Conan O'Brien: People In The Know Call Harvard "The Vard"

WE'RE BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN. STILL THERE. ACT LIKE YOU CARE! Esteban: I CARE. I'M THROWING IT AWAY. I'm going to throw it away, man. I'M JUST THROWING IT OUT... Hey, we're back here with Conan. SHOW ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO CARE ABOUT A GUEST. SHOW ME. I'LL SHOW YOU. (Sighs) I DON'T WANT TO... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE, STEPHEN, BUT THE NETWORK HAS BUSINESS TO CONDUCT, SO I HAVE TO GO. SO WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, AND WE WILL COME BACK, I'M GOING TO SPEND MORE PRECIOUS TIME WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME. AND I KNOW HE DOES IT TO YOU. NOW, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS WHOLE "ASK A QUESTION" THING. Stephen: MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK, CONAN. I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT. MANY RELATIONSHIPS ARE IN TROUBLE RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE A MAN, I CAN SEE THEM ALL. Stephen: NOT IN THIS CAMERA. ONLY IN YOUR CAMERA. WHAT PEOPLE AT HOME DON'T KNOW, YOUR CAMERA, YOU'RE GETTING THE SHOW, BUT NO ONE ABOVE CAN SEE IT. I CAN SEE EVERYTHING, AND I TAKE MY HAT OFF TO YOU. I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

Esteban: THANK YOU. MANY RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRESSED RIGHT NOW. HUSBANDS AND WIVES WHO DO NOT GET TOGETHER. Esteban: YES. AND YOU? HOW ARE YOU GUYS? Stephen: WE HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. HE HAS NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. EVERYTHING IS GREAT. EVERYTHING... HONEY, WOULD YOU COME HERE? SHE IS VERY HAPPY TO COME IN. SHE DOESN'T... SHE DOESN'T WANT TO ENTER. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN THREE DAYS, HAVE YOU? Stephen: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, CONAN. HOW ABOUT LIZA? HOW DO YOU GET ON? WELL, LIZA AND I ARE PRETTY WELL. WE'RE DOING PRETTY WELL. THERE WAS A PERIOD WHERE IT GOT BAD, WHICH I TOOK LIPSTICK AND DRAW A FACE ON A BROOM, AND I WAS TALKING ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE.

AND REALLY WE... OUR MARRIAGE BLUSHED FOR A WHILE UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS. THE BROOM AND I GET ON VERY WELL. Stephen: SHE REGRET YOU. GOOD! It's okay, really, it's okay. Stephen: ANYTHING, ANYTHING TO FILL THE TIME. HUGE. Stephen: BUT IT'S REALLY LOVELY. MY CHILDREN ARE ADULTS. THEY ARE BEING VERY PATIENT WITH ME. MY YOUNGER IS 18. AND THE OLDER, LIKE PETER, IS... HOW MANY ARE YOU, 45? THE OLDER BOY. HE'S 21. MY DAUGHTER IS 24? 24, RIGHT? SHE'S GOING TO BE SO ANGRY THEY HAD TO GUESS. SHE IS 24 YEARS OLD AND WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HER WAY. THEY DESERVE TO NOT HAVE US ON...

YOU KNOW, ON THEM ALL THE TIME. THEY'RE ACTUALLY... THEY'RE VERY SELF-ACTUALIZED, MUCH MORE THAN I WAS AT THAT AGE. WE WANT TO GET OUT OF HER WAY BUT WE CAN'T. MY SON IS FLOURISHING IN THIS ENVIRONMENT, BECAUSE HE LOVES... HE IS 14 YEARS OLD. LOVE TECHNOLOGY. SO HE'S WORKING ON HER COMPUTER. IT IS CODING. HE IS TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS about him. He...he...really loves it. I mean, he hates that there is a pandemic, but he is doing very well. MY CHILDREN ARE VERY WELL. THEY ARE VERY BUSY. THEY ARE NOT AS NEEDY AS ME. Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION BEFORE WE GO HERE, CONAN AND I KNOW.

LISTEN, I HAVE TO GO BECAUSE I'M DOING "THE DICK CAVETT SHOW" RIGHT AFTER THIS. FANTASTIC. Stephen: Have you ever been mad at BOB DYLAN? UH... ANGRY AT HIM? Stephen: BECAUSE I'M FURIOUS AT BOB DYLAN RIGHT NOW. WHY. Stephen: YOU KNOW HE MADE THAT J.F.K. 17 MINUTES. SONG IN RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO MAKE A PARODY OF "HOME SICK BLUES." AND DYLAN SAID IN CLEAR TERMS, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT." NEUTRON BOMB A LAWSUIT. I DON'T THINK IT'S NICE. HOW MANY TIMES IS THAT SONG? LET THE REST OF US KEEP THAT IN MIND.

