Brené Brown SECRETS For HEALING YOURSELF & Making An IMPACT In The World |Lewis Howes

We can never get rid of shame, what we can do is build resilience to shame so that when it happens and it washes over that lukewarm wash that makes you feel small and insufficient when that washes over me instead of yelling at my kids or just decimating me with hate language, you know, and like you're stupid or you're not you now, when it washes over me, I'm like, okay, I'm embarrassed, don't talk text or write what happened, so there's still, I mean . I still have triggers. Welcome everyone to the School of Greatness podcast. I'm very excited today.

We have the amazing Brene Brown. Thank you very much for inviting me. I really appreciate it. Yes, I'm very excited to be here. I have an event called the summit of greatness every year, an annual event and the people on my team in our program write to the person they want to have in the school of greatness and the majority of our team are women and the majority put their name. like people, the person we want to have, so we're finally

making

it happen and my team can stop asking about Brene. It's happening and I'm really excited about it because you have a new book called Braving the Wilderness the Quest.

For true belonging and the courage to be alone, make sure you get this book right now. It's going to change the game. And I had the opportunity to read it. I love everything you write here and I feel very connected to you. Yes, because I felt very alone for most of my life. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. He was the youngest of four. They always picked on me and harassed me. I was sexually abused as a child by a man I did not know. I was always picked last on the sports teams and I know you weren't even picked because I think it was the step team or some kind of oh yeah, the drill team, the drill team, I remember how you know that made that transform your life.

It was defining properly defining these moments that we go through as children, they can really define us and shape us, so I feel connected to you in that sense that I felt very alone and didn't know who I was for a long time. time and I'm still trying to learn who I am yeah, that's you, yeah, it seemed like you had it all figured out, oh God, no, no, no, I don't have, I mean, first of all, I think that's the only thing. What I have learned in my research is that above all else, in the absence of love and belonging, there is always suffering, so when I hear your experiences growing up, that is suffering, you know it is real suffering and, to me, it is not being part of the drilling team when I was.

I think it was eighth grade alone isn't much, but the way my family responded was like when things changed for me, I didn't feel like I belonged in my family anymore, so I guess I'm still trying to figure it out. outside I don't know I don't know that I've gone in I don't know that I've interviewed anyone even spiritual leaders who have the issue of belonging completely nailed down because I don't think it's what we think it is You know, I don't think it's having a great group of friends or have a team or be with a group of people.

I think I'm still trying to figure it out because I still feel alone and left out of things. On a very regular basis, I really mean you're going on a book tour with thousands of people, a 15 city tour, yes, millions of fans around the

world

and you still feel alone, yes, I can feel very alone and it's very difficult because you know what you're talking about. As for that book tour, I'm very introverted, yes, super private, so I love that connection between the public and me, but it can also be difficult for me and I also talk about things that no one finds strange to talk about. people register.

We talk about them, but sometimes they are difficult topics and we laugh and have fun and sing, but I think what I have learned from researching belonging is that belonging is being part of something bigger than

yourself

. but it's also the courage to be alone and belong to

yourself

above all else and that's why I think I spend a lot of time belonging to myself and sometimes that makes other people uncomfortable and I think that's hard. I guess I feel like I'm always looking I don't know about you but I'm always looking for the roadmap like I want to find the investigator Christian storyteller lover of all people resistance fighter I want to find the blueprint of who is in front of me believing what I believe in it and I do it very well mm-hmm but in reality there is no model sometimes you know that we are all trying to solve it yes, we are all trying to solve it I can't copy anyone and that's how it is Difficult, yes, it's still difficult, but here There is something that has changed everything for me.

I belong, so even when I sit alone and wonder who is my team and who are my people, um, I sure belong to myself for the first time in my life. life maybe yes, and I think sometimes we get lost trying to belong to groups that we don't fit in, yeah, you know, I remember being on, you know, the youngest on these sports teams growing up, I played on the team junior varsity when I was a freshman. or varsity or whatever, so I was the youngest and I remember just wanting to fit in like you did on that team that I wanted to fit in.

