Codependency and Abandonment Fears | Tips and Strategies for Enhancing Self-Esteem and Relationships

This episode is pre-recorded as part of a live, on-demand continuing education webinar. CEUs are still available for this presentation by registering them at allceus.com/counselor toolbox. I would like to welcome everyone to today's presentation on addressing

codependency

and

abandonment

.

fears

. I'm Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes. You may think these are two completely different issues, but they are not actually

codependency

, for many people it is an expression or a reaction to their year of

abandonment

and let's look at how this can actually happen, we will review attachment theory. Briefly define codependency, learn more about abandonment and core

fears

, identify ways in which codependent behaviors can be ways to cope with the trauma of abandonment, and explore tools and activities to help clients recognize their codependent and related behaviors. fear and to act.

Indeed, if you have to look at PowerPoint, it allows you to log in to all the CEUs in the class. com, download the PowerPoint and you will have it forever. So what is attachment theory? He thinks about Bowlby and started talking about how we form that initial attachment relationship with a primary caregiver who is now very sometimes the mother, but this. This is not always the case, but a primary caregiver is also important and an attachment figure, so if a baby is separated from their primary caregiver, attachment behaviors such as crying and searching may occur to help them find their primary caregiver because they are helpless.

They say you know what to survive. Should you come here and help me stay warm, help me feed me, help me feel safe by maintaining closeness with an attachment figure through attachment behavior, increase the chances of survival? You know it makes sense to make our initial commitment. relationship, we learn how scary and safe the world is, think about Erikson's psychosocial stages of development when our needs are not met, if we do not have the initial committed relationship, distrust towards distrust when the child is cold and cries and does not meet the needs, the child begins to think that it is a very unpleasant place to be, if the child is afraid and does not meet his needs, the child may begin to think that it is not a good place by not being through this Children learn how trustworthy other people are because the child trusts or expects the primary caregiver to respond to his or her needs, and if the primary caregiver repeatedly fails to address his or her needs, or sometimes, even worse, fails to respond to his or her needs, As the child begins to learn that others cannot be trusted to meet his or her basic needs, we learn from our primary committed relationship whether we can trust our own feelings, because when we cry or when the baby cries, the primary attachment is a pacifier in the mouth or is then fed by the child.

They'll be hungry, won't they now? Of course, they don't have the words to say it, but they don't know what they're eating and that still doesn't make them feel any better. They don't feel, so they don't know what it is. is happening and I mean, in the mind of a baby, she doesn't have many words to say, but she knows that something is not right, and from this initial bonding relationship we learn what it looks like, you have to love it, take care of it. appreciated and if it doesn't happen then this is what we expect in future

relationships

the seizure system essentially asks the next fundamental question is the figure close seizure accessible and listen, oh now that last one is a big kick in the butt because the figure The attachment figure is usually close, but in many cases the attachment figure may be emotionally unavailable or distracted, the attachment figure may be that you are too quickly caught up in your own things to care for your

self

.

Be attentive to the young child. , therefore If the answer is yes, the neighborhood attachment figure is approachable and attentive, the person feels loved, safe, and their behavior is conducive to exploring their environment and interacting with others, now consider whether to look at children in the playground. and a lot of times it's like where's mom and dad? I mean, I'm talking about very young children, where mom is and if she's safe. I go out to see if they fall and hit someone's knee or someone's bad luck with them, that usually happens. the child starts crying or runs back to their parent's house because that is the safe place we all need this safe base to whether we are six months old or 26 years old we need this safe place to return to if the answer is No. , the attachment figure is not around, is not emotionally or physically accessible, or is not attentive, does not want to be there, is unable to meet the child's needs to see, then the person will be anxious but will probably display attachment behaviors, which They range from simple visual search if the person as an attachment figure cannot be seen, active following and vocal signals to the other person who can be anything but following you and putting on the dress, mommy mommy mommy mommy - cry - scream - throw a tantrum to get it. parents' attention and when c Children have my first question to parents: what did the child want to achieve now, it could have been getting candy, but if the child behaves well many times, there is more than he needed Attention, he What they needed was a limit that their blood sugar was low, so you had to feed them, so what was the function of that behavior?