I HAVE A BOB DYLAN STORY. A FEW YEARS AGO I WENT TO A BOB DYLAN CONCERT, AND I WAS SITTING A FEW STAGES AGO, AND IT WAS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND MY GOOD FRIEND AND GUITARIST, JIMMY VIVINO, SAID TO ME, "DO YOU WANT TO MEET BOB?" AND I SAID, "I'M NOT READY TO MEET BOB." AND HE SAID, "LET'S GO." THEY DRAGGED ME INTO THIS ROOM AND SUDDENLY THE PEOPLE PREPARED AND I FOUND ME FACE TO FACE WITH BOB DYLAN. AND THAT WAS WHEN HE HAD THAT MUSTACHE, LIKE A VILLAIN FROM A 1920'S MOVIE. HE HAD THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE AND HE LOOKED AT ME.

AND I SAID, "OH, HELLO, MR. DYLAN" AND HE SAID, "I KNEW YOU FROM TV!" AND JUST THEN THEY TOOK ME OUT OF THE ROOM. AND THAT WAS MY ONLY CONTACT WITH BOB DYLAN. "I KNOW YOU FROM TV!" HE SAID IT LIKE THIS. Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A REALLY GOOD SONG, ACTUALLY. IT MUST BE ONE OF HER SONGS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? Stephen: SO THIS IS... THIS IS... I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU PROOF OF WHAT AMERICA WILL NEVER HEAR. YES. Esteban: WELL? GOOD... ♪ ♪ ♪ LET'S GO! I UNDERSTAND THAT SONG PARODY IS THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMAN ENTERTAINMENT, BUT IT'S FINE!

YES... I THINK-- ♪ ♪ ♪ Stephen: COME ON, BOB! SO, YOU'RE USING -- Stephen: THIS COULD HEAL A NATION. NO,NO. THERE WERE MANY YOUNG PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. IT HAS TO BE A CARDI B SONG. Stephen: I'M ON CBS, CONAN. IT HAS TO BE DUALEAPA. YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT. YOU CAN'T SAY, "HEY, KIDS. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO FINISH BOB DYLAN." Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE HIM DOWN! I'M CELEBRATING BOB DYLAN. YES. WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, MAN. YOU'RE TOO FAR... I'M ANGRY AT BOB DYLAN.

I'M SORRY. YOU'VE GOT A GUITAR OVER YOUR SHOULDER AND I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT BEING FAIR TO YOU, AND I APOLOGIZE, CONAN? CONAN. ARE YOU CRYING NOW? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE CRYING. I LOVE IT IN OUR INTERVIEW WE TELL US WHAT THE GREAT HOLY CROSS COLLEGE IS LIKE. Stephen: AT LEAST-- HALF OF MY FAMILY WENT TO THE HOLY CROSS AND THEY CALLED IT "THE CROSS." Esteban: I UNDERSTAND. WHEN I DIDN'T GO TO “LA CRUZ” I HAD AN UNCLE WHO TOLD ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THE CROSS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? Stephen: YOU WENT TO THE VARD, DID YOU?

YES, PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO CALL HARVARD "THE VARD". THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE CALL IT, PEOPLE WHO KNOW. Stephen: CONAN, AGAIN, I'M A GUEST ON YOUR SHOW RIGHT NOW-- AND YOU'RE A GUEST ON MINE. Stephen: HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND OUT HOW PART OF THIS WILL BE DONE ON THE AIR? YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN? I GET BOTH SIDES AND YOU GET BOTH SIDES AND I EDIT IT YOUR WAY AND YOU EDIT IT YOUR WAY AND WE COMPARE IT LATER. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERVIEWS. DID YOU KNOW? YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO BE ON MY VERSION.

WE ARE GOING TO REPLACE. I WILL REPLACE MATERIALS WITH YOU. Esteban: EXCELLENT. OF A MONKEY WASHING A GOOSE? YES, A MONKEY WASHING A GOOSE. AND IT WILL GO VIRAL THE NEXT DAY. Stephen: WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN. IS IT SO? IS THAT THE IDEA?