I wanted to feel like they liked me, that I mattered, that I was the cool kid or whatever and when they did things that I really didn't agree with or bullied other kids or made fun of people it's like I didn't want to not say nothing, you know, I didn't want to go against them because I wanted to belong, yeah, so if I went against them, then that meant I was alone and that was my biggest fear was being alone, oh yeah, because that's what teams and groups deliver, they deliver this that you are not alone, the problem.

I was very surprised to learn in the research that the opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is evaluating a group of people and thinking about who I should be, what I should say, what I should wear, how. Do I need to take action and change who you are and does true belonging ever ask us to change who we are? It demands that we be who we are because if we fit in because how we've changed ourselves that's not belonging not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people and that's not sustainable yeah you start to lose yourself you start to miss exactly what you said so I think it's difficult, you have to show yourself as you are, how can we know who we are?

That's life's work, right, that's incredibly difficult, do you know who you are? Yes, I know, who are you? In what way, if someone said who you are, Brene, what would you say, uh, Renee Brown? , mom, partner, researcher, storyteller, Texan, me. I don't know, I'm asking you how long you have because you know what we want when we ask people who they are and we want to know if we would like to put those files up really easy, but I'm you're a complicated person, yeah, so I think I know who I am, I what makes you complicated, I don't know if I'm complicated, but I'm complex, um, you're interesting, I hope it's very interesting, that will be some days, I think it makes me complex, I think what makes everyone complex is the paradoxical nature of people, so you know, since I speak in public, I love doing that, but I'm incredibly introverted, I'm a little bit of a traditionalist with the things that my kids say yes, mom.

I'm not a lady, but I also raise them to challenge authority every time they have the opportunity to do that, but to be very polite when they do it, yeah, so I think I'm sincerely sincere, as I think. the goodness of people, but I think it's a difficult job to stay out of fear and be good, yes, and I think I understand people, I think I have a lot of empathy, but I'm also not afraid of discomfort, so I think there is Lots of Pushing and Pulling, of course, and I think that's true for all of us.

I don't like to be defined mm-hmm, I think it's you. I was going to say that I feel like I never wanted to be defined so well in my entire life. They were like you. You're going to be a jock in college You're going to be an alcoholic You're going to be in fraternities Yeah, all my brothers told me this and I was like no, I'm not. I made a bet with each one. of my brothers 100 each I want to have a sip of alcohol in college because I thought I want to go against everything you think I'm going to be, yeah I joined music school because they said you're just going to do sports , he sang, he played the guitar, he danced salsa, he thought he was going to do everything different than what people would expect from a tall white man, right, that's incredible.

I thought I wanted to be different, yes, and I think I was in that process. like trying to figure out who I really liked my dreams what you know what was fun for me yeah, instead of just trying to fit the box into everyone else's mold because you can get lost in that fit, I think you can Get lost in the adaptation and you can get lost in the refutation to the appropriate end. That's true, trying to go against that, yes, yes, it's very difficult, I mean, it's this thing, it's a quote that defies nature, it's about this it begins. with this quote by maya angelou that says we will never be free until we belong nowhere we belong everywhere which is nowhere which is nowhere at all which i thought was a terrible quote for many years and i thought why what do you say that?

Dr. Angelo, you're pissing me off, but then I realized and she says the cost is high but the reward is great and I think that's how I feel like I belong wherever I go, no matter where I am. or who I'm with, as long as I never betray myself and the moment I become who you want me to be to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I don't belong anywhere anymore and that's hard, yes, i mean. that's a hard practice, that's a daily practice wow, yeah, because I can, I can be whoever you want me to be like that, you're like a chameleon, you said, oh, I could totally be like a chameleon, like sometimes, it's so funny because, like always, because I travel a lot, I have all these miles, I always sit in business class and I'm usually the only woman in business class and every once in a while there's another one, maybe, which is a conversation we should have very sure, um , but it's not like that.

