Boys Don't Cry (Except When They Do)

over here." Michelangelo: "Are you crying?" and at the same time gives it a measure of plausible deniability. Raphael: "No, Ding-Dong, there's just a little dust out here." Popular media frequently reinforces the Patton's belief: "Shut up!", that men need to hide their feelings. Patton: "He won't have a yellow." Bastard sitting here, crying, in front of these brave men who have been wounded in battle!" In the fantasy stories that Hollywood tells, feeling and action are often presented as opposites - Private Hudson: "This can't be happening, man, this isn't happening." as if one excluded the other. Rocket: "Are you crying?" Thor: "No... yes.

I feel like I'm losing control." Rocket: "Get it!" Movies tell us over and over again that if men allow themselves to feel vulnerable,

they

will become useless. Not only will their emotions paralyze basic motor functions, but the entire world may crumble around them: "Get out of there. Start acting like men!" Not true, of course. Crying does not exclude action. But the myth that vulnerability is synonymous with a total loss of control and, therefore, incompatible with power is so corrosive and so strong that many men have come to believe it.

they

must kill their emotional sides to be useful members of society: "I cut off all the soft parts of myself." (Montrose) Just to be a man.

Emotional disconnection has other, even more damaging consequences. Jimmy: "And it's really starting to make me angry, Dave, because I can't even cry for her. My own little daughter and I can't even cry for her." The process of overcoming grief or loss can be slow and painful, but it is also necessary for emotional healing. And yet,

when

we see men collapsing on screen, the moment passes quickly. This is because the permitted crying window only remains open for a short period of time. Even

when

finding the bodies of their relatives, the tears come and go in the space of a minute or two.

This means that we rarely see male characters who are given time to properly grieve. Jed: "Don't cry! Stop it. Let it become something else" (Jed) Just let it become something else, okay? In fact, in countless media outlets, men's tears essentially function as a bridge to violence. Sometimes the transformation from deep pain to extreme aggression occurs even within the same scene. Too often in the media we don't see men get sad, we see them get angry and then get revenge. Narrator: "He goes crazy, drunk with blood." In this way, violent retribution is presented as a replacement for the normal grieving process.

This pattern then encourages men to channel all their feelings into aggression and to use that aggression to express themselves in almost all situations. Now, anger is not necessarily a destructive emotion. When directed constructively, it can be an appropriate response to injustice. The problem is that since aggressive outbursts are, in many ways, the opposite of vulnerability. Rage and anger are almost universally considered signs of strength for men. While prolonged grief or sadness is considered weakness. Or worse yet, as a sign of instability. This helps explain why filmmakers so frequently use men's tears as audiovisual shorthand for a descent into madness.

Either a descent into evil OR both. In his book "Cracking the Armor - Power, Pain and the Lives of Men," Micheal Kaufmann observes that it is illuminating to consider how often men's emotional pain is translated as self-destruction in Hollywood narratives. Howard: "I'm so sad, I'm so screwed." Like outward-directed violence, inward-directed violence is often presented as an intrinsic, almost inevitable manifestation of men's emotional pain. Riggan: "Explosion." Instead of being critical of a disconnected or violent masculinity, these representations end up glamorizing or at least mythologizing and poeticizing male characters who almost never discover how to deal with their feelings in a healthy way.

So instead we are presented with images of men destroying themselves in lovingly made cinematic spectacles. In his surprising book "The Will to Change," bell hooks points out that popular culture rarely presents us with alternative emotional paths for male characters. In fact, there are few stories in which men break the pattern and successfully overcome emotional pain in transformative ways. Sean: "It's not your fault." "Good Will Hunting" is a rare film in which the protagonist chooses to reject traditional patriarchal masculinity and instead chooses to follow the more vulnerable path of emotional connection. Joel makes a similar decision in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", when he decides to confront his painful feelings rather than erase them.

In Berry Jenkins' "Moonlight," Chiron also chooses to leave behind a life hardened by isolation and embrace the vulnerability of emotional intimacy. Performances like these are rightfully celebrated, but they remain remarkably rare and remain the exception rather than the rule. As I said before, it can be truly heartbreaking when the media allows us a glimpse of cracks in the façade of male control. Seeing a man finally let a tear fall, a lip tremble, or in the most extreme circumstances, be allowed to cry can be quite moving. Even in scenes that are intended to be humorous. Kayla: "Oh, dad, come on.

Come on, toughen up." Still, I think it's important to recognize that these rare moments are considered very powerful, precisely because disconnection is still highly valued for men in our society. Perhaps we wouldn't be so moved by small cracks in the dam if we could see the free flow of tears more often. Movies and television shows are much more than just entertainment. They also introduce us to what bell hooks calls "the art of the possible." Zuko: "How can you forgive me so easily? I thought you would be furious with me." Iroh: "I was never angry with you.

I was sad because I was afraid you would lose your way." And that's why it's critical that the media show us more than just a rare, momentary glimpse of men's vulnerability. We need to see men cry unapologetically. Men who connect emotionally with women and with each other. And ultimately, seeing men heal by embracing the full spectrum of their humanity. We need the crying window to always be open. I hope you enjoyed this video. Now, as you can imagine, these long-form video essays require an enormous amount of time to write, edit, and produce. This one has something like 200 media clips from various movies and TV shows.

So if you want to see more videos like this, consider visiting Patreon and help support this project there. I also left the link to PayPal in the description below if you prefer. I now have many other media projects in the works, so stay tuned for those and I'll see you here next time.