This seeking behavior continues, until the person can restore a desired level of physical or psychological closeness to the attachment figure and this is important, we should focus on it to some extent, but physical closeness is great, but if we are physically close and the person who is not emotionally accessible or attentive doesn't do it very well, but we can get psychological closeness without physical closeness, so maybe you have someone that you know, a soldier who is deployed and can talk to his children and can get closeness psychological. to attack The figure and the soldier when they talk to the child in the Internet chat, or whatever, they are accessible and attentive to the child at that moment, so there is a connection, only because the people being separated by miles do not This doesn't necessarily mean it will destroy the attachment relationship, even babies can hear their parent's voice on the other end of the line, it's not exactly the same, but if you can make the connection when the baby's parent can hear, it fits the voice. reassuring, it helps them a lot, so that they too can recover a desirable level of physical or psychological closeness, or simply relax, and it is learned helplessness that teaches them that it does not matter how much they scream, if they want the person not to return and you get learned helplessness we know that depression is associated with helplessness and hopelessness and if the person seeks a figure attack it was for comfort due to 'a feeling of anxiety about something they perceived' as a threat, they needed it to be fulfilled, so they have anxiety because they have not yet met the need and hopelessness, then you know they are in a bad place, which causes you to become attached to certain types of events that trigger a desire for closeness and comfort on the part of the caregivers and want Think not only of children, but also of adolescents.

I want you to think about the adults. We all need seizures. We are prepared for it. Why do we have oxytocin? we are wired to be connected; There are three main cases of the person's conditions if they are tired, hungry, sick with pain, cold in addiction, we use the acronym keep hungry, angry, lonely or tired, but I want you to think about what and think about your

self

when you do some Of these things you want someone to take care of you and help you. I know when I'm sick you know I tend to be overly spoiled, I admit that.

If I'm tired. I would like to be alone, but we have to analyze the causes. As we get older, we can feed ourselves, so if we feel we are hungry, which usually does not cause a feeling of attachment. but there are many other internal things that can cause the need for care and the conditions of closeness with respect to the caregiver or the attachment relationship, which is why in adults the care relationship is more important than the caregiver in terms of father, but the circumstances of the carer, as the carer is absent especially for a long time, this can cause feelings of abandonment, a need for contact with the person when the carer is ready to leave, whether for a job, a weekend getaway or maybe just for you.

They are dropping their child off at preschool on the first day, and that causes them anxiety because they are not sure they have ever been in this situation before, so we do this to remember that you know that if the caregiver leaves, it can cause some attachment behaviors that are not bad, if the child cries when you first leave him that is not bad, if he is inconsolable then you know we may want to look but we want to acknowledge the fact that children want to make sure the safe base of operations be accessible to them if the caregiver does not recommend proximity, letting you know I don't know an overly complicated way if the caregiver doesn't want to be bothered if the caregiver says go away, you don't Now I don't know , you bother me, you know that this constantly pushes the child away emotionally or physically, which can cause a need for attachment, because the child is fine.

Can't. I can't get close to my base. I can't calm down I can't those hugs I can't all those neurochemical reactions that happen when I'm caring and taking care of others to get the attention of others and we see it a lot when there's a new baby in the home or If the parents get divorced and the primary caregiver begins dating another person, the child may return to attachment behavior and a greater need for more constant connection over a period of time and environmental circumstances, troubling events, criticism or rejection for other things happening that do. If you feel bad it usually makes you go back to someone you love, someone who gives you comfort and peace of mind, console yourself with it, no matter how old you are when things go wrong, it is difficult to deal exclusively alone, that is why we want to take these into account. causes, and if clients relapse, if you want to look for attachment and especially look for unhealthy attachment, we want to see what's going on, what engenders what convulsive relationship summary that's going on that creates that need for comfort like I said, we all need social

relationships

. , the hips are one of the greatest shock absorbers against stress, so this need for attachment does not disappear, but we want to observe what is happening and the quality of the attachment relationship that the person experiences, whether it is a child or a adult. guarantees that they know that person's plan to return, they know they can count on that person, it is uncertain, they are not sure if the person will be there, many more years and anxiety-related behavior when Patricia requested a question. question about a child who is well attached but still demonstrates the characteristics of not being attached, is afraid of clinging, so I would probably look at it from two aspects, number one, I would try on the child's shoes, so to speak, some children.

They are what we call high-needs children, and what seems like a good number for one child may not be enough for another child, so I want to see if the child is really meeting all of his or her needs, is emotionally dysregulated, and the parent is not able to answer what I would look at what might reinforce this behavior if they fear and find out what triggers it and you, a behavior change behaviorist, can have and ask what triggers this type of behavior, are they in specific environments or are they? in the overall environment and what does promoting this behavior do if the child scratches, is there what type of reinforcement is occurring, because if not there is a reward of some type?

