Bob “Jiffy Jeff” Nelson at Dangerfield’s (1986)

- And here's a guy who really needs no introduction. - Yeah! (laughter) (applause) - No, I tell you, I tell you, this guy, this guy is really great, he plays all kinds of characters, you know, in fact, I was talking to him yesterday, I didn't. know who he was. Bob Nelson, he's really dynamite, he's fine. (applause drowns out dialogue) - Okay, this is great, this is great, really. Okay, it's a balloon, I'm going to blow it up. This prepares the balloon, if you have ever seen someone blow up a balloon, this prepares it. And it excites me, so I do it.

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, I don't know why I said that. It doesn't prepare the balloon, sorry, I didn't mean that. Alright. You know what's really weird? New Yorkers are the only ones who laugh at that. Only New Yorkers, in the south, don't think it's funny, in the south it's like my God, what the hell is wrong with you, boy? That's not funny, breaking the balloon in your face like that, it's stupid. Come on everyone, let's get out of here. This boy is crazy. I'm going to get hurt like this. New York, a completely different story, is like shit, almost took his eye out.

Hey, you know what, I haven't laughed this hard since I saw that fat guy slip on the ice outside. Hey, Tony, Tony, Tony, remember when the fat guy slipped on the ice outside, that was hysterical, right? Do you remember that, when his feet became weak? Boom, right up his ass, remember that shit? He was screaming, help me up, help me up. I can't help him up, I'm laughing too much, remember that, you were there, that was some funny shit, right? Yes of course? Why do we laugh at things like that? New Yorkers are the only ones who think this is funny.

What about this one? You go to the mall. They start closing the shopping center, they put up those glass doors. People don't see them, it's like this place is still open. (laughs) What do we do? Are you OK? No, come on, you're an asshole, did you see that guy? He ran straight to the glass door, he didn't see it, the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm walking through the mall, my wife and my kids, right? We're walking through the mall, they're putting up the glass doors, they're closing the damn mall, okay. This guy doesn't see that the doors are open.

He's running from the other end of the mall, he goes straight to the glass. My wife says "Oh my God, you better tell her she's going to hit the glass." I said shut the fuck up. I want to see this, okay. I think this is going to be fun personally, you know what I'm saying? Suddenly he hit the glass, it was funny, boom, he hit it, his face looked like rubber. I swear, it was like three times his head bounced, like boom, like that, you know? And he's bleeding and he's lying on the ground, he's crying, I'm laughing out loud.

I couldn't help it, but I did it, I called an ambulance, I had to do it. He couldn't breathe, I thought he was going to pass out. I really, really thought he was going to make me faint, you know what I mean? It happens everywhere. (applause) Do you want to hear something? If you've ever wanted to be a professional boxer, or just look like one, visit Jiffy Jeff's Gym in New York City and learn how to become a boxer in eight short weeks. And now here's the owner of Jiffy Jeff's Gym, Jiffy Jeff himself, to give you some free advice on how to become a pro wrestler. (laughs) Oh, am I there?

Am I in front of the camera? Hello hello. Hello Hello hello. Hello, welcome to Jiffy Jeff's gym. (laughs) My name is Jeff. Sorry, my name is Jeff and I'm the owner... I own the gym. And I'm here to give you some free advice: I'm a professional fighter, become a professional fighter, how to become a professional fighter. First of all, let me start from the beginning. Right off the bat, let me start, there's a lot of training, a lot of training, a lot of training, training, training, training, training, every day, training, training, training. A lot of training, in fact, some of the guys take the train from home, at the end of the day, to the city, every day, to the city, which is also a lot of training in itself.

So you have to train to train, train, train. Get a monthly ticket, get a monthly ticket, if you take the train. I have a monthly ticket, I don't take the train, but it's a fucking bargain, I bought one anyway, you know? Well, training, that's one. Now, too, you need, you need, you, you, U, V, L, M, N, O, P, Q, S, oh, you need, you need, you need a nick, you need a nick, You need five cents, you need five pennies, I can't put them in my pockets. You need a nickel, a nickel, a necklace, a necklace.