It doesn't matter what guy sits next to me, I can talk about whatever that person likes and it's a lot of fun because we usually talk about sports or football first or we talk about politics and he says what do you do now? Study vulnerability and shame oh well, uh, well, I'm going to play Angry Birds, uh, you know, and in that moment like I could, it's not that I know everything about everything, it's just that you're saying that most men they do not want to. He steps in and learns more about them. No, it's usually if I want to go to sleep.

I'm like I'm a shameful researcher. What are you doing? You say it's okay, but I think I can be anything like Yes, you're adaptable. I'm adaptable and adaptable is great because anyone who comes to my house or here to work I can make you feel comfortable, of course, but if I become so adaptable, my goal of adapting is to make sure that you like me. That's when I betray myself, yeah, what would you say? It's the loneliest time in your life in high school the whole journey yeah it just sucks it sucks and you know my daughter just graduated high school and she.

I had this incredible experience, you know, just an incredible experience and it was very

healing

to see. Oh, that's nice, yeah, and I think it happened because she, I think she had the confidence to put herself out there and you know, the student council president and you know. I think that kind of is because we have a rule in our house that no matter what you belong here, no matter how stupid, awkward, afraid, wrong, it doesn't matter, you belong here, and that's why I think when we give them our children a platform like that at home, it gives them the courage to take risks outside the home, does that make sense because they feel safe coming back, no matter what happens, they always have a place to come home to?

Yes, I grew up in a house where it was very chaotic. I'm the oldest of four and fitting in and being cool was the most important thing, so I think without that pressure I probably never would have tried out for that drill team, um, but in my

world

growing up, you only did two things: you were a cheerleader. or you were on the drill team and preferably married a running back or a quarterback, I mean, that's how it was, and for me it probably would have been as president of the French club, you know, I would have been in the debate. that kind of thing the newspaper oh, sure, yes, yes, the photographer, the yearbook, yes, but those things didn't have much value, really, no parent didn't instill that as something credible or worthwhile, no, it's just great, it was the number one value at home, great. a lot of popular friends, yeah, and that just wasn't mine, it wasn't that thing, you know, it was, yeah, it wasn't, so what I did was I started drinking, smoking pot, hanging out with, you know, I found, I found a place. being one you know it's cool and you know that goes wrong quickly yeah, yeah, have you ever had a conversation with your parents about this?

Oh yes, we've talked about it all, yes, yes, you let it go, you processed it all. oh yeah, because you know you read my books as I write them and you know that they are like this, this is exactly what every parent wants, a child who grows up to be a shame researcher, um,That we try something new we have to be honest, yes, it is vulnerable. I mean, when I ask people what vulnerability is, people would say we initiate sex. with my wife sending my son out the door who thinks he's going to be first in the orchestra and knowing that he probably isn't going to make it to the orchestra at all. getting fired starting my own business saying I love you first in a relationship trying to get pregnant after my first miscarriage I mean vulnerability is the uncertainty, not knowing but doing it anyway because it's the bravest thing to do and the problem is I think the biggest shame trigger for men is not being perceived as weak.

And in our culture we believe that vulnerability is weakness, so you don't have to skip too many steps before you go, hey, it's embarrassing to be vulnerable, that's why Men do two things when faced with shame, get angry or close down, put on a mask. putting on a mask and what we're learning and what people are starting to see very quickly is that you can't be a brave leader if you're not vulnerable if you're not willing to have difficult, uncomfortable conversations give tough feedback receive tough feedback Dig into topics like Charlottesville that no one wants to talk about, like discomfort is the great enemy of courage, as is my motto, we say it here all the time, choose courage over comfort because you can't have both and if you think you're being brave. and you're super comfortable, you're not being so brave.