If the child was not a reinforcer, the child would not continue to do so; they would do something else; These are the two aspects that I would look at: the parent meets the specific needs of this child, some children are just very intense and there are certain things that cause or maintain this behavior, they reward certain characteristics, certain behaviors that maintain this behavior. so the impact of the seizure how loved or unloved we feel as children profound influence on the formation of our self-image whether we feel accepted think again Erikson trust versus distrust initiative versus guilt you know, we begin to separate our ability to separate ourselves from development our attachment figure, but we know that if we are out there, against inferiority, we try, we push our limits and we will fail, but if we have a good connection, we return to the safe base and the figure. seizure you say you know you're good I love you you're a great person okay so maybe football isn't your thing or maybe science isn't your thing what else do you do what's good and you're a good person despite what abilities you can or no and what helps people build their self

esteem

and start saying you know what I'm good at at certain things not so good at others but that's okay because I'm a good person early relationship seizures aap how do we look for love and if we feel part of life or more like a stranger if the child isConstantly alienated and feeling isolated, then you feel more like a stranger looking for love and then being loved and returned.

They are more likely to look for what they need in their adult relationships because they know they are likely to get it back as we individuate, and as children go through identity formation in high school, begin to gain the approval of others again. their peer groups from their loved ones, so this attachment changes a little as we become more independent and able to meet our basic needs, but we always need the connection that social approval has if it has unconditional positive regard. . In this sense, the abandonment of unmet needs may occur; the child may feel abandoned emotionally or physically if biological and safety needs are met, this can cause anxiety at any age, not just in a baby if a biological need is not met, if it is a person who is 26 years old and does not have Home can cause anxiety some people choose that lifestyle but in many people it can cause anxiety fear of abandonment is a natural survival response when a person feels unloved Abul ineffective and helpless we tend to be afraid of being abandoned because we don't believe that no one wants to make him stay.

People feel that they are not meeting their own needs, and note in bold italics here if they feel that they are not meeting their own needs, even if they objectively appear to be meeting their needs if they don't feel like it they haven't, they will exhibit behavior of abandonment; they will show more anxiety; Therefore, it is important to help people look and judge objectively with the help of cognitive processing therapy. r cognitive behavior to identify, and obviously it's not for young children, it's for older people who can use these interventions, but they can objectively help them see if they are meeting their needs, because sometimes it is possible to find the good to Minimize things and focus only in the bad things, so we want to help them see that, but if they feel that they are not meeting their own needs, they are effectively fighting to meet the needs of others, so if they are constantly fighting for love, they may be manipulating others. to get love from others, every stressful situation becomes a crisis because they are already in threat mode, so if they are afraid of abandonment, if they are afraid of not being loved, they feel that they are not loved and yes, if their partner leaves for one reason or another, whether it's divorce, or he just never leaves the store again, or he dies, or whatever it may cause, then we see it. in some older people, I shouldn't even say older people;

We see this with some couples who have been together for a long time, if half of the couple dies, then the other person feels very vulnerable and insecure about everything that is happening, because that other person and my grandparents were a perfect example. , my grandfather always paid the bills and did the things my grandmother said around the house and they buried traditional gender roles and when he passed away, at any moment something would break into the house every time she had to pay bills or anything for the one who will pass his anxiety. the ceiling, and she would have to call my uncle and be grateful that he stayed very close and could help bridge the gap, but yes, we see abandonment behaviors and high levels of anxiety when relationships between people end unexpectedly now, No?

It doesn't mean that they feel good, if the partner doesn't necessarily die, but if the partner leaves as a result of a divorce, yes, for some people that can affect their self-

esteem

, which not only makes them feel helpless, but also lacks love. , which can increase the fear of abandonment when people are in a situation of fear of abandonment, what kinds of things cause fear of abandonment or cause fear of rejection and isolation if people fear being abandoned, they fear that someone will reject them, then They will be hypersensitive to signs of rejection and isolation, they will seek solace and solace in everything they can, they will be afraid of loss of control and the unknown, because they suddenly cannot take control of their lives, or in the case of From that they are babies, they would never be able to control their lives, so it is a constant fear that enters their hearts, and they feel that they may be failing because if they don't have a secure base, if they go there and fail, they basically think about falling flat on their face. the cement, it hurts a lot and there is no one to lift it, so all of these things intensify if there is no secure base to return to the problems of signs of abandonment.

