think you have a pretty good idea of ​​who I am. And maybe I'm naive. I just don't think you need a sophisticated lawyer for a simple question of right and wrong. And I guess what I mean is, when I think about football, I don't think about television deals or licensing deals.

I think about being 10 years old, you know, in the backyard with my dad and we didn't have helmets or pads. All we had was the ball, and he would reach out to me and make plays in the palm of his hand. And I would go out and just run routes, knowing that every time he reached out, he put the ball in my hands. And then we go in, put on the game, and have a nice bowl of hot chili. Well, he passed away a few years ago. My memories like that are... they're all I have left of him.

I guess it's the most precious thing I have. Anyway, I don't want to take up any more of your time. I know we all have places we'd rather be. I just wanted to say that I understand that the phrase "Thursday Night Football" is technically trademarked. So yeah, maybe I shouldn't have put it on an invitation to a small group of friends playing a game of soccer in the park. I guess technically I broke the law, and if you want to punish me for that, you have every right to do so. Whatever you do, I will understand.

Alright. I just wanted to say that. Thank you. Thank you, your honor. -So I just want to remind the jury that that's not what this

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is about. What Mr. Davis actually did was organize an event called the "Puppy Bowl," where he took a group of French bulldogs to a high school football field and then kicked them through the field goalposts like they were little balls. soccer. -Objection, your Honor. There is no evidence of that. -We have a video of you doing it. Video you shot yourself and then edited into a "sizzling reel" to get Spike TV back on top.

It was the first evidence presented. We saw how with each kick you raised your arms and said "Adam Vinatieri", a kicker who hasn't played in the league for years. -And yet many of the juries are on my side. -Like who? -I don't know, jury number four was giving me vibes. -Oh, I was just remembering how you fired your lawyer the first day, and the judge said you were going to regret it. So when you were talking, I said, "Man, the judge was so right." And then I smiled. -Well, what about juror number two? She was so moved by my story that she was crying. -Oh, actually she was laughing at me, because you said your dad was dead.

But is not. He is there. He was... He was a prosecution witness. He said we should fry you. And then all of us pretty much stopped paying attention to everything you said after that. -Again, I didn't even know the dogs were going to be there. -That is not true. Your coworker said you kept telling them that they were going to be "hella dogs" there. And it was going to be the most depraved night of the year. -Okay, but none of the dogs were hurt. You have to remember that I invented a very soft shoe and we trapped them all in a big pillow. -Yes, we know that. -Exhibit C, photography.

I won't let you show that photo again. -Your Honor, please. -Okay okay. This is a photo of one of the dogs after being kicked 50 meters in the air and landing on a pillow. -Let it be stated in the records that you liked him. Did I kick him with a soft shoe? Yes. And he still liked it. -Alright. At this point, I would like to excuse the jury from deliberating. Go ahead and take as much time as you need. I'll be here enjoying a little light snack I made this morning. Nothing too heavy. Just a little something to take me to lunch, you know.

Oh. You're back. Oh, are you back yet? Well. I don't even have enough time to eat the sliced ​​melon. Alright. Well, president of the jury, have you made a decision? -Hey, we did it, Your Honor. -And what have you decided? -We found the defendant guilty of being the biggest party animal in the state. -Hell yeah! -In addition, 38 counts of animal cruelty, which carries a penalty of 5 to 10. -What? Alright, who cares? In any

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it will be overturned on appeal. -This is your calling. You're going to jail, Mr. Davis. I can only hope this brings peace to the victim's family.