Is there an area of ​​your life right now where you don't feel your curry enough or something you've wanted to tell people and haven't fully said? or holding I think the charlottesville facebook live today was difficult, was it like that? Yeah, oh yeah, I wish my voice was shaking, I was shaking, actually, we got here today and we knew we were going to film together, but we were going to film some other things. first and I said I just need to do the Facebook live because I don't want to lose my nerve and I think that's hard because when you talk about race and privilege and power, first of all, it's me. it's going to become like you know death threats and people are going to say you know all that stuff you're wrong either way you're wrong either way right um but the ability that I have to choose not to talk about it because it's not supposed to. that what doesn't affect me is the definition of privilege, so I don't think we can opt out and I know I'm white upper middle class, very educated straight Judeo-Christian, I know I have blinders on that, no.

No matter how hard I work, I'll say something that's not right and I'll get cut. People will come back and shoot at me and it will hurt, but I prefer to risk suffering and learning, but that's always the case. It's scary to talk about these things today. Do you think I think it's very difficult? I try to come from a super authentic and loving place with all humanity all the time. I was raised by, you know, I had two wonderful parents. but my mother and my two older sisters were really the ones who came back to me after going on a date with a guy, they were like Louis, I never do this on a date, you always treat women this way, so I've always tried .

To the best of my ability, yes, you know I'm imperfect in many ways and I constantly make mistakes with people, yes, me too, but the majority of my team, I was telling you before, the majority of my team are women. I think 80 percent of my team are women and they are successful. and they are paid more than the men on my team not because they are women but because they produce better results and I my business is based on results I have people of different ethnicities I have people of different sexual orientations and Someone told me last week that they knew that the White male privilege exists and I think you need to incorporate more values ​​into your organization to not live from this place of white male privilege and I was thinking I was hurt. for this because I get it, I'm white, there's nothing I can do based on the way I was born, there's nothing I can do right, I can't change the way I was born, but I can choose to determine how I want to live.

How I want to show up in the world, so I'm constantly trying to be conscious of speaking out more, yeah, because I think that's what a lot of my friends are saying about Charlottesville if white men don't open up and talk about it. Plus, he's not going to notice the people who are, I guess, marching with torches, which blows my mind that this is happening, but it still blows my mind that this is happening, I don't even understand it, I'm like I was amazed. far, I don't know and I just think: how can I be better, more

impact

ful in this place and how can we get rid of this, how can we end this?

Yes, it leaves me speechless, no and I think. We need to listen a lot more than you think and listen to what you hear from the people who have been affected by this the longest. I think we need to talk. I think white silence around these issues is death. I mean, I just think it's terrible, I don't think we can go in and save the day, I think we have to go in and with humility and curiosity say this is what I think and I want to learn and I want if I make mistakes, let me know and I'll try to make them better and I think we should take responsibility and I think sometimes it's easier for me in my life to keep asking questions, keep reading, keep talking about it, um, and when I'm so uncomfortable because I don't want to do it anymore just to keep going. doing it because remembering that my discomfort is, you know, that's my privilege, yeah, so I don't know if there's an answer beyond the discussions and I didn't do it.

I'm not surprised by Charlottesville, really not, it just blows my mind maybe I'm just ignoring it. No, I don't think it's about being ignorant. You do not know? I have studied shame. 15 years and fear, that's what it seems, yes, what do you think these individuals who march like this are the most embarrassing in their own life? about helplessness, they feel helpless, yeah, and I think people say, "Oh my God, okay, so the white guy, you know, the white guy and the khaki pants and the fancy polo, you know, he feels helpless and You know, the Crimean River, right?" I don't mind that at our own risk.

I don't care and I don't try to understand it. I won't take it on my load, for sure. I'm not going to add it to my back. I have other things. to do, but I'm going to try to understand it because I can't imagine a way to get through what needs to happen over the next decade that doesn't involve understanding the pain. There's an amazing quote from James Baldwin that says: Now I understand why people hold on to their hate it's so stubborn because once they let it go there's nothing but pain um and I think we dismiss it and we don't care about that pain under our own risk um because the pain will make itself known it won't be dismissed it's not an affect or an emotion that dissipates when ignored yeah, well, I think this is fascinating.