I want you to think about how this behavior protects the person from surrender and it seems like a kind of counter-abandonment that produces this behavior, but too quickly it can protect people from surrender because if they are alone and fear rejection, finding someone and they just cling to it, it's okay, I finally found that I have my secure thing, I found my security, I have my life on the line, so I get attached and I get attached tightly and we see it in a lot of people. Not only do clients say that they are with someone and suddenly, 24 hours later, they are in love, they turn the page very quickly, it is quite the opposite, but it can happen with the same person, they can connect very quickly, and when I find the relationship, I find everything and then they move on to the next person and discover that in the next life the rope of life they can hold on to may be companions they like, things to do that they normally don't do because they are afraid of rejection.

They do this by accepting and not living authentically, they can settle for bad relationships because a bad relationship is better than no relationship in their mind, they constantly look for flaws, how does this protect a person from abandonment, if you constantly look? because of flaws in the other person, then you start to see that the other person is imperfect, if the other person is personally imperfect, and you think that you are imperfect, then he is less likely to leave you and if you see that the other person is It is very important logical logic here, but you can see how it makes sense from a certain point of view if a person is reluctant to fully invest in a relationship, if they have abandonment issues, if they can turn off their heart and if they have this strength surrounding them because they don't want to get back together. being hurt, so they don't want to let it all out, it makes sense to me, if they struggle to trust the same thing that has the wall around their heart, they don't want to be hurt;

They are afraid to trust because that trust has been betrayed before avoiding emotional intimacy; they feel unworthy of love, unworthy of love, how do you protect yourself if you don't feel worthy of love, then you don't expect love if you don't? if you expect love you won't be disappointed if you don't get love you don't get it or if you are abandoned then you have to look at it again from a certain point of view they are jealous of almost everyone now you can say everyone almost all jealousy is anger jealousy is fear of loss Jealousy of someone is anger towards someone because you have a better relationship so you are jealous.

This is the feeling that pushes people away to keep them away from your pain or your attachment figure if you are in a relationship and if the person is really jealous of you. I can't not connect with other people outside of the relationship, so theoretically abandonment can happen if you can't connect with another person, you see the problems with logic, but you can also see what jealousy is like. It may be a reaction. To abandonment and a way to protect yourself from hypervigilance and overanalysis, if you are constantly afraid of abandonment, you will be on the lookout for signs of rejection for signs that you may not be able to control the other person. the signs that you know you are failing and letting the other person down, so the person who is afraid of abandonment is very alert and will overanalyze almost every situation to try to make sure they won't be let down, the problem is that The more you look for something, the more likely you are to find it from a certain point of view, so if someone is hoping to find something if it is tied up, they will be very alert to clues and will see, even if it is tied up.

Innocents, they are likely to interpret this as abandoned signals that suppress anger if you repress it, if you are afraid of someone disappointing you and if you are alert and overanalyze everything and see it as rejection and indifference, yes you can. suppress anger because you feel those feelings, but you would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. People who fear abandonment can be overly controlling because if they are the puppet master controlling the puppet, they know exactly what is going to happen, and Pinocchio. he's not going to get up and leave himself - sabotage and blame himself for breaking out if people fear abandonment, if people experience abandonment, then look what I've done, because we go back to the initial abandonment problems that people People with Abandonment issues usually feel helpless and insecure, so of course if they are unloved and helpless they will see why the person left me;

It must be me, which makes them feel even less loving and more afraid of being abandoned and never being loved, so you could say why some of these things in bold are the bold areas that quickly connect to bad relationships , vigilant suppression of anger and also a lot of control, are also characteristics of codependency. There are more responses to fear of abandonment that can conflict, so I want you to think about how this surrender that maintains this behavior can occur and what the long-term consequences are and these are things that we will discuss in the group. one at a time.

I don't put them all together because it's overwhelming, but we start talking about when you fear abandonment, what's happening in your relationships, how the quality of your relationship has changed, so if you go into fight mode, maybe you become aggressive hostile and you start blaming and criticizing, how does that stop you from leaving the person? I encourage you to really think about the fact that if you try to dominate, you try to control the person, you try to make the person feel bad. on themselves so that they don't feel loved and that they don't give up dominance, try to control the recognition of others, to validate attention and get approval and you're okay, how are you doing in the battle area?