Forward. You need a nickname, no, no, a nickname, a nickname, yes, that's it. If you want to become a wrestler, wrestler, wrestler, wrestler, if you want to become a wrestler, you need a good nickname. Well, Jerry Cootie, have you ever heard of Jerry Cootie? He has a good nickname, they call him Knight. They call him Knight, Knight. Gentleman, gentleman, gentleman. Start your engines, they call him Knight. And do you know why, do you know why they call him Knight, do you know why, do you know why, do you know why? I have no fucking idea why.

But that's a good nickname. And then there's marvelous, he's Marvelous Marvin Hagley, do you know why they call him marvelous? Because he looks good. That's why they call it that. I have a nickname. I have a nickname, they call me Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, what, what, what? (Laughs) Sorry, I thought I heard someone calling me. Anyway, they tell me Jeff, Jeff, what, what? What the fuck do you want? I'm doing a commercial. You're probably looking at me saying, who, who, who, who the hell are you to tell me about the fight game, fight. Well, let me tell you right now.

I have had alto training myself. I've had high, high, no, a lot, a lot of training. Sorry, I wrote it wrong, I wrote it wrong. High, a lot, okay, I screwed up, but anyway, I've had a lot of training. I was a professional wrestler at one time. I had one, I had one, I had one, I had one, I had one, one, one, one, one, what the fuck do you want? Oh, I'm talking to you, right, I'm doing a commercial, right, yeah, I had, believe me, I had six professional fights. Six professional fights. Of which I lost 11.

But here's the story, here's the story. Do you want to hear the fight, the fight, the damn story, do you want to hear a story? I am going to tell you something. I was fighting with Marvin, I was training, do you ever train with someone, sparring master, they pay you very well. Five dollars a shot, five dollars a shot, every time you get hit, boom, five dollars, you know. So if you get hit 10 times, how much is that? $35, I don't know. Anyway, that's what happened, so I was training with this guy, I was training with, I was training with Marvin Haggler, no, Marvin, Haggler, Marvin, Haggler, Marvin, one of them damn guys, it doesn't matter.

They fight the same way. Marvin was left-handed, he was right-handed, he was Southpool, Westpool, I don't know, anyway, anyway, I'm in the ring, I'm in the ring with this guy, I'm in the ring, right, I'm in the ring, I'm in the ring, I'm in the ring, answer the damn phone, will you? Come on. Answer the phone, I'm doing a commercial. Anyway, I'm in the ring with Haggler, right? And he hits me, hits me, hits me, hits me, hits me, hits me. I'm counting my money, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5. Good payday. Five dollars, five dollars, suddenly, suddenly, stop hitting me. I mean, I'm fighting the guy, and all of a sudden, he stops hitting me.

I'm in the corner like this, going up like this, you know? I can't see it, so after about 30 seconds, I'm thinking one of two things. Either he went home or he ran out of money. I don't know which one, you know, I'm stuck, so what do I do? I drop my gloves like this, and there he is, standing right in front of me doing this. I've never seen that before, but the crowd is going crazy. The smart thing for me would have been to put the gloves back on like that, but I didn't because I was just as interested as everyone else around the ring in seeing what the fuck was going on here, you know? ?

Then he let go of me, boom, he hit me right in the head, my head spun like, spun in a circle like nine times or something, okay, I tend to exaggerate, that's impossible. It was more like three times because I remember, I saw Haggler, then I saw my trainer, I saw Haggler, then I saw my trainer, I saw Haggler, then I saw my trainer. Then the next thing you know my knees are buckled, I'm trying to open the buckle, I don't know how my pants got there. I can't, seat belt, New York state law, you have to buckle up, I'm screwed.

Okay, I'm going to take that damn thing off. I did it, while I was down there, he hits me again, I fall and my face hits the canvas. My face flat, right against the mat, which was very strange because I landed on my back. That's the kind of story you can tell your friends when you become a professional wrestler. Now, remember these four important things to become a professional wrestler. One, train every day. Two, get a good nickname. Three, train every day. These four things are very important to become a professional wrestler. Now, let me tell you one more thing. (Audience applauds) Let me tell you one more thing.

If you have any questions, call me. Call me, Jiffy Jeff, at 555-4343. That number, again, in case you missed it, 555-7299. And ask about Jeff, what? Ask for Jeff, what? Ask for Jeff, what the fuck do you want? (audience applauds) Thank you.