You say this because I never wanted to feel the emotional pain that was so difficult to go through. I broke up with a girlfriend like she didn't know. how to deal with emotional loss, yes, of any kind of pain or suffering as a man and I remember being in the fetal position my freshman year in college for days sobbing in my dorm, curled up in a ball, uh, because you know La relationship ended and I was very sad to be alone and I no longer had this person in my life and I took it out on the soccer field.

I thought I didn't want to feel this kind of emotional pain, so how can I do it? I inflict so much physical pain on myself and other people to get it out and it's hard to turn it off and just be like this loving vulnerable man after being on a football field, like inflicting pain on other people because you're not supposed to and I think that whether we play football or not, we are much better at causing pain than feeling pain, you don't want to feel it, no you don't, and that's why we cause it and hurt other people, yes we do.

And if you look at leadership, whether you're an organization that runs a country and you run a family as a father, one of the cheapest and easiest ways to lead is to give people someone to hate and blame for your own misery, so we have to Really look at that in our country right now, so if all we have to do when people are in uncertainty and fear is give them someone to blame and give them a reason to blame them and then take a step back and watch everything fall apart and then I think that's happening right now in our country and that's why we have to move away from the rhetoric.

You know we have to own our pain and let me tell you it's not like you tell that story on the football field and it's so prophetic because every crisis we have. What we're facing right now almost without exception is about our inability, our unwillingness to deal with pain, if you look at opioid addiction right now, you know, somewhere, starting with the doctors, sent the message that there is no reason for you to hurt, here is a pain reliever. Here you have a painkiller, you know, and things are not going well in your life. Here's a way to vent hate and pain that will make you feel better, like drinking medication, addicts, obese and indebted Americans in history, like our tolerance for discomfort.

It's zero soft, yes, yes, so here's the irony, soft, that's how they teach us in the soccer selfie. Soft, don't be soft, so it's actually our inability to be vulnerable, yes, that makes us weak. Yes, I agree one of the things I talk about and try to express to as many people as possible is really going through pain and discomfort every day. I try to do this physically by exercising to try to push myself harder than I want to, where emotionally I want to cry, yes, because I just know that by conditioning myself to feel pain every day, when a lot of things come my way, I am able to take them on and process them. emotions instead of thinking I just need to drink, I need this, I need that.

I've never been drunk in my life, so I don't even know what it feels like, but it's hard, especially for me. I will speak for myself as a man. It's hard to grow up learning to deal with those kinds of emotions. It is really difficult. defiant there's no class in school that says it's okay when you feel like that

lewis

this is how you're supposed to act it's vulnerability yes this is how you're supposed to act here it's the step by step process like there's no process that we are taught unless it is our parents or we look for it and it is not a model because I think parents fear that soft boys will become soft men.

I remember interviewing a guy who was in his 70s and saying, "Shame on you." and he's ashamed of being the kid you can push against the lockers, yeah, yeah, shame is being the kid you push, yeah, being the kid you can push against the lockers, yeah, you know, and it's like , but we really have to change it and we have to change it, I think parenting begins, school athletics is huge, I mean, it's really, I mean, let me, let me, let me do this, okay, let's do this of the sports, let's do it, okay, ready, okay, two. football teams, you're going to make a bet, okay, they've both hurt quarterbacks.

They are both playing well. Both have hurt quarterbacks. This team here recognizes their vulnerability and is going to put in a second quarterback. This team ignores its vulnerability. and pretend it doesn't exist who you're betting on hmm it depends on the injury oh jesus hey because I played injured my whole life you know so I would say most of us would say you're more, you're less likely to win. If you don't recognize your vulnerabilities, even if you play well with your quarterback, you have to make sure your line is set exactly and you have to change plays correctly, it always hurts, you're going to have a good time, yes, exactly, yes.