It's an active thing, a proactive thing, if you respond, but to get attention to keep the relationship going, so I'm going to dance and do whatever I have to do to get recognition and validation, so my partner remembers how wonderful I am. I am and that they should not abandon me from manipulation and exploitation such as seduction, people can become very seductive order histrionics and their behavior, if they are afraid of abandonment, they can try to connect in any way with the person who can help them lie. ; they can justify almost anything to try to keep the relationship, they can cling and chase and again it's in the fighting aspect because instead of running away they run to the person you can't leave, I need you to stay in what can be sticky and You rush in. the form of you know 24 text messages in half an hour can show up at your door, it can beg, it can even show up in the form of certain self-destructive behaviors and shame, which is an anger is because you feel needy, so when people feel needy, they may be really angry with themselves and begin to act callous or self-harm in response to the fear of abandonment, because instead of asking for help or feeling worthy of love and affection, they feel like they should stop existing and run away shorter list here like the people flee from abandonment, they can withdraw if they fear that someone is preparing to abandon them, they can withdraw; they may stop dating physically no matter what they may withdraw emotionally to start breaking up.

If they are sad they won't get hurt they can withdraw through addiction numbing everything it's like I don't care. Now think about the relationship, how does this stop them from avoiding abandonment, but this stops them from letting go of the pain, so if they pull back, they are still in control, they are the abandoners, yes, they are the abandoners if you want instead from the landfill. If they back out, it's the one who decides to stop investing so the other person doesn't have the long-term effects of fight or flight. If this behavior encourages clients to really analyze how it affects their relationship over time, yes, in the short term you may feel that the person can save you and give in to them, but in the long term the person may create a healthy and long-lasting relationship, or it simply prolongs the time until the person finally abandons the relationship, then we move on to codependency, because as I said, dependence is a reaction to abandonment, fear codependency describes a type of relationship in which one of the partners defines their worth or goodness based on another person, if I can save this person, that means I am good, so you can go into this relationship knowing that you are going to be the savior, that means that if you save to that person, they owe you and we are less likely to let them go, and if this person loves me, that means that I love them, so it is important in that relationship to be in and make sure that the person recognizes the love. -the dependent person often chooses relationshipsin which the other person needs to be saved, which makes it indispensable, so think about, why would you get into a relationship with someone who needs to be saved in the first place, why would you get into that relationship in the first place? relationship and how it can be a result of low self-esteem and fear of abandonment if you are in a relationship with someone who needs to be saved if you do things to save someone you tend to feel better about yourself and that person can become stronger in and like I said that a Once the person has put themselves in the position of being the date as Savior, they feel much more indispensable, which makes the fear of abandonment go away because it is good that this person needs me to have, without which they cannot live again. , in How does this behavior prevent abandonment and what allows them to avoid confrontation or miscommunication?

We generally talk about good relationships with open communication, so why not avoid it? Confrontation and often means that arguing and arguing in the person's past has led to abandonment, so they don't even want to risk it, so they don't go? Then there is poor communication because the PERT, the codependent person, often just bites his or her tongue. Inability to identify feelings except chronic anger and feelings of happiness. Feelings of love. The difference between love and pity is very confusing for the codependent person. So how does this work? prevent abandonment well if they have difficulty naming their feelings, then it is harder for those feelings to get hurt, perhaps by neglecting their needs and trying to attend to the other person first, well that makes sense if you want to prevent abandonment, if you are attending someone, then you think well, that will prevent them from leaving and if the person you are caring for falls into that trap, then the relationship remains, but it is a relationship of give, give, no give and take, and it becomes exhausting. accept verbally or physically. abuse by others In many codependent relationships there is a fair amount of verbal, if not physical, abuse and it can go both ways and it is important to analyze what you are willing to accept and why you stay in a relationship situation that is harmful for what you stay in a relationship that is abusive is a recapitulation of the past it is just fear of being alone what it is taking responsibility for the actions of others, especially the one you are in a relationship or relationship with In a codependent relationship, this is a of the characteristics of a codependent relationship.

The codependent person is going to cover up by taking the blame and doing everything possible to allow the person with the problem whatever the problem is and it may be addiction, but there can be many other things in codependency there is a need to control the Otherwise there is a need to have this perfect facade there is a need to control things because if the codependent has control of everything and everyone then things will not go wrong if the codependent does not control other people then they could be abandoned, then the other people could get into trouble because the codependent takes on this role of ultimate protector, so to speak, but at extreme expense and they start doing things for everyone.

What else should those people do for themselves and does the codependent feel ashamed when other people make mistakes? Now how does that prevent abandonment if the codependent is responsible or considers himself responsible for doing everything right, controlling everything and letting you know that he is the Puppeteer, then if someone else plays the mother, the person in that relationship commits a mistake, then it reflects on it in your mind, so you feel bad, you do more than your share at work or at home. Well, in a codependent relationship, this person is trying to get approval. trying to get validation they are trying to get other people to go away you know I couldn't do this without you it makes them feel safe for the moment they may refuse to ask for help because if they ask for help it shows weakness and weakness is could lead to rejection , which could lead to abandonment.