So if you are given more time generally whatever you are going to do you will recognize your vulnerabilities, you will be more successful as you will adapt well, the right to change, right, you will be more successful, right, yes, so why Do we think like men to pretend to be like you? You are not vulnerable, it makes you the most vulnerable, yes, it makes you the most susceptible. I mean, we only have data. I mean, just like I could fill this entire room with data about you. You cannot opt ​​out. Let me ask you this. Know? a guy in the world, you know a lot of guys, right, who can say that I have existed at this point in my life without feeling insecure, at risk or emotionally exposed, it's not true, you can't not be vulnerable, but you can pretend not to you do. so you're not

making

decisions about the behaviors that you engage in when you're vulnerable, yeah, so you don't know when you're vulnerable and then you're acting crazy and I think you pay major prices, oh yeah, when you don't. t when you are not aware or when you are not acting like you are yes, you just act like everything is fine or you don't need help you don't need support you don't need to address the situation or yes grieve or whatever no, that's when you get hurt the most it's when you get hurt at the time you suffer the most and I think that's when the angriest range of frustration is rage and um uh, I guess the divergent thing happens and I was watching this video last night where they were documenting the whole process of whatCharlottesville, I think Vice was doing this, the person I was interviewing as the leader, one of the guys was like the leader of the marches or whatever he was saying about how you know this is our land and our ancestors were the white ones and it belongs to us it's like this whole thing about it belonging to a certain race or something, I can't it just blows my mind, it's like clearly forgetting about the Native Americans who were here, who were here before we exactly understood it, but I mean , it just amazes me that this all comes back to feeling like we need to belong, I guess, and protect what was ours or what is our right or something like that.

It all comes back to identity and belonging, yes, but underneath identity and belonging there is something that we don't talk about and it's about power it comes down to power I mean, I think what we're witnessing is the last battle of power and that's what which I love talking to you, you write about how I think most men who come from this place feel that the power is only one person, one group can have the power, rather than us being able to spread the power. Yes, all over the world like it's a pepperoni pizza. If I give Lewis a little power, I'll have less, so make sure he's comfortable giving it to you when I'm not.

Don't give away any slices. Don't give away slices. and that's why what we see around the world right now, not only with this administration but globally, is that we see the concept of power about taking a last position and it's not going to work, what's going to work in the future with the decision completely The devastatingly difficult problems we have on our hands are power and power also power between us collective power the things that are killing us right now we are not going to solve them alone as a nation they are global problems that we need global solutions that we need everyone at the table for them, but that's really, I mean we're at a huge turning point in history that shouldn't be minimized or misunderstood.

I mean, for the first time in history, the problems that challenge us the most are problems that will not be solved with national solutions, they are global problems that require global solutions and collaboration and for a lot of people that is really scary, difficult, difficult, difficult, what what about us, what about me, you know, um, and the last resistances, you know about the last resistances, the last resistances are violent. Yeah, the last stands are fueled by desperation, whatever it takes, fear and whatever it takes, and risking everything, risking everything, and what you're seeing right now is people risking everything by showing up at these marches with fucking tiki torches, I mean, not even getting started on Polynesians, how Polynesians feel about their tiki torches, but I mean with tiki torches they basically imitate the ku klux klan, it's crazy, but without sheets, um, this It's live, this is the last stand of Power Over and these people are Nostalgic for a time that never existed, where they thought they had the power, where yes, they are what they are interested in, it was much better back then and what it wasn't They are saying this is when people knew their place and it will continue that way. to get tougher If you had a message to give the leader of our nation, what would you say?

Roosevelt said that the president's presidency, above all, is a place for moral leadership and I believe that there are lines that we do not cross, his moral lines etched in dignity about the inherent worth of people and we should never cross those lines and They have crossed so many times around immigration, women, the construction of walls and that at least we can, we can discuss policies, we can discuss whether you know about the blockade of social security. boxes or what we should do about taxes, healthcare, those are important things, but at least one person in that office should be a moral leader, yes, and that line should never be crossed because when you cross it it says a lot more about your integrity. . that with the people you're attacking, yes, yes, if you had a microphone and everyone had headphones on, they were listening to the end of this microphone and you received a message to share with every man in the world in 60 seconds or less and everyone We men will put on headphones and listen to a message from you, it's very Orwellian, I like it and you have the opportunity to say something to these men from all over the world and they all could understand English and they understood you.

You take care of all the logistical logistics, they have it on, it is not blurry, there is no Wi-Fi signal until everyone has access to hear your voice for 60 seconds, all the men and all the women are also waiting listening. What do you think? Would you say to all men in the world in general? Gosh, you know, I wouldn't want to ruin that, let me think, yeah, I guess I would say that vulnerability isn't weakness, it's about the willingness to show up and be. It's seen when you can't control the outcome and it's actually our greatest measure of courage, so show up in an authentic way and let us see your hearts because we know how alone you really are.

Why, yes, the men are alone. I mean, it's, it's really. men feel alone, it's very difficult, yeah, um, but I wouldn't, I guess I don't think I would say anything different to women, you know, because I think there's certainly, you know, that for women the biggest shame trigger is doing it all. do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat look perfect, work perfect, perfect in all areas, yeah, be hot and shiny and this, but never look like you're putting any effort into it and it's so easy, right, that's right. No, I don't understand why my sisters haven't achieved that?

But I think it's hard for women to be vulnerable because it's not perfect. Know? So I mean women don't wear masks, yeah, yeah, and it's terrible. because then the two collide and you see in a lot of partnerships, I mean, I've seen it a lot in my research, this contract that we have where I'll be smoking hot and cool and you know, the money and the shame of the supplier is a big real thing for the men and you know you do this and this is our contract and we're both in straitjackets until we die, yeah, and then how do we get out of those jackets?

We started to be real with each other, we started to be really honest. and we see each other, you know, we really see each other, yeah, wow, I have a few minutes left, so I'm going to be aware of these questions, I know, let's go now, I could ask you, I could talk to you for hours. Is there something you still feel ashamed of oh sure I have moments I will have moments but now I know what I mean we can never get rid of shame what we can do is build resilience to shame so when it happens and it washes over that warm wash that makes you feel small and insufficient when that takes over me instead of yelling at my kids or just decimating me with hate speech, you know, and like you're stupid or you're not you now when Wash.

I'm like, okay, I'm embarrassed, don't text or write down what happened, so there are still, I mean, I still have triggers. um, I still have triggers. I still think it's probably motherhood itself dealing with you. I know how to do everything and balance everything and be where I'm supposed to be and that's still hard sometimes you know what the process is that someone has to go through when they feel shame, anger, rage, well, shame, shame, I can really help you, that's it. first and most important. talk to someone, talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love, so if something really happens and you are overwhelmed with shame, the first thing you should do is pull yourself together emotionally, don't text or write. to anyone because the first thing we want to do is tell that to other people.

I'm good at it, yeah, I'm guilty of that, yeah, no, yeah, so go somewhere dark and quiet and then talk to yourself like Talk to someone you love, just be like a friend, okay, like you screw up this. What you said was super hurtful. You'll have to go back and clean that stuff up, but take a break here, just like I would talk to Ellen. or charlie, if they made a mistake, then reach out and talk to someone about what you're feeling. Shame can't survive being talked to, so if I call you and say, oh my God, Louis, I'm in a storm of shame.