They need validation from others to feel good about themselves or not to hurt themselves. Therefore, when they do things, people with codependency often have a great need for recognition of what they have done. They need people to recognize them. Wow, my gosh, I couldn't do that, you're so strong or you know, thank you so much for doing that, I couldn't do it without you, that's what they need to have that reinforcement. They believe that everyone's feelings are more important than their own. so they're always trying to make everyone else happy, they don't feel good, they go back to that, they have a hard time identifying the feelings they're not feeling because they're so worried about making sure everyone else is happy and keeping their lids shut. things that don't attend to their own feelings may feel trapped in the relationship but stay to avoid feelings of abandonment, they are often intertwined and have poor boundaries, well if you are trying to control everyone and you are invading and trying to make sure you do happy everyone else, so yeah, that's messing up, that's really bad.

There are emotional limits, but when you are entangled, then you think about being trapped in a web that you cannot get out of and the web can. He also won't walk away from you, so he can avoid abandonment, overcommitment, and feeling overwhelmed. Well, if you're doing everything for everyone else and you refuse to ask for help and you're not taking care of yourself, yes, they might. I feel a little indebted to you, but you'll also feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you'll feel overwhelmed, so it's also not uncommon for any of these things and all of these things to be a product of trying to avoid abandonment.

That entanglement, you know, if I get entangled with other people then they won't be able to get me out, they'll keep me around, soaked or abandoned, and beliefs that arise in people who are codependent and even who aren't. It's not codependent. All people abandon distrust. People will hurt. Decline. They take advantage of me. Or they're just not there when I need them. Emotional deprivation. I don't get the love I need. No one understands me. He cares about me or even tries to meet my needs now. If you're working with an adult who has abandonment issues, you might see really intertwined relationships with their children because their children can't leave their children they're basically captive their children are there to provide or they're not there to provide there, their children are there and often they take on that role because that's what they think they're supposed to do there, they take on the role of providing love to the parents.

Defectivity, if people knew me, they would reject me. Well, this is reasoning based on feelings. failure I'm not up to it and I'm not capable of succeeding now notice all the all or nothing language in these schemes all people leave all people will hurt me reject or take advantage of me seemingly all the time so these are things that we want to see because yes, people are going to leave, people are going to die, it's going to happen that some people are going to hurt you, reject you or take advantage of you, you know you get the point, so we want to moderate some of these beliefs.

Cognitive behavioral therapy or cognitive processing therapy is very effective in helping people address these, so let's look at some of these core beliefs when I work with clients and I usually do this individually, not so much in a group, we look at the belief central of All People Leave, so what does it look like if someone is emotionally or physically available and doesn't leave you? How do you know? A lot of people haven't thought about that, they're just too afraid of people leaving. They just wait for them to leave and like I said, they are very attentive and focused on the signs that the person is going to leave, so I want them to really turn their mind and see if there was anyone available.

Would you like that? And if they're having a hard time thinking about that, I say, "Okay, do you abandon people?" and many times they will say no, of course, I'm not fine. So what does it look like to other people when you're in a relationship, what does it look like so they know you're not going to abandon them and we start to develop a list of behaviors and attitudes that are common in relationships if someone is going to be available but still has healthy boundaries You know they're not going to hold your hand 24 hours a day.

Who when you passed left you or was emotionally unavailable? What did they do to make you feel rejected or abandoned? So we start there. Do you know who it was? they left you or they were not available and what exactly they did they just ignored you when you were at home they never had time for you they were never at home because they were always traveling what happened and this could even be that they killed you I know some, especially when an accident happens death and when a child is small. What are alternative explanations for why they might have done this?

You know, maybe the attachment figure wasn't home much because they were working to pay the bills and that was the only way to make ends meet maybe the attachment figure was in rehab and unfortunately repeatedly and they were trying to make ends meet. the best they could to be present. You know, we have to look back at this from an adult's frame of mind. They did what they did and you felt abandoned. You know I'm not going to take that away from you. What are some other explanations that they intended to abandon or what are some other explanations that might have more to do with them than with you, who in your past has been available?

You know, flipping that back around, we're looking at the positive that's been available to you emotionally and they can look back and generally people have a best friend or someone that's available and that and your present is available to you. emotionally, so we started. talking about that make a list of safe people make a list of characteristics of relationships that look and feel safe and then we start talking about what you do in your current relationships that makes people leave and depending on the client they may you have to do it. Change the wording a little bit because you don't want to send them on a guilt trip, but I want people to really start looking at the dynamics in their relationship and in a relationship it takes two to tango so that person is always that one. another person.

It always has something to do with it, but what is it that you do in your relationships that can be dysfunctional if you push them away? How do you do it? What are some alternatives to that behavior and maybe why you push them away if they seem like it? They go back over their relationships and see a pattern. You might start to see why it happens or what happens that you suddenly start pushing people away after six months or whatever, if you become clingy and obsessive and jealous, what triggers that, what behaviors you do. What characterizes you as clingy and what are some alternatives you can make, distrust is the following belief: The core belief is that people will refuse to hurt me or take advantage of me or simply not be there when I need them, so again going over these questions How does it look? when someone is trustworthy and confident, how do you know you're not going to pass this on the street and say, hey, you look confident and trustworthy, let me at least open my heart to you, I hope not, how do you do that? you know when someone is trustworthy and secure and we talk about the process of giving and receiving and developing trust who in your past was untrustworthy or insecure what they did that taught you how it taught you that people were not trustworthy or they were dangerous and again What are some alternative exploratory explanations for why they might have done what they did sometimes?

That's not an appropriate question. You know, if a person has been a survivor of abuse, we won't look for alternative explanations, but if we go with they're not trustworthy and they know that the father just went to the store and never came home and of course they felt abandoned, do they? was it about them? Did the father intentionally abandon them and is looking to exploit those types of explanations for who his past has been? trustworthy and secure who in your present is trustworthy and hopefully that aligns with who in your present is emotionally available what are you doing to yourself that is insecure or dishonest and this is something you need to think about for a while, but I want them to start being aware and living authentically, so they need to know that what they do is not safe, they put themselves in unsafe relationships, they take unhealthy risks, what they do, what they do that he is dishonest and inauthentic, how does his distrust affect his current relationships and what could you do differently emotional deprivation core belief I don't get the love I need and no one understands me cares about me or even tries to meet my needs now again those are some pretty extreme words, so we logically want to see what the facts are for and against this.

What does it look like when someone understands you and meets your needs? So if you say no one does, how will you know when someone understands you? How do you communicate your needs? We often discover in clients that they expect other people to read their minds, so by asking them howcommunicate their needs, you might say start a discussion about well, not really, except that they should know how to do it. they know this, so we want to help clients understand that people can't get their needs met if you don't tell them who in the past failed to get their needs met emotionally and how you can deal with that now, who in the past it is.

I understood you who and your present cares about you and wants to understand they say no one understands me so okay who and you are who in your life cares about you and wants to understand so we can help them understand how you can begin to understand yourself better yourself, be aware, be authentic, and take care of yourself, and what you can do to start meeting your needs. Again, each of these core beliefs is probably an individual session in itself and then making an action plan to start addressing that faulty core belief if people knew me they would reject me.

Is this based on facts or feelings? How do you know they would reject you if they met you? How would you do it? knowing when you are accepted or acceptable who in your past made you feel defective are there alternative explanations for that? you know sometimes people don't compliment you they don't give you reinforcement when they probably should because they're too caught up in their own stuff sometimes people don't give positive feedback they just the only time they talk is when there's a problem that you know about and which could be that person's poor communication skills, so we want to see who made them feel defective, how they did it. they feel defective and is there any other possible explanation again that looks more at the actor than at their client and how can those old tapes be silenced when people make us feel defective or made us feel defective?

Many times we internalize that tape and then every time something happens we hear that person say: you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, no one will like you, so how can we silence those old tapes? How can we silence the inner critic who has accepted and supported you in your past? who in your present accepts and supports you and how can you start accepting yourself failure I am not up to par I cannot be successful so what or who are you not up to? Know? I don't live up to That's what I want to know first because many times clients hold themselves to a standard that is much higher than what others demand, so I want to know what these standards are that they are supposedly not up to. the height of what it seems.

You like to be successful and you know that perhaps clients have had difficulty achieving their goals because they don't know how to set them effectively, so we can help them hear what in their past made them feel like a failure and if there are alternatives or ways to see. it's how you learn a way not to do it what you've been successful at in the past what you're good at in the present and I always pay attention to minimization here because a lot of times clients focus on their failures but they do all these other things very well, but they minimize them and say, oh, anyone could do it.

Meet anyone, that's not necessarily true. What it means to be successful in terms of your relationships. Who are three successful people you know and what makes them successful? So really have them. They begin to look at the difference between success and failure and begin to identify qualities in themselves that already have that identification that they identify as successful. Does success equal happiness? And this is one of those things that you can talk about for a while, you know, success. In business, being a CEO or having a million dollars or whatever makes you happy and if not, what makes you happy?

And one last question, if you are struggling with this, what should your children do to be successful in your eyes because many times you know we have visions of what we want for our children, but we also have a vision that you know what they should do. to be successful and that is probably very different from what you know. The hopes and things we have in behavior trigger abandonment and mistrust, so if someone begins to fear abandonment or mistrust, it can happen when they experience a change in someone's behavior, if they do not receive constant reassurance, if the other person's relationships feel threatening. like they go out with the boys all the time and their clients don't want to spend time with me and if that person is hyper-sensitive to rejection and disconnection, any of those four things can trigger abandonment issues, so we want to ask. clients with each of them, how has this threatened you in the past?

So if someone's behavior has changed in the past and led to abandonment, you know it makes sense that if they see the same pattern, they might expect the same outcome, which is our ultimate goal. alternative explanations and what would be a useful reaction to these behaviors right now because what happened in the past is unfortunate, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be the same in the present, so we want clients to really look at what's happening . in context and what is the most useful reaction now people may feel defective and like failure when they receive criticism if there is an unexplained time apart they may feel like they are being rejected if they are absent they are inconsistent reassuring or if they really fail at something so ask them again how you threatened them in the past, do you know when this happened in the past, how did it go wrong and then look at the present in context and it goes well, what are the similarities and differences in these situations, imagining activities, what does a look like? a healthy relationship and we talk in our group about presence versus abandonment, you know, and there are healthy boundaries, acceptance versus rejection, you know, my partner may accept me as a person but reject some of my ideas, we may not agree on Everything that does not. means I'm being rejected means my partner may not agree with emotional support and compassion versus emotional unavailability, so we want to see both extremes, people aren't necessarily going to be completely full of emotions all the time, so that we do it.

I want to see what your client expects in a healthy relationship, what level of emotional support they need, what trustworthiness versus unreliability is like, and what safe people are like versus harmful people, so let's talk about all of these things and then Ask Everyone right now How can you create this relationship with yourself? How can you be present with yourself instead of abandoning your feelings, your thoughts, your hopes, and everything else? How can you accept yourself instead of rejecting it? How can you be compassionate with yourself instead of being emotionally unavailable? How can you learn to trust yourself and how can you make your own mind a safe place?

We talked about that for quite a while and then we talked about how to create that relationship with each other. Mindfulness questions. What do I feel? What triggers it? Am I emotionally and physically safe right now, and if not, what should I do? This situation brings up something from the past. How is this present situation different from the past? How am I different than in the past? Maybe, with luck, it will be stronger. I'm more independent, you know all these things and how can I silence my inner critic and finally, what would be a helpful reaction that moves me more towards my goals and more towards a positive emotional experience, so that when abandonment issues are triggered, This is a basic set of questions that clients can ask themselves to compare, contrast, and develop a plan of action.

Fundamental beliefs about oneself and others in relationships are formed in the early years of life. Identify and be aware of triggers for abandonment. in the present can help people choose more helpful alternative forms of Responsive codependents often do not feel worthy or lovable and look for someone else to validate them. Recovery involves developing a sense of self-worth, addressing depression and anxiety, learning, and creating a network of healthy relationships. Very good, thank you all for being here. Look, there are a couple of questions. I will attend to them, but the class part is already finished. If you want to log in and take the quiz, otherwise I'll answer some of your questions right now.

Yes, abandonment issues can make the person feel a little bit on edge and again, I'm not saying that they're on edge, but on the one hand they're being, they can feel clingy and desperate and then on the other hand , they can turn around and say okay, I don't need you, so you can. They seem a little borderline due to their fear of abandonment, people with abandonment problems who seem to do everything they can to sabotage themselves, many times they do not realize what they are doing and they do not see how their behaviors are impacting their relationship many times and they do not I say all the time, but a lot of times when people self-sabotage it's again to make the other person look like the bad guy for leaving, it's a power play, let's cut it down to that.

It's a power play, in some way that person is pushing the other person away first to be the one who dumps and not the dumpy one or they are doing things to sabotage the relationship so they can blame the breakup on the other person, not always the one. person. case, but a lot of times, wow, no, let's see what you wanted to see on the current slide, well, stinky poop, mindfulness questions. I think that's what you want, there you go and remember you have the PDF of this in your classroom. Alright, everyone have an amazing day.

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