You won't believe what happened and you listen to me and you respond empathetically or empathetically um with something like oh my god I've been there or oh my god I get it I'm sorry that sucks shame can't hold because shame I can't survive to empathy. I agree with that 100. A quick example over 25 years. I held on to the shame of having been sexually abused by a man I didn't know and thought, "If only someone knew this about me, you know, this was my life." That's how embarrassing I felt and yes, you know, I felt abused by the experience and when I finally had the courage to share it, it took me, you know, a couple of years to share it over and over again, many, many times, I didn't I feel ashamed. like I can talk about it openly and freely without feeling ashamed without feeling weak soft vulnerable because you know that I own the experience and it's not something that I have to repress and react with anger because I can share it and I can communicate instead of.

It's very brave, put up with this, yeah, and I think every time I'm faced with something I'm afraid to talk about now I just say, well, how can I talk about how can I journal? I like to journal first. Oh, that's huge, but no one can be embarrassed. Whether I'm right or I'm wrong, that's huge, yeah, and then we start having conversations and when we take ownership of that shame, I feel like it's no longer our place, I mean, that's a perfect example, first of all, it's devastating and that It happens to boys. in six, yes, and they think that's an underestimate, they think that no one in six is ​​what is known, yes, and they think it's probably twice as many because of our culture and the inability of children to speak safely, even with his own parents, I never told anyone. right, my parents don't know, so here is the example exactly, you talk about it now, so when there are two options, you own your story, you can write the ending, you don't own the story, the story belongs to you , yes, then you speak. about it now, so shame can't stand it, but then people see you and hear you talk about it and it gives them permission to talk about it, that's why shame can't stand it being talked about, so your courage to talk about it deflates shame. from the air is like filtering the poison from the water, yes, because you have the courage to speak, I mean, and that's how it works and that's how all this works: we own our story or it owns us two last questions.

It's called the three truths, I ask everyone at the end of this, yes, the interviews, the three truths that you have written, many books, you know, all the number one, the best sellers of your time, uh, let's imagine that it is your last day, many, many years from now, yes, you will be able to write. the story when it's your last day on your own terms, right, you've written all the books you ever wanted to write, you've said everything you ever wanted to say, you've done all the video interviews, whatever it is. you accomplished everything you set out to do, okay, but for some reason, everything gets erased and disappears, so no one has access to this information, okay, and you're there with everyone you care about, you have a piece of paper and a pen and You can write three things that you know are true about everything you have experienced in life.

This is all people would get from your message. What would you say are the three truths for you? Steve Ellen and Charlie were my greatest true loves. sure after that everything seemed small um love requires courage be brave let yourself be seen and don't wait for the adults to come that's the myth we don't know what we're doing we're just putting our best foot forward so if you have an idea or an answer, do it, yes, that's good, that's good, yes, before I ask the final question, yes, I want to make sure that you go, I'm afraid of finals, come on.

The last question is easy, but this is defying nature, the search for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. Make sure they get this book. It's going to change the rules of the game. I highly recommend it. I'll have it linked everywhere. The site and below this video are very powerful, you are an incredible writer and I know this will help many people who feel alone in the world of uncertainty. And I want to recognize you, Brene, for being an incredible gift to the world. With all your imperfections and the beauty that you have within you, I think it takes a lot of courage to share these things the way that you have been doing them for years, decades, you have opened up, you have talked about it and you have brought it out into the open. shine. to a public platform and continue to dive deeper, I acknowledge you because the weight that comes with hearing the pain of others when I began to open up about my own, I can only imagine the weight of everyone sharing with me.

The weight you have to carry is much simpler and you are privileged for the work you are doing and the

impact

you have.you have in so many people who feel like they are suffering and feel like there is no hope there. There is no way out for those who are trapped in all areas of their life. You give people so much inspiration, tools and education on how to transform their lives. So I recognize you for all the work you do. Oh, thanks, you're welcome. welcome uh this is the final question it's amazing you're welcome it's my pleasure yes um the final question is simple is what is your definition of greatness owning your story and loving yourself through that process that's greatness to me I appreciate, thank